How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

Why was the anti-vaxx's toddler crying?

Mid-life crisis.

What do you call a toddler with a gun?

Infantry

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?"

He frowned. "What is it?"

"Hopscotch," I replied.

Toddlers are like Jesus

They turn water into whine.

Why did the toddler cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

A british mum and her toddler visit her American friend

The mum and her friend were talking late at night when the toddler shouts from the bedroom "mum i have a bloody nose" the friend says "oh you should do something about that" the mum replies " oh no it's allright he's just learning his body parts".

Why did the policeman beat his toddler at midnight?

The child was resisting a rest

My toddlers Favorite joke:

kid: One of us is secretly an owl!

me: Who?

kid: It’s you!!!

What's the difference between a toddler and cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let cocaine fall out the window.

What do you call an indecisive toddler?

Maybe Shark

As we watched an anti-vaxxer's toddler throw a tantrum, my friend asked "What's his problem?"

"Mid-life crisis", I replied.

How do you give a toddler a mid-life crisis?

You tell them they've already had one.

A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.

Man: “How many kids do you have here mam?”

Blonde: “Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?”

Man: “I have one that’s just under two.”

Blonde: “Look I know I’m a blonde, but I know how much one is.”

Today I saved 3 toddlers that where crossing the street

Instead of them I drove over that annoying boy, Timmy

What do toddlers and anglers have in common?

They both pay fisher’s price

What kind of food does a toddler prepare with a sharp knife in the kitchen?

Finger food.

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

What does a tired toddler and an inmate have in common?

They both resisted a rest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to see if this Argentinian joke can withstand translation (NSFW)

Two young pretty nuns arrive to the convent shocked and distraught, almost in tears.
The Mother Superior (head of the convent) immediately approaches and asks what happened. The nuns say “a pervert exposed himself to us a couple blocks from here”.
The mother superior, a stocky, strong, tough...

Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

What do you call a small child that drinks tea?

A tea-toddler

Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common

They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, 10 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

I’ve been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry; but other times they jump right back up laughing. I can’t figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap?

She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.

What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant?

Little seizures.

See you all in hell.

A toddler comes home from Catholic school

She asks her dad “dad, they said God made everybody, is that true?”

Her dad says “Yes that is true.”

She asks “So God made you?”

Her dad says “Yes, God made me.”

Puzzled, she asks “and God made me?”

Her dad replies “Yes, he made you... why?”

She then replies...

Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

My eldest put together a Dora joke

When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.

My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.

He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just...

What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?

They both wet the bed.

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?

Feedback

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

I want to make a film about a husband and a wife who both work in immigration. As a consequence of the family separation policy, they are unable to reunify a toddler with his parents, so they decide to become his adoptive parents

The title would be ICE ICE Baby

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

What do you call an army of toddlers?

Infant-ry.

*insert cringe here*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

I'm hospital for an appointment and I saw a toddler playing with a donkey toy.

ICU baby, shaking that ass

What's the difference between Gabe Newell and a toddler?

A toddler can count past two...

I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne".

I paid the Fisher-Price.

What does a toddler get drunk off of?

Jack Danimals!

A toddler was arrested at a day care today...

He was resisting a rest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple with a toddler who repeats everything decide to use a codeword for sex

they decide that anytime they are in the mood, they are going to "do some laundry".

One evening, one partner is watching the other finish up the dishes from dinner and comes up behind the other to whisper in their ear "hey... wanna do some laundry tonight?". This gets the other partner inter...

What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten?

Pre-KKK

5% of toddlers are overweight

and they're called “waddlers"

When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny"

...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"

What’s the fastest land mammal?

A toddler that has been asked what is in their mouth.

What do you call toddlers who are dictators?

Dictator Tots

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line

"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret Thatcher, along with our family.

I said, "Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."

(A triple ententre for the win.)

Why do parents send their toddlers to the army for daycare?

Because they're sending them to the infantry!

Told to me today by a random toddler

Her: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Aren't you glad I didn't say orange?

Best telling of that joke ever.

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some girl I know posted on Facebook;

"My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"

Fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me smelling his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who would've thought you could make the funeral of such a cute toddler more awkward then it already was...

Potty Training

Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...

At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone’s crying and wet.

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

What's three feet tall and can't turn around in a hallway?

A toddler with a harpoon in it's throat.

Yo mama's so fat...

When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.

I won a 5 on 1 street fight yesterday

Those toddlers had it coming

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

^^^...

^^^I ^^^know, ^^^I ^^^know, ^^^/r/dadjokes ^^^is ^^^thataway

A gorilla walks into a bar

and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A phone call home...

A Brazilian football (soccer) star is on international commitments, representing Brazil at the World Cup far from home. He takes a few moments to speak to his family.

"So, how's things at home?" he asks.

"Terrible!", his mother replies. "We have no money. Your father is unemployed a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

/u/Anal_Explorer on utilizing your large penis in the dating game.

>I prefer to keep it as a surprise, like flashing a stack of 100 dollar bills in my wallet. One minute we're talking about her jet ski vacation she got that awesome tan on, then BAM! Dick on the table. Before she can react, zipper it back up and pretend like nothing happened.


>Repea...

Trip to the aquarium joke

The other week I was in the aquarium having a whale of a time (pardon the pun). I saw sea horses, sharks, turtles, the whole shebang. But I couldn't wait to get to my favourite creature. I don't know why but I've always been fascinated by eels. I did a project on them in primary school and since the...

What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common?

For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.

-&y (yup, mine)

So heres one.

So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what...

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