UPJOKE
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How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

And what was Jesus's miracle as a toddler?

He turned water into whine.

Last week, I loaned my toddler's nanny a book on entrepreneurship.

Today, I found pinholes poked in all my condoms.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the...

What’s the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would *never* let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

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Why does cocaine help toddlers stop shitting their beds?

Because children should be Sheen and not Heard

What part of the army is for toddlers and babies?

The infantry

Wandering round Liverpool yesterday with my wife and our toddler son, when he decided to have a tantrum, throwing his favourite red toy car out of his buggy.

By the time I picked it up, it was blue and had new number plates.

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan

"Well, it's not unusual" i told her

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant?

Little seizures.

See you all in hell.

My toddlers Favorite joke:

kid: One of us is secretly an owl!

me: Who?

kid: It’s you!!!

Why was the anti-vaxx's toddler crying?

Mid-life crisis.

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?"

He frowned. "What is it?"

"Hopscotch," I replied.

As we watched an anti-vaxxer's toddler throw a tantrum, my friend asked "What's his problem?"

"Mid-life crisis", I replied.

Why did the toddler cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Toddlers are like Jesus

They turn water into whine.

What breaks when you give it to a toddler?

Their hips.

What do you call an indecisive toddler?

Maybe Shark

How do you give a toddler a mid-life crisis?

You tell them they've already had one.

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How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, 10 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer

What do toddlers and anglers have in common?

They both pay fisher’s price

A toddler comes home from Catholic school

She asks her dad “dad, they said God made everybody, is that true?”

Her dad says “Yes that is true.”

She asks “So God made you?”

Her dad says “Yes, God made me.”

Puzzled, she asks “and God made me?”

Her dad replies “Yes, he made you... why?”

She then replies...

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common

They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap?

She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?

They both wet the bed.

Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.

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I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care.

They were using cutesy words like 'ankle biters', 'rug rats' and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, 'carpet muncher' doesn't mean what I thought it does.

What does a toddler get drunk off of?

Jack Danimals!

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?

Feedback

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

I want to make a film about a husband and a wife who both work in immigration. As a consequence of the family separation policy, they are unable to reunify a toddler with his parents, so they decide to become his adoptive parents

The title would be ICE ICE Baby

What's the difference between Gabe Newell and a toddler?

A toddler can count past two...

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy...

A toddler was arrested at a day care today...

He was resisting a rest

When a toddler pees in the pool, nobody cares.

When *I* pee in the pool, people tell me stuff like, “what the hell are you doing!?” And “sir, please step away from the edge of the pool.” What the heck?

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A couple with a toddler who repeats everything decide to use a codeword for sex

they decide that anytime they are in the mood, they are going to "do some laundry".

One evening, one partner is watching the other finish up the dishes from dinner and comes up behind the other to whisper in their ear "hey... wanna do some laundry tonight?". This gets the other partner inter...

What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten?

Pre-KKK

I'm hospital for an appointment and I saw a toddler playing with a donkey toy.

ICU baby, shaking that ass

I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne".

I paid the Fisher-Price.

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line

"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

I was at the bus stop today

And a young blonde in a short skirt boarded the bus. She didn't have enough money so she hitched up her skirt. The driver took one look and waved her on the bus. The next day I figured I would try the same thing. So the bus comes and as I get on I show the driver a little leg. Now the police are ask...

My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret Thatcher, along with our family.

I said, "Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."

(A triple ententre for the win.)

5% of toddlers are overweight

and they're called “waddlers"

Two students were talking about their childhood.

I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."


"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

Told to me today by a random toddler

Her: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Aren't you glad I didn't say orange?

Best telling of that joke ever.

Anyone who says

Idle hands are the devil’s plaything has clearly never been around a toddler. Those hands don’t stop moving and they cause all hell to break loose

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

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I want to see if this Argentinian joke can withstand translation (NSFW)

Two young pretty nuns arrive to the convent shocked and distraught, almost in tears.
The Mother Superior (head of the convent) immediately approaches and asks what happened. The nuns say “a pervert exposed himself to us a couple blocks from here”.
The mother superior, a stocky, strong, tough...

I heard of the infantry and thought it sounded great!

I just sent my toddler there!

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.

Man: “How many kids do you have here mam?”

Blonde: “Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?”

Man: “I have one that’s just under two.”

Blonde: “Look I know I’m a blonde, but I know how much one is.”

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

You’re out!

When you have a little toddler, it’s a fine line between teaching them to catch and winning at dodge ball.

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

What's three feet tall and can't turn around in a hallway?

A toddler with a harpoon in it's throat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guru and student

A guy highly devotional to his guru buys a house. He goes to his guru to get a suitable name for his house.

Guru: My son, Name your house with the first thing you see tomorrow morning.

He wakes up next day morning and sees the ass of his toddler.

He names his house as 'Ass'...

What’s the fastest land mammal?

A toddler that has been asked what is in their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler.

(Hang in there fellow parents)

What do you call a small child that drinks tea?

A tea-toddler

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

My eldest put together a Dora joke

When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.

My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.

He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just...

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

Men see size, dogs see age.

Toddlers see what they can get away with.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me smelling his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who would've thought you could make the funeral of such a cute toddler more awkward then it already was...

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

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Some girl I know posted on Facebook;

"My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"

Fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

Yo mama's so fat...

When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Game Show

In which in one box is $1 million and in another is $11.25 and a whole bunch of toys, and a toddler has to pick one of the two while the parents have to watch from behind a screen and scream.

(In no way is this mine, and I'm sure it's been posted before, but this gets me every time.)

Potty Training

Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...

At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone’s crying and wet.

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