Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

A man was in an adult competition.

He came in seconds! His wife was not happy.

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What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed.

Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want.

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You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex...

It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun

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Blonde woman takes a dildo back to the adult shop and asked for a refund, owner asks why? Blonde Replies.

It has knocked all my fucking teeth out.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

Adult site: You must be of legal age to view the contents of this site. What year were you born?

12 year old me playing it safe: 1645

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Slightly adult content: I used to date a girl so wide down under, I had no way of knowing if I was in or out. It was like...

Schrödinger’s pussy.

Ubisoft's has a new subsidiary that only makes adult games

It's call Illbhard

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Circus for adults...

In a circus, there’s an act with alligators. The trainer makes the alligator open it’s jaws. He then proceeds to drop his pants and sticks his dick between the alligators jaws. The alligator starts to slowly close it’s mouth. Just before it bites off the trainers dick, the trainer hits the alligator...

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

A very old man watches adult movie at night, alone....

Suddenly, his wife, a very old lady enters the room. Astonished, she shouts at him:



"What are you doing, Frank?"



"Be quiet dear. I am watching to see if they will marry after.."

I applied for a job in the adult industry once

But I couldn't find a good position.

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

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My wife got the following letter from the adult video store today.

Thank you for your order from our sex shop.
You asked for a large red dildo as featured on our wall.
Please select another product, that is our fire extinguisher

Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But between you and me it’s because my mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore

I suffered from horrible debilitating migraines for most of my adult life, but amazingly I became completely cured of them a couple months ago.

The wife left me.

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Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

Vaccinanted vs Unvaccinated adults

(2045)
Vaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up playing fortnite
Unvaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up

Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.

As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice

After all no one likes cold Fries.

Being an adult, I now realize how wise and correct my father really was...

I am worthless and will never amount to anything.

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

How to make friends as an adult

Tell a girl you love her

A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??

The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!

How did it happen? Asked the judge.

Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the ro...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he s...

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

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I have supported female entrepreneurs my entire adult life

...fucking prostitutes

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

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90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

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I used to change adult diapers for a living...

But I don't deal with that shit anymore.

Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

if you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke

Timmy played in the mud. That’s the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That’s the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision

Ever since I started to wear adult diapers

I've been a changed man.

Where do people who need adult diapers live?

In continents.

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Why were adults yanking their teeth out after watching a shitty movie from Dwyane Johnson?

To get their money back from "The Tooth Fairy".

These days whey manufacturers are against selling to adults.

Their products are pro teen.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" [ adult ]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

I'm an adult who likes puns...

I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

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Adult jokes - The difference in words

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opport...

Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

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A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."
The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothin...

I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house.

Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.

My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…

I hope she blows it…

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?

An adult tree

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

An employee is absent...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll...

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
...

Alabamans were fine with Roy Moore dating teenagers as an adult until

they found out that he wasn't dating cousins.

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There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.

Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.

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