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Blonde woman takes a dildo back to the adult shop and asked for a refund, owner asks why? Blonde Replies.

It has knocked all my fucking teeth out.

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You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex...

It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun

Adult site: You must be of legal age to view the contents of this site. What year were you born?

12 year old me playing it safe: 1645

Ubisoft's has a new subsidiary that only makes adult games

It's call Illbhard

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

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Slightly adult content: I used to date a girl so wide down under, I had no way of knowing if I was in or out. It was like...

Schrödinger’s pussy.

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

What kind of punch is strong enough to kill 20 kids and 6 adults at once?

A Sandy Hook

A very old man watches adult movie at night, alone....

Suddenly, his wife, a very old lady enters the room. Astonished, she shouts at him:



"What are you doing, Frank?"



"Be quiet dear. I am watching to see if they will marry after.."

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

I applied for a job in the adult industry once

But I couldn't find a good position.

I suffered from horrible debilitating migraines for most of my adult life, but amazingly I became completely cured of them a couple months ago.

The wife left me.

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But between you and me it’s because my mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

Vaccinanted vs Unvaccinated adults

(2045)
Vaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up playing fortnite
Unvaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.

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Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

Being an adult, I now realize how wise and correct my father really was...

I am worthless and will never amount to anything.

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he s...

They say 1 in 4 adults are abysmal at maths.

The other 2 are just bad.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??

The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!

How did it happen? Asked the judge.

Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the ro...

How to make friends as an adult

Tell a girl you love her

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

I saw two kids fighting on an elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

They didn’t stand a chance...

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

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I have supported female entrepreneurs my entire adult life

...fucking prostitutes

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

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90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke

Timmy played in the mud. That’s the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That’s the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

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I used to change adult diapers for a living...

But I don't deal with that shit anymore.

Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

if you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

Ever since I started to wear adult diapers

I've been a changed man.

I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

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Why were adults yanking their teeth out after watching a shitty movie from Dwyane Johnson?

To get their money back from "The Tooth Fairy".

Where do people who need adult diapers live?

In continents.

These days whey manufacturers are against selling to adults.

Their products are pro teen.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" [ adult ]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

I'm an adult who likes puns...

I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?

An adult tree

I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house.

Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.

adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

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A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."
The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothin...

My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…

I hope she blows it…

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

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Adult jokes - The difference in words

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opport...

As an adult, I don't like talking about church

I went as a kid, but it's a touchy subject

Alabamans were fine with Roy Moore dating teenagers as an adult until

they found out that he wasn't dating cousins.

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll...

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
...

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There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.

Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.

As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.

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