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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

German adults are mean

German kids are kinder.

When I was 15 my friend gave me an “Adult” DVD that he stole from his stepdad. I’m in my late 20’s now and still watch it regularly...

I’m hoping to finish it someday.

How many anti-vax adults does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

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Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary

Johnny gets a hard-on

Obviously Mary started asking right away: "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnnys dick

Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly: "That's a stork"

Mary is still bored and starts asking again: "What is that?" while pointing at Johnnys ball...

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret...

...so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite...

What do you call an unvaccinated adult

A corpse

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth

In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.

What do you call an adult film made under the sea?

A prawn

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

Being an adult is

basically trying to avoid people who have seen you naked, while trying to find new people to see you naked.

I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.

Turns out it was all missionaries.

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so i'm about to be a legal adult,

and i have a lot of things to make up my mind about. like masturbation, for example. because on one hand, it feels good...

Adults are like my mobile phone

Always incharge

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

A little boy named Johnny was told by his classmate that all adults have a deep dark secret, and can easily be manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it out, and when he came home, he walked up to his mother and said

“Mom, I know everything” his mom shushes him, gives him $10, and says “just don’t tell your dad”

Johnny does it again, but this time with his dad.

“Dad, I know everything” the dad shushes ...

Why do adults hate school shooting jokes?

They are aimed at a younger audience.

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Little Johnny talks like an adult

This is my sister's favorite joke

\--

One day in Kindergarten...

Mrs Smith: Ok class, today we're going to try and talk like adults. OK? Let's try it. Kevin, what did you have for dinner last night?

Kevin: We ate cheesy macaroony!

Mrs Smith: OK, but let's talk...

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious

Why was the Marine kicked out of the adult video store?

Dishonorable discharge

My friend asked me, "What kind of adult diapers do they sell for Pennywise the Clown?"

It depends.

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

What's the opposite of adulting?

Kidding.

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A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat...

Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Where do people from Boston go to buy antique adult movies?

A Pawn Shawp

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

Why is Coffee for adults only?

Because it’s Not Tea.

I hate baby’s with old adult names.

“No I don’t want to hold Walter.”

My wife wants to do adult videos at a high elevation

She'll be camming around the mountain when she comes

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.

It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.

"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said ...

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

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I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners

it's gonna be called hydropornic

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

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Circus for adults...

In a circus, there’s an act with alligators. The trainer makes the alligator open it’s jaws. He then proceeds to drop his pants and sticks his dick between the alligators jaws. The alligator starts to slowly close it’s mouth. Just before it bites off the trainers dick, the trainer hits the alligator...

A child inside a body of an adult is a cheerful person

An adult inside a child's body is a priest

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

How do you know you're an adult?

You realize The Sims is a financial fantasy game where a 2 story house costs 100 000$ and can be afforded with a working salary

Did you hear about that new threesome adult film starring a physicist?

It's called, "The Double-slit Experiment".

Being from the UK, I see the US election is a bit like baseball.

Lots of adults inexplicably wearing caps and I have no idea who is winning or what the rules are!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You li...

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

Adults

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

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What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

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What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

(NSFW) What type of Adult Videos did people like in the 1940s?

Black and white

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

The military will save money by drafting young adults

And letting them pay for wartime wounds with their own healthcare.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

Why is it that kids love bubble wrap, while adults just find it annoying?

Nobody really knows, it's just one of the hallmarks of pop culture.

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

The only superpower Asian kids have is super vision.

Commonly known as "being under constant adult supervision"

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

I remember back when I was a kid, walking down a gravel road with my grandpa....

I accidentally tripped and fell, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first kid ...

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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

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A man wants to buy an inflatable sex doll

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?” The customer says, “Female” The counter guy asks, “Black or white?” The customer says, “White” The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?” The customer says, “What the hell does religion...

So when someone turns 18...

Do all of their minor inconveniences turn into adult inconveniences?

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

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Blonde woman takes a dildo back to the adult shop and asked for a refund, owner asks why? Blonde Replies.

It has knocked all my fucking teeth out.

What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed.

Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want.

New Bee Species

I was reading an article this week about this new bee they found in one of the Dakotas.

Apparently they have one of the worst stings known to man, and can actually knock out a full grown adult who gets stung.

The other worst part is that like a lot of insects, they try to lay eggs in t...

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

Ubisoft's has a new subsidiary that only makes adult games

It's call Illbhard

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

A very old man watches adult movie at night, alone....

Suddenly, his wife, a very old lady enters the room. Astonished, she shouts at him:



"What are you doing, Frank?"



"Be quiet dear. I am watching to see if they will marry after.."

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

Three sheep in trench coat want to see a movie

“One adult ticket please” the sheep says

“I can tell you’re three sheep in a trench coat” the salesman says

“Really?”

“Yes! One, two, zzz”

I applied for a job in the adult industry once

But I couldn't find a good position.

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

I suffered from horrible debilitating migraines for most of my adult life, but amazingly I became completely cured of them a couple months ago.

The wife left me.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

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Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??

The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!

How did it happen? Asked the judge.

Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the ro...

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

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