UPJOKE
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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

What do you call adult nightclubs for nerds?

Comic strips.

A man buys adult diapers

The clerk asks "are you one of those weirdos with a diaper fetish?" with a judgmental look on his face



The man says "no, I'm an Amazon warehouse employee."



The clerk says "Ah, I understand now."

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in.

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

In Alabama, they're not worried about OnlyFans restricting adult content

They use OnlyFams.

OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...

They call it OnlyFams!

I'm not adulting today.

I'm kidding.

What happens when North becomes an adult and Kim finally admits to Kanye that North was never really his ?

“18 years, 18 years!”

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

The bands Def Leppard and Blind Melon did a collaboration.

They called the song “Helen Keller”.


Courtesy of my adult daughter onto which my ‘dad humor’ has clearly rubbed off!!

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

Can older adults be circumcised?

Or is there a cut off date ?

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

Guys, I’m so proud of myself, I’ve been doing a lot of adulting more and more lately.

Lol gotcha, I’m only kidding.

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

As my dear departed mother used to say: "Hooray, hooray, the first of may!...."

"Outdoor screwing starts today!" (She actually did teach me that. I was an adult but still.)

What does santa say to naughty adults?

Hoe hoe hoe

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

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what's Whitney Huston's favorite adult porn genre?

HENTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

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A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat...

Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

When my wife and I disagree about something, we sit down and talk it through like adults...

...and then we agree that she was absolutely right.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

Kids are born with 4 kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

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What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

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What do you call a secret cabal of strippers who surreptitiously control the adult entertainment industry?

The Illumi-naughty

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

A child funny story

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

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A family is checking in to a hotel on vacation

So the father of the family says to the hotel clerk
"I hope that all the adult channels will be disabled"

And the clerk replies
"They're all just regular adult channels you sick fuck"

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.

He told me, "A dull ting."

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

How do you make friends as an adult?

Have kids and hope they're funny

Seriously, I think the only difference between us is that you're an adult.

I kid you not.

What do you call an adult female chicken that likes to draft blueprints?

A Hen-gineer

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

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so i'm about to be a legal adult,

and i have a lot of things to make up my mind about. like masturbation, for example. because on one hand, it feels good...

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

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Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

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Old save file on my N64 says a lot about my self confidence back then

Named myself "DumbButt"

I'm happy to report that I am now a happy adult, replaying my favourite game as SmartAss

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth

In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.

what is adultation?

is it opposite of kidding?

Why do adults hate school shooting jokes?

They are aimed at a younger audience.

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

Doctor has a question.

He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."

When I was a kid I wanted to be a fantasy writer

So when I became an adult I joined the UN's security council.

What do you call an adult film made under the sea?

A prawn

When I was a lad, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa.

I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.I'll never forget the p...

Being an adult is

basically trying to avoid people who have seen you naked, while trying to find new people to see you naked.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

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My friend got high on shrooms and pissed himself while still awake. What are some good adult diaper jokes to properly shame him?

Don't really know where else to post, I actually need some good ones here!!

I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.

Turns out it was all missionaries.

I hate baby’s with old adult names.

“No I don’t want to hold Walter.”

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

What’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

You wished you were an adult.

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

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I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners

it's gonna be called hydropornic

Adults are like my mobile phone

Always incharge

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

[OC. Hope you like!] Every birthday my Grandmother makes me hand sewn clothing as a gift and mails them from her hometown...

... Last year she sent me an oversized ascot. Now, I haven't seen her since I was a kid and I'm an average sized adult male now, but my sweet grandmother must have thought I grew into being a giant because everything she sends me is extremely large and I just can't fit anything she makes so I simpl...

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Little Johnny talks like an adult

This is my sister's favorite joke

\--

One day in Kindergarten...

Mrs Smith: Ok class, today we're going to try and talk like adults. OK? Let's try it. Kevin, what did you have for dinner last night?

Kevin: We ate cheesy macaroony!

Mrs Smith: OK, but let's talk...

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What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

My friend asked me, "What kind of adult diapers do they sell for Pennywise the Clown?"

It depends.

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

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What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

How many anti-vax adults does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

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This happened in a country town, I don't know which state, but it was a very traditional community.

There were two boys, friends Johnny and Jesus, walking through the little town when they spotted a guava tree near the church. Johnny decided to climb the tree to get some guavas, and left his slipper with Jesus to make sure that no adult came. After about 10 minutes, Jesus remembered that he had an...

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

Why is Coffee for adults only?

Because it’s Not Tea.

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

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