As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

A little boy named Johnny was told by his classmate that all adults have a deep dark secret, and can easily be manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it out, and when he came home, he walked up to his mother and said

“Mom, I know everything” his mom shushes him, gives him $10, and says “just don’t tell your dad”

Johnny does it again, but this time with his dad.

“Dad, I know everything” the dad shushes ...

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

In Germany, the adults are kind...

... but children are kinder.

Why do adults hate school shooting jokes?

They are aimed at a younger audience.

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

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A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat...

Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

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I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners

it's gonna be called hydropornic

My wife wants to do adult videos at a high elevation

She'll be camming around the mountain when she comes

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

I hate baby’s with old adult names.

“No I don’t want to hold Walter.”

What do you call an adult with an imagination?

Schizophrenic.

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

Why is Coffee for adults only?

Because it’s Not Tea.

An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.

It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.

"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said ...

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

Did you hear about that new threesome adult film starring a physicist?

It's called, "The Double-slit Experiment".

We're in big trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children young...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

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Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary

Johnny gets a hard-on

Obviously Mary started asking right away: "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnnys dick

Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly: "That's a stork"

Mary is still bored and starts asking again: "What is that?" while pointing at Johnnys ball...

What is the opposite of adulting?

Just kidding.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

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What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

How do you know you're an adult?

You realize The Sims is a financial fantasy game where a 2 story house costs 100 000$ and can be afforded with a working salary

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

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What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

If Mt. Everest was a working adult...

It would be call Mt. Neverrest

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Circus for adults...

In a circus, there’s an act with alligators. The trainer makes the alligator open it’s jaws. He then proceeds to drop his pants and sticks his dick between the alligators jaws. The alligator starts to slowly close it’s mouth. Just before it bites off the trainers dick, the trainer hits the alligator...

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Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

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Yeah, I have a heroine addiction.

\*Pulls out young adult novel with a strong female figure\*

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

Why is it that kids love bubble wrap, while adults just find it annoying?

Nobody really knows, it's just one of the hallmarks of pop culture.

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

America has switched from pounds to kilograms

Adults used to average 160 pounds, now we average 160 kilograms.

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

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A pianist once played for a porn movie.

He decided to go to the adult movie theatre just so he could hear his own piano.

At the theatre he got very uncomfortable and embarrassed. The movie was very graphic. It involved group sex, double penetration and even a dog.


On exiting the theatre he locked eyes with the couple ...

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My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully

So I went to the school to see why that happened...

“It’s against our policy to hit other students.” Says the principal.

“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say

“Yes”

So I did what any rational ...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

What do you call an adult panda who eats too much?

Bamboomer

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

Famous people and their mothers

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

Ubisoft's has a new subsidiary that only makes adult games

It's call Illbhard

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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed.

Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want.

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

A Child Asked To His Father....

"How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his ...

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

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Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...?

We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.

Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".

Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But between you and me it’s because my mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore

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Blonde woman takes a dildo back to the adult shop and asked for a refund, owner asks why? Blonde Replies.

It has knocked all my fucking teeth out.

A very old man watches adult movie at night, alone....

Suddenly, his wife, a very old lady enters the room. Astonished, she shouts at him:



"What are you doing, Frank?"



"Be quiet dear. I am watching to see if they will marry after.."

As kids we loved the heroes,

As adults we understood the villains.

What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

I applied for a job in the adult industry once

But I couldn't find a good position.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

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Slightly adult content: I used to date a girl so wide down under, I had no way of knowing if I was in or out. It was like...

Schrödinger’s pussy.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he s...

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My wife got the following letter from the adult video store today.

Thank you for your order from our sex shop.
You asked for a large red dildo as featured on our wall.
Please select another product, that is our fire extinguisher

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

I suffered from horrible debilitating migraines for most of my adult life, but amazingly I became completely cured of them a couple months ago.

The wife left me.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??

The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!

How did it happen? Asked the judge.

Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the ro...

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Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper?

Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:
*6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*
KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?
DAD: Coz they're assholes

How to make friends as an adult

Tell a girl you love her

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

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The new employee.

This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself ...

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

Vaccinanted vs Unvaccinated adults

(2045)
Vaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up playing fortnite
Unvaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

I can finally watch adult content and games from tomorrow.

It's 18+

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Pain tolerance

It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.
There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement.

Childhood, blink and you'll miss it.

Felt just like yesterday that I was running after other kids in the playground.... before you know it, I'm being arrested and charged as an adult.

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Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

Being an adult, I now realize how wise and correct my father really was...

I am worthless and will never amount to anything.

As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice

After all no one likes cold Fries.

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

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Changed my mind

When I was like 6-7 I thought that people are being delivered through the anus.


Then at school I learned the difference between the man/woman anatomy and learned that people are being delivered through the vagina.


Being an adult I learned that a good % of people were nonet...

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

They say 1 in 4 adults are abysmal at maths.

The other 2 are just bad.

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

I'm turning anti-vax because

Vaccines cause adults and adults suck

What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?

Religious

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I have supported female entrepreneurs my entire adult life

...fucking prostitutes

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

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