The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is

"Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s a punishment as a child but a reward as an adult?

Anal sex

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

Vaccinanted vs Unvaccinated adults

(2045)
Vaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up playing fortnite
Unvaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??

The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!

How did it happen? Asked the judge.

Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the ro...

Being an adult, I now realize how wise and correct my father really was...

I am worthless and will never amount to anything.

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

How to make friends as an adult

Tell a girl you love her

As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice

After all no one likes cold Fries.

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But between you and me it’s because my mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he s...

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girls walks into an Adult Store. "Hi I want to buy that Red Dildo right there"

Cashier: that's a Fire Extinguisher you whore"

I saw two kids fighting on an elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

They didn’t stand a chance...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The innocents of kids. Adult version

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the fathe...

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have supported female entrepreneurs my entire adult life

...fucking prostitutes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to change adult diapers for a living...

But I don't deal with that shit anymore.

Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke

Timmy played in the mud. That’s the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That’s the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

if you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Ever since I started to wear adult diapers

I've been a changed man.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?

These days whey manufacturers are against selling to adults.

Their products are pro teen.

Where do people who need adult diapers live?

In continents.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" [ adult ]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house.

Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision

I'm an adult who likes puns...

I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?

An adult tree

Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adult jokes - The difference in words

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opport...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."
The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothin...

My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…

I hope she blows it…

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll...

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
...

adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

As an adult, I don't like talking about church

I went as a kid, but it's a touchy subject

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.

Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.

As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when young adults are so obsessed with their phones that they stop having sex?

Appstinence

I'm an adult, and am 5 feet 1 inches

Sounds bad, but made worse by the fact that they are two measurements.

How do you take care of an adult chicken with a broken leg?

You make them chicken soup.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adult store

Bob started his first day at the adult store. Half way thru the day he felt comfortable and was absorbing everything the store owner is teaching him.

Then the store owner gets an emergency store and has to leave. He tells Bob "I have to leave do you want me to close the store or can you ha...