UPJOKE
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A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

A man buys adult diapers

The clerk asks "are you one of those weirdos with a diaper fetish?" with a judgmental look on his face



The man says "no, I'm an Amazon warehouse employee."



The clerk says "Ah, I understand now."

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not..

Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

A prudish mother visits her adult daughter

Her daughter was living in an apartment with a young man, and she did not approve of her living situation. The daughter picked up the mother from the airport, and brought her home. The mother carefully looked around the house. Two bedrooms, one clearly the daughter's, and one clearly belonging to...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

What do you call adult nightclubs for nerds?

Comic strips.

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...

They call it OnlyFams!

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

Can older adults be circumcised?

Or is there a cut off date ?

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

In Alabama, they're not worried about OnlyFans restricting adult content

They use OnlyFams.

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

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A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat...

Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

I'm not adulting today.

I'm kidding.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just bought a new car, I named her Sally," he tells the bartender. "You're an adult now, you really shouldn't anthropomorphize things," the bartender says. "Why not?" the guys asks. "Because they don't like it," the bartender replies.

Little Jimmy was visiting with his grandpa

They were both sitting in the living room and suddenly little Jimmy asked the grandpa:

- ‘Grandpa, what is a c*nt?’

The grandpa was a little bit shocked with the question. He checked whether the grandma was in the kitchen and took little Jimmy up to the attic. There, he moved few of th...

Old School Turtle Test

The Turtle Test tests how clean your mind is. There are four questions. Each question is correctly answered with a clean response.

Q1: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?

A1: >!Shake hands.!<

Q2: What's it called when two co...

When my wife and I disagree about something, we sit down and talk it through like adults...

...and then we agree that she was absolutely right.

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

What does santa say to naughty adults?

Hoe hoe hoe

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What do you call a secret cabal of strippers who surreptitiously control the adult entertainment industry?

The Illumi-naughty

The checkup

Bob went to a clinic for a checkup.

The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

\- “In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says:

\- “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before.

The man said,

\- “Not one l...

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what's Whitney Huston's favorite adult porn genre?

HENTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.

He told me, "A dull ting."

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

Seriously, I think the only difference between us is that you're an adult.

I kid you not.

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

What do you call an adult female chicken that likes to draft blueprints?

A Hen-gineer

How do you make friends as an adult?

Have kids and hope they're funny

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The tragedy of Robert the Rooster

Why did Robert the Rooster decide to kill himself? I'm talking about the rooster who worked 80 work weeks, who got up at the crack of dawn every morning, who had three divorces in his thirties, who is survived by his two estranged children, who had horrible credit, and who suffered from chronic acid...

A telemarketer calls a family’s home phone

A little girl picks up and whispers “hello?”

TM- “Oh hello little girl, are your mommy or daddy home?”

LG- (chuckles, then whispers) “yes they both are, but they’re busy and can’t talk right now.”

TM- “Oh, okay… is there another adult I can speak with?”

LG- (whispers) yea...

Shocking story

A small kid asked his wealthy self-made friend (that is also a small kid) the secret behind him making hundreds of dollars everytime he speaks to an adult that he knows, and his buddy replied "the secret is telling the adult I know everything, they will simply tell you to keep your mouth shut and ha...

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

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The Voodoo sex toy

This man is going to go out of town for the weekend for a conference at his job. He's a good husband to his wife so he doesn't want her to be "alone" while he is away. One night after work, he goes to the adult store in his city. He goes in and looks around at all the sex toys but they all look t...

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so i'm about to be a legal adult,

and i have a lot of things to make up my mind about. like masturbation, for example. because on one hand, it feels good...

Did you kill many of the enemy?

This was back in the 1970s. A middle-aged man got upset with his neighbor and spilled a flowerpot full of water out his window onto her. She got very upset and pressed charges against him. So the man had to go and get a lawyer to represent him, and the lawyer asked the judge for leniency, arguing...

The bands Def Leppard and Blind Melon did a collaboration.

They called the song “Helen Keller”.


Courtesy of my adult daughter onto which my ‘dad humor’ has clearly rubbed off!!

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Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

What is a birthday tradition that you can't continue until you are an adult.

Dinner at Hooters

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth

In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

Being an adult is

basically trying to avoid people who have seen you naked, while trying to find new people to see you naked.

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

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What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

What do you call an adult film made under the sea?

A prawn

I hate baby’s with old adult names.

“No I don’t want to hold Walter.”

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.

Turns out it was all missionaries.

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

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Little Johnny talks like an adult

This is my sister's favorite joke

\--

One day in Kindergarten...

Mrs Smith: Ok class, today we're going to try and talk like adults. OK? Let's try it. Kevin, what did you have for dinner last night?

Kevin: We ate cheesy macaroony!

Mrs Smith: OK, but let's talk...

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

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What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

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My friend got high on shrooms and pissed himself while still awake. What are some good adult diaper jokes to properly shame him?

Don't really know where else to post, I actually need some good ones here!!

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

As my dear departed mother used to say: "Hooray, hooray, the first of may!...."

"Outdoor screwing starts today!" (She actually did teach me that. I was an adult but still.)

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

A child funny story

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

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I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners

it's gonna be called hydropornic

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

How many anti-vax adults does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

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