UPJOKE
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worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

Today on a drive, I decided to visit my childhood home.

I asked the people living there if I could come inside as I was feeling nostalgic. They refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips…..

you are just living in the past tents.

My favorite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom took the urn away

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

I had a fun childhood, my dad used to push me down the hill in old tires

They were Goodyears

I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

A man walked into a bar

And stayed there my entire childhood.

I had a very wholesome childhood.

I’ve been trying to fill those holes ever since.

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

What was Dwayne Johnson called in his childhood?

The Pebble.

Childhood is like being drunk,

everyone remembers what you did, except you

What's the difference between childhood and adulthood?

"Wow, you're fast," goes from being a compliment to being an insult.

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

She told me she likes it rough

So I proceeded to tell her all about my childhood.

An american comes back to the old country and is trying to explain his childhood friend what america is all about. "I jump in my truck in the morning and drive all day, and by night I still have not reached the other side of my farm"

"I know, I got a car just like that"

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

Two students were talking about their childhood.

I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."


"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

I don't like talking about my childhood as a church choir boy

it is a touchy subject

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

An old man thanks Stalin

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"

One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"

The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

This one is from my mom's childhood

One night, a young lad had a little too much to drink. He starts heading home. He is passing through his neighborhood to get to his house. As he walks, he yells, "People!" There is no reaction from the neighborhood, so he yells "people!" louder. No reaction again. Finally, he hollers, "Hey you peopl...

Preventing childhood obesity is...

....as taking candy from a baby.

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

What was Trump’s favorite childhood story?

Winnie the Coup.

I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try, you can't go back.

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

A joke from my childhood

Patient: Doctor my eye always hurts when I drink tea.
Doctor: Get the spoon out from your cup dummy.
Patient: Oh thank you.
Doctor: Now pay $50.

So after hours of looking I finally found this old clock joke from my childhood.

It’s about time.

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood?

It's a hare-raising tale!

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

I played with my childhood console this morning.

It was a good Wiiunion.

From childhood, I believed air was free

But then I bought a pack of wafers...

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties

No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over

Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman on earth to marry me.

All three said no.

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

I gave my kids the childhood I never had.

I had a great childhood.

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

I stopped by my childhood home and asked the owners politely whether I can have a look around. They immediately said no and slammed the door on my face.

My parents can be so rude sometimes.

How do you know your childhood is over?

The priest stops touching you.

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses...

Before that, life was a blur...

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One of the only jokes I remember from childhood...

Superman was flying around Metropolis on a sunny day, and it was a boring one. No crime to fight.
So he keeps flying around the city, cruising around - and finally he sees Wonder Woman on top of a building, sunbathing in the nude.
Superman circles around the city a few times, getting hornier...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

What was 16's favorite childhood game?

4 square

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the Nazis and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."

"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."

"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."

"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my sid...

Two childhood friends, Thomas and Jeremy, won the first division lottery.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked "Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we're millionaires?"

"Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds."

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

Playing a childhood video game to relive old memories is like hooking up with your EX...

Seems fun at first, but then you remember why you stopped in the first place.

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

John and Bill were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bill but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bill was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!” St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bill didn’t make it to ...

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's memoir of his childhood?

It's called *Fondle Memories*

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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.

When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and appre...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a bar.

"You know," one says, "I love Guiness. It takes me back to Ireland, where I was raised."

"You're kidding!" says the second patron. "I was born in Ireland too!"

The men toast Ireland, laugh, and keep drinking. The bartender shakes his head.

"So where in Ireland are you from?"
...

Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"

"Wow! That must have been scary!"

"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

Three childhood friends sign up for the army

And it's their first day, time for assignments.

The drill Sergeant asks the first one. "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?"

"I like to go sailing!" he replied.

"OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOATS!"

The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. "I like t...

Another of my favorite childhood jokes: taking the dog to the vet

A woman became concerned about her dog after he started showing little interest in things he used to love. She also noticed him spending most of the day sleeping and lagging behind on walks, so she decided to take him to the vet.

The vet picked up the dog and checked him all over, intensely s...

I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent tied up in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.

But it doesn't make up for my childhood.

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

Dear Lord, you have given me a great childhood

It was beautiful

Then you’ve taken it away

Dear Lord, then you’ve given me a great youth

It was beautiful

Then you’ve taken it away

Then, Dear Lord you’ve given me a wife

Oh, I’m just reminding

My favorite burn…

Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

Do you know what I miss about my childhood?

Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

Young Boy : Grandpa, tell me a story of your childhood

Old Man : Hmmm...when I was young, I could go to a store with 50 cents and get myself candy, toys, and bread.

YB : wow that must've been fantastic. What about now?

OM : Sigh, times have changed. Nowadays with those darn cameras everywhere in the store, its practically impossible to do...

End childhood obesity...

Eat your kids’ Easter eggs

Growing up, it always my childhood dream to study populations...

...then I came to my census

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy.

Youthless

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

What's Trump's childhood fear that still remains true to this day?

He was always afraid of the dark.

Old corny joke from my childhood.

Once upon a time there were three brothers.

There names were Shadhap, Traboule and Mannars.

One day Traboule was lost so the two other brothers went to the police.

Then Mannars had to go to the washroom and told his brother to talk to the policeman.

The policeman asked, "...

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I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television.

They tried to push down my boner instead.

I see your childhood joke and raise you mine: What object crashes the most?

A kaleidoscope!

More than true?

“ My foot hurts “

My mom: it's nothing

Doctor: Take these pills

Psychiatrist: a problem in your childhood

Google: gravestones for sale!

Jim Abbott had an aid his entire childhood

He was his right hand man

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