UPJOKE
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My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

Childhood is like getting drunk..

... everyone remembers what you did except you.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately,...

Childhood is like Pokémon.

Every generation introduces a new batch of cute monsters that just want to battle each other.

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

A man walked into a bar … and stayed there my entire childhood

Yes I’m recycling myself. But I’m in therapy now :)

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips…..

you are just living in the past tents.

I had a very wholesome childhood.

I’ve been trying to fill those holes ever since.

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

Childhood injury

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I’d always heard adults talk about i...

Ending childhood obesity is as easy as

taking candy away from a baby.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

I had a very lonely childhood

But after learning how to build Robots, I made lots of friends.

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

I fondly remember our childhood when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire.

Those were the Good Years.

I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!

A joke from my childhood

Patient: Doctor my eye always hurts when I drink tea.
Doctor: Get the spoon out from your cup dummy.
Patient: Oh thank you.
Doctor: Now pay $50.

Two students were talking about their childhood.

I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."


"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

What's the difference between childhood and adulthood?

"Wow, you're fast," goes from being a compliment to being an insult.

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties

No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over

I Had A Fun Childhood

My dad used to push me down a hill in some old tires..


They were GoodYears

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

I don't like talking about my childhood as a church choir boy

it is a touchy subject

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try, you can't go back.

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

I gave my kids the childhood I never had.

I had a great childhood.

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

How do you know your childhood is over?

The priest stops touching you.

What was Trump’s favorite childhood story?

Winnie the Coup.

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

Childhood was hard

I was a ugly kid growing up

When I played in the sandbox, cat kept covering me up

From childhood, I believed air was free

But then I bought a pack of wafers...

I played with my childhood console this morning.

It was a good Wiiunion.

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

What was 16's favorite childhood game?

4 square

Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood?

It's a hare-raising tale!

I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

End childhood obesity...

Eat your kids’ Easter eggs

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

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So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

For some reason I remembered this joke my sister told from my childhood (long)

There was once this old lady who lived in a little pink house. One night she decided to get ready for bed, so she put on her little pink slippers, her little pink nightie and her little pink dressing gown, and climbed up her little pink stairs to go to her little pink bedroom. Once there, she took o...

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

Two childhood friends, Thomas and Jeremy, won the first division lottery.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked "Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we're millionaires?"

"Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds."

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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.

When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and appre...

Three childhood friends sign up for the army

And it's their first day, time for assignments.

The drill Sergeant asks the first one. "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?"

"I like to go sailing!" he replied.

"OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOATS!"

The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. "I like t...

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously


Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's memoir of his childhood?

It's called *Fondle Memories*

My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses...

Before that, life was a blur...

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

Do you know what I miss about my childhood?

Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Nostradamus's childhood

Kid Nostradamus asks his mom:

"Mom, what's for dinner?"

"Like you don't know, you little prick!"

Dear Lord, you have given me a great childhood

It was beautiful

Then you’ve taken it away

Dear Lord, then you’ve given me a great youth

It was beautiful

Then you’ve taken it away

Then, Dear Lord you’ve given me a wife

Oh, I’m just reminding

Jim Abbott had an aid his entire childhood

He was his right hand man

Young Boy : Grandpa, tell me a story of your childhood

Old Man : Hmmm...when I was young, I could go to a store with 50 cents and get myself candy, toys, and bread.

YB : wow that must've been fantastic. What about now?

OM : Sigh, times have changed. Nowadays with those darn cameras everywhere in the store, its practically impossible to do...

Old corny joke from my childhood.

Once upon a time there were three brothers.

There names were Shadhap, Traboule and Mannars.

One day Traboule was lost so the two other brothers went to the police.

Then Mannars had to go to the washroom and told his brother to talk to the policeman.

The policeman asked, "...

Curing childhood obesity is easy.

As simple as taking candy from a baby.

^thank ^you ^[u/HelpdeskHistorian](http://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/2gru5q/childhood_obesity_can_literally_be_cured_by/)

A beloved nursery rhyme from my childhood!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
Who had so many children she didn't know what to do.

So she cut 'em up, put 'em into pies,
Took 'em to the fair and won first prize!

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

Growing up, it always my childhood dream to study populations...

...then I came to my census

Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"

"Wow! That must have been scary!"

"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

Playing a childhood video game to relive old memories is like hooking up with your EX...

Seems fun at first, but then you remember why you stopped in the first place.

Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman on earth to marry me.

All three said no.

Another of my favorite childhood jokes: taking the dog to the vet

A woman became concerned about her dog after he started showing little interest in things he used to love. She also noticed him spending most of the day sleeping and lagging behind on walks, so she decided to take him to the vet.

The vet picked up the dog and checked him all over, intensely s...

What's Trump's childhood fear that still remains true to this day?

He was always afraid of the dark.

What childhood game are orphans not aloud to play?

House.

John and Bill were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bill but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bill was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!” St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bill didn’t make it to ...

A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy.

Youthless

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