UPJOKE
childadolescenceinfancyinfantbirthtoddlerboyhoodadulthoodadolescentchildishtoddleimmaturitykidjuvenileinfantile

Childhood Jokes

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips…..

you are just living in the past tents.

A man walked into a bar … and stayed there my entire childhood

Yes I’m recycling myself. But I’m in therapy now :)

Childhood is like Pokémon.

Every generation introduces a new batch of cute monsters that just want to battle each other.

my most cherished childhood memory.

Is when I was building sandcastles with my grandfather until my mother would take away the urn from my hands.

Ending childhood obesity is as easy as

taking candy away from a baby.

She told me she likes it rough

So I proceeded to tell her all about my childhood.

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

3 friends from China immigrated to the US

3 Chinese guys Bu, Chu and Fu, who were friends since childhood moved to US for work.

For their names being Chinese, they weren't getting shortlisted for interviews.

A guys suggested them to Americanise their names.

When they asked how.

He suggested add something to your ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

Today on a drive, I decided to visit my childhood home.

I asked the people living there if I could come inside as I was feeling nostalgic. They refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

An old man thanks Stalin

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"

One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"

The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

I had a fun childhood, my dad used to push me down the hill in old tires

They were Goodyears

I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!

I had a very wholesome childhood.

I’ve been trying to fill those holes ever since.

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

Childhood is like being drunk,

everyone remembers what you did, except you

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a bar.

"You know," one says, "I love Guiness. It takes me back to Ireland, where I was raised."

"You're kidding!" says the second patron. "I was born in Ireland too!"

The men toast Ireland, laugh, and keep drinking. The bartender shakes his head.

"So where in Ireland are you from?"
...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

My favorite burn…

Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.

He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."

A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."

The old Jew ...

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

More than true?

“ My foot hurts “

My mom: it's nothing

Doctor: Take these pills

Psychiatrist: a problem in your childhood

Google: gravestones for sale!

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

An american comes back to the old country and is trying to explain his childhood friend what america is all about. "I jump in my truck in the morning and drive all day, and by night I still have not reached the other side of my farm"

"I know, I got a car just like that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

A joke from Taiwan slightly adapted to suit the world better

At a high school reunion, a group of people were having a chat, looking back on their childhood.

One of the guys said: "I used to look really pretty and my mom always took care of my looks, so everyone thought I was a girl."

Another replied: "That definitely caused a lot of troubles!"<...

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A true story

Saw my Doctor this morning about my undescended testicle, he seemed surprised that this hadn’t been caught in early childhood during any of my checkups.

He asked, “did your parents never check you as a baby?”

I replied, “no, they really dropped the ball on this one”

He smiled. ...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

Two students were talking about their childhood.

I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."


"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

I don't like talking about my childhood as a church choir boy

it is a touchy subject

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

The rest of my class complained when we were told we're getting the Classical Civilisation class, but I don't understand why.

It's such an interesting topic. I've always wanted to learn about my parents' childhood.

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 5Q + 5Q?

10Q

You're welcome.


Just a corny ass joke from my childhood. It gets a laugh 60% of the time, every time

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try, you can't go back.

What was Trump’s favorite childhood story?

Winnie the Coup.

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

They say that curiosity kills the cat.

My childhood memories are ruined, now that i realized that Curious George is a cat killer

How many steps? - Add questions if you have something similar.

* How many steps does it take to put an elephant in the fridge?
* Three: open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
* How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in the fridge?
* Four: open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
* All the an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

I used to be good at operating a boomerang.

It was difficult to re-learn a childhood hobby...

*but then it came back*

A joke from my childhood

Patient: Doctor my eye always hurts when I drink tea.
Doctor: Get the spoon out from your cup dummy.
Patient: Oh thank you.
Doctor: Now pay $50.

An old Latvian anecdote

Part 1:

So a Latvian, Russian and Englishman are on a plane and as the plane is circling around the airport they are beginning to get a little nervous when the pilots voice suddenly sounds "the plane is too heavy to land we need to drop some weight or else we won't make it to the airport" and...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

A man takes over his brother's peach shop for a couple days

His brother tells him all the peaches are worth 25 cents. The next day, a child comes up to him and wants to buy some peaches:

Child: How much do they cost?

Man: 25 cents

Child: Are they fresh?

The man is stumped by this question, so he asks his brother. His brother te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.

&nbsp;
**Man:** "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"

&nbsp;
**Doctor:** "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your s...

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

So after hours of looking I finally found this old clock joke from my childhood.

It’s about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.