What did the disappointed mozart-fan infant say when he opened his gift?

Baby got Bach

Two members of the church went to pray for a woman who's infant became mute.

They knocked on the door of and the woman was clearly not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their prayers then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two church ...

A chef was working in the kitchen and decided to take a break when his wife brought their infant son into the restaurant. He took his son, cradled him in his arms, and began gently swaying back and forth. Suddenly, the baby filled his diaper, and the stench filled the room.

One of the diners said to another, “Can you smell what the cook is rockin’?”

I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant.

I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant. When I suggested she put the baby down, she looked at the child and said, "You sure are one ugly kid."

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

[Father’s day] It’s great to wake up to the laughter of infants...

...Except if it’s the dead of night and you don’t have children

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What is Democracy

Lil John asks his dad "What is democracy?".

Dad: "Imagine our home is like a country. I bring money so I am like capitalism. Your mother orders everyone around so she is like government. Grandpa... Grandpa is like work unions. Our housemaid is working group. We do it all for you so you are th...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could dea...

Phones are like infants;

The more you drop them the slower they get.

Credit: u/IdStillSmash

I like my wings how I like my holy infant...

Tender and mild.

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

What do you call an infant with no hands?

A feetus.

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

Why was the African infant crying?

Mid-life crisis.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and an infant child?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

“Zis is a bit tepid,” he complains.

“Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never s...

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say to an infant who wants to install windows 7 on the baby’s PC from 2006?

Uninstall Vista, baby

What do you call a baby ent?

Infantry (Infant-tree)

The three wise men were visiting the little baby Jesus

As Melichior leans over to get a closer look at the infant he bumps his head on the roof of the manger and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Mary looks up and says, "What a nice name, I was going to call him Irving".

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

Two parents are with their infant child

The child says "Mother".

The mom is happy and says "He just said his first word!"

The dad says "No, he only said half a word."

There's a new search engine being developed for infants

Google Ga Ga

When I was an infant I had a nanny that abused me

And im still pretty shaken up about it

I saw an infant in the intensive care unit at the hospital...

... quietly playing with a toy donkey.
I couldn't help but think:
"ICU baby, shakin' that ass"

A mother enters a bus with her infant son.

A mother enters a bus with her infant son. The bus driver glances at them both and says:

-I'll be damned! That must be the ugliest kid I've seen in my entire life!

The mother is of course very insulted, and she slams the money down in front of the bus driver and walks over to the very ...

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s...

A gentleman carrying an infant was travelling from London to Bristol on a train...

A gentleman carrying an infant was travelling from London to Bristol on a train. Another gentleman entered the compartment, dumped his 2 huge suitcases, and sat beside the first.
As you know, Englishmen don't immediately speak to each other. So the first gentleman waited very politely for a whil...

Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.

Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?

Me: They prefer to be called executioners.

Russian father asks his infant son...

He says "Hello, comrade baby.. You know who I am, no?"

The baby responds "Da....da..."

What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can?

Stopping it with a shovel

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

I used to be into infantalism...

I eventually grew out of it.

A man walks out of a convenience store

A woman carrying an infant walks up to him.

"Could you spare some money sir, my child hasn't eaten in two days!"

The man replied, "Three days actually."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember? You've told me this yesterday as well."

After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me.

What do you call Afghan triplets?

Twins!

I am so sorry....

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

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[NSFW] A young couple is hooking up.

They decide to go to her place. Then they started kissing and making out. Then they pull off one piece of cloth after the another until the young man stops.

Him: "I must confess sonething!"

Her: "What is it?"

Him: "I have a penis like an infant."

Her: "Oh dear! Size does...

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A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

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Superman's extended family

Many of you know Kal-El (superman) and his father Zor-El, even his cousin supergirl.

Did you know he has several other loosely related relatives that also traveled to earth as infants and were raised here? Here are a few.

1) he has a cousin that was raised in Mexico, hardworking guy. H...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

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I got a bunch of laughs taffy’s on Saturday and thought I’d share

Q: Who was responsible for the lakes disarray

A: The loch mess monster

Q:Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant

A: She wanted a whittle baby

Q: What type of data has a big bite

A: megabyte

Q: What can you catch but not throw

A: A cold

Q: Wh...

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

I wrote the most disgusting joke ever.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Why don't mother vampires nurse their infants?

Because they only bleed once a month.

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A woman pregnant with twins is in a bank when two masked men enter with shotguns, a shot goes off and the woman is hit in the stomach by two stray pellets in the crossfire.

The woman goes to the doctors and they tell her that the pellets hit the unborn infants but that they would be ok, they'll just naturally pass the pellets as they get older. Years pass and the now mother is approached by her daughter "Mom, Mom I was on the toilet and a pellet came out!" The mother t...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

A mother enters the bus carrying her baby.

Upon seeing the little infant, the driver exclaims: "Eww, what a disgustingly ugly baby!"

Furious, the mother storms to the back of the bus, sitting down next to a gentleman.

She complains to him: "That bus driver just called my baby ugly! What a rude ass!"

The gentleman retorts...

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For three years, the young attorney

had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! <...

Did you know?

People who are left handed on average score higher on tests than ones who suffer from infant mortality.

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

It was their wedding night. . .

And the inexperienced couple had never undressed in front of each other. As the new groom slipped off his shoes and socks, his bride couldn't help but notice how terribly deformed his feet were.

"My goodness, Dear, whatever happened to your feet"

"Well, my love, I never mentioned this...

Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...

What do you call an army of toddlers?

Infant-ry.

*insert cringe here*

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.

He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The ...

I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.

What do you call a really really big ant?

A GIANT!

Now what do you call a baby ant?
an Infant!

What do you call an ant thats into business?
A Merchant!


please post more ant jokes if you know of any.

The adopted bunny

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate a...

What do you call a sapling in the military?

An Infantry! (Infant tree, a sapling is a baby/young tree? Ah forget it!)

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A woman 9 months pregnant with triplets is standing in a bank.

She is waiting in line when a masked gunman storms in and fires blindly hitting the woman three times in the stomach. She survives the bank robbery but goes into labor. She has two girls and a boy. Miraculously she survives and so do the triplets. Causing no issues the doctors decided that surgery o...

What's Pao's favorite Chinese dish?

Infant children.

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Baby answers the door

Delivery man knocks at the door and is greeted by a 2 year old holding a glass of Scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other.

Surprised by the picture of an infant drinking and smoking, he asks:

- are your parents home ?

And the kid responds:

- What the FUCK do you think...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

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A Native American boy walks up to the the Chief of his tribe...

He says to the Chief "Great Chief, where do the people of our tribe get their names?" the chief replies, "Well, each infant is given a name by their father seconds before the mother gives birth. You see, what the father does is observe the nature around them and let its spirit inspire them." The boy...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...

...and falls into a coma. Upon waking, she finds herself in the hospital and is informed by the doctor that she gave birth to twins (1 boy, 1 girl) while in the coma. Her brother was contacted and asked to name the two infants.

"Oh no," the woman groans. "Why him? He's an idiot!"

"We'r...

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One day Dave and his twin brother

enlisting in the Army & were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both
of them possessed incredibly long, over sized penises. "How do you
account for this?" he asked them.
"It's hereditary, sir," Dave replied.
"I see,"...

Two Dogs (From the movie Silkwood)

A young brave visits the chief of the tribe with a question. "Wise one, is it true you name all the members of the tribe, and if so, how is it done?"

The venerable old man replies "Yes, for over 20 years I have named each person who is born to the tribe. I sit outside the lodge, and when I he...

If a woman has to choose...

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

-Dave Barry

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