Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.

So she locked me in the cellar.

Did you know that every middle-aged housewife is actually bilingual?

They speak English and to the manager.

Regular naps prevent old age,

especially if you take them while driving.

At what age did the child go to the doctor?

Sicks

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

"Age is just a number"

False. Age is a word.

Ageing has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, th...

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog...

He’s adopted

Why do middle age men like golf

They're good at finishing in few strokes

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

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At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends

At age 17, success means having a driver's licence

At age 25, success means having sex

At age 35, success means having money

At age 45, success means having money

At age 55, success means having sex

At age 65, success ...

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

At my age now, people say facebook is a great way to connect with old friends

Well at my age if i wanted to connect with old friends i would need a Ouija board.

One day after school, Wendy was dared by one of her class,ages to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the top and gets her five dollars. Upon reaching home, she told her mom after school, feeling proud of what she did.

“Oh Wendy, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her ...

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age

So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

My Mother Gave Birth to Me at a Very Young Age

I would've preferred to have been born at 18 instead.

How do you kill someone in the medieval ages and get away with it?

Sneeze.

During an earthquake drill, a teacher mentions the age of the school and how the windows might move a bit.

A kid then says, “well that would be a weird flex but ok”

The first Time in went to prison was at a very young age. Learned the inner workings very quickly and even got some tips from the guards.

Man I miss schooltrips

Why are the Middle Ages also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages?

because there were too many *knights*

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

A holocaust surviver dies of old age and goes to heaven

He meets God and tells him a holocaust joke. God says to him “Thats not a funny joke.” The survivor responds “well I guess you had to be there”

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

Why did the call it the dark ages?

Because there were so many *Knights*

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

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Timmy and Johnny, ages 5 and 3, wake up one morning.

Timmy turns to Johnny and says "You know what Johnny, I think we're old enough to start swearing, lets try it out today".



They go downstairs and their mother says "It's time for breakfast, what would you like Timmy?". Timmy thinks about it for a second and says "Shit, I guess I'll ha...

A woman returns to her room in the old age home to find another old lady with her hands on her husband's pants.

She is furious: “What does she have that I don't?” “Parkinson”, answers the husband.

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

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Heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!!!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

I don’t understand people who tell me to act my age.

I already am my age.

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

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Guess my age....

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

Everything that went extinct before the ice age was a hipster

They were dying before it was cool.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

A middle-aged woman goes to the doctor

A middle-aged woman goes to the doctor and returns with a smile, and tells her husband, "The doctor said I have the heart of a 24 year old!"

The husband replied with a smirk, "Oh yeah? What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She said "Oh, your name never came up."

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

The drinking age being at 21 seems appropriate

Graduating with $120,000 in debt should be the first reason you need a drink

Genghis Khan was vicious from an early age.

I remember when he took his first steppe.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

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I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

All these people getting pregnant at an early age....

Just enchant the condom with unbreaking III and you'll be fine

I hate when people say age is just a number.

Age is clearly a word.

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A man gets asked “What is it to have sex at the age of 70?”

"It's like playing billiard with a rope", the man answers.

I recently asked an enthusiast for the middle-ages on his thoughts about people watching public executions in the era, since I thought it was a villainous act to watch public executions.

He then told me:
“It’s not evil, it’s just medieval.”

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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen...

...named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a p...

A Black guy, a Mexican guy, a White guy, and an Asian guy walk into a bar.

They sit down and have a drink because we live in a more tolerant age.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

Reddit Age

The only time I’ll ever post... my reddit age is 69 y’all.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

Famous British horse racing broadcaster John McCririck has died aged 79.

His funeral is at 10/1.

Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

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[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

A bartender who hanged dry aged steak made a bet with me.

He said to me “if you can jump up remove the hanged steaks, you can keep the whole thing. If you cannot jump high enough to take them, you pay for everyone’s drinks inside this bar.”

I turned it down, because the steaks were too high.

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack...

...and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo...

Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change?

They charged him with crimes against humidity.

Adult site: You must be of legal age to view the contents of this site. What year were you born?

12 year old me playing it safe: 1645

Dad: at you’re age i had already killed 10 people in iraq.

Son: but dad, you were a car mechanic in iraq, you’ve never gone to a battle.
Dad: i never said i was a good mechanic.

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

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In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

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3 guya are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." ...

An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."

"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."

Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.

"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to th...

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.

" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie."

"What movie?" The father asks.

"Toy ...

If the oldest guy at a frat party buys the most beer, and the youngest guy at a frat party drinks the most beer, what does the middle aged guy at a frat party do?

Buys the most beer.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over the age of 40 told me my generation suckes

I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined

When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.

But the judge didn't see it that way.

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My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

There was an old priest....

....Who got tired of hearing almost everyone in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll Quit this position!"

Since everyone liked him, they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adulter...

A man buys a lie detector robot

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.

“Where were you during school hours?” He asks.

“At school!” His son replies.

The robot slaps the boy.

“Ok I was at my friends house....” His son says.

“What were you doing there?
<...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

I spent ages trying to figure out why my duvet was so lumpy last night.

Baffling.

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks

"Do I come here often?"
.
.
.
.
(New to me joke and I searched before I posted.)

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on one book since ages?

Church.

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

A middle aged couple on vacation

In the coldest months of winter a middle aged couple from the north of USA , had missed the summer so much they decided to go to Florida , and stay in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

The husband had a longer holiday so he decide he would go a day earlier to surprise hi...

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The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something

Age is just a number...

...said R. Kelly.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

People keep telling me I'm mature for my age

I don't really feel like I am, but I guess I must brie

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year,

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to...

"Ah, me back."

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

I had a blind girlfriend who was both rewarding and challenging

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right

You didn't see that coming, neither did she

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were...

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