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Minor Jokes

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

I got six minors on my driving test.

I accidentally reversed into a school playground.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

I hit a minor for the first time today

I think I will like playing the guitar

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

I despise it when a couple has a minor quarrel and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to "single.”

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to "orphan."

When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

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A generic slightly racist one! (use it with any minority).

A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says:

Turks have three problems

Immediately a Turk comes up and says:

-- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble?

-- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start qua...

His wife minored in psychology in school.

She was always trying to use her tiresome amateur psychology on him. When he wanted to fire their pool boy, she said, "Well, you're clearly threatened by his youth and attractiveness, and this gives you intimations of your own mortality which you are sublimating into a hostile and inappropriate resp...

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

My buddy is attracted to minors

He had the nerve to look at me like I’m the weird one. That’s the last time I pick him up from middle school.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

E Minor is Spooky.

It always gives me the E B G Bs.

How many cops does it take to push a minority down the stairs?

None, "He fell"

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

They say the people burning books are just a vocal minority

But I don't see the police harassing them?

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.



Doctor- I am.

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

Guitarist Arrested for Fingering Minor...

Considered to be a fret to himself and others

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How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

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What happens when a pianist fingers the wrong minor

The police cums

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

What is the worst kind of 'minor' injury?

Throwing a kid into a woodchipper.

Why does the tooth hate minorities?

Because it is bracist

Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

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Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

If I sell an E-Cigarette to a minor.

Is that considered statutory vape?

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

A cyclist throws in the towel halfway through the Tour de France. Seconds later a minor avalanche kills the three teammates he was riding next to.

Survival of Defeatist

A dyslexic minority

giNgers.

A man, who has done only minor sins dies..

A man, who has done only minor sins dies, therefore god decides that he is worthy of heaven but he must do several tasks to repent.

On the first day he had to wash such plates, he had never seen before.

On the second day he had to put the beds in which all the saints have laid before....

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A student is looking for a university minor...

He finds a professor of assumption...

He asks what it is all about.

The professor asks, "Do you have a dog?"

"Yes, I do"

"So I assume you have a yard for a dog?"

"Yes, in fact"

"I assume you have a house then?"

"Why yes I do!"

"Therefore I assu...

This may seem random, but C Minor...

On a related note, E flat.

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

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I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can’t the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can’t they use those in self defense?

Doctor: Calm down David ! It’s just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

I had a minor accident at work...

I won't go into details, but it affected my eyes.

The left one is okay, but the other one actually suffered enough trauma to where it popped out. It was "unsalvageable", doctors said.

When they broke the news, I couldn't help but get emotional.

I knew I'd never see right again.

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Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

Struck off after one minor indiscretion.

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a wast...

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

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I just can't stop pissing on minors.

It's my R. Kelly's Heel.

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

Celebrities keep dying over minor causes.

Petty deaths.

How many members of a particular ethnic minority does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Enough to reinforce my negative stereotype about them.

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

If China had $1 for every time they oppressed a racial minority...

They’d become an economic global power.




Wait...

What did the band director do to the kid who played in A minor?

He had him arrested.

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

Trump is supporting the minorities

The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming.

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

Bike

There was a man whose name was David, his pride and joy was his beautiful and powerful bike. He loved it more than anything in the world. One day, he was cruising on his bike when he had a minor heart attack, and he rolled off the road and into a tree. Luckily, he had just suffered some minor injuri...

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf

I told her …

If it’s a beautiful sunny day I’m gonna play golf

If it’s windy I’ll play golf

If it’s rainy I’ll play golf

If we’re in a minor car accident, I’ll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf…

She said she’s a hooker…

I said you’re probably ...

I got arrested buying E-Cigs for minors...

They charged me with statutory vape.

They say Trump isn't appealing to minorities...

...but according to the latest polls, he's winning 100% of the Naive American vote

B flat, E flat, and G flat walk into a bar. The bartender stopped them and said,

"We don't serve minors"

If Ursa Minor is made up of stars...

is it safe to call it a Solar Bear?

That's the 10th cavity search I've preformed on a minor just today!

Busy day for a dentist!

A priest walks into a bar.

Bartender says: sorry, we don’t serve minors.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

They tried to warn us, it's finally happening, minorities herding white people into camps.

Here in Oregon we call them "music festivals"

Can anyone teach me how to finger a minor?

I need to work on my guitar skills.

My math professor this term misses a lot of classes by faking minor injuries.

I’ll never take another class with Professor Fibbin Ouchie.

United States once again votes for a minority President!

Donald J Trump is believed to be the first orange President to be elected in the history of the United States.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend got two minors on his driving test and still passed

But when I ran over a child this morning everyone lost their shit

8 year old johnny wanted a tattoo of his girlfriend, but the tattoo artist told him he doesn't tattoo minors.

So johnny got one of a 21 year old girl instead.

How many minority, female Republican congresswomen does it take to change a light bulb?

First of all, they'd have to elect one.

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Stonewalls seem to be a continuous problem for minority groups.

Black people had to deal with Stonewall Jackson.
Gay people had to deal with the Stonewall riots.
Mexicans will have to deal with a Stonewall.

Super Smash Bros. is a good example of how NOT to do minority representation in video games

The only black character is incredibly two-dimensional

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

What is the only key a piano can play in after it was dropped down the mine shaft?

Minor B flat

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

Minorities may have the race card, and women may have the equality card...

But racists, have a Trump card.

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