Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.



Doctor- I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

My friends confused the way I speak with the money I pay for my minor crimes

But anyway, syntax is sin tax

Exams

A beautiful young woman, about to undergo a minor operation, is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second ...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

What do you call a dentist who’s just had a minor car accident?

Dent-ist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is getting her home remodeled.

On the final day, she meets the designer on her front porch. He says, "Bonjour madam, are you ready to see your new home?"

They enter the house, and into the living room. It's stunning, but she's distracted by the coffee table.

"Everything is perfect," she says, "except for the c...

Why does the tooth hate minorities?

Because it is bracist

What is the worst kind of 'minor' injury?

Throwing a kid into a woodchipper.

E Minor is Spooky.

It always gives me the E B G Bs.

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a pianist fingers the wrong minor

The police cums

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

Do you know the reason children seem invincible?

It's because they can only take minor damage.

What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months

In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

Doctor: Calm down David ! It’s just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

If China had $1 for every time they oppressed a racial minority...

They’d become an economic global power.




Wait...

A man, who has done only minor sins dies..

A man, who has done only minor sins dies, therefore god decides that he is worthy of heaven but he must do several tasks to repent.

On the first day he had to wash such plates, he had never seen before.

On the second day he had to put the beds in which all the saints have laid before....

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

If I sell an E-Cigarette to a minor.

Is that considered statutory vape?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

I went into a labyrinth once...

On the way in, this guy told me there was this half-man, half-bull creature in there who would show me around.

I said "Will it take long to get round?"

He said "It's a minor tour".

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

How many cops does it take to push a minority down the stairs?

None, "He fell"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

What did the band director do to the kid who played in A minor?

He had him arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student is looking for a university minor...

He finds a professor of assumption...

He asks what it is all about.

The professor asks, "Do you have a dog?"

"Yes, I do"

"So I assume you have a yard for a dog?"

"Yes, in fact"

"I assume you have a house then?"

"Why yes I do!"

"Therefore I assu...

A woman ran up to me in the park.

"My dog has gone missing!" she said, on the verge of tears. "Poor boy..."

"Oh...Light brown fur, long tail, grey eyes, and a minor case of conjunctivitis?" I asked.

"Yes!" she beamed.

I said, "No, haven't seen him."

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

Guitarist Arrested for Fingering Minor...

Considered to be a fret to himself and others

When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

Super Smash Bros. is a good example of how NOT to do minority representation in video games

The only black character is incredibly two-dimensional

I broke a G string fingering A minor...

Does anybody know a good guitar repair shop?

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop

The captain comes over the intercom.
"Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".
A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again...

They tried to warn us, it's finally happening, minorities herding white people into camps.

Here in Oregon we call them "music festivals"

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A generic slightly racist one! (use it with any minority).

A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says:

Turks have three problems

Immediately a Turk comes up and says:

-- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble?

-- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start qua...

A dyslexic minority

giNgers.

What sound is made when you drop a piano on a toddler?

A flat minor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

What do you call a music game rated for everyone?

E minor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can’t the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can’t they use those in self defense?

People in Colorado keep saying minorities don't belong, but if they learned a little Spanish

They would see their state means colored.

What is the holiest chord to play?

The G sus although most priests prefer A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't stop pissing on minors.

It's my R. Kelly's Heel.

I had a minor accident at work...

I won't go into details, but it affected my eyes.

The left one is okay, but the other one actually suffered enough trauma to where it popped out. It was "unsalvageable", doctors said.

When they broke the news, I couldn't help but get emotional.

I knew I'd never see right again.

This may seem random, but C Minor...

On a related note, E flat.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend got two minors on his driving test and still passed

But when I ran over a child this morning everyone lost their shit

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

My math professor this term misses a lot of classes by faking minor injuries.

I’ll never take another class with Professor Fibbin Ouchie.

How many members of a particular ethnic minority does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Enough to reinforce my negative stereotype about them.

That's the 10th cavity search I've preformed on a minor just today!

Busy day for a dentist!

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

How would you describe an annoyed mother giving birth?

She's having a minor issued.

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.

Police pulled McConnell over

when they heard he was a minority leader.

A 6-year-old walks into a bar...

The bartender tells says they don't serve minors as all they have are hard liquors. The child says he wants two whiskies then a malt. The bartender says that he needs to see ID. The child shows an ID from another country, claiming he is 95 years old. The bartender gives the child the ID back and ask...

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

I got arrested buying E-Cigs for minors...

They charged me with statutory vape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

I'm not the tallest guy, so when I left university and applied for the job I wanted, I put down that I was a dwarf on my resume, hoping that being some type of minority would help me...

I didn't get the job though.

The interviewer just said that I was selling myself short.

The news is talking about the prison sentences of nearly half a dozen turban-wearing men who committed some minor felonies

"One to Three for Five Sikhs"

Celebrities keep dying over minor causes.

Petty deaths.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.