UPJOKE
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Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

What do you say when there's a newborn in the infirmary with a rattler?

"ICU baby, shaking that thing"

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

I can't stand newborns

I guess it cause their legs are too weak.

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

Why did the Chinese couple take their newborn back to the hospital?

He was Caucasian, and they knew two Wongs don't make a white.



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DISCLAIMER: I do NOT condone racism in any way, form or fashion. It's just wordplay, folks. Apologies to anyone too sensitive for my humor.

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Son: Dad, why is my newborn sister named instagram?

Dad: Because your mom loves instagram and I found out that she spends enormous amounts of time on it. So, it was my way to get her off her addiction.

Son: Ok Dad, Thank you.

Dad: You're welcome.
Now go to your room, Pornhub.

I would make a joke about newborns

But the delivery would be too painful

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

A woman going into labour gets rushed to hospital…

Upon arrival she gets taken to the delivery suite where she’s introduced to the Dr who’ll be overseeing the birth…

After quite some time on the delivery table, and somewhat of a struggle, she finally gives birth.

The Dr on duty is the first to take the baby in his arms, and after a b...

How do ghosts feed their newborns?

With their bOoOoOobs

What did Harry say when the queen asked how black the newborn was?

Just a lilibet

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What do you get when you mix poop, a parrot, and a newborn puppy?

A shit-talking son of a bitch.

My mother had me at a very young age.

In fact, I was a newborn.

What did Mother Goose name her newborn son?

Ryan Gosling

Circumcision is a painful procedure to inflict on a newborn.

After I was circumcised I couldn't walk for a year.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

What did the wife name her newborn quintuplets?

Adolf, Rudolph, Get-off, Stay-off and F-off.

Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.

As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby..

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby but unfortunately he was born without ears.

When Jack's family is invited to the neighbors to see the child, Jack's father takes him aside and explains:

\- This child is their greatest joy and they wanted him for a long time! Do not say anyt...

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

They weren't kidding when they said kids were expensive..

I was finally able to pay off my car loan after I sold my newborn.

Newborn marriage

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday he then chuckled and said maybe they'll marry each other.

I'm like yeah cuz my son is going to marry someone twice his age

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

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Why don't Vegans breastfeed their newborns?

Because nobody will have sex with them.

My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby

...except I drop it a lot less

Inner ear issues in newborns can be caught early and treated in a variety of ways

It’s no longer a deaf sentence

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Why is it so common to circumsize newborns in America?

They're taught from the youngest age to leave a tip

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.

"How cute! What's your baby's name?"

"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

My friend named their newborn Interrobang

I mean ?!

What do you call a newborn baby?

Anything you want.

What do you call a female Chinese newborn?

A youth-in-Asia

^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history)

I said some terrible things about my coworkers newborn

She said he was a week old baby and I thought we were roasting him

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I saw a premature newborn playing with a stuffed donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

Newborn baby

A man and a woman got a baby. After a year the baby starts to say some words. One evening she yelled, grandpa! After 2 days the baby's grandpa dies. The funeral happens and the parents are sad and confused. He was a healthy man and had no illness. After a week the baby yells, grandma! After 2 days t...

Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

Our newborn couldn't stop crying while we were watching TV

That's OK, it was only a minor distraction.

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In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

I can't believe you still didn't hear about anti-vaxxer's newborn...

It got viral

My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...

Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.

Me: IV?

Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.

A mother was showing her newborn baby to the neighbor

Neighbor: She's so cute. What's her name?

Mother: Shes our little JKMN

Neighbor: Oh, that's a little hard to say isn't it?

Mother: It's okay, she also goes by Noelle

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

The world’s best female and male thieves got married. When their first child was born, they saw and surprised that the newborn baby was holding something. They finally managed to open the baby’s hand and shocked more

The midwife’s ring

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

As the nurse gave the newborn his first vaccine she said, “ You are lucky to live in a country where these are used,”

“Unlike Clark County, Washington”

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What do you get if you cross a dying person and a newborn baby?

A white collar and protection from prosecution for historic sex offenses.

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

Why was the Asian father disappointed with their newborn child?

He found out their blood type is A-.

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.

Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi

I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

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I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook.

I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.

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A PG-13 Dad Joke

A husband and wife are sitting at a hospital, gazing at their newborn first child, and the man says, "You know what this means, right?"

"What?"

The man smiles at her and says blissfully, "I'm a motherfucker."

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My newborn son...

was born with no eyelids. Luckily, the doctor was able to use the foreskin (after they circumcised him) to make eyelids for him. They say he's gonna be ok...he'll just be a little cockeyed.

Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery's brother's newborn daughter?

It's a little niche...

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

A father goes to see his newborn grandson at the hospital

When he holds his grandson for the first time, he looks at his son and says with tears in his eyes "I'm a grandpa!"

Tears come to his sons eyes as he replies "Hi Grandpa, Im dad."

What do you call a newborn´s death?

Spawn kill.

They say in order to help with bonding newborns take on characteristics of their fathers.

Sure enough, my son was born with large features, a furrowed brow, and complained about nerve damage from his knee surgery.

A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital

A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The docto...

What's a newborn baby' favorite restaurant?

Hooters

A young man asks the Chief how he picks the newborns names.

A young man approached the chief of his village with a question. He said "Wise cheif, you are in charge of naming every child in this village. How do you go about choosing the names for your people?" The Cheif heard the question and without saying a word walked over to a small window in the tent and...

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

How do you make a newborn float?

You take your foot off its head.

From the local News

A new father was driving his wife and new-born home from the hospital the other day. The wife had fallen asleep in the front seat, exhausted from the delivery, so the new dad figured he had better take advantage of this. He decided to celebrate with a quick trip to the drive-through beer store.
...

My computer notified me that my wife emailed me a picture of our newborn son since I was gone for a business trip

"You've got male!"

At a hospital

Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes

Father : and my smile

Aragorn : you have my sword

Legolas : and you have my bow

Gimli : and my axe

Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again

A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.

The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center...

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."

G...

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

A woman steps on to a public bus holding her newborn baby...

...when the bus driver looks at her child and exclaims,
"Oh my god! That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
Disgusted, the woman doesn't say anything and proceeds to the back of the bus. Seeing the upset look on her face, the man she is sitting next to asks what the problem is to which sh...

A woman has just given birth to her child.

The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

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A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

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Three men are standing before the gates of heaven

All three men were not really good or bad in life. So the angel at the gates offered for them to be reincarnated instead. But they could only go back as newborn animals. All three men accepted. Then they were told to run off the edge of a nearby cliff and say what they wanted to be reincarnated as a...

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

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A father just had his first son...

"I'm going to give him everything he desires" the father said as he saw his newborn son.

As soon as the son started speaking, "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father wanting to keep his promise bought him that.

The child grew and was a brilliant kid...

Why do African newborn babies cry?

They have a midlife crisis.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The b...

Two old men...

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel?

I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby.

I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother...

I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wis...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

New Father Issues

A husband rushes into the hospital after being told his wife is giving birth.
The doctor meets him in the waiting room and hands him his newborn son.

"Congratulations on the birth of your son sir, but, I'm afraid your wife didn't make it." the doctor sadly informs him.

"Well," the...

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A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.

A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"

The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man

The man says that the lady should not hav...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Indian man were in the hospital.

Their wives had just given birth and the three new fathers were waiting to see their newborn sons. A doctor came and ushered them into the newborn nursery. When they got there a worried-looking nurse said, "There's a problem. We forgot to put wristbands on the babies, and now we don't know which ...

When the construction of the chief's new house was completed, he hosted a feast to thank these who aided him during the construction.

During the feast, everyone congratulates him and said: " You're extremely competent to build houses like this one here."

His wife heard the compliment and spoke for her husband: " Well, the credit isn't all my husband's, the credit goes to these who contributed! "

After the feast, ever...

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