I would make a joke about newborns

But the delivery would be too painful

What do you do when your newborn is as slow as my internet?

Check with a new company.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

Inner ear issues in newborns can be caught early and treated in a variety of ways

It’s no longer a deaf sentence

A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. T...

What do you call a newborn sandwich?

A crossbread.

Circumcision is a painful procedure to inflict on a newborn.

After I was circumcised I couldn't walk for a year.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

Newborn marriage

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday he then chuckled and said maybe they'll marry each other.

I'm like yeah cuz my son is going to marry someone twice his age

Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) I’m sorry, your wife didn’t make it.

Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

What does the whale say to it’s newborn son?

Your whale cum

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.

"How cute! What's your baby's name?"

"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

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I saw a premature newborn playing with a stuffed donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Why is it so common to circumsize newborns in America?

They're taught from the youngest age to leave a tip

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

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Why don't Vegans breastfeed their newborns?

Because nobody will have sex with them.

I said some terrible things about my coworkers newborn

She said he was a week old baby and I thought we were roasting him

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

I can't believe you still didn't hear about anti-vaxxer's newborn...

It got viral

My friend named their newborn Interrobang

I mean ?!

Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

Our newborn couldn't stop crying while we were watching TV

That's OK, it was only a minor distraction.

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby

...except I drop it a lot less

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

What do you call a newborn baby?

Anything you want.

Why was the Asian father disappointed with their newborn child?

He found out their blood type is A-.

Two 80-year-olds were sitting on the bench in retirement castle.

To kill time, they started to chat. From their life stories to each grandchild, the topic finally lands on their health.

Man 1: "Bro, I'm 80 now and I feel soreness everywhere. I know you're 80 too, how'd you feel?"

Man 2: "I feel like a newborn."

Man 1: " A newborn?"

Man...

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

Where do all newborns want to eat ?

wawa

What do you call a female Chinese newborn?

A youth-in-Asia

^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history)

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

They say in order to help with bonding newborns take on characteristics of their fathers.

Sure enough, my son was born with large features, a furrowed brow, and complained about nerve damage from his knee surgery.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

Newborn baby

A man and a woman got a baby. After a year the baby starts to say some words. One evening she yelled, grandpa! After 2 days the baby's grandpa dies. The funeral happens and the parents are sad and confused. He was a healthy man and had no illness. After a week the baby yells, grandma! After 2 days t...

A mother was showing her newborn baby to the neighbor

Neighbor: She's so cute. What's her name?

Mother: Shes our little JKMN

Neighbor: Oh, that's a little hard to say isn't it?

Mother: It's okay, she also goes by Noelle

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...

Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.

Me: IV?

Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.

Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery's brother's newborn daughter?

It's a little niche...

What do you call a newborn´s death?

Spawn kill.

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I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook.

I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.

A young man asks the Chief how he picks the newborns names.

A young man approached the chief of his village with a question. He said "Wise cheif, you are in charge of naming every child in this village. How do you go about choosing the names for your people?" The Cheif heard the question and without saying a word walked over to a small window in the tent and...

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital

A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The docto...

Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi

I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.

What's a newborn baby' favorite restaurant?

Hooters

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

A father goes to see his newborn grandson at the hospital

When he holds his grandson for the first time, he looks at his son and says with tears in his eyes "I'm a grandpa!"

Tears come to his sons eyes as he replies "Hi Grandpa, Im dad."

What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?

You can't play football with the remote.

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My newborn son...

was born with no eyelids. Luckily, the doctor was able to use the foreskin (after they circumcised him) to make eyelids for him. They say he's gonna be ok...he'll just be a little cockeyed.

My computer notified me that my wife emailed me a picture of our newborn son since I was gone for a business trip

"You've got male!"

My friend Jay is going to name his newborn son "K"

When I asked him why, he said he wanted to name him after himself.

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

[OC] A Man's House is on Fire

A Man's house is on fire. He is standing on the front lawn when a firefighter arrives. The man tells the firefighter "My wife and baby are in there!"

The firefighter asks: "If I can't save both, which should I bring back?!"

Man quickly responds "My wife. We can always have more babies"...

Why do African newborn babies cry?

They have a midlife crisis.

When the construction of the chief's new house was completed, he hosted a feast to thank these who aided him during the construction.

During the feast, everyone congratulates him and said: " You're extremely competent to build houses like this one here."

His wife heard the compliment and spoke for her husband: " Well, the credit isn't all my husband's, the credit goes to these who contributed! "

After the feast, ever...

How do you make a newborn float?

You take your foot off its head.

I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

New Father Issues

A husband rushes into the hospital after being told his wife is giving birth.
The doctor meets him in the waiting room and hands him his newborn son.

"Congratulations on the birth of your son sir, but, I'm afraid your wife didn't make it." the doctor sadly informs him.

"Well," the...

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.

The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."

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A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few
minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his
arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"

To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Je...

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A father just had his first son...

"I'm going to give him everything he desires" the father said as he saw his newborn son.

As soon as the son started speaking, "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father wanting to keep his promise bought him that.

The child grew and was a brilliant kid...

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The King must witness every execution.

First up was the town’s Priest. Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long. Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.

The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half...

Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

A woman steps on to a public bus holding her newborn baby...

...when the bus driver looks at her child and exclaims,
"Oh my god! That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
Disgusted, the woman doesn't say anything and proceeds to the back of the bus. Seeing the upset look on her face, the man she is sitting next to asks what the problem is to which sh...

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The b...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

A nurse was walking through a maternity ward, checking on the new arrivals and their mothers..

She walked into the first room where a woman had hold of her precious newborn child with the face of an angel. She asked the mother what the name was, to which the mother replied,

"I called her Rose because when i was going into labour, a rose petal drifted in through the window and landed on...

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Indian man were in the hospital.

Their wives had just given birth and the three new fathers were waiting to see their newborn sons. A doctor came and ushered them into the newborn nursery. When they got there a worried-looking nurse said, "There's a problem. We forgot to put wristbands on the babies, and now we don't know which ...

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3 pregnant women are waiting i an ob/gyn office...

All three are knitting newborn baby clothes while thry wait.

The first one pulls out a pill bottle and takes one. "This is my calcium supplement", she says. "I want my baby to have strong bones."

The 2nd one does the same. "Iron for developing blood cells," she adds.

The 3rd o...

Misogynist Sailor

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. 

"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded. 

"No!" his weeping wife replied. 

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. <...

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wis...

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Not enough parachutes

Dan, Edward, and Johnny were friends who decided to go skydiving together. They signed up, took the class and were up in the air in a few short hours.

They reach the altitude from where they are supposed to jump when the instructor comes running out of the cockpit and says, “Uhhhh we have a p...

Little Johnny and His Baby Sister

Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.

Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.

"From Heaven," replied his mom.

"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"

SO LITTLE TIMMY IS PLAYING WITH HIS LEGOS…

…when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him “Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it’s very very important”. Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and say...

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

Cynthia Wong is giving birth at her local hospital...

...that her and her husband Vincent helped to build with their generous donations over the past few years. After a brief hello with his new mom, the newborn boy is taken off to the maternity ward.

After a while, the dad takes a stroll over to the ward to see his new son through the glass, but...

An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.

"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.

After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

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