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Newborn Jokes

I would make a joke about newborns

But the delivery would be too painful

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

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I saw a premature newborn playing with a stuffed donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

How do ghosts feed their newborns?

With their bOoOoOobs

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

Newborn marriage

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday he then chuckled and said maybe they'll marry each other.

I'm like yeah cuz my son is going to marry someone twice his age

A French couple named their newborn daughter “CCC”.

Pronounced: Tracey

Why did the Chinese couple take their newborn back to the hospital?

He was Caucasian, and they knew two Wongs don't make a white.



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DISCLAIMER: I do NOT condone racism in any way, form or fashion. It's just wordplay, folks. Apologies to anyone too sensitive for my humor.

I can't stand newborns

I guess it cause their legs are too weak.

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

What do you call a newborn of middle eastern descent?

An arababian

Unusable name

A man comes to the birth registration office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

 The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says th...

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Son: Dad, why is my newborn sister named instagram?

Dad: Because your mom loves instagram and I found out that she spends enormous amounts of time on it. So, it was my way to get her off her addiction.

Son: Ok Dad, Thank you.

Dad: You're welcome.
Now go to your room, Pornhub.

What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

What did the wife name her newborn quintuplets?

Adolf, Rudolph, Get-off, Stay-off and F-off.

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Why don't Vegans breastfeed their newborns?

Because nobody will have sex with them.

Newborn baby

A man and a woman got a baby. After a year the baby starts to say some words. One evening she yelled, grandpa! After 2 days the baby's grandpa dies. The funeral happens and the parents are sad and confused. He was a healthy man and had no illness. After a week the baby yells, grandma! After 2 days t...

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby..

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby but unfortunately he was born without ears.

When Jack's family is invited to the neighbors to see the child, Jack's father takes him aside and explains:

\- This child is their greatest joy and they wanted him for a long time! Do not say anyt...

What did the roman dad name his fat newborn?

Voluminous.

Circumcision is a painful procedure to inflict on a newborn.

After I was circumcised I couldn't walk for a year.

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

What do you call a female Chinese newborn?

A youth-in-Asia

^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history)

Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.

As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

What do you call a newborn baby?

Anything you want.

What did Harry say when the queen asked how black the newborn was?

Just a lilibet

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What do you get when you mix poop, a parrot, and a newborn puppy?

A shit-talking son of a bitch.

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

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Why is it so common to circumsize newborns in America?

They're taught from the youngest age to leave a tip

My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby

...except I drop it a lot less

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.

"How cute! What's your baby's name?"

"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

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My newborn son...

was born with no eyelids. Luckily, the doctor was able to use the foreskin (after they circumcised him) to make eyelids for him. They say he's gonna be ok...he'll just be a little cockeyed.

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

My friend named their newborn Interrobang

I mean ?!

I said some terrible things about my coworkers newborn

She said he was a week old baby and I thought we were roasting him

My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...

Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.

Me: IV?

Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.

Our newborn couldn't stop crying while we were watching TV

That's OK, it was only a minor distraction.

A charity worker goes to visit a very successful businessman in his town to find out why he has never donated to any charity in the community.

"Sir, you have been so very successful in this town, and this community has given you much. Why have you never given back to the community?"

The businessman says, "Listen, son, did you know that my wife's mother has been suffering for years in the hospital, and requires constant care and medi...

I wanted to name our newborn after my father

but my wife said Dad is a weird name for a baby.

A mother was showing her newborn baby to the neighbor

Neighbor: She's so cute. What's her name?

Mother: Shes our little JKMN

Neighbor: Oh, that's a little hard to say isn't it?

Mother: It's okay, she also goes by Noelle

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

What's a newborn baby' favorite restaurant?

Hooters

Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi

I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

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A young Native American asks a tribal elder

A young Native American asks a tribal elder: "How do our people come up with the names for newborn babies?"

"Well," the elder replies, "we take inspiration from nature to come up with names. For example, do you see the stream over there? If a baby were to be born right now, we might call him ...

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

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I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook.

I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.

Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery's brother's newborn daughter?

It's a little niche...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

Why do African newborn babies cry?

They have a midlife crisis.

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

How do you make a newborn float?

You take your foot off its head.

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

A father goes to see his newborn grandson at the hospital

When he holds his grandson for the first time, he looks at his son and says with tears in his eyes "I'm a grandpa!"

Tears come to his sons eyes as he replies "Hi Grandpa, Im dad."

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

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In honor of Mother's Day, why do doctors whack newborn babies on the butt?

To knock the weenies off the smart ones!

Here's looking at you Mom, from the only gurl of four.

A young man asks the Chief how he picks the newborns names.

A young man approached the chief of his village with a question. He said "Wise cheif, you are in charge of naming every child in this village. How do you go about choosing the names for your people?" The Cheif heard the question and without saying a word walked over to a small window in the tent and...

They say in order to help with bonding newborns take on characteristics of their fathers.

Sure enough, my son was born with large features, a furrowed brow, and complained about nerve damage from his knee surgery.

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.

The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."

As the nurse gave the newborn his first vaccine she said, “ You are lucky to live in a country where these are used,”

“Unlike Clark County, Washington”

A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital

A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The docto...

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

A girl runs up to her mother.

"Mummy, why am I named Feather?"
"Because when you were newborn a feather came falling from the sky and landed on your forehead."

Next day the little brother comes running.

"Mummy, why am I named Leaf?"
"Because when you were newborn a leaf came falling from the sky and lande...

Two babies were just born at the hospital.

One of the babies turns to the other and asks, "Are you a boy baby, or a girl baby?" The other baby just giggles and says. "I don't know!"

The other newborn is surprised, but admits, "Actually, I don't know if I'm a boy or a girl, either."

"I wonder how we can find out?" says the secon...

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

My mother had me at a very young age.

In fact, I was a newborn.

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother...

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

A woman steps on to a public bus holding her newborn baby...

...when the bus driver looks at her child and exclaims,
"Oh my god! That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
Disgusted, the woman doesn't say anything and proceeds to the back of the bus. Seeing the upset look on her face, the man she is sitting next to asks what the problem is to which sh...

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

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A PG-13 Dad Joke

A husband and wife are sitting at a hospital, gazing at their newborn first child, and the man says, "You know what this means, right?"

"What?"

The man smiles at her and says blissfully, "I'm a motherfucker."

At a hospital

Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes

Father : and my smile

Aragorn : you have my sword

Legolas : and you have my bow

Gimli : and my axe

Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

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A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

From the local News

A new father was driving his wife and new-born home from the hospital the other day. The wife had fallen asleep in the front seat, exhausted from the delivery, so the new dad figured he had better take advantage of this. He decided to celebrate with a quick trip to the drive-through beer store.
...

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

They weren't kidding when they said kids were expensive..

I was finally able to pay off my car loan after I sold my newborn.

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Indian man were in the hospital.

Their wives had just given birth and the three new fathers were waiting to see their newborn sons. A doctor came and ushered them into the newborn nursery. When they got there a worried-looking nurse said, "There's a problem. We forgot to put wristbands on the babies, and now we don't know which ...

Two old men...

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel?

I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby.

I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wis...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.

One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"

John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and...

Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The b...

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

A woman has just given birth to her child.

The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

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