The 71+ Best Kids Jokes

I was driving trough a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your kids live here."

So I left.

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

A woman goes on a business trip overseas, leaving her husband behind to look after the house and kids.

After a few days she calls up to see how everything is.

"Everything's fine" he says. "The kids are finally sleeping OK without you here, and my boss has given me an extra week off until you're back. Oh! I forgot to say, the cat's dead! She was hit by a car!"

"What!?" Says the wife. "A...

I got a vasectomy to stop having kids…

And the damn toddler was still at home when I got back!

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

Last Sunday, we had an internet service interruption during a few hours. The kids came out of their room.

We talked a lot. They seem nice.

Kids are like farts

You can only tolerate your own.

Listen kids! Never ever combine bleach and vinegar.

It is an oxidant waiting to happen.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

So, you wanna go to the park and skate?

How old were them kids in the Donner party?

They were all 8 n up

3 kids are late getting back into the classroom from recess.

Little Johnny comes in and the teacher says “why are you late?” He says “I was playing in the sandbox with Mikey and Charlie.”

The teacher says “well, I’ll let you out of detention if you can spell ‘sand.” Johnny spells it out loud “S-A-N-D.”

Mikey comes in next and the teacher says ...

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.

If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.

I'm going to start selling kids' snack packs: crackers, cheese, ham slices, and Mexican wrestling masks.

I'll call them Luchables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you think kids in cannibal tribes reminisce about their mother's cooking?

Her breasts were always so tender.

Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"

It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

If you think your kids are kind…

don’t forget that German kids are always kinder.

Wife and I agreed that we don't want kids.

We'll tell them when we bring them to bed tonight.

One day, a group of mischievous kids decided to play a prank on a shop owner who sold unique chess pieces.

One kid called the shop and asked if any chess pieces are available. The shop owner replied, "Yes, we have a variety of chess pieces in stock." The kid responded by telling the shop owner to shove the pieces up his bum. The shop owner got angry and hung up. A few minutes later, another kid with a di...

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I hear that kids from Chernobyl are really good at math.

After all, they can count to 15 on their fingers.

What are the pros and cons of making kids

Pros: Making

Cons: Kids

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

So, I decided to teach my kids about democracy, right?

I was like, 'Alright kids, we're gonna have a vote. We're gonna decide on what show to watch and what food to order.'

And they're excited, they're like, 'Ooh, democracy!'

And I'm like, 'Yeah, this is how it works.'

And then I picked the show and got the food I wanted because ...

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What do legos and boobs have in common?

They are both made for kids but daddies usually play with them.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

Kids are like fire trucks

I want to take mine to a fire station and leave them there

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one, and let the other one off.

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids...

We’ll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa?

They're making all the toys

Why can't you tell pirate jokes to kids?

Because they're all ARRRRR rated!

What do you call someone who had kids before they turned 20?

Poor

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

There was once a pig caretaker.

One man approached the caretaker and asked:

"What do you feed your pigs with?"

"I feed them food remains and trash."

"That's terrible. Your pigs could get sick."

So the caretaker decided to start giving them same food humans eat. The another man came up to him and asked s...

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A mother comes home from work to find her kids hiding behind the couch. She asks them what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Annie was in the house naked.

She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet, she discovers the...

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

Plato didn't have a wife or kids..

Clearly, all his relationships were platonic.

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

What would you call a parent who is always worried about their kids?

Parentoid

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage

After 20 years of marriage, the wife finds out that her husband has been using a strap on dildo to fuck her their entire marriage.

Angry about this, she confronts her husband. “What’s with the dildo?”

Calmly he replies, “What’s with the kids?”

My kids said they wanted a puppy for Christmas

I'd have opted for ham myself, but anything for the kids I guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do idiot drivers always have lots of kids?

Because they never know the right time to pull out.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

I dreamed I was invisible and I married an invisible woman

I'm not sure what we saw in each other
 
 
 
 
Our kids were nothing to look at either

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

remember kids

don't take anyone's advice

A Punjabi latifa (joke), translated.

The government, via the local mosque, announces that every married couple will receive 100, 000 rupees for every child they have, as a sort of relief check.

Johnny, a poor man with 7 kids, hears this joke.

He tells his wife, "O wife, we have 7 kids, and we will receive 700,000 rupees ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ‘ass’ and I’ll say ‘hell.’”

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast. “Aw, hell,” says the eight-y...

Dark humor is like kids with cancer

They never get old.

What do parents feeding their kids and terrorist have in common?

“Here comes the airplane!”

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

Kids

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.

"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a loo...

What do a couple that can't have kids say to their surrogate?

Thank you for your cervix

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

Oliver has been living the dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu. "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been...

I don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to strangers homes and ask for candy.

But I go driving around in my van offering kids candy, I get reported to the police!

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

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