I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid

Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad..

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Why do furries have so many kids?

Because they fuck like rabbits

My wife and I decided decided to not have kids anymore.

We've been fighting for days about who has to tell them.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so i asked my kids if they'd had seen it...

Apparently she left me two days before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsey have 5 kids?

Because he's always fucking raw!!!

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

American kids are kind

But German kids are kinder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"That's easy, I want to be an asshole!" yells Little Johnny.

The Teacher is shocked with Little Johnny's response and wants to send him to detention, but out of curiosity she let's him continue hoping for an explanation.

Little Johnny continues: -Well, when I'm out on the street with ...

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in School..?

..or am I just a dreadful Teacher ?

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

I think every daddy has had that greeting. After all, anybody can be a father, but it t...

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

I've seen a lot of you getting the funniest jokes from your kids, so I tried asking my lil sister to give me one too

She told me to look into the mirror

I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help.

He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife work remotely from our bedroom. My kids study remotely from their rooms. I work remotely from basement...

I just realized that I’m the only one who has to commute to work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

A woman and her husband are having trouble with kids

A woman and her husband, both from Mexico, decided to have a family, seeing as their homeland is dangerous, they move to the united states.

They try to have a baby for many years but to no avail.

The husband feels something is wrong and wishes for her to go to a doctor but they have p...

A little kid with a speech impediment goes trick or treating.

He walks up to the door and knocks. A woman answers the door and the kid says "bick or beat".

"What did you say", replies the woman.

The kids repeats, "bick or beat".

"Oh, you mean trick or treat", says the woman as the kid nods in response.

"What are you dressed as", as...

There is one common point between dark humor and make-a-wish kids...

It's that they will never get old

Shoot the Kids. Hang the Family. Frame them all!

That's perhaps a bad tagline for a photo studio

Why can't kids watch the orchestra?

To much sax and violins

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids are working on a group project when....

the teacher notices one of the kids isn’t doing anything, she calls him up and says,
##
“Hey! I noticed you were not really doing much, what’s going on?”
###
The kid replies
###
“Well, I can’t work with my team because..”
###
He is abruptly cut off as the teacher says,...

Three kids walk into a room

The first kid says to their mom ”mom why am I name daisy?”

The mom replies ”because when you were born a daisy landed on your head”

the second kid asks ”mom why am I named rose”

The mom replied ”because when you were born I found a rose landed on your head”

The third k...

Why don’t orphan kids play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

Why don't Chinese Kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Why do anyi-vaxxers wish that Eminem become a doctor and immunize their kids?

You would only get one shot.

My kids are well adjusted

Moving into the well was hard for them at first but now they are used to it.

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

Only 1700s kids remember this joke.

A woman walks out of the kitchen.

How do kids in Alabama draw a family tree?

With a circle

What’s got 7 kids and loves to f**k women?

Amy Comey Barrett

Having a trans parent is really difficult for kids.

It feels like they are never there.

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

Do you want to know what I realized about Quiet Kids that are also Science Nerds?

They only speak periodically.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

Why did the kids jump off the pier?

Peer Pressure

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s when kids feel entitled to something like...

“I want an ice cream!”

“I want a soda!”

And now he wants four more years, jeez where’s the limit.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Caution before taking kids to work.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Why can women only have so many kids at a time?

They run out of womb.

What’s the only place a man would drop his kids off at, but never pick them up from...

....a sperm bank.

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

How do people lose their kids in the mall......?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was sitting on his farm porch one evening and saw a kid walk by holding a roll of duct tape.

Man: “where you going with that duct tape?”

Kid: “Duck hunting”

Man: “you don’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

Kid ignores him and and hour later comes past with a few ducks.
The next day he’s walking by with chicken wire.

Man: “ where you going with that chicken wire?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do shitty memes and unvaccinated kids have in common.

They both die in new.

My kids were playing ‘The Floor Is Lava’ in the living room this morning.

I still don’t know how they got the lava in the house.

There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up.

Pun-ishment

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