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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD…

Does it count as a concentration camp?

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I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

I told my kids I wanted to be a trans-parent

They knew I was joking because they could see right through me

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My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Two kids from bangkok have a race, who wins?

Its a thai.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

There was a lawyer who had twelve kids.

He could not find a house to rent, as no landlords wanted to have twelve kids breaking their properties. As he believed that he must not lie, he told his wife to bring eleven kids to have a walk at a nearby cemetery. Then he took the other kid and went to meet a landlord. The landlord asked:

...

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Most people choose to raise their own kids...

but I'm proud to say my kids were adopted. And honestly I don't miss them.

I have no idea how those quiet kids in school are doing now

I haven’t heard from them at all

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

Kids are like herpes

You should only date other people that have them too

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

I educate my kids using r/jokes

It teaches them that you gain karma by recycling trash.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

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It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.

It always ended in a tie.

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

Why don’t Asian kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys

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Not so much a Joke but a Burn from my kids

Dad: I like to do things Old School because its better

Kids: Dad, you are so old, you are the Principal of the Old School

Dad: Ouch....

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

My teenage kids complained about how terrible I am as a father!

I'm surprised they remembered me, they were only 3 when I sold them!

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

As kids see it

My five year old nephew came home after a fight with his friend swearing never to talk to him again. “Forgive and forget.” I told him “that’s what I do when my friends hurt me. We met the boy a few days later and the two ignored each other. “What is the problem?” I asked

“well” he replied “...

Why didn't Ken and Barbie ever have kids?

Because Ken comes in a different box

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

French kids are kind..

But German kids are kinder

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

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A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

“You,” he says to the first mother, “you're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mum, “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny”.

He goes to the third mother, “Your ob...

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids?

Cemeteries.

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

What's the worst part of having twenty year old kids?

There are 20 of them.

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

Pigmy kids bragging

Most kids brag about how tall their fathers are, but pigmy kids brag about how small their fathers are.

One day three kids are playing when one says, "My dad's only 3'1"."

2nd kid says, "That's nothing. My dad's 2'11"."

The 3rd kid was quiet so they asked, How tall is your dad?...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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