Kids Jokes - 69 Hilarious Kids Jokes

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

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“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

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Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney!

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

A woman goes on a business trip overseas, leaving her husband behind to look after the house and kids.

After a few days she calls up to see how everything is.

"Everything's fine" he says. "The kids are finally sleeping OK without you here, and my boss has given me an extra week off until you're back. Oh! I forgot to say, the cat's dead! She was hit by a car!"

"What!?" Says the wife. "A...

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

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Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

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You're The Father of One of My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels...

Never let your kids stay with the grandparents for too long

Someone asked my 6 year old what's his age?
He said : With God's will, I will be 7 in November.

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

Naming the kids

A guy named Jay walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's your wife doing?" the bartender asks. "She's doing great. The doctor says the pregnancy is going well and we can expect two healthy twin girls," Jay replies. "I'd really like to name them after myself, but can't decide on the names." "How ab...

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

This is why you check for kids

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a ba...

What do kids play when they got nothing to do?

Bored-games

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

What's the difference between explaining to your kids how babies are made and explaining to your kids that you're getting a divorce?

One story starts with "Sometimes, when two people love each other *very much*..."

and the other story starts with "sometimes, when two people don't love each other very much..."

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

What do dead kids and jokes about dead kids have in common?

They never get old.

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