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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

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Two kids in a trench coat walk into a bar

Two kids in a trench coat walk into a bar trying to get served and the bartender doesnt notice and serves them a beer.

The bartender then makes his way to the other end of the bar where two regulars are having a heated debate. One regular says "my dick is so big my wife calls it 'knowledge' c...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

It's a terrible joke, but I thought it was funny when I came up with it when I was a kid, so go easy on me!0I told my kids this joke yesterday and they booed me for the worst dad joke of all time... Funny thing is that I was 7 or 8 when I came up with the joke...

There once was an inventor working in his garage. He had a brilliant idea to make stairs that automatically move you between floors. After a long evening of tinkering he got hungry and called out to his wife to make him a sandwich. When there was no response he said to himself "I guess I'll ask-her-...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

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A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

“You,” he says to the first mother, “you're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mum, “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny”.

He goes to the third mother, “Your ob...

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids?

Cemeteries.

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

Have you ever seen a picture of Stevie Wonder's kids?

Neither has he!

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

American kids are kind...

But German kids are kinder

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, “Why am I named Kitchen Table?” His mom says, “Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn’t get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.”

The second kid asks, “Why am I named Backseat?” Her mom says, “Well honey, when *you* were bo...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

People who vaccinate their kids are crazy!

Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

There were 30 students but only 28 chicken nuggets. How many kids didn’t get nuggets?

Ten. Why? Because only twenty ate chicken nuggets.

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With the arrest for child pornography yesterday, at least Josh Duggar will be remembered for 19 kids and counting...

For the tv show he made in the past, and coincidentally the number of videos found so far on his hard drive.

At the court: Please, have mercy! I have a wife and 3 kids!

I am sorry Mr. Brown, but you have served the sentence and paid your debt, you are free now.

A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"

TIFU by spraying some neighborhood kids who were biking in front of my yard with my hose

Turned out I pulled out my gun.

I tell old dad jokes to my kids.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhh

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd.

Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

My kids just read this on a popsicle stick. What do you feed a disapearing cat?

Evaporated milk

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

Never date a llama that has kids

You don’t need the baby llama drama

What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?

Half Life

I hate that parents keep asking me to watch After My Kids

I've looked it up a dozen times, and there is no such movie/show with that name.

I’m like a cat when it comes to kids

I don’t really enjoy the product

But I love playing with the box it came out of.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

I’ve decided I don’t want to get married or have kids

I thought my family would be supportive of my decision, but my wife and kids did not take it well

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves.

We were burning the Midnight Oil.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

The kids at the Easter egg hunt were wondering why I was pouring concrete into the eggs.

Then it hit them.

My wife asked if our kids were spoilt?

I said, "I think most them smelt that way."

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

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