Stopped by a roadside stand that said “lobster tails 2$”. I paid my 2$ and he said...

Unce upon a time there was a lobster...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do duckies have tails?

To hide their butt quacks

What has four legs, a tail and runs?

A cow in panty hose.

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What has four legs, a tale and smells?

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A cow with the runs

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What has four legs, a tail and walks?

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A cow batting 400

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What has four legs, a tail an...

Where does a dog go when he looses his tail?

A retail store

After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

Eight year old Timmy had wanted a pet for the longest time. One day, his mother brought home a pet mouse with a long, thin tail.

Timmy named him Thread. He wanted to bring him everywhere, but his mother warned him to be careful where he brought it, “because people don’t always like mice.”

One day, Timmy brought Thread to Jenny’s house. Jenny’s Dad, an exterminator for Mr. Click’s Tricks by trade, didn’t like mice much...

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

Why did the Ghost of the Pin-the-tail-on-the Donkey go to Bevmo?

Because they retail spirits.

(My 9-year-old came up with this, be kind)

Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tail?

It's your Yelp score

What has three eyes, two noses, and a tail?

Antivax baby.

If you lined up all the elephants in the world along the equator, tail to trunk...

Most of them would die.

What do 3 AM and a pigs tail having common?

They’re both twirly. (Too early)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

What has a head, a tail, but no legs?

A penny.

I saw a tail-less cat in the street today

It was looking for a retail store.

What do they call a cat that chases its tail?

A purrrrricane

Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?

Because there's a squirrel in the front.

What do you call it when a lizard can't grow its tail back?

A reptile disfunction...

Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old

I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It’s called the Corgi-olis Effect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a tie and a cow tail?

The cow tail covers up the whole asshole.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He picks it up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head

“What are you doing?!” shouts the barman.

“Just having a look around”

Last night I had a dream where I was a tail pipe on a car

I woke up exhausted.

What does a mermaid use to clean her tail?

Tide!

What would a cat say if you stepped on its tail?

Me-Ow!

There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back.

I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

how do you cheer up a dog that's lost its tail?

retail therapy

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cows tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our...

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

What's the difference between a crow and a raven?

All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is at school when his teacher sees a tail coming out of his school bag.

"What's that?" , asked the teacher , "You're not allowed to bring your pet in school."

"But, ma'am" , sobs little kid, "I heard the postman speaking to my mum this morning and he said when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fucking pussy."

What do you call a monkey without a tail

a monkev

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

Why do some animals eat with their tail?

Because they can't take it off when they eat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A whale of a tail...

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.

He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my fath...

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white fairy tail?

White begins, "Once upon a time..."

Black begins, "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

A Tail of Two Horses

Twin brothers each bought a racehorse. Racehorses often have strange names, and the brothers were trying to think of names that would be unique, yet related.

Though the twins were born only a few minutes apart, the first twin was born on January 1st, and the second twin on January 2nd. They ...

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine ...

What do you get if you tie two camels together by the tails?

A palindromedary.

What do you call a Russian snake that's eating its own tail?

An ouroboris

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

If you catch a Gecko by it's tail...

If you catch a Gecko by it's tail, it will detach itself from it and grow a new one.
A lot like Hillary's political policies.

If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale..

Would they..Hit it off?

Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back?

And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."

What is it called when a reptile loses its tail?

Ereptile Dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.

Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...

The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, do...

A Ukranian boy and his father went out for a walk.

"Dad?" The boy asks. "Is it true that there was an accident at Chernobyl in 1986?" "Yes, there was," the father replies, patting his head. "And is it true that there were no consequences?" The little boy asks. "Absolutely," the father replies, patting his son's second head. And they strolled off to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today i found out 2 things

1. The yellow Sonic(Tails) isn't Female

2. I've been watching gay pornos the whole time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Stone-Age of Enlightenment

The year; 66 Million B.C.

September 23rd. Just after lunch, central standard time.


Three Neanderthals- Ogg, Grunk, and Louie were hunting mammoths and discussing the new sport that was taking the caves by storm. Ogg was filling the other two in on the details of the game, as they d...

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

what did the depressed monkey say when his tail went through the lawnmower?

It won't be long now...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smallest Head in the World

A man walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. As he's waiting, he looks over and sees a guy with the smallest head that he's ever seen. He thinks about asking him what happened but stops when he realizes it would be rude. However, after a few more beers he's loose enough to ask, so he wal...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his young son were at a zoo.

They stopped at the elephant exhibit, and the boy asked his father, "Dad, what's that?"

The man responded, "That's an elephant, son."

"No, the thing hanging down from the elephant."

"Oh. That's the elephant's trunk."

"No, not the trunk. On the other side."

"Do yo...

I pull more tail..

..than a slow kid at a petting zoo.

The ghost of a dog with no tail walks into a bar after closing time..

Barman: Sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy took his children to the zoo.

When they got to the elephants, the children noticed something interesting.
'Daddy, what is that long thing on the big elephant?', asked the girl.
The dad tried to wriggle out:
'That is the elephant's tail'
'Not the tail, the other thing', said the girl.
'That is the elephant's trunk...

Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.


"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.


"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicag...

If a glow worm were to have its tail cut off …

… would it be de-lighted?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Cowboy are riding the range,one gets off his horse,lifts it's tail and kisses it right on the ass....

Cowboy 1: Hoe Lee Shit! Why did you do that!?

Cowboy 2: I have chap lips..

Cowboy 1: And that cures it?

Cowboy 2: No, it keeps me from licking them!

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

The FBI was following a furry.

They were on his tail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...