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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

How do mermaids clean their tails?

With Tide

At a religious education lesson, the teacher asks Johnny "What is red, has a tail and lives in a forest?"

Johnny replies "I'd say that it's a fox, but knowing those lessons, I think the answer is Jesus."

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Why do duckies have tails?

To hide their butt quacks

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Why should you not pull on tiger's tail?

Because it's a fucking tiger stupid!

(I know it not very funny but someone insisted I post it it's only joke I know and translated from Czechia)

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

Where does a dog go when he looses his tail?

A retail store

If you lined up all the elephants in the world along the equator, tail to trunk...

Most of them would die.

After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

Why did the Ghost of the Pin-the-tail-on-the Donkey go to Bevmo?

Because they retail spirits.

(My 9-year-old came up with this, be kind)

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

What has three eyes, two noses, and a tail?

Antivax baby.

Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tail?

It's your Yelp score

Eight year old Timmy had wanted a pet for the longest time. One day, his mother brought home a pet mouse with a long, thin tail.

Timmy named him Thread. He wanted to bring him everywhere, but his mother warned him to be careful where he brought it, “because people don’t always like mice.”

One day, Timmy brought Thread to Jenny’s house. Jenny’s Dad, an exterminator for Mr. Click’s Tricks by trade, didn’t like mice much...

What has a head, a tail, but no legs?

A penny.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I saw a tail-less cat in the street today

It was looking for a retail store.

What do you call it when a lizard can't grow its tail back?

A reptile disfunction...

What do they call a cat that chases its tail?

A purrrrricane

Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old

I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older.

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It’s called the Corgi-olis Effect.

What does a mermaid use to clean her tail?

Tide!

Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?

Because there's a squirrel in the front.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He picks it up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head

“What are you doing?!” shouts the barman.

“Just having a look around”

Last night I had a dream where I was a tail pipe on a car

I woke up exhausted.

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What's the difference between a tie and a cow tail?

The cow tail covers up the whole asshole.

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back.

I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

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A cows tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our...

how do you cheer up a dog that's lost its tail?

retail therapy

What's the difference between a crow and a raven?

All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.

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A kid is at school when his teacher sees a tail coming out of his school bag.

"What's that?" , asked the teacher , "You're not allowed to bring your pet in school."

"But, ma'am" , sobs little kid, "I heard the postman speaking to my mum this morning and he said when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fucking pussy."

So I cut my dog's tail off...

Ya, the mother-in-law is coming over and I don't want anything to give her the impression that she's welcome.

[Long] A cops pulls over a man...

A cop pulls over a man for having a tail light out, and when he walks up to the car he sees a pig in the passenger seat. He asks the man, "what's with the pig?"

The man responds, "Oh, that's Bill. He's my friend."

The cop tells him "Look, you can't have a pig as a friend or a pet. You ...

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A whale of a tail...

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.

He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my fath...

What do you call a monkey without a tail

a monkev

Why do some animals eat with their tail?

Because they can't take it off when they eat.

2 A dog is is chasing his tail but can't catch it because it's very short.

A dog is is chasing his tail but can't catch it because it's very short. He tries and tries every day and gets closer and closer. Finally one day when he's really in top form and being cheered on by all his loved ones he catches it and then a hollow feeling fills him as he realizes this is just a sh...

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What do you call a Russian snake that's eating its own tail?

An ouroboris

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What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white fairy tail?

White begins, "Once upon a time..."

Black begins, "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"

Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.

Genje: Wejrd but okay.

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

What do you get if you tie two camels together by the tails?

A palindromedary.

A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...

The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, do...

If you catch a Gecko by it's tail...

If you catch a Gecko by it's tail, it will detach itself from it and grow a new one.
A lot like Hillary's political policies.

If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale..

Would they..Hit it off?

Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back?

And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."

What is it called when a reptile loses its tail?

Ereptile Dysfunction

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

Lobster Tail & Beer.

My three favourite things.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

what did the depressed monkey say when his tail went through the lawnmower?

It won't be long now...

My Dad is sending Tobey, my Labrador away for the next week

My dad just came up to me and said "Son, I am going to be sending Tobey away to the kennels tomorrow for a week." I asked Dad whilst rubbing Tobey's ears "Why!? Why send him away, Dad. He is a 9 and a half year old Labrador who needs his creature comforts; like his blanket, companionship from us and...

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Parking tickets

My father and I went shopping. When we got out of the shop, a policeman was writing a parking ticket. My father told, "Come on, cut some slack here, we just went out for a few minutes." Policeman didn't seem to care and continued his business.

So my father called him a dumbass. So now police...

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Smallest Head in the World

A man walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. As he's waiting, he looks over and sees a guy with the smallest head that he's ever seen. He thinks about asking him what happened but stops when he realizes it would be rude. However, after a few more beers he's loose enough to ask, so he wal...

The ghost of a dog with no tail walks into a bar after closing time..

Barman: Sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.

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