The 105+ Best Dismiss Jokes

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

Lesson

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust...

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

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Four monks were called by an abbot for a test of purity. They were asked to drop their robes and stand naked.

The abbot brought four small bells and asked the monks to tie them to their penis. Their task was to stand still and not make the bell ring. The task seemed easy until the abbot brought a super hot model into the room. None of the bells rang ,so the abbot asked the super model to do a strip dance. T...

An agricultural inspector goes to a farm to carry out field tests and inspections.

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s...

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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

I spilled the bag of coffee at work.

My boss said it was Grounds for dismissal.

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People always dismiss the porn industry...

Work is fucking hard.

I was unfairly dismissed today from my job as a fireworks coordinator

It was bang out of order.

Don't dismiss homeopathy.

It has been proven to reduce swelling of the wallet.

One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".

Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "

Why did the judge dismiss the case of the pizza being delivered without the crust?

Because it was a baseless accusation

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how to dismiss awkward boners

"Don't worry about him...he's a real dick"

Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant...

"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?"

"Yale," replied the young accountant.

"Such a grand university - what is your name?"

"Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.

How do you dismiss a bird that's making fun of you at a bar?

Tequila mocking bird.

People say I can be quite dismissive

But what the hell do they know?

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

I got dismissed from my job as a pilot.

They told me I had an altitude problem.

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

The case of the Garden Murderer was dismissed

Apparently all the evidence was planted

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

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An Outbreak Causes an Early Dismissal at the School

Little Edgar is brought back to class from ISS. As he enters the room, Edgar hears his teacher instruct the students.

Teacher: The same water is in your homes, so to prevent yourselves from being infected with E. Coli, don't drink or brush your teeth with any water that has not been boiled.<...

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

The Price of Dismissal

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

Two Russian guys met on the street

They greeted each other and chatted about their family, then the subject moved on to work.
One of them asked the other, "where do you work now?"
The other answered, "I work in the administrative office at Moscow."
"That must be nice, what is your duty exactly?"
"I dismiss incorrect cri...

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

Putin and the Journalist

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.

"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise ...

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Stalin sits inside of his office in the Kremlin.

He is attending a meeting of extreme importance with Marshall Zhukov. Outside of the office, sits Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev.

Soon enough, Marshall Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office, mumbling "Murderous mustache...". Poskrebyshev's face bleaches, as he storms inside of the office scre...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

An engineer on trial.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said t...

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.

As part of his vow, he can come before the Abbot once every five years and say whatever he wants, but it can only be two words long.

Five years come and go and the man stands before the Abbot . They ask if he has anything to say and he responds "Bad Food." He is then dismissed and returns to ...

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.

"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes w...

A Chinese citizen and an American citizen are arguing which country is better

The American citizen states "My country is the greatest country in the world; as an American I can go to Washington D.C., go to the White House, walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like how you are running this country!'"

The Chinese citizen la...

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks someone to help because one of the patrons is dangerously too drunk.
The rabbi steps up and asks the man if he would like to pray, but he waves his hands dismissively and the rabbi gives up.
The psychologist enco...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

A duck goes in front of the judge. The judge asks the duck "what are you here for?"

Judge-what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupid! Case dismissed.

*Another duck goes in front of the judge.*

Judge- what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupi...

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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

An FBI chief is informed there is a traitor in his staff.

He decides to test 3 agents he suspects.

He sits down the first agent in his office and asks him:

Chief: "Are you a patriot?"

Agent: "Yes sir, I am."

Chief: "Do you love more, your country or your family?"

Agent: "My country sir!"

Chief: "Alright, take t...

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.

The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

[long] A kangaroo walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender, "gimme a beer." The bartender is stunned at the sight of a talking kangaroo and doesn't move. The kangaroo misinterprets this and says "I have money" while putting a $20 on the bar.

The bartender snaps to his senses and serves a beer. He takes the $20, then goes ...

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

A tradie driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.
“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”
...

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The fastest thing in the world

Four men go for a job interview.

The first one is called into the office, and the boss asks him a question: "What's the fastest thing in the world?"

The man thinks for a moment before answering, and finally says, "A thought!"

"Interesting answer," says the boss.

"Yeah, ...

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An atheist and a holy man are playing golf.

The atheist misses his first shot and curses.

“Damn!”

The holy man winces. “I really don’t think you should say things like that.”

“Oh, stop being such a square,” says the atheist.

They keep playing, and a little later, the atheist misses another shot.

“God damn...

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A female lieutenant walked into a shower room. She sees a sergeant and two men, and walks up to them...

Lieutenant: good God, put your privates away!
The sergeant is confused for a second, but then says: private Smith, private Jones, you are dismissed to dinner!
The female lieutenant watches ad the two men walk away, and then turns to the sergeant and says: alright, now that your privates are aw...

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

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A woman is sitting alone at a bar when a man approaches her and asks her "Do you wash your pannts with Windex?"

"Uh... no. Why?"

"Because I can see myself in them".

She rolls her eyes, dismisses him and goes back to her drink. A few minutes later another man approaches her. "Do you have a map?"

"Ugh, let me guess... you're getting lost in my eyes? Sorry, heard it before." Dejected, ...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

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A man is set to marry the love of his life

But during the planning process, he noticed that his soon to be mother-in-law, who was very attractive, seemed to be flirting with him. He quickly dismisses this idea and sums it up to the stress causing him to think too deeply about the situation.

At the rehearsal, she pulled him aside and ...

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.

It was grounds for dismissal.

Cheating at a College Exam

It was finals time in college and the exam for a professor was inside of a large dining hall. There were moderators who were grad students for the professor, and they walked around.
One moderator spotted a student looking at another's paper, and copying. So the moderator went to the professor an...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

Youtube saying "got it, we wont show you that anymore"

When you dismiss an ad for youtube TV

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Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

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Young Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem.

Jimmy's Dad goes to talk to his teacher before class one morning. "Ms. Thompson, my son Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem, he bets on everything, he'd even bet on what tomorrow's temperature would be." he says. Ms. Thompson replies "Yes I have noticed his gambling, and it disrputs the class and ...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

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Johnny was sitting in class...

...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"

"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.

She asks the next quot...

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That's nice...

Three recently married southern belles are sitting together catching up on all that had happened since their respective nuptials. It's not long before the three ladies begin showing off what their husbands had done to spoil them.

The first belle sticks her left hand out and lets the sun hit ...

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days

He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then shaved off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I w...

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[long] A man comes home from the bar everynight and...

shits his pants while sleeping. His wife says to him, "One of these nights you're going to come home and shit your guts out."
The husband dismisses her with a wave and falls to sleep.

The next night he comes home drunk as a skunk, and proceeds to pass out on the couch before he could head...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

Bank Loan

A young girl, named Patricia Wack, starts a new job as a loan officer at the bank.

A frog walks in an asks her for a loan, she looks at him for a moment amazed that a frog could talk but proceeds professionally.

He needs five hundrded dollars for a new business venture and is willing...

A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...

On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years. Do you consent?"

The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.

Af...

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So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

The rabbi's debate

Four rabbis are arguing about the purity of an old oven. Three think it need to be purified, but the last argues it is pure.

The contrary rabbi declares, "If I'm right, then this room will prove it!" Suddenly, a large crack appears on the wall opposite to the men.

"This old place is f...

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

Three vampires walk into a bar. Two of them order Bloody Mary's, and the other orders a cup of hot water. The bartender finds this odd, but didn't want to offend the vampire by asking, so he dismisses it. They do this for three days in a row, and each night its the same bartender on duty. On the thi...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

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