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Canoe Jokes

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.

Roe vs Wade

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

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A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

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American beer is like making love on a canoe

It's fucking close to water.

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What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe occasionally tips

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

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Canoe ride.

My grandmother was in a nursing home and caught the eye of an elderly gentleman in the home. The home was on a gentle river and he asked her if she would like to go on a canoe ride with him. She took him up on the offer of a date on the water. As they drifted away from the dock, he first looked u...

What do you call a transformer that turns into a canoe...

A rowbot.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

If you want to get in a canoe go ahead. If you want to enjoy the lake without a canoe that's fine too.

I just don't get why row vs wade is so controversial. Can't we all just enjoy the lake together?

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Canoeing

Bob: You get a great deal of amusement out of your new canoe, I suppose?
Joe: Well, my wife does.
Bob: But she never rides in it!
Joe: No. She says it's safer and funnier to watch me from the shore.

Source: 1913 Newspaper

A woman slams her canoe into another guys canoe, who cut her up.

It was an obvious case of rowed rage.

TIL if you flip over a canoe, you can wear it.

It's "cap"-sized

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They say that Bud Light is like sex in a canoe

If you offer it to a girl in a bar, she’s likely to be disgusted.

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

What's the difference between canoeing and swimming?

Row vs wade

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The Canoe

Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

"It's only a few more blocks, you can hold it."

"No I can'...

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A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.

Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

Did you know you can turn a canoe over and use it as a hat?

Because it's Cap-sized.

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

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3 men are captured on an island of cannibals

One of the menasks “what do you plan on doing to us”

The cannibal Chief says “we have a tradition, we’re gonna kill you, eat you, then use your skin for our canoes. But myself and the elders have decided to give you some grace; you can do yourselves in, and you can choose how”

Man #1 s...

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A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...

The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want".
The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably kill...

What's the opposite of Kanye?

A canoe. (sorry)

Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple

Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He ...

A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.

To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.

At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im l...

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A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will ...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

I can’t think of any boat puns...

Canoe?

Did you hear about the huge sale they just had on canoes?

It was quite the oar deal.

A blonde is in a canoe in the middle of a grassy field.

As she tries to row toward the nearby road, another blonde driving on the road sees her and stops. She rolls down her window and yells,

"What are you doing?"
"Rowing to shore, I'm stuck in this sea of grass!" The blonde in the field replies.
"You idiot! It's blondes like you that give u...

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What do American beer and having sex in a canoe with some girl have in common?

If you have too much of either, your wife will eventually divorce you!

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A Blond Biking sees another Blond Paddling her canoe

They stop abruptly in confusion, watching this Blond paddling a canoe in the middle of a field of grass.

Quickly the confusion turns to anger as they continue to watch this Blond getting nowhere but continuing to paddle

They shout out loud to the other Blond "Hey! You know it's blonds...

Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.

The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

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[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of dea...

A great flood happened

A man was in his home when he saw on the news that a great flood was coming and everyone in the area must get to safety. He said to himself “oh, god will provide”

The waters stared coming and he sat in his living room with water up to his ankles. After a while the water rose too high and he h...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in the jungle.

Suddenly they're captured by cannibals, dragged off and tied to a tree. Shortly the Englishman is untied and brought before the chief of the cannibal tribe. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to m...

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Three explorers

Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though).


Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines.


"You are all trespassing on our lan...

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Paddling down the river...

A Marine was lost in the Amazon. He managed to find a river with a canoe on the banks. He jumped in and started paddling down the river to find a settlement and a way home. As he was paddling, God was in Heaven watching him. God said to an Angel "Watch that Marine row. He has been going for 3 d...

Three men are walking through a jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The men are informed by the chief that they will be eaten, and their skins used for canoes. They are allowed to choose how they die, however. The first man opts for one of the cannibals to break his neck. The second man chooses to down a vial of cyanide. The third man, however, takes a fork from his...

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An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison....

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Classic

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says "we're going to kill you, eat you and sow your skins to make a canoe. But you get to choose how to die."

The English man pulls out a revolver, yells "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself in the ...

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Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
Thi...

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A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

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3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are flying in a plane over the deep jungles of South America. The plane crashes in the jungle and the three men are captured by pygmy cannibals. The cannibal chief says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we're going to boil you, eat you, and...

Walking on Water

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants 
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up 
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesu...

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My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffe...

... and smiled and said "Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe". I asked "it's that good?" and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eyes and said "no, it's fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innu...

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A unique Newfie joke

*Note: I am a Newfie, and Scottish/Irish heritage as well, so this is my favorite joke to tell. It works better when some of the actions can be performed...*

A Scotsman, Irishman, and a Newfie are exploring a jungle on an island in the Pacific. They come across a tribe of cannibals and are ca...

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Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you...

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A man and his son are sitting at the table for breakfast...

A man and his son are sitting at the table for breakfast. The man takes a sip of his coffee and says "Ahh it's like sex in a canoe." The son asks, "Is it any good?" And the man replies, "No, it's fucking close to water."

My girlfriend told me this one and I had to share it

Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man a...

I needed some paddles for my canoe

So I found someone selling some on Craigslist. I went over, but his directions were all screwed up and there wasn't any cell coverage so it took me three hours to find the place. And then when I got there he tried to charge me four times what he'd posted on the site! So I argued with him for wha...

So two penguins are in the middle of a desert

and they're sitting in a canoe just paddling away, as hard as they can, not going anywhere, sand is flying everywhere, and they just keep paddling. eventually one penguin looks to the other and says "Where's your paddle" the other replies "Sure does."

Its usually a thinker for most, but i lov...

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An explorer gets captured by an indigenous tribe.

The tribe's chief confronts the Explorer and explains, "we must harvest your skin so that we can make a canoe. For this, you may select a method of death."

The explorer thinks for a moment and asks for a fork.

Confused but interested the chief gets a fork and hands it to the explorer...

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are adventuring in the jungles of the rainforest

Upon entering a clearing they are suddenly ambushed by a remote cannabalistic tribe. They are bound, gagged, and marched into the village.

They old tribe shaman emerges from his hut and approaches them slowly. He squares up to the brunette, cuts her bound wrists and says with broken English ...

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