Got pulled over for open container

I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"

He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

There's this guy with OCD who likes to collect containers.

Unfortunately for him, they're always ajar.

Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

This morning I wrote a note on my container of spaghetti that read "Marios noodles" and left my lunch in the fridge...

At lunch, I see Luigi eating my Spaghetti!

I say, "Hey, didn't you see the note?" Those noodles were mine! you owe me a dollar!"

Outraged, Luigi stood and pointed at the crumpled up note. "No a pasta fee!"

What do you call a Saltine container filled with ducks?

A box of quackers

Why can't containers of milk walk?

Because they lack toes.

Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container

It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

Gotdam cop just wrote me a ticket for an open container.

How's I'm supposed to drink it if it ain't open?

What do you call a painting of a heat insulating container on a dudes arm?

A Thermostat

What do you call an empty container of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife stuck her finger right in the container of icing so I started bitching...

She said the only people that are going to eat this icing are in this house. And everyone in this house either came out of me or came in me.

What's the difference between a container with sand and a container with babies in it?

I can't use a pitchfork to empty the container with sand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.

A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."

The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"

The man rep...

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

I noticed this morning that, due to the vibrations of the bus, the pieces of dessert that I was carrying were moving randomly within their container.

I believe this is an excellent example of brownie in motion.

What kind of container is appropriate for noble gases?

An innertube.

What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed?

NYC subway commuters.

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

So I had to put German food in a container one time...

It was a real wurst case scenario

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

There are 3 types of lies in this world...

Lies, white lies, and servings per container.

There was a quick trial where a man was beat to death using a handled container...

It was a brief case.

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we...

So I'm sat in my mums car at the moment, just me, her and one of my friends who we are giving a lift to...

For the joke she made to make sense, I'll just mention I'm male.

I was bored and digging around in the glove compartment a moment ago, and found a trigger spray suncream container. It's labelled on the front "50+ kids", so I asked her why she had a squirty thing with 50 plus kids in it?
...

I like my women like I like my coffee

Weak, cold, and in a sealed container.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

Digging a hole

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

South American recycling

A Guyanese man is having breakfast one morning: coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trinidadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Guyanese ignores the Trinidadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Trini: "You Guyanese folk eat the whole bread?"
Guyanese ...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.

They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.

So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
...

THE WINE TASTER

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, th...

Fat Free French Fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy.

He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
...

A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate a...

Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

A masked man goes to rob a sperm bank

He tells the girl at the front
"This is a robbery," the girl replies "sir we dont have much money, this is a sperm bank," the man says "I know, get two containers of sperm," the girl gets them and the man says "drink it,"
The girl all confused says "what?!"
The man says "do it or ill shoo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asked for 3 volunteers to each take home $1 and spend it in the most economicall way they could think of.

The three students chosen were Betty, Samuel and Adam.

The next morning the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class how they spent their $1.

Betty: "I went to the shop and bought a bag of lollies. I took them home and I had some, I gave some to my Brother, some to my Mother,...

Heard this gem from a coworker yesterday

A man and his wife are out grocery shopping when the husband stops in beer section and gets a 24-pack for $10.

The husband puts the 24-pack in the cart and his wife stops him and say "We can't get that, we have to stick to the budget!" so he puts it back on the shelf.

Later on the wife...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bar

A man walks into a bar and buys a drink.

He notices a large glass container filled with money and asks the bartender:

“What is that glass container for?”

The bartender replies:

“We have a game here in this bar that no one has ever beat. To play you must pay $50.”

T...

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

A man is walking through the grocery store, and puts a case of beer in his cart

His wife says: “you don’t need that. Put that back.”
The husband says: “Yes, dear,” and puts the case of beer back on the shelf.
Later, the wife picks up a container from the cosmetics aisle and puts it in the cart.
“What is this?” The husband asks.
“It’s face cream. I wear it so I can l...

Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.

She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.

The h...

I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.

After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.

It was shocking. All I could think was “how dare he!”

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the ba...

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a...

An American, a Korean, a Chinese, and a Russian walk into a bar...

...they settled into their seats and when they had loosened up after a few drinks they decided to extol the virtues of their homelands.

"American industry is so superb," said the American. "A sports team can decide to move to a different city, and within a year and a half we can build a stat...

A guy walks into a bar...

He says "ouch!" the bartender says "what happened" the guy says "I walked into your bar!"

The tender comes around and see's a piece of rebar sticking out of the wall. "Yikes, here come take a seat at the bar and ill pour you a drink"... He turns around to see the man sitting on the ground be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

A TV license fee collector knocks on a door

And demands a fee from the owner of the house who happened to open the door.

The owner responds by saying he has no TV in the house. The collector responds, "You have a TV antenna on your roof, so you have a TV".

The house owner then invites the collector into the house and leads him ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

Two nuns are driving down the road

Two Catholic nuns are driving down the road in a Protestant area. Suddenly, they run out of gas and are stuck on the shoulder. They spot a gas station about a mile ahead and begin to look around their car for something to use as a gas container, but can only find specimen jars with the word "urine" ...

How long will my soup be? I asked the waiter.

"Well liquid takes the shape of its container"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store.

They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple enters a fertility clinic

An elderly couple enters a fertility clinic and asks the lady at the front desk if it was possible to have a baby without having sex. The lady says, "yes," and handed them a container with a lid on it. The lady explained that they need to bring in a sample of the dad's seamen in order for it to work...

[LONG] The life of an old man.

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys ...

A robber walks into a sperm bank wearing a mask and carrying a gun...

... he walks up to the counter and points the gun at the lady and shouts "open up that safe!! Now!!".

The lady says "sir, we're a sperm bank, we don't have any money on the premises".

The robber screams at her "i don't care! Take everything out of the safe and put it on the counter"...

The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to...

A guy goes into a sperm bank...

Wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and says "go grab me some sperm from the back!"

The frightened receptionist runs to the back and brings back a few containers.

He points the gun at her and says "drink it!"

She says "drink it? ...

Kurg Industries' Story

Kurg Industries was a famed company well-known for producing the highest-quality containers, be it lunchboxes, cardboard packaging or shipping crates.

One Christmas season, they decided to create a new, exclusive and especially high-quality crate to sell off at an auction. Many came to see an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

French Bubble Gum !

An American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.

A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pathologists are in a morgue...

...one says to the other,

"Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06?"

"Yeah?" the other replies.

"Well, there's a prawn in between her legs."

"What?!"

"Yes, I swear!"

"Bullshit, show me."

The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm Afraid of Graveyards

It was a chilly February evening. I had just arrived home from a long day at work and threw open the door on my house. My Rottweiler jumped on me, and before I even took off my coat we were going on a walk. We passed the graveyard. A fresh grave had been dug immediately adjacent to the entrance, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ice Cream Shoppe

A guy goes into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream in a bowl, please." "I'm sorry, sir," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate." "Oh," says the man. "In that case I'll have some chocolate in a cone." So the man says,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Semen

In the year 2020 scientists are trying to come up with an alternative source of fuel. They find out that whale semen works well and is surprisingly cheap. The military here's about this and decides that they could use this for their vehicles, since fuel for tanks is expensive. So they order a few co...

Sugar

A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.

This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How Shit Happens.

In the beginning was the plan

And then came the assumptions

And the assumptions were without form

And the plan was completely without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of workers

And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it ...

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

A Scottish man walks store...

He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman...

Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.

Sister Marry happily...

Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in ...

How do you make holy water?

Fill a container and boil the hell out of it

I hate it when...

people refer to themselves as animal containers.

and yes I'm a hippo crate.

Dad told me this one several years ago

A school teacher walks into her classroom full of students carrying two glasses - one full of water and one full of whiskey. Then she reaches into her desk and pulls out a container from the bait shop, pulls two worms out of the container, and drops one in each glass. She takes attendance, then turn...

The worm sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of choc...

A sailor is being asked by a reporter

"Was there ever a situation in your voyages when you were afraid?"

"Yeah, once we were transporting a container of 500.000 dolls. A storm just started and the ship leaned hard on its side. At that moment all the dolls cried "MAMA"...That's when I shat myself with fear."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Story of Ivan Ivanavich (Warning: long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day Ivan decided it was time to ...

A Canadian, and American and an Arab....

A Canadian an American and an Arab are on a plane. everyone is minding their own business when all of a sudden the pilot comes on PA and announces that the plane is too heavy and each person needs to drop one item from the plane to regain balance.
The three look at each other, shrug and proceed ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.