Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

What is the official container for the state of Alabama?

Ramekin.

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

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Today, I saw a guy with two big containers of laxitive coming out of Costco.

And I though, I bet that guy is full of crap.

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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My local grocery store was robbed of almost $10,000

the thieves managed to get away with two containers of lysol wipes, four bottles of hand sanitizer and a package of chicken breasts.

What do Walrus’s and Tupperware containers have in common?

They both like tight seals

What do you call a container that's slightly open?

Ajar.

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

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An old man goes to the doctor’s office.

After complaining to him for a few minutes the doctor gives him a small container and tells him to come back tomorrow with a sample of his semen in it. On the next day the old man arrives in the office and says “I’m sorry doctor but i could not do it. First i tried with my right hand and then the le...

Got pulled over for open container

I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"

He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

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What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

What do you call a Saltine container filled with ducks?

A box of quackers

Did you hear about the wizard that can turn doors into containers?

Sometimes he got a bit obsessive, but he told others that he was trying to keep the door ajar.

There's this guy with OCD who likes to collect containers.

Unfortunately for him, they're always ajar.

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container

It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

What do you call a painting of a heat insulating container on a dudes arm?

A Thermostat

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

What do you call an empty container of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was.

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher...

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher who owed him money. He arrived at the school lab and found the teacher hiding behind a desk. The man reached for the nearest container, labeled CaCl2, threw it at the chemistry teacher, and yelled, "Where is my money?!"

The chemistry teacher held up...

A guy tries to rob a bank

A guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask and a gun and shouts "Everyone on the floor, now! Anyone who moves gets shot full of lead!"

He walks to the terrified receptionist and tells her to fill a bag with all the money they got.

"Buy sir," she says, "this is a sperm bank. We don't kee...

What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor

Dark humor is 10 kids in one container


Morbid humor is one kid in 10 containers

An elderly couple & a child

One day an elderly couple decided that wanted to have a child. The next week they went to the doctors and he told said, “You guys are older than most of my patients, although go ahead and take this sperm container and bring it back to me next week.” So the couple brought the container home, next wee...

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes care of his nails

Some keep them in a storage container, in a can, or just lying open in a drawer.

What's the difference between a container with sand and a container with babies in it?

I can't use a pitchfork to empty the container with sand.

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A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.

A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."

The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"

The man rep...

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

A married couple is shopping at Costco...

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?", the wife asks.
"It's on sale for twenty dollars," explains the husband.
"I don't care," says the wife, "we're on a budget. Put it back."
A couple of aisles later the wife puts a $50 containe...

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