The 84+ Best Bum Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

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"I showed my doctor my weird bum rash, but he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable."

"How unprofessional, what did he say?"

"He told me to go back to my table, so he and his wife could enjoy their dinner."

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

How does an Aussie clean his bum?

With a B' day mate!

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Big Chief , Dirty Bum

A Chieftain living in a Tribe makes his way to modern Society to get help from a Doctor as he has been constipated for weeks and hasn't even been able to fartt... Finally gets to the doctor.

Chieftain: "Big Chief , No fart"...

Doctor: "I understand take this very potent 1 inch pill and...

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Want to know why I put lip balm on my bum hole?

Keeps the chaps away

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

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NSFW - My girlfriend always demands a "joke for a smoke" when someone tries to bum a cig

When someone can't come up with something on the spot, she offers to teach them one of her favorites:

"What tastes better on pie than pussy?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Crust"

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

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The rash on Frank's bum

Frank: I showed my doctor a rash on my bum yesterday, and he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Bill: That's very unprofessional, what did he say?

Frank: He told me to make an appointment like everyone else, and said he was never going to shop in Walmart again.

What’s a Spanish dog say after you clean grass from their bum?

“Grassy ass”

A man was admitted to the ER with 6 small plastic horses up his bum...

...doctors described his condition as "stable".

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I was born with a rare condition ,, I only had one bum cheek . Anyway i recently had an operation to correct the problem. I can't thank the surgeons enough.

They made a complete arse of it.

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Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?

The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea”.

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Both my close friend are absolute bums, but it's great

because I'm an asshole.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

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Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

“Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your f...

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If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

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Jimmy the Bum

I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Tom. He asks, "You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He's gotta be the dumbest SOB I've ever met." We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. "Hey Jimmy," Tom greets the b...

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A man goes to the doctors with a sore bum

He states he doesn't know what's causing the pain.

So the doctor begins to examine his rear and asks specifically where the pain is.

The man replies "At the entrance, that's where it's sore!"

The doctor replies "Well for as long as your refer to that as an 'entrance' there's goi...

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

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People love it when I expose my bum in public...

...I can overhear them saying "what an arsehole".

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Beach Bum Theologian

A scraggly old man use to wander up and down this beach I lived at in Northern California. He'd always grin wide-eyed to whomever he passed proclaiming: "Get ready brother! God is coming!" or "Good morning sister, hope your soul knows God is nigh upon us!" To a potpourri of mixed receptions. Mostly ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

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How do you know a bum has a girlfriend?

Because he has 2 clean fingers.

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I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum

Arse miaou

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What did one bum cheek say to the other bum cheek?

Whenever we get together we have a crack up.

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Lack of sex has been making me feel incomplete. Then a girl let me touch her bum.

It’s the closest I’ve felt to hole in a long time.

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I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

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All Lawyers are Bums

A man walks into a bar, clearly agitated. He orders a shot and downs it almost instantly.

He orders three more before banging both fists on the table and declaring, “All lawyers are bums!”

He does this a few times; orders more alcohol, drinks it, and yells the same thing:

“Al...

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A bum finds a lamp on a beach

He was looking for cans but decided to rub the lamp. To his astonishment a genie came out.

"You may have two wishes." the genie said and while the bum was hoping for three, beggars can't be choosers.

"I want a bottle of vodka that's never empty." and the genie instantly summons him a ...

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

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The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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Our catholic priest used to stick anointing oil up his bum in December

He said he was Father Chrism-ass

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

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A bum walks into a bar

The bum has no money and asks the bartender for a beer on a tab. The bartender of course says no. As he is leaving, a man offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and getting along great. After a few drinks the man whispers to the bum, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you...

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What hand do you use to wipe your bum with?

Really? I use toilet paper.

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

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The Drunk and the Bum

There was a drunk and a bum. The drunk said, “you can jump off a building and pop back up to the top.”
Bum said, “no way. If you jump off a building you will die.” So the drunk took the bum to the tallest building in the city. Jumped off the building and popped back up to the top. Not a scratch o...

I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

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A guy goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck up his bum

The doctor says "I have some cream for that."

Why did the physicist stick a hoover up his bum?

He was trying to create a farticle accelerator.

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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

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I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door

When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go aro...

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A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum

The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there." the patient replies "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

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What do you call a dinosaur that's just been bummed?

Mega-sore-arse

We just had our family portrait painted and I'm a little bummed.

I had my eyes closed.

My friend was bummed today because his blind dog has cancer and he is going to have to put her down tomorrow.

I wanted to cheer him up, so I said “well, at least she won’t see it coming.”

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If you finger a bum...

you're a hobosexual

It was bummed that it raining during our honeymoon in the Bahamas

My wife said, “why so gloomy? It’s not like it’s a hurricane!”

“I know,” I said, “just a little tropical depression.”

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Fact: If you have itchy bum in the evening

You will have smelly fingers in the morning

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What does a chameleon bum and a cellphone have in common?

They can change the ringtone.

I asked my British friend what he looks for in a woman. He said he likes "big bums"

So I went out and got him the fattest hobo I could find

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

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Paddy says to his wife.....

"My bum hole is really burning, I have no idea what it is"

"Ring sting" His wife says.

Paddy replies "How the fuck will he know?"

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

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A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him.

A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him. He tries to hit on her but she doesn't respond positively. Later, the bus driver tells him to go to the graveyard that night and the nun will be there praying, and to pretend to be Jesus and she'll let the bum bone her. The bum goes to...

Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat??

No it's got a Crack in it.

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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Got hit in the bum by Thor

really need an Aesguard.....as told by my 11yr old nephew....

I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's

at least I don't have alzheimer's

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Bum walks into a bar...

Trailing right behind him, the tiniest man the bartender's ever seen.
The bum says, "If you buy me a whiskey, my friend will play you a song."
The bartender pours the bum a shot. The little guy runs over to the piano, leaps up onto the stool, and plays a flawless rendition of Chopin's Polonais...

Have you ever been caught bumming?

"No!"

Well you must have found a good hiding place then!

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There's a bum outside a bar...

...watching people come and go just passing time when a very handsome well dressed man walks towards the entrance.
However, he stops outside leans against the wall as if he is waiting for someone.
After a few minutes a beautiful woman walks out the man says, "tickle your ass with a feather?"...

It's always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum"

Except when you're having a prostate examination.

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Two bums are sharing a drink...

*A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three*

Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.

- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be...

I know how to solve the homeless problem and make bums into hard working citizens!

Give them construction worker helmets. They already have the standing around doing nothing part down!

Friend from Australia was bummed he didn't get a job working with marsupials

He didn't understand, he had all the necessary koalafications.

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What does a bum call a dumpster?

Bed and Breakfast.

Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

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An old bum stumbles into a bar...

An old bum stumbles into a bar and saddles up at the bar. He slaps the bar top and yells to the bartender “Keep! Get me a shot o’ 20 year-old scotch!”. The bartender is busy wiping down glasses and casually reaches underneath the bar, grabs the first bottle his hand gets to, pours a shot and sets...

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The Bum & the Gentleman

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” "You are not going to spend it on liquor, are you? The well-dressed gentleman replies. ”I don’t drink " says the bum.

”You are ...

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What do you call a guy who has sex with bums?

A hobosexual.

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