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How do you know a bum has a girlfriend?

Because he has 2 clean fingers.

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All Lawyers are Bums

A man walks into a bar, clearly agitated. He orders a shot and downs it almost instantly.

He orders three more before banging both fists on the table and declaring, “All lawyers are bums!”

He does this a few times; orders more alcohol, drinks it, and yells the same thing:

“Al...

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A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him.

A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him. He tries to hit on her but she doesn't respond positively. Later, the bus driver tells him to go to the graveyard that night and the nun will be there praying, and to pretend to be Jesus and she'll let the bum bone her. The bum goes to...

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

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I was talking to a Christian the other day...

He said gay sex is wrong in his eyes. I told him your supposed to put it in your bum.

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

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Bum in the park (kinda long)

A bum lived in a park on a bench. When he was walking around one day he found 5 dollars. He said to himself, hot damn I'm getting drunk tonight. Ran to the closest liquor store put the 5 on the table and told the man, give me your cheapest bottle of wine. He proceeded to drink it down, made his way ...

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What does a chameleon bum and a cellphone have in common?

They can change the ringtone.

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya mate?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well.....

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A man calls the Aussie helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline... what's the problem?"

"I'm in Darwin with me missus. She's been stung in the cunt, now her pussy has completely shut!"

"Bummer."

"Thanks, mate. Didn't think of that."

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My daughter asked me “Dad, where does poo come from?”

So I sat her down and said “See this cheeseburger? When I eat it, it goes down into my stomach. My body absorbs all the good stuff, and all the waste that’s left over travels down my large intestine and sits in my rectum until I sit on the toilet and push it out of my bum”

She goes quiet. Tea...

Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat??

No it's got a Crack in it.

A man walked into an ER with four plastic horses shoved up his bum...

They described his condition as stable.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

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Bum walks into a bar...

Trailing right behind him, the tiniest man the bartender's ever seen.
The bum says, "If you buy me a whiskey, my friend will play you a song."
The bartender pours the bum a shot. The little guy runs over to the piano, leaps up onto the stool, and plays a flawless rendition of Chopin's Polonais...

I know how to solve the homeless problem and make bums into hard working citizens!

Give them construction worker helmets. They already have the standing around doing nothing part down!

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What kind of sex do homeless people have?

Bum sex.

Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

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If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door

When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go aro...

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An old bum stumbles into a bar...

An old bum stumbles into a bar and saddles up at the bar. He slaps the bar top and yells to the bartender “Keep! Get me a shot o’ 20 year-old scotch!”. The bartender is busy wiping down glasses and casually reaches underneath the bar, grabs the first bottle his hand gets to, pours a shot and sets...

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

It's always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum"

Except when you're having a prostate examination.

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Did you hear about the New York woman on the J train who woke up to find a bum urinating on her today?

Although upset, she was glad she didn't take the #2 train

What do you call a monkey with dynamite up its bum?

A ba-boom.

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

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A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum

The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there." the patient replies "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

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The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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What do you call a guy who has sex with bums?

A hobosexual.

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Two bums are sharing a drink...

*A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three*

Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.

- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be...

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What does a bum call a dumpster.

A Bed and Breakfast.

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There's a bum outside a bar...

...watching people come and go just passing time when a very handsome well dressed man walks towards the entrance.
However, he stops outside leans against the wall as if he is waiting for someone.
After a few minutes a beautiful woman walks out the man says, "tickle your ass with a feather?"...

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Jimmy the Bum

I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Tom. He asks, "You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He's gotta be the dumbest SOB I've ever met." We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. "Hey Jimmy," Tom greets the b...

Please may I have a new bum?

Mines got a crack in it

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A woman stands at the edge of a cliff

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The distraught woman said "Are you stupid, no! And go away!"

The bum turned to leave and...

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Bum wine

A gay guy walking down the street, really down in the dumps over his sex life, overhears a bum in an alley say to another bum "whenever I get good and drunk, I can't remember a thing. I mean, it doesn't even take much and I am just out cold, dead to the world".
Upon hearing this, the gay guy get...

Every year a guy entered the state lottery hoping to win.

He never did!

Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around a fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall.

She was bending and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on both of her bums.

He bet on 77...

My three year old girl asked me

"Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over ...

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

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The Lonely Buy and the Bum (longer joke)

So a guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender hands him his drink, he leans in real coy, looks around and asks quietly "Hey man, do you guys have any hookers in the back?".

The Bartender very quickly replies, very firmly "No sir, we do NOT do that here." The guy is taken abac...

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What did the left bum check say to the right bum check?

He said "If we stick together, we can stop this shit."

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The Bum & the Gentleman

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” "You are not going to spend it on liquor, are you? The well-dressed gentleman replies. ”I don’t drink " says the bum.

”You are ...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of 15 year old scotch...

The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know 15 year old scotch from water". So he pours some cheap whiskey for the guy, who throws back the shot and spits it out all over the bar. "No, Damn it!", yells the man, "I want 15 year old scotch, not this house crap." The bartender wants to test him now an...

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What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on?

It twerked.

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Two bums

Two bums are walking down the rail road tracks.

Bum#1 turns to the other and says: "just last week I was walking down these same tracks, and I found a bottle of whiskey. I stayed drunk for a week, it was the best week ever!"

Bum#2 listening intently replies: "that's nothing man, I wa...

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The bum and his amazing taste buds

So this drunk bum walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him "get out of here you don't have any money and you stink". "come on say's the bum, just one and I will leave I swear". The bartender thinks about it and thinks well one won't hurt if it will get him out of here. He then g...

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...