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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

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A bum walks into a bar

The bum has no money and asks the bartender for a beer on a tab. The bartender of course says no. As he is leaving, a man offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and getting along great. After a few drinks the man whispers to the bum, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you...

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I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

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NSFW - My girlfriend always demands a "joke for a smoke" when someone tries to bum a cig

When someone can't come up with something on the spot, she offers to teach them one of her favorites:

"What tastes better on pie than pussy?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Crust"

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People love it when I expose my bum in public...

...I can overhear them saying "what an arsehole".

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

I had to go to the hospital last night as I had a Disney toy stuck up my bum..

The doctor took the Mickey out of me.

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

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The Drunk and the Bum

There was a drunk and a bum. The drunk said, “you can jump off a building and pop back up to the top.”
Bum said, “no way. If you jump off a building you will die.” So the drunk took the bum to the tallest building in the city. Jumped off the building and popped back up to the top. Not a scratch o...

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If you finger a bum...

you're a hobosexual

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A guy goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck up his bum

The doctor says "I have some cream for that."

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Fact: If you have itchy bum in the evening

You will have smelly fingers in the morning

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A sinner dies and goes to Hell...

He is greeted by the Devil who says "You've got an eternity of suffering ahead of you to pay for your sins; but I'm in a good mood today, so I'll let you choose your punishment. Come along."

They walk down a path between the pits. In the first pit, sinners are being slowly roasted on a giant ...

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

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What hand do you use to wipe your bum with?

Really? I use toilet paper.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

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I saw a bum today holding a sign that said "bet ya can't hit me with quarter." He was right..

but he couldn't dodge the 25 pennies.

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The teacher that fell.

A teacher is in her class. As she walks she slips and falls. 3 little boys can't contain themselves and laugh out loud.
Really angry she asks the first one. "What did you see?"
"Just calves ma'am"
"Go home for the day immediatly!"
Pointing at the second, "And you?"
"Just bum ma'am"...

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What do you call a dinosaur that's just been bummed?

Mega-sore-arse

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

We just had our family portrait painted and I'm a little bummed.

I had my eyes closed.

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Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?

The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea”.

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This old Ukrainian joke, not sure it translate well

My father's father's father's golf caddy tell me did old joke it go ..

How make yourself Vomit?

You taking one finger from each hand and place one up bum and de other down throat.

if dis don't work. swap fingers round

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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All Lawyers are Bums

A man walks into a bar, clearly agitated. He orders a shot and downs it almost instantly.

He orders three more before banging both fists on the table and declaring, “All lawyers are bums!”

He does this a few times; orders more alcohol, drinks it, and yells the same thing:

“Al...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

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If recently got a cut in my anus

It’s a real bum-deal, a total pain in the ass and definitely makes for a shitty situation.

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

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I saw a bum laying on the pavement....

... and I asked "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"
"Yes, please", he smiled.
"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."

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How do you know a bum has a girlfriend?

Because he has 2 clean fingers.

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A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him.

A bum is riding a bus and notices a pretty nun sitting near him. He tries to hit on her but she doesn't respond positively. Later, the bus driver tells him to go to the graveyard that night and the nun will be there praying, and to pretend to be Jesus and she'll let the bum bone her. The bum goes to...

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What does a chameleon bum and a cellphone have in common?

They can change the ringtone.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

My friend was bummed today because his blind dog has cancer and he is going to have to put her down tomorrow.

I wanted to cheer him up, so I said “well, at least she won’t see it coming.”

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Dear Deirdre.

My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep in...

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

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I Needed The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”


She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and mad...

A man walked into an ER with four plastic horses shoved up his bum...

They described his condition as stable.

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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door

When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go aro...

Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat??

No it's got a Crack in it.

Have you ever been caught bumming?

"No!"

Well you must have found a good hiding place then!

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

What do you call someone who’s happy on a Monday?

Retired

Bada bum!

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Why did the homeless man walk so slowly?

Because he had a bum leg!

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Jimmy the Bum

I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Tom. He asks, "You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He's gotta be the dumbest SOB I've ever met." We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. "Hey Jimmy," Tom greets the b...

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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

I know how to solve the homeless problem and make bums into hard working citizens!

Give them construction worker helmets. They already have the standing around doing nothing part down!

Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's

at least I don't have alzheimer's

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A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum

The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there." the patient replies "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

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Bum walks into a bar...

Trailing right behind him, the tiniest man the bartender's ever seen.
The bum says, "If you buy me a whiskey, my friend will play you a song."
The bartender pours the bum a shot. The little guy runs over to the piano, leaps up onto the stool, and plays a flawless rendition of Chopin's Polonais...

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English man, Scottish man, Irish man, chatting about what par of their body would they change if they could.

English man: Simple I would change my dick, it's quite small.

Scottish man: Simple I would change my belly, it's quite fat.

Irish man: Simple I would change my bum, it's got a crack in it.

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"in order to save the world from the giant eight-arsed monster, we have to send a big robot to lick one of its bum holes - in particular, the third one in from the left calf" "that's quite a...

...Specific Rim"

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

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The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

Friend from Australia was bummed he didn't get a job working with marsupials

He didn't understand, he had all the necessary koalafications.

If some poor people are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires...

Does that mean some rich people are temporarily flattered homeless bums?

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."

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An old bum stumbles into a bar...

An old bum stumbles into a bar and saddles up at the bar. He slaps the bar top and yells to the bartender “Keep! Get me a shot o’ 20 year-old scotch!”. The bartender is busy wiping down glasses and casually reaches underneath the bar, grabs the first bottle his hand gets to, pours a shot and sets...

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A guy desperately wants to meet the pope.

A guy desperately wants to meet the pope. He travels to the Vatican and stands in the plaza waiting for the pope to appear. The pope walks right past him. Disappointed, he thinks 'I have to stand out! I have to look good so the pope sees me!' He goes to the finest tailor in Italy and gets the works....

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Did you hear about the New York woman on the J train who woke up to find a bum urinating on her today?

Although upset, she was glad she didn't take the #2 train

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Two bums are sharing a drink...

*A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three*

Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.

- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be...

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After having anal sex with my wife she had a prolapse.

She was really bummed out.

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Leg Doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”

“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this ...

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A man in a Uber car sees a hot young nun passing down the street

The man tells his driver:

\-Look at that nun, I can't help to be sad that a girl like her made a chastity vote.

He answers:

\-Ah, I know her! There is an easy way to fuck her: You dress up like Jesus when it's very dark and ask her for sex, works every single time.

Late t...

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What does a bum call a dumpster?

Bed and Breakfast.

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There's a bum outside a bar...

...watching people come and go just passing time when a very handsome well dressed man walks towards the entrance.
However, he stops outside leans against the wall as if he is waiting for someone.
After a few minutes a beautiful woman walks out the man says, "tickle your ass with a feather?"...

It's always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum"

Except when you're having a prostate examination.

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The Bum & the Gentleman

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” "You are not going to spend it on liquor, are you? The well-dressed gentleman replies. ”I don’t drink " says the bum.

”You are ...

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

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Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

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What did the left bum check say to the right bum check?

He said "If we stick together, we can stop this shit."

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A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The ma...

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What do you call a guy who has sex with bums?

A hobosexual.

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