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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

What has a bottom at its top?

A leg

What do bottoms use to kill themselves

a-noose

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?

Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

Why does the new Italian navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old Italian navy.

Scientists have finally figured out what's at the bottom of the Mariana's Trench!

water.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

a man named his son Rock Bottom

he ends up in jail a few years later for domestic abuse. his wife visits him and asks him through tears: “What happened? Why are you here?” The husband says: “I’ve hit Rock Bottom”

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

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The winner of ‘best feline bottom in show’ was brutally killed last night. The award is thought to be the murder weapon.

It was a cat ass trophy.

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we...

What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole. I asked them what they were doing and one person said:

"We are putting comments under this post."

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?

A good start.

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One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

After spending my entire life down the bottom of bottle, I tried 6 months of not drinking. And it’s really made me realise what I’ve missed out on...

like 6 months of drinking

Today I hit the rock bottom.

Dwayne was like: “Dude stop slapping my ass”

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide.

They read the sign; “Go down the slide, shout out your dreams, and whatever you desire will be waiting for you at the bottom.” Sure enough, there is an inflatable paddling pool at the bottom of the slide.

The Irishman goes first, throws himself down the slide and shouts “Drink!” He lands in a...

One second I’m at the bottom of the worlds fastest escalator, the next, I’m at the top

Gee, that escalated quickly

What do you call a restaurant at the bottom of the sea?

A Scuba Diner

Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, “I’m so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.”

The second says “that’s nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!”

The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

Bottom of The Ninth

The Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After s...

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

What do you call a watering can with a hole at the bottom?

A watering cannot.

What do rock bottom and a rednecks wife have in common?

They usually get hit at the same time.

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.

The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."

The frightened passengers look at each other.

The pilot speaks again...

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Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"

She said, "Sucking each other's cocks.

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My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal?

It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a "balanced" breakfast.

How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling

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I got banned from the museum for life after smacking the ass of Michalangelo’s David

I think that’s when I really hit rock bottom

I was told to start at the bottom and make my way to the top.

This "How To Use A Ladder" DVD likes to state the obvious.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

What do you call a person who graduated bottom of his class at medical school?

A doctor.

I finished my coffee and noticed 6 letters written on the bottom of the mug.

I C U R M T

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Three maggots are left crawling around at the bottom of a garbage bin.

One day they all turn into flies, one male and two female, and start buzzing around the inside of the bin.

The female, realising there's no practical way out, turns to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the garbage bin?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe as...

I once knew a guy who went to school to become a surgeon, but he lost his bottom two fingers in an accident

Now he’s a gynecologist

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

What did Euler find at the bottom of his toilet?

A natural log

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Rock's Bottom

*Meets Dwayne Johnson*

*Panics*

*Spanks his butt*

"Looks like I've officially hit rock bottom"

*crickets chirping*

[Got it from twitter]

I bought my G/F a nightie with fur around the bottom....

It helps keep her neck warm.

What's it called when you water down your shampoo to get that last little bit out of the bottom?

Shampee.

At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks

This joke brought to you by my ten year old son

I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date"

I thought, "No, it isn't."

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My daughter came sprinting in to the house yesterday shouting 'daddy, daddy, I just saw two fairies at the bottom of the garden!'

Humouring her I asked 'That's amazing darling, what were they doing?'

She replied 'Sucking each other's cocks'

What do you call a computer on the bottom of the ocean?

A Dell, rolling in the deep.

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If SpongeBob is absorbent and lives in bikini bottom

then I'm pretty sure that makes him a tampon

Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...

once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"

Fun WWI fact: There are more crashed planes down at the bottom of the ocean than-

-crashed submarines in the sky.

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Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim.

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

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