Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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What’s pink and sits on the bottom of the ocean

Moby’s dick


My mom told this to me when I was maybe 10

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

How do you know if a mermaid will be top half fish or bottom half fish?......Flip a coin! Heads or tails?!

sorry if this joke was a bit fishy but I just go with the flow\~ xD

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

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What do you call a hundred neo-nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What does Bill Gates call the crumbs at the bottom of your bag of Doritos?

Microchips

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom’

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom.’

The doctors says ‘okay, let me have a look.’

After a brief examination the doctor says to the patient. ‘Well sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg’

What has a bottom on the top ?

Your legs.

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Is this how it feels like when you hit the bottom?

These penis enlargement pills work surprisingly well.

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

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there were two sheep herders at the bottom of a mountain watering their sheep

as they sat there tending the sheep they heard "YEEHAA YOO YEEHAA!" coming down from the mountain they looked up there to see a big cloud of dust coming down the mountain in front of it there is a cowboy riding a big mountain lion whipping it with two rattle snakes when he gets to the sheep herders ...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

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Two red necks go fishing

They row out to the middle of the lake and started to pull out fish after fish. One redneck says “We have to remember this spot! We should paint an X on the bottom of the boat so we know where it is”

“You idiot!” Says the other redneck “It’ll just wash off!”

You should never roll a pair of CD’s down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first.

It would be a disk race.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

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3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

Where was the declaration of independence signed?

On the bottom of the page.

The Jumper!

So there's a older rugged looking chap walking home from the pub along the side of the road, and up ahead he see's a young, attractive lady standing on the other side of the railing on a bridge moments away from throwing herself off.


With a bit of grog in his system, he thinks to himsel...

An old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. Yo...

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Wait, if you slap Dwayne Johnson’s Butt...

Do you Hit Rock Bottom?

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

3 guys stole a beer.

So three guys stole a beer and planned to split it 3 ways but they were very paranoid about being caught so they decided to wait the night out of town so as to not get caught. After leaving town you know they built a campsite and decided to take shifts watching their beer to make sure it’s safe... s...

I was one step away from hitting the rock bottom

His bodyguard caught me, Dwayne is a well protected man

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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, ‟What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

An couple of Swedish jokes

What does it say at the bottom of a Norwegian swimming pool?

- No smoking allowed.

Why do Norwegian motor bikers wear pyjamas hats instead of helmets?

- Because the helmet broke during the 300 metre free fall test.

Why did the Norwegian bring a car door to the desert?<...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

There is an Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman

while wandering through the british countryside they come across a tall structure with a slide at the top. all three head to the top and a mysterious man tells them "when you take this slide anything you shout will be at the bottom". the Englishman took the slide first and shouted "ALL THE MONEY IN ...

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

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Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

I just can't believe I passed out at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

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Early Christmas morning little Johnny got

Onto his brand new bike and was riding around when a policeman on horseback comes up to him.

"My my son, did Santa Claus bring you that shiny new bike for Christmas this year?"

"Yep, he sure did!" Little Johnny excitedly said.

The officer pulls out his ticket book and says,
"...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

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Did you hear the news? A town got hit by a Giant Robot Bottom

It was an Ass Droid

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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Why do you think your wife is trying to poison you?" The man answers, repeating his suspicion: "I'm telling you, my wife is trying to poison me! What should I do??"

The Rabbi thinks for a minute, and then says--give me a week to get to the bottom of t...

Untitled joke

A starving man stumbles into a tavern, practically drooling from the smell of stew wafting out of the building.
He staggers to the bar and is about to order some food when he realizes he forgot his wallet.
Looking around in hopes of seeing someone familiar he could ask for help, he sees an ang...

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

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A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain

A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain.
Towards the end of the tour the captain takes the new recruit to the very bottom of the ship and shows him a room with nothing but a barrel with a hole in it. The captain tells the new recruit that sex with this barrel will be the bes...

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

A man went to the doctor about pain in his backside

He said:

"Doctor please help me my bottom hurts"

The doctor replied,

"Well can you tell me exactly where it hurts"

The man said,

"Right around the entrance it's really sore"

To which the doctor said,

"My advice is that for as long as you call that the...

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

Which subatomic particles are into BDSM?

Top and bottom quarks

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

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A man met a woman at a bar and she invited him home

Once there, they head straight to her bedroom. The guy sees her shelves are covered with stuffed animals. It seems a little weird, but he thinks maybe she didn't get many of them when she was younger, and now she's making up for it. Regardless, they jump in bed together.

After sex, the guy...

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me?

Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma

You gotta work from top to bottom!

Certainly the order of operations is important in math, but it's even more important when blowing your nose while sitting on the toilet.

People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

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Amanda and Bob are walking through the village on a hot day, both very thirsty.

They both see their friend Carl walking to his house with a bucket full of water in his hands. Bob asks him "Carl, where'd you get all that water you're carrying?" to which Carl responds "Oh, I went down to the... uhh... the hole in the plaza that goes down into the earth and there's water at the bo...

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

What's the difference between NATO and the bottom of my fridge?

NATO has more than just Turkey and Greece

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

100% True Story - Funniest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Not long after my younger son was born I left the Army and, not having a new job to go to and my wife having a great job, I looked after the house and my two boys for some years.

When my older son started school, we would walk home together and discuss what he'd learned and talk about life. ...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

I often get a cramp in the bottom of my foot

It's my arch nemesis.

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

Leprechaun's Lucky Rainbow

Three men find a Leprechaun and he says, "I will snap my fingers and we will be at the top of my rainbow." With a quick snap the men are on the rainbow.

The Leprechaun then says, "As you slide down the rainbow, yell out what you want and it will appear at the bottom."

The first man sli...

So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.

The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Hashem help me, ...

When I was a kid, my brother told me about the treasure in the bottom of the well.

I fell for it.

What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

What do you call a bottom that uses bad words?

A crass ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Cause he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken!

(Rik Mayall should have credit for that one. One of his warm up jokes during the taping of 'Bottom'. RIP)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

A Yorkshire Joke

A bloke from Lancashire buys a budgie. All the bird does is struts around his cage all day shouting "I'm a Yorkshire Budgie and I'm hard as nails!". The bloke gets tired of this, and thinks "I'm gonna fix you!" so he puts a parrot in the cage with him and goes to bed.

Next morning he finds t...

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