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What do you call cocaine laid across a stripper’s backside?

Butt crack.

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Why do ducks have feathers on their backside?

To cover their butt quack.

Stranded unfortunately...

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3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

A man asks his friend what the difference is between a mailbox and a hippo's backside.

The friend immediately replies "I don't know."

"Well then I'd be happy to help you mail your letters."

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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Can you graft skin from your backside onto another part of your body?

Ass skin for a friend...

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A man walks into his doctor’s office with an extreme pain in his backside

Seeing his clearly in pain, the doctor asks him to bend over. After a few seconds the doctor exclaims, “You’ve got a piece of lettuce hanging out of your anus!”

Grimacing, the man said, “Doc- that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

What's the backside of the moon called?

The front.

Sherlock Holmes smeared lemons over Dr. Watson's backside

"Why are you doing that, Holmes?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson", Holmes replied.

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Three Worst Chinese Tortures

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most...

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Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day ...

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(NSFW)The pilgrim asked the Indian Chief:

"How about letting me have one of your women for a while"?
"That depends on how much money you have" the chief replied.
The pilgrim said" I don't have a nickel, all I have is a bag of corn."
The chief accepted the corn and led the pilgrim into a teepee, where a woman offered him her backsid...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

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A Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of beer.

“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.

“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”

“No, Grandpa.”

“Then you can’t have any beer.”
...

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

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A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and the moon?

You actually have to put in some effort to see the moon's backside.

Respect for the fallen

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

We are in DEEP trouble!

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving ...

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A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”

The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”

The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, excep...

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A man is on a plane and really needs to use the bathroom...

but all the men's bathrooms are busy. He tries his best to wait and hold it but finds it very difficult.

He approaches a stewardess and explains his situation and begs to use the women's bathroom. After some debate and ample hesitation, she agrees under the condition he does not touch any bu...

Full roasted chicken

Its a full crowd at the bar the place is abuzz. Santa Singh walks in sits down at a table and orders a full roast chicken.
Suddenly someone rushes in and yells “Rocky is coming!”
The customers all stop what they are doing, drop their glasses and drinks and begin to rush out, except Santa who ...

I think my horse is a blacksmith.

I slapped him on the backside and he made a bolt for the door.

A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk...

So she goes up to her mother and asks, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk?" Her mother says, "No, honey, the dog is in heat." The little girl asks, "What does that mean?" The mother tells her to go ask her father.
So then the little girl goes up to her dad and says, "Mom says I can't take the do...

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A Strange Date

A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his Dreams across a dance floor.

Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.

Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. ...

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A man is lying on a sun lounger drinking a beer while his wife struggles mowing the lawn with a push mower.

When their neighbour sticks his head over the fence and starts shouting at the man. "Look at you, sitting on your backside while your wife works her arse off! You should be bloody well hung!"

The man sets down his beer, looks his neighbour straight in the eye, and replies.

"I am. That'...

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

"We got plenty of those where I come from." NSFW

So... an American, Russian, and a Mexican are sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon just hanging out as they so often do. After a while the Mexican pulls out a huge joint and sparks it up. He proceeds to smoke only half of it and tosses the rest into the canyon. The Russian says "Hey man, why didn...

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A man walks into a bar full of gorgeous women

As he's waiting for his drink he keeps looking around the bar, not believing his luck. Every single girl here is a 10/10. He doesn't usually have much luck with the ladies, but surely the odds are in his favour tonight!

An average looking guy drinking a beer at the bar notices him staring at ...

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A doctor and his wife were sun

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and ...

Dog in heat

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad...

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Rick and Jerry went hunting

Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting...

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My first joke post. nsfw. also long read.

so a japanese man living in the u.s. hires a hooker.

right before they get into it, the hooker asks the man a question:
"are you Japanese or Chinese?"
Confused and bewildered the man says
"Why do you need to know that?"
the woman replies
"Well I heard that Chinese men are grea...

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American and japanese joke

An American, Japanese, and an Indian were sitting together.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at
him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the
skin of my arm."
A few minute...

Möbius strippers...

never show their backside.

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irish man are walking through the jungle...

Where they are captured by a group of hungry cannibals.
The cannibals set these men a task of shoving 10 whole pieces of fruit up their arse, and if they can achieve it, without making any noise they will be allowed on their way.
The men run off into the jungle to collect their fruit.

T...

Visiting married friends

Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.

”Sandy, I can’t help it,” says Hamish, ”but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.”

”For that kind of money,” says Sandy, ”I don’t think t...

There Once Lived A Family of Moles on a Hill.

On morning Papa Mole woke up and walked to the entrance of the burrow. He was greeted with the most beautiful morning he had ever seen. The sunrise shone brightly and scents of spring wafted through the air.

"This is amazing!" Papa exclaimed "Ma! Come and see this! The morning's beautiful an...

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It Hurts..!!!

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow.

"I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pa...

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