How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

I have been trying to understand why my candle has such bad insomnia...

...guess there is no rest for the wicked.

What's it called when one Candle eats another Candle ?

Candlebalism

How did communists light their homes before candles?

With electricity.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

But at least now we can see your face

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that can...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever

It makes no scents

Why were the candle's grades so poor?

He isn't very bright.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

If you can keep the candle lit, you win.

Don’t blow it.

Keanu Reeves is coming out with a candle line...

He's calling them John wicks.

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

Christmas Symbols

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It...

My mother-in-law just called

and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.
I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

What the difference between cake and pie?

Put a candle on a cake and it’s a party.

Put a candle on a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

Why are scented candles so expensive?

Because they take a wick to make one.

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake...

but you can still blow me.

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again,

well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Amish girls have no way of knowing

if it's a romantic candle light dinner or just a regular dinner.

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Did you hear about the candle that makes you need to poop?

It's called a waxative.

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Noisy Mating

A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" as...

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Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop has released a candle that is supposed to smell like an orgasm

I just bought one, it was a bit of an anti-climax if you ask me

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

When cheapskates get cold they all gather around the candle, but what do they do when they get real cold?

They light up the candle

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

Why do we put candles on top of a cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

An old man walks into a bar. He apologises to the barman, he has no money.

But, if he were allowed to entertain the clientele, maybe the barman could give him a drink on the house. The barman tells him go ahead.

The old man reaches into a bag beside him and takes out harmonica, then a tin box and finally a duck.

He places the box on the floor, the duck on t...

Patient got heartburn.

A patient goes to his doctor and says, “every time I eat cake I get heartburn”

The doctor responds, “next time remove the candles first”

Now upvote me for my cake day

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A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

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I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"

"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

This joke is like a broken candle

It doesn’t make scents

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".

2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5...

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My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

My mom hates using candles

She is anti-wax

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

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I get only one blow job per year

I get only one blow job per year, when I blow the candles on my birthday cake.

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

A candle fell deeply in love with Sir Lancelot

but he preferred darkness, so she went out for the knight

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

Two nuns are in a dark closet, the first nun says "Where's the candle?"

The second replies "Sure does".

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I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle....

but I must have lit it from the wrong end because this thing smells like shit.

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

What's a good way to tell if someone is an arsonist?

They don't blow out the candles on their birthday cake.

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park and crying his heart out

A passing cop stopped and asked, what happened?

Old man: I have a beautiful young wife. Every evening she cooks the most delicious meals and serves it in candle light and then we have a romantic night.

Cop: So, why are you crying?

Old man: Because, I have forgotten whe...

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

An obese person started lighting their house with tallow candles...

Somebody had told them that they needed to start burning fat.

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me he stuck a lit candle up his butt.

But he was just blowing smoke.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

When I was young we were really poor.

On my 6th birthday, my mother put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

Why do people with asthma never have their wishes granted to them?

Because they can't blow out the candles on their birthday cake.

What did one candle say to the other?

You goin' out tonight?

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

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I came home from work to find my wife had arranged a romantic night-in.

She stood there, dressed in a see-through polyester negligee, "You're in for a night of hot passionate sex," she said.
Dousing herself in perfume, she lit a host of scented candles.

I stayed for half an hour at the burns unit, but then thought, "Fuck it" and went home for a wank.

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

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