What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

Question: what did socialists use to light their houses before candles?

Answer: electricity.

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

Candles...

Why do candles love cake so much?


Simple, they just want to get lit!

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

People always wonder what got me interested in the candle business

I’d have to say it was mostly common scents

There's no such thing as a candle that has no smell.

It just wouldn't make any scents.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

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My dad told me he stuck a lit candle up his butt.

But he was just blowing smoke.

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack fell onto a candle stick...

And the doctor said "riiiiiiight"

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

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Police stopped me. I lit a candle.

"What is the candle for?" asked the policeman.
I said "You're gonna fuck me anyway. At least let it be romantic."

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

You know what they used for light in Communist Russia before candles?

Electricity

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

A young couple couldn't get pregnant.

A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the...

2 candles are having a conversation...

...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

The second candle replies, "Going out."

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

My apartment was starting to smell bad so I bought myself a candle.

It just makes scents.

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle...

...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.

A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

Why do witches like candles so much?

Because they're wicked!

What did the man say when he sat on a candle?

Fire in the hole!

I tried to light a candle...

but that idea went down in flames.

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza?

You can't figure it out? I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.

Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

Says the emo-candle ...

Says the emo-candle to the other emo-candle:
Wanna go out with me?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun goes to a clinic to get a blood test...

And the nurse gets her blood results mixed up with a prostitute's. When she goes in for the results a couple days later, she opens the envelop *that said she was pregnant. She then exclaims: "damn! You can't even trust candles now days!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

THE TAXMAN VISITS A RABBI

Its the end of the tax year, its time to do all the taxes. Dave the taxman walks into the Synagogue to discuss the tax returns.
"What do you do with all the excess candle wax that melts? You know, you must burn a lot of candles in here you being Jewish and all?" Dave asks.
"We collect it all ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Candles

A submarine captain was pretty annoyed by his crew members to inability to control themselves while in submarine. The entire submarine was dirty, smeared with crew splooge.

The captain comes with an idea. He asks the sailors to jack off in a barrel. Once the barrel is full, he makes candles o...

Two candles wanted to get high…

They lit up and got low instead.


Happy 4/20!

Jokes about Dad's new glasses

My Dad needs glasses for the first time. He's in his 50s and needs them for reading small print. Happens to most people with age. No biggie...
-
However, I have worn glasses from a young age and he mocked me mercilessly for being a specky four-eyes with neverending delight. So now I have my op...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

My friend was trying to tell me about his problems, but I was distracted by the smell of a burning candle...

I guess I'm just incensitive.

- For anyone interested, I've got an avant garde book of jokes that's now free on Amazon. Be warned, it's very out-there. Here's the link: http://amzn.com/B00ARXG4RI

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

A man walks into a bar with a chicken and a bucket.

The barman looks puzzled and query’s the man as to why he has these items. The man replies that it’s a rare dancing chicken and offers to show the barman in exchange for a free drink. The barman agrees and the man sets the bucket down and places the chicken on top.

The chicken, amazingly, st...

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

New rule at the convent

Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...