You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity

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I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"

"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

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So, Gwyneth Paltrow is making vagina scented candles now...

Presumably because since Chris Martin left, she misses the smell of a cunt around the house?

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

I bought a broken scented candle

When it was lit it just didn't make scents.

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

A candle fell deeply in love with Sir Lancelot

but he preferred darkness, so she went out for the knight

An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.

The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only ...

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

A rich man needs to choose a wife out of three women

He gives them each $10 and tell them to buy something that can fill the room.
The next day, the first girl said she brought bottles of water, the cheapest thing she can find but still cannot fill the room.
The second girl brought a perfume, and fill the room with scent.
The third girl brou...

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

Every time I eat cake I get heart burn...

I should probably take off the candles.

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How do you make a nun pregnant?

Jack off onto the candles.

My girlfriend said that if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it,

So I bought her a Candle

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

I tried to create a business that makes talking candles

It didn't make any dollars or scents.

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

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My dad told me he stuck a lit candle up his butt.

But he was just blowing smoke.

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

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On the way home from dinner, three friends died in a car crash.

When the arrived at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter said he would let them in if they had something related to Christmas on them.

The first one pulled out a cigarette lighter. “It looks like a little Christmas candle,” he said. St. Peter reluctantly let him pass.
The second friend pulled...

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

Try this...

Two photons walk into a bar...

One says to the bartender "Don't you know who I am?"

The other answers for the bartender, "No, he doesn't even know who he is..."

The bartender lights a candle... from both ends.

People say that massages can calm down pets, so I gave my dog a massage

He didn’t seem all that into it, not sure if it was the candles or the smooth jazz.

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How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who needs a lightbulb when you have eight candles?

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

You know you’re getting old when,

by the time you’ve lit the last candle on the birthday
cake, the first one has burned out.

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

What did one candle say to the other?

You goin' out tonight?

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

I really hate candle shops.

When you walk in a mall, you can smell those stores fifty yards away. When you walk in the shop, you just get bombarded with s hundred fragrances and a migraine comes in and pounds you in the skull. And by the way, who needs a hundred different kinds of scents?! Popcorn scented candles?! Just buy a ...

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

Why do witches like candles so much?

Because they're wicked!

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked ...

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

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Prostitutes don't like birthdays

Because every time they hear, "blow the candles", they get their tongues rather burnt

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle...

...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.

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