UPJOKE
chandeliertaperlampwaxflamecandlelightlanterncandlestickfirelightcdkeroseneincensebeeswaxpyre

What's it called when one Candle eats another Candle ?

Candlebalism

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that can...

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried one of Gwenyth Paltrow's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles.

Honestly, it just smells like Apple.

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

What did Texans used to light up their homes before they had candles?

Electricity.

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

Valentine's Day gift decision - candle making kit or cat o' 9 tails?

I decided I'd rather she helped dip my wick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Gwyneth Paltrow’s candle and a hooker’s pussy have in common?

When I put my dick in it, I feel the burn.

I have been trying to understand why my candle has such bad insomnia...

...guess there is no rest for the wicked.

Why do women like south american candles?

They're a brazilian wax

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

Why were the candle's grades so poor?

He isn't very bright.

If you can keep the candle lit, you win.

Don’t blow it.

I got fired from the candle factory

Told them I didn’t want to work wick ends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake

Until my doctor advised me to take the candles off first.

Happy cake day to me!

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever

It makes no scents

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

Keanu Reeves is coming out with a candle line...

He's calling them John wicks.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

But at least now we can see your face

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

My girlfriend told me that if I bought her one more stupid gift then she would burn it

So I bought her a candle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the candle that makes you need to poop?

It's called a waxative.

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake...

but you can still blow me.

One day in quarantine I was bored and lit some candles from our still standing christmas tree...

At 11 pm I finally reached the candle at the top of the tree.

It was the highlight of the evening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night!!

Two Women were chatting in the office.


Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?


Woman 2: Yes.


Woman 1: Was it good?


Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in fiv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

Everyone talks about how wonderful scented candles are...

But I know they're wicked.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

Why are scented candles so expensive?

Because they take a wick to make one.

Three Christian men from India died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The East Indian fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Sai...

A man and his wife are having trouble conceiving.

They asked a priest who was going to live in Rome to light a candle for them.

A number of years later the priest came back stateside and went to visit the family. The husband was not at home, but the woman was surrounded by children. The priest enquired about the husband, and the wife told hi...

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again,

well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

Why do we put candles on top of a cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop has released a candle that is supposed to smell like an orgasm

I just bought one, it was a bit of an anti-climax if you ask me

When cheapskates get cold they all gather around the candle, but what do they do when they get real cold?

They light up the candle

This joke is like a broken candle

It doesn’t make scents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"

"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

My physics teacher asked what I think it’d be like to walk in a town at night only illuminated by candles

I said it would be pretty lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife said my New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and sex

As a good husband I booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. I got dressed up, bought some sexy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so I could perform all night long.

Romantic dinner on a French restaurant, candle light dinner and was amazing. She w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

A candle fell deeply in love with Sir Lancelot

but he preferred darkness, so she went out for the knight

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die on Christmas and wake up in heaven

Upon waking up they meet st. Peter.
He says they need something with them that represents Christmas to enter heaven.

The first man finds a lighter in his pocket and says "this is a candle"

St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out his keys and starts shaking them "these...

This candle has a name

So my wife has a 3 wick candle. Two of them burned out hours ago. I just looked at the third (still lit) wick and said "That one must be John"

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle....

but I must have lit it from the wrong end because this thing smells like shit.

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it. So I bought her a candle.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

What the difference between cake and pie?

Put a candle on a cake and it’s a party.

Put a candle on a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me he stuck a lit candle up his butt.

But he was just blowing smoke.

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

What did one candle say to the other?

You goin' out tonight?

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.