You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

What did communists use before candles?

Electricity.

This joke is like a broken candle

It doesn’t make scents

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.

Great idea; terrible execution.

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

Why do you put candles on top of a birthday cake?

Because it's too hard to put them at the bottom.

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

I used to work in a candle factory...

...
Until i blew it

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

What did communists use before they used candle light?

Lightbulbs...

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

You know what they used for light in Communist Russia before candles?

Electricity

Ayyy cakedayyy

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

You know you’re getting old when,

by the time you’ve lit the last candle on the birthday
cake, the first one has burned out.

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

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My dad told me he stuck a lit candle up his butt.

But he was just blowing smoke.

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked ...

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

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Prostitutes don't like birthdays

Because every time they hear, "blow the candles", they get their tongues rather burnt

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

2 candles are having a conversation...

...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

The second candle replies, "Going out."

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so I’m half Jewish (oc)

Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

Why do witches like candles so much?

Because they're wicked!

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Had a weird dream last night.

I had died and met St.Peter at the Pearly Gates and he told me to go to room 101.There I will receive my punishment for all the sins I had committed in my life.I opened the door and to my amazement saw my good friend,Bob,making love to a fat,ugly woman.I shook my head and went back to see St. Peter....

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette. It is 3am. But there is no electricity in the house. She searches for her lighter in the darkness for some time but to no avail. At last, disheartened, she blows out her candle and goes to sleep.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle...

...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

I tried to light a candle...

but that idea went down in flames.

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

What did the man say when he sat on a candle?

Fire in the hole!

Putting candles on a cake

Is wishful thinking

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...

What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza?

You can't figure it out? I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.

Says the emo-candle ...

Says the emo-candle to the other emo-candle:
Wanna go out with me?

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