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Candle Jokes

How did communists light their homes before candles?

with light bulbs

Light a Candle

Mrs. Murphy was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Brennan.
The father said, "Aren't ye Mrs. Murphy, and didn't I marry ye and yer man two years ago?"
"Aye, that ye did, father," she replied.
Father Brennan asked, "and be there any wee little ones yet?"
"...

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

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My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

What's it called when one Candle eats another Candle ?

Candlebalism

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that can...

Cake Day Facts- why do we traditionally put candles on a cake?

Because it would be too hard to light them if they were under the cake.

A nan had every lamp light and candle robbed from his house

I guess you could say he was delighted.

There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory

The situation is now calm.

Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever

It makes no scents

If you can keep the candle lit, you win.

Don’t blow it.

What does a candle do when it gets fired?

It has a meltdown

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

Just Googled "how to light a candle"

Got 50 million matches

I searched on eBay for something to light my candles with...

It said, "No matches found"

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How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Who needs a light bulb when you have eight candles? Happy Chanukah, y'all.

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

Why were the candle's grades so poor?

He isn't very bright.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

I got fired from the candle factory

Told them I didn’t want to work wick ends

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

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I tried one of Gwenyth Paltrow's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles.

Honestly, it just smells like Apple.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question...

Why do women like south american candles?

They're a brazilian wax

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove ...

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what's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil and regular Olive Oil?

A candle lit dinner and bottle of champagne.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

Keanu Reeves is coming out with a candle line...

He's calling them John wicks.

A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

My mom hates using candles

She is anti-wax

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

But at least now we can see your face

Why are scented candles so expensive?

Because they take a wick to make one.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake...

but you can still blow me.

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

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Did you hear about the candle that makes you need to poop?

It's called a waxative.

A candle fell deeply in love with Sir Lancelot

but he preferred darkness, so she went out for the knight

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

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I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle....

but I must have lit it from the wrong end because this thing smells like shit.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

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A drunk man was at the checkout waiting to buy more beer when...

..a young women behind him began placing her items down. She had a bottle of wine, ice cream, scented candles, a magazine, and some tampons. She notices the drunk man watching her and decides to add condoms to her pile from off the rack. The man looks the at the items, then back at her and drunkenly...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

What do you call a candle with guns?

John Wick

Says the emo-candle ...

Says the emo-candle to the other emo-candle:
Wanna go out with me?

An old rich man and his three sons die and arrive at the Pearly Gate

St. Peter tells the old man: we’ve been expecting you, but not them. Your sons are not supposed to be here.

The old man replies: Well. It’s all my fault. When I was dying, I had a test for them. I gave each of them 10 dollars and told them to buy something that can fill the entire room. Whoev...

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

Two nuns are in a dark closet, the first nun says "Where's the candle?"

The second replies "Sure does".

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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Candles

A submarine captain was pretty annoyed by his crew members to inability to control themselves while in submarine. The entire submarine was dirty, smeared with crew splooge.

The captain comes with an idea. He asks the sailors to jack off in a barrel. Once the barrel is full, he makes candles o...

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

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My dad told me he stuck a lit candle up his butt.

But he was just blowing smoke.

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

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Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop has released a candle that is supposed to smell like an orgasm

I just bought one, it was a bit of an anti-climax if you ask me

2 candles are having a conversation...

...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

The second candle replies, "Going out."

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

Putting candles on a cake

Is wishful thinking

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

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