You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

Candles...

Why do candles love cake so much?


Simple, they just want to get lit!

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

I used to work in a candle factory...

...
Until i blew it

Why do you put candles on top of a birthday cake?

Because it's too hard to put them at the bottom.

There's no such thing as a candle that has no smell.

It just wouldn't make any scents.

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

People always wonder what got me interested in the candle business

I’d have to say it was mostly common scents

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

You know what they used for light in Communist Russia before candles?

Electricity

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity


Credit: that one robot in Fallout 4

A young couple couldn't get pregnant.

A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the...

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack fell onto a candle stick...

And the doctor said "riiiiiiight"

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

Why do witches like candles so much?

Because they're wicked!

My apartment was starting to smell bad so I bought myself a candle.

It just makes scents.

A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you like blowing candles on your birthday, what does that make you?

A gay candle.

So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

What did the man say when he sat on a candle?

Fire in the hole!

Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle...

...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

Putting candles on a cake

Is wishful thinking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun goes to a clinic to get a blood test...

And the nurse gets her blood results mixed up with a prostitute's. When she goes in for the results a couple days later, she opens the envelop *that said she was pregnant. She then exclaims: "damn! You can't even trust candles now days!"

What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza?

You can't figure it out? I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE TAXMAN VISITS A RABBI

Its the end of the tax year, its time to do all the taxes. Dave the taxman walks into the Synagogue to discuss the tax returns.
"What do you do with all the excess candle wax that melts? You know, you must burn a lot of candles in here you being Jewish and all?" Dave asks.
"We collect it all ...

Says the emo-candle ...

Says the emo-candle to the other emo-candle:
Wanna go out with me?

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

Jokes about Dad's new glasses

My Dad needs glasses for the first time. He's in his 50s and needs them for reading small print. Happens to most people with age. No biggie...
-
However, I have worn glasses from a young age and he mocked me mercilessly for being a specky four-eyes with neverending delight. So now I have my op...

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

My friend was trying to tell me about his problems, but I was distracted by the smell of a burning candle...

I guess I'm just incensitive.

- For anyone interested, I've got an avant garde book of jokes that's now free on Amazon. Be warned, it's very out-there. Here's the link: http://amzn.com/B00ARXG4RI

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a weird dream last night.

I had died and met St.Peter at the Pearly Gates and he told me to go to room 101.There I will receive my punishment for all the sins I had committed in my life.I opened the door and to my amazement saw my good friend,Bob,making love to a fat,ugly woman.I shook my head and went back to see St. Peter....

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette. It is 3am. But there is no electricity in the house. She searches for her lighter in the darkness for some time but to no avail. At last, disheartened, she blows out her candle and goes to sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

A woman went to a psychic

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will be murdered this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the mystic’s lined face, then at the s...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.