You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

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Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop has released a candle that is supposed to smell like an orgasm

I just bought one, it was a bit of an anti-climax if you ask me

The perfect gift for her? Let her come home to candles leading up to the bedroom, let her open the door to find you lying completely naked on a rose-petal covered bed, and let her hear those three magic words...

'welcome home grandma'

Keanu Reeves is coming out with a candle line...

He's calling them John wicks.

When cheapskates get cold they all gather around the candle, but what do they do when they get real cold?

They light up the candle

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

What did communists use before candles?

Electricity

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

If you can keep the candle lit, you win.

Don’t blow it.

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

Why do we put candles on top of a cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

My physics teacher asked what I think it’d be like to walk in a town at night only illuminated by candles

I said it would be pretty lit.

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Did you hear about the candle that makes you need to poop?

It's called a waxative.

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

I bought a broken scented candle

When it was lit it just didn't make scents.

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I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle....

but I must have lit it from the wrong end because this thing smells like shit.

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

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I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"

"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

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So, Gwyneth Paltrow is making vagina scented candles now...

Presumably because since Chris Martin left, she misses the smell of a cunt around the house?

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

[Long] A woman walks into a pet shop

When looking around she sees a terrarium with a sign reading "Naughty frogs". Asking the shop owner what is special about them he replies: "They will make your fantasies come true. Put him on the bed, light up some candles, kiss him and let the magic begin."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"No prob...

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

A kid asked his mom “Mom, what’s sperm?”

The mom then think for a while and respond :
“It’s baby when they are not born yet.”

The kid’s birthday came and when he was about to blow out the candle, he yelled :

“I wish mom had more sperm in her belly.”

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

A candle fell deeply in love with Sir Lancelot

but he preferred darkness, so she went out for the knight

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

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A monk goes to see his abbot with a bucket full of cum

'Father, I have a problem. I succumbed to the sin of masturbation and now find myself with a bucket full of cum and I don't know how to get rid of it.'

The abbot shames him for his sin but insures that he will help him. He takes the bucket and presses the monk to tell absolutely no one.
<...

I thought I was a funny guy until I met your parents..

I immediately realized I can't hold a candle to them, they made a joke years ago and everyone's still laughing..

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

Did you hear the joke about extinguishing candles?

It really isn't up to snuff.

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Three daughters were getting married on the same day

The girls' mother requests for her daughters to stay one last night with her.

Each couple will occupy adjacent rooms down the hallway from the master room, it was a big house.

The eldest will occupy the nearest room; the second eldest, the next room; finally, the youngest occupies the ...

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette. So they sent one of the four guys to buy matches, he returned without matches and said there were non left. The they sent another one to go and ask for matches from their neighbours, and he also returned empty handed and said that he didn't find any. So one ...

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

I tried to create a business that makes talking candles

It didn't make any dollars or scents.

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.

No one could hold a candle to him.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.

The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only ...

A nun was brought to the hospital in agony

Her sisters said they had found her writhing in pain on the floor clutching her crotch naked. She was supposedly getting dressed. The young nun was sedated and given morphine but refused to talk about what happened. Finally the mother superior was brought in and given privacy with the girl to ext...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

A rich man needs to choose a wife out of three women

He gives them each $10 and tell them to buy something that can fill the room.
The next day, the first girl said she brought bottles of water, the cheapest thing she can find but still cannot fill the room.
The second girl brought a perfume, and fill the room with scent.
The third girl brou...

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

What did one candle say to the other?

You goin' out tonight?

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

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How do you make a nun pregnant?

Jack off onto the candles.

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

2 candles are having a conversation...

...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

The second candle replies, "Going out."

Every time I eat cake I get heart burn...

I should probably take off the candles.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

My girlfriend said that if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it,

So I bought her a Candle

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

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