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A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

I was late to the cannibal party

So they gave me the cold shoulder

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Three guys are captured by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will be put to death and eaten, and their skins will be used to make canoes. But they can each choose their manner of death.

The first guy says he wants it to be quick and requests to be thrown off a cliff. So they tie him up and toss him off a cliff. The second g...

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

So these three clowns were eating a cannibal.

One of them said "I think we started this joke wrong."

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

2 Cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

Cannibal 1: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Cannibal 2: “No.”

Why didn't the cannibal eat children?

He was trying to save a little face.

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How do cannibals cook pornstars?

They boil the fuck out of them

two cannibals were eating a guy.

one says 'to be fair you start at the head I'll start at the feet." halfway through he says "how's it going?"
the other guy says "I'm having a ball."
first one says "you're eating too fast."

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What would a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He might wipe his butt.

Why did the cannibal cry

Because he dumped his girlfriend.


(Sorry if this is a repeat).

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A kinder surprise

A man is lost in an island. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by cannibals.

The cannibals are closing in and the man says, in absolute desperation, "Oh god, I am screwed". To his surprise, god replies -

"No, you are not. Do you see that large stone?"

"Yes."

"Pick it up and smash it on the head of the chief."

"Are you sure god?"

"Yes. Pick...

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

How many cannibals does it take to screw in one light bulb?

I have no clue but you really shouldn't be in the dark with cannibals.

How did the lion feel after becoming a cannibal?

Full of pride.

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

Did you hear about the cannibal with indigestion?

He ate someone who disagreed with him

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

A couple cannibals meet one day

A couple cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You known, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What...

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A plane crashes on an island with cannibals. Only a German, a Russian and an American survive.

The cannibals immediately capture them and bring them to their village. Their chieftain says: "We certainly want to kill and eat you, but our customs demand for a ritual that gives you a fair chance. For the first part of the ritual, you each go to the jungle and capture an animal."

The Germa...

Why can't cannibals have friends?

They aren't allowed to play with their food

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

I shouldn't have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown.

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down.

A man is on trial for cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

Why do cannibals hang out in libraries?

Because Readers Digest

What's a cannibals favorite earbud brand

Skullcandy

What is the current food trend with German hipster cannibals?

Vegan Hamburgers.

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

Two cannibals are sitting eating dinner one night..

one looks to the other and says
"I don't like the look of your mothers face."

The other replies

"Well just put it at the side of your plate and finish the rest of your dinner then!"

What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

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I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

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What does a therapist feed a cannibal?

Piece of mind

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism.

It's my Hannibal Lecture.

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

How can you help a starving cannibal?

Give him a helping hand.

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship?

Please bring me the passenger list.

What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains?

The others gave him a hand.

What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?

Five guys

What did the Mexican cannibal want to eat, after going on thrill rides at the county fair?

Carny Asada

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

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Why was the cannibal expelled?

He was buttering up his teacher.

Why are no cannibals racist?

It’s not like they can tell the difference in taste.

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

Whats the favorite vegetable of cannibals?

Kid knee beans

Why don't cannibals eat Kansas City Chiefs fans?

They're way too salty.

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

Why did the cannibal have a medieval peasant and JK Rowling over for dinner?

They wanted to eat serf and terf.

Cannibal

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor on the street????

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

What is a cannibal's favourite shake?

Handshake

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed her sister in the woods?

She had cake for dessert.

What did Russel Crowe say to the press when his son was convicted of cannibalism?

I was glad he ate her.

How did the cannibal feel after defeating his girlfriend in the Colosseum?

Well, he was gladiator.



*Defeeting

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

2 cannibals

Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch. The one asked the other:

"Hey, i heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"

"Yes, that's right."

"So how are things between you right now?"

"Well... right now..."

The cannibal stopped to take a si...

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls?

They developed a taste for adventure.

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

What do cannibals call it when they are roasting a blonde for dinner?

A Barbie Q.

Which shampoo do prefer cannibals?

Head and shoulders

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

How do cannibals decide who they're going eat?

By a soylent majority.

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?

Too many handshakes

I always had a hunch I should give up my cannibalism

But it was just my stomach talking

What's the difference between a fancy dinner party and cannibalism?

Swapping an "I" for and "O".

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other head.

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

What do you call a health conscious cannibal?

A humanitarian

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

What does a cannibal say when dishing up a meal?

Dinner is severed.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

Let me tell you the story of obi wan, the suspected cannibal.

Anakin was sitting at the dining table waiting for obi wan to finish chopping up the meat for dinner. Obi wan: You know Anakin, dinner is gonna cost you. Anakin: How much do I pay to eat? Obi wan: 2 legs and an arm!

When Cannibals Attack

When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?

You're not supposed to eat the rappers.

(I literally dreamt this joke)

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.

He was having a mid-wife crisis.

What is the cannibal King's favorite joke during diner ?

"There's a heir in my soup !"

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