Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One of them says. "Hey man doesn't this taste a bit funny".

The other cannibal says. "Nope".

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men Toes

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

What did the cannibal say at the orgy?

“You gonna eat that?”

Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

A Cannibal and an Arsonist open up a restaurant together.

They call it Hot Singles Near You.

2 cannibals were eating Shigeru Miyamoto

One said "Does this taste gamey to you?"

What did the missionaries give the cannibals?

Their first taste of Christianity.

What happens when you're late for dinner with cannibals?

You're given the cold shoulder.

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

Why did the cannibals go to the crematorium?

To get a cup of instant soup

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

I went to a cannibal restaurant last night...

Very expensive - $50 a head

What tastes funny and is considered a cannibal's version of sardines?

A full clown car.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

Two cannibal clowns are eating Jerry Seinfeld..

One asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Nah, it's just bland.. maybe a little dry."

What is a cannibal’s favorite candy?

Mentos

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What did the cannibal do after he dropped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.


(Not my joke but thought it was funny)

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Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

He was buttering up his teacher.

A politician was arrested at his office and found guilty of cannibalism

One of his colleagues had called the police on him after spotting him eating a ham sandwich

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A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:

\*Grilled Tourist $5.00

\*Broiled Missionary $10.00

\*Fried Explorer $15.00

\*Diced Marine $20.00

\*Baked Politician $1000.00

The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for p...

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What is the worst issue facing cannibal couples?

Oral sex.

Why did the cannibal start a war?

To solve world hunger

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Three guys are captured by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will be put to death and eaten, and their skins will be used to make canoes. But they can each choose their manner of death.

The first guy says he wants it to be quick and requests to be thrown off a cliff. So they tie him up and toss him off a cliff. The second g...

So these three clowns were eating a cannibal.

One of them said "I think we started this joke wrong."

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

Two cannibals were having dinner. . .

"Your wife makes a great soup", said one cannibal to the other. "Yes" agreed the first, "But I'm going to miss her badly."

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How do cannibals cook pornstars?

They boil the fuck out of them

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A kinder surprise

two cannibals were eating a guy.

one says 'to be fair you start at the head I'll start at the feet." halfway through he says "how's it going?"
the other guy says "I'm having a ball."
first one says "you're eating too fast."

Two cannibals are eating a clown

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other,

You know i didn't think Boris Johnson would taste that good.

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What would a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He might wipe his butt.

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

Did you hear about the cannibal with indigestion?

He ate someone who disagreed with him

How many cannibals does it take to screw in one light bulb?

I have no clue but you really shouldn't be in the dark with cannibals.

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

A man is on trial for cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

A man is lost in an island. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by cannibals.

The cannibals are closing in and the man says, in absolute desperation, "Oh god, I am screwed". To his surprise, god replies -

"No, you are not. Do you see that large stone?"

"Yes."

"Pick it up and smash it on the head of the chief."

"Are you sure god?"

"Yes. Pick...

Why did the cannibal cry

Because he dumped his girlfriend.


(Sorry if this is a repeat).

The last person on Earth is a cannibal.

He's so full of himself.

What’s a cannibal’s favorite smoothie?

A blended family

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

A couple cannibals meet one day

A couple cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You known, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What...

Why can't cannibals have friends?

They aren't allowed to play with their food

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

How did the lion feel after becoming a cannibal?

Full of pride.

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

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A plane crashes on an island with cannibals. Only a German, a Russian and an American survive.

The cannibals immediately capture them and bring them to their village. Their chieftain says: "We certainly want to kill and eat you, but our customs demand for a ritual that gives you a fair chance. For the first part of the ritual, you each go to the jungle and capture an animal."

The Germa...

Two cannibals are sitting eating dinner one night..

one looks to the other and says
"I don't like the look of your mothers face."

The other replies

"Well just put it at the side of your plate and finish the rest of your dinner then!"

I shouldn't have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown.

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down.

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

Why do cannibals hang out in libraries?

Because Readers Digest

What's a cannibals favorite earbud brand

Skullcandy

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

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What does a therapist feed a cannibal?

Piece of mind

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

How can you help a starving cannibal?

Give him a helping hand.

What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains?

The others gave him a hand.

What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?

Five guys

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism.

It's my Hannibal Lecture.

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

After a terrible shipwreck,,,

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!" To his surpr...

What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship?

Please bring me the passenger list.

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

Why did the cannibal have a medieval peasant and JK Rowling over for dinner?

They wanted to eat serf and terf.

Whats the favorite vegetable of cannibals?

Kid knee beans

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

Cannibal

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor on the street????

What is a cannibal's favourite shake?

Handshake

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed her sister in the woods?

She had cake for dessert.

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?

A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?

Too many handshakes

What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls?

They developed a taste for adventure.

How did the cannibal feel after defeating his girlfriend in the Colosseum?

Well, he was gladiator.



*Defeeting

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

What did Russel Crowe say to the press when his son was convicted of cannibalism?

I was glad he ate her.

What do cannibals call it when they are roasting a blonde for dinner?

A Barbie Q.

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

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