UPJOKE
coppermetalpewterbronzetin canalloyatomic numbertinfoilsteelcanmalleablezincsoldernickelore

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Have you seen my impression of a tin opener?

It's uncanny.

Just bought some extra strong beer. On the tin it says 'Please drink responsibly'

Well I've got my seat belt on...

the tin can and the chalk stick

An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are each sent in a room with nothing in it but a tin can and a chalk stick with the task to open the tin can in one hour.

The rooms are checked after one hour:

The engineer's room is covered in impact notches, with the successful one circled...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin?

Justin.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

*“Curses! Foil again!”*

What's The Tin Man's favorite type of music?

He's a big heavy metal guy.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

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Wedding prankster

A group of guys pledged that they would never get married, but one by one, they met the women of their dreams and tied the knot. Each time, however, the rest of the group pranked them at the wedding or reception such as not "holding their peace," or plastic poop in the punchbowl.

Time come...

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

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A man walked into a Walgreens and asked where the tampons were.

Cashier: "Aisle 5."

Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton balls and some string.

Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."

Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, an...

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

Two boys decide to see who's stuff is better

"I have a small bottle of glue!" One boy says

"I have a whole tin of glue!" The other says

"Well I have ants." The boy says

"Well, I have taller ants!" The other says

"I have bread!" The boy says.

"Aww, can't beat that with my glue tin n' taller ants"

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

I have a tin that looks nothing like a tin.....

It's uncanny.

Tin Soldiers

I once had a box of tin soldiers,

I’d often take them to bed,

I’d get bored of Generals and Colonels

And play with my Private’s instead

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

How many toucan can live in a tin can?

Toucan

If anyone gets a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it....

It’s spam!

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

It is against the bible to put Iodine in the middle of tin as it is a

SIn

What nationality is a happy tin?

American.

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

 Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads...

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

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Two muffins are sitting in a muffin tin inside an oven, baking away.

The first muffin turns to the second and asks “is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”

The second muffin turns to the first and says “holy fucking shit, a talking muffin!”

My friend drank a tin of wood varnish

In the beginning the death throes were terrible, but a lovely finish.

(This joke was invented and told to me by my uncle Raymond when I was a little kid)

What do you call a Russian bedpan?

A Poo-Tin

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped tin roof and start to slide down at the same time. Which kitten falls off the roof first?

The one with the smaller μ (pronounced mew).

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Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..


"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What do you call a vampire that defecates in a box?

Vladimir Poo-Tin.

What tinned food is best for protecting you from the rain?

Can of Peas

I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date"

I thought, "No, it isn't."

I bought a tin of evaporated milk the other day

when I opened it, it was empty.

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

Why does the tin man's wife have so much lead in her?

She solder soul to the devil.

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.

Copper and Tin joined the Olympics the other day

Sadly they both tied on Bronze

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

I had five tins of Alphabet soup for dinner last night.

This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle.
But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle.
Now I can w...

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

An old man walks into a bar. He apologises to the barman, he has no money.

But, if he were allowed to entertain the clientele, maybe the barman could give him a drink on the house. The barman tells him go ahead.

The old man reaches into a bag beside him and takes out harmonica, then a tin box and finally a duck.

He places the box on the floor, the duck on t...

Two friends were comparing their belongings

The first guy goes: 'i have ants'

The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'

The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'

The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'

The first guy: 'i got bread as well'

The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my...

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The pepper, the pickle, and the penis

Commiserating together at the bar are a pepper, a pickle, and a penis.

The pepper says, “Nobody understands the hell I’ve been through. When you’re a pepper, they take you in the prime of your life and throw you on a hot, tin roof to suffer in the sun until you’re a husk of your former self.”...

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

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The exterminator

A man comes home from work early while his wife's lover is visiting. When she hears his car pulling up, she tells her lover "quick, go hide in the bathroom!" When husband comes into the bedroom, he sees that his wife is in bed, naked. Before he can react, she says "I've been waiting for you..." The ...

Just made up a 100-year-old joke:

What do you call a metal dog?

>!Rin Tin Tin!<

Dad's Shortcut

Dad used to tell us about the time he took a short cut home on Halloween. He grew up on a farm in western New York state, and at the time Halloween meant going out with his friend, Tommy, to do pranks. They had been out pranking drivers by tying a couple tin cans to the two ends of a long string, ...

One morning when Dorothy woke up, she walked outside and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Dorothy set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy walked through a farm an...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?

A caterpillar

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

Ken Dodd's view on reincarnation ...

"I don't see the point of coming back as a tin of milk"

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

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A daddy dog was taking his puppy for a walk in the neighborhood.

As they came upon an empty tin can he said to his son: "While we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, l...

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He...

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Blonde girl painting her lounge.

Her friend walks in and can't believe how well she is doing, but she is sweating buckets, Friend says to her why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker!?

Blonde says "helloooooooo" read the fucking tin, it says, for best results put two coats on.

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Little Johnny goes fishing

Little Johnny goes fishing with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.

"Grampa, can I try that?"

Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

"No sir...."

"Then you a...

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

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A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

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How hungry?

A charity worker stopped me outside the supermarket today and said, "I'm collecting for the starving children."

"Oh right." I said, slipping a few coins into her tin, "There you go."

She smiled and said, "Thanks, but they were chocolate coins."

"I know." I replied, "Are those fu...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

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