My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

How many toucan can live in a tin can?

Toucan

What happens whan you eat tin foil?

You sheet metal

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Two muffins are sitting in a muffin tin inside an oven, baking away.

The first muffin turns to the second and asks “is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”

The second muffin turns to the first and says “holy fucking shit, a talking muffin!”

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

A decorator decided to kill himself by drinking tin of varnish.

It was horrible as he was dying, but it was a beautiful finish.

I bought a wooden whistle

...but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.

Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.

Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.

what do you call 2 tins of bird meat?

a toucan




this really sucks i’m sorry

What nationality is a happy tin?

American.

What do you call a tin emperor?

a Genghis Can

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

Why does the tin man's wife have so much lead in her?

She solder soul to the devil.

My friend drank a tin of wood varnish

In the beginning the death throes were terrible, but a lovely finish.

(This joke was invented and told to me by my uncle Raymond when I was a little kid)

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Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..


"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

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A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

I bought a tin of evaporated milk the other day

when I opened it, it was empty.

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date"

I thought, "No, it isn't."

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped tin roof and start to slide down at the same time. Which kitten falls off the roof first?

The one with the smaller μ (pronounced mew).

Can a match box?

No but a tin can

Copper and Tin joined the Olympics the other day

Sadly they both tied on Bronze

A man in the south of France today was surprised when he opened a tin of locally sourced duck when it started dancing

His canned Cannes canard can can-can!

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

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The exterminator

A man comes home from work early while his wife's lover is visiting. When she hears his car pulling up, she tells her lover "quick, go hide in the bathroom!" When husband comes into the bedroom, he sees that his wife is in bed, naked. Before he can react, she says "I've been waiting for you..." The ...

My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400.

He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.

I had five tins of Alphabet soup for dinner last night.

This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.

I broke up with a tin of paint this week.

I'm feeling pretty emulsional.

(CREDIT TO MY MUM FOR THIS MASTERPIECE)

My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?

A caterpillar

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

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A man walks into a pharmacy...

...and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales lady notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. The lady kindly directs him down the correct aisle and sends him on his way....

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

A new bar owner

A younger guy decides to open a bar. He's not confident, being a younger guy with little experience.

One of the first days his place is open, an older gentleman enters and takes a seat at the bar.

The young owner and the older gentleman start talking, and after a while the older man ...

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

A rabbi and a priest are old friends.

One day, the priest comes over to the rabbi and says “Rabbi, I’m going on vacation. Can you take over for me for a few days? All you gotta do is hear confessions.”

The rabbi looks worried and says he doesn’t know how. So the priest takes the rabbi into the confessional to show him.

A ...

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Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

“You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.”

“How can you do that?”

“Watch. I’ll show you on the next customer.”

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a sing...

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Joke from a 1920’s scrapbook

A farmer years the tin roof off his barn and mails it to Ford. A week later the company writes:
“Your Model T is the worst wreck we’ve ever seen; it will take us two weeks to fix it.”

Spooning with the GF this morning...

and she says to me, "Am I the little spoon?"

I said "No, you're more like the cake tin."

Didn't go down well.

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He...

Darts Team

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," s...

I was out one morning with my Uncle Jim

When someone threw a tomato at him
"Tomatoes don't hurt!" Shouted Uncle Jim
The next one did, it came in a tin

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

Dad joke heard at the beach

Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.

This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"

I was d...

What's the most capable element?

Tin, because tin can.

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The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...

... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian...

An American, Brit, and Irish dude get stranded on a desert island

Soon after they arrive, they are captured by cannibals. The 3 men are given the right to kill themselves in any way they wish in order to make a covering for the cannibals' canoe.

The American walks up to the box containing the weapons, grabs a pistol, and with a tear in his eye, shoots himse...

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit ...

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Tell me why this is funny?

I heard it on the radio where all involved laughed and I've since found it on the internet but I'm still none the wiser? Here goes:

Man goes in to a hardware store and asks the owner for a tin of blue paint.

The owner replies I'm very sorry I only have red paint.

The man says t...

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

Dirty Jokes for Grandma

A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. So he walks into town, and sees a sign- "Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel". He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for, and says, put $5 in t...

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So I got into an argument with my girlfriend about her drinking problem...

I said to her, "You know babe, drinking really brings out the..."

She interrupts and slowly slurs, "con..tin..ue"

I quickly replied, "Well, I wasn't going to word it like that But yes, it does bring out the cunt in you."

Someone told me a joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

A mortician friend told me a joke about a situation he encountered several years back, but I can't remember the punchline to save my life.

It was about this couple who got in an auto accident on their anniversary. The wife survived but the husband unfortunately died on impact.

The wif...

The King and the Thrones

Once there was a king- his kingdom was made up of houses made from the hay, mud and reinforced by waterproof grass fronds from the riverbanks. The king, naturally, had the biggest house, his being the only one in the kingdom to have two floors; a tricky bit of engineering for an all natural structur...

a Russian man goes to a job interview

A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper...

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

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I used the toilet just after my wife and noticed that her shit really does smell of roses.

Hardly surprising. She's polished off four tins of the fuckers in the last two days

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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Vodka Christmas Cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. baking powder

1 cup water

1 tsp. salt ...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

Beans and bullets

Johnny wanted to play with the BB gun he found in his dad's old trunk but there weren't any BBs. He knew that his Mom and Dad would get mad if he asked them, so he went down the street to his Nana's house and asked her if she had any odd jobs he could do for money.

Being a good Nana, she as...

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Looking for similar jokes to 'Does a bear shit in the woods?'

Hey /r/jokes,

Looking for some sarcastic one liners. All I got so far is:

* Does a bear shit in the woods?
* Is the pope catholic?
* Is grass green?
* Is the sky blue?
* Is the tin-mans cock made of sheet metal?
* Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does Vladimir keep his shit?

In his poo tin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

Bad taste

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

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A charity worker stopped me outside the supermarket today....

A charity worker stopped me outside the supermarket today and said, "I'm collecting for the starving children in Africa."

"Oh, right," I said, slipping a few coins into her tin. "There you go."

She smiled and said, "Thanks, but they were chocolate coins."

"I know," I replied. "A...

A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.

**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"

**Woman:** "4 your honour."

**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."

From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up

**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."

The Lodger

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few week...

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