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Tin Jokes

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

I have a tin that looks nothing like a tin.....

It's uncanny.

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

*“Curses! Foil again!”*

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

Just bought some extra strong beer. On the tin it says 'Please drink responsibly'

Well I've got my seat belt on...

Tin Soldiers

I once had a box of tin soldiers,

I’d often take them to bed,

I’d get bored of Generals and Colonels

And play with my Private’s instead

Have you seen my impression of a tin opener?

It's uncanny.

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle.
But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle.
Now I can w...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin?

Justin.

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

How many toucan can live in a tin can?

Toucan

What nationality is a happy tin?

American.

If anyone gets a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it....

It’s spam!

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The Tin Man's Record Collection

I was in Oz visiting the Tin Woodsman' and I discovered his large record collection, I asked if I could flip through it. Awkwardly he said I could but warned me that he was ashamed of it. I shrugged it off and began flipping through, he had an album by every band I could think of, Stones, yup. Skyny...

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The Telling Tale of Oliver Tin

When he was young, Oliver Tin knew nothing about what he wanted to do, except that he wanted to do everything.

At the age of 5, he had already mastered reading, and had grown bored of all the literature he could find, fiction or not. Oliver Tin took this boredom as an obligation to produce wo...

My friend drank a tin of wood varnish

In the beginning the death throes were terrible, but a lovely finish.

(This joke was invented and told to me by my uncle Raymond when I was a little kid)

Why do some conspiracy weirdos wear tin foil hats with four holes in it?

To make sure 5G radiation can't get through.

I bought a tin of evaporated milk the other day

when I opened it, it was empty.

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Two muffins are sitting in a muffin tin inside an oven, baking away.

The first muffin turns to the second and asks “is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”

The second muffin turns to the first and says “holy fucking shit, a talking muffin!”

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Joke from a Ford automobile joke book published by the Standard Thermometer Company sometime in the 1920s

Boob: They tell me that all Ford cars will be painted red next year.
Simp: How's that?
Boob: The State laws insist that any tin can made to carry gasoline must be painted red.

If you get an email from me about tinned ham, delete it.

It's spam.

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

Copper and Tin joined the Olympics the other day

Sadly they both tied on Bronze

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date"

I thought, "No, it isn't."

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

What tinned food is best for protecting you from the rain?

Can of Peas

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

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What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler never changed his mind on Wagner

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

I had five tins of Alphabet soup for dinner last night.

This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The...

A man in the south of France today was surprised when he opened a tin of locally sourced duck when it started dancing

His canned Cannes canard can can-can!

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped tin roof and start to slide down at the same time. Which kitten falls off the roof first?

The one with the smaller μ (pronounced mew).

Two boys decide to see who's stuff is better

"I have a small bottle of glue!" One boy says

"I have a whole tin of glue!" The other says

"Well I have ants." The boy says

"Well, I have taller ants!" The other says

"I have bread!" The boy says.

"Aww, can't beat that with my glue tin n' taller ants"

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He...

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

Can a match box?

No but a tin can

One morning when Dorothy woke up, she walked outside and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Dorothy set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy walked through a farm an...

Supermarket

I went to a supermarket and I asked one of the employees there where they kept the tinned peaches. The employee said: "I'll see." and walked away. I asked another employee and they also said: "I'll see." and walked away.

In the end, I managed to find them myself in Aisle C.

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

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Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..


"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

Just made up a 100-year-old joke:

What do you call a metal dog?

>!Rin Tin Tin!<

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

Two friends were comparing their belongings

The first guy goes: 'i have ants'

The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'

The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'

The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'

The first guy: 'i got bread as well'

The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my...

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Mummy Mummy

What's daddy doing with his Penis in the biscuit tin?

I don't know son, he must be fucking crackers

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

What's the most capable element?

Tin, because tin can.

A new bar owner

A younger guy decides to open a bar. He's not confident, being a younger guy with little experience.

One of the first days his place is open, an older gentleman enters and takes a seat at the bar.

The young owner and the older gentleman start talking, and after a while the older man ...

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

I might be paranoid about The CIA

Or maybe that's the drugs they're putting in my coffee

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Wedding prankster

A group of guys pledged that they would never get married, but one by one, they met the women of their dreams and tied the knot. Each time, however, the rest of the group pranked them at the wedding or reception such as not "holding their peace," or plastic poop in the punchbowl.

Time come...

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A daddy dog was taking his puppy for a walk in the neighborhood.

As they came upon an empty tin can he said to his son: "While we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, l...

Ken Dodd's view on reincarnation ...

"I don't see the point of coming back as a tin of milk"

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

Two women are talking over a garden fence.

I was sorry to hear about your husband dying in the garden. Whatever happened?

Well, he was bent over pulling up a cabbage for our dinner and he had a massive heart attack.

Oh dear, what did you do?

Nothing else I could do. I had to open a tin of peas.

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

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