A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house

I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

The Burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
A voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and cont...

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night my wife woke me up - "Darling! Darling! There is a burglar downstairs!" So I go down, check every room and didn't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have wife, but when I went upstairs, my bed and TV were gone.

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the ...

The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

Burglar: if you wanna live give me all of your money

Me: bold of you to assume that I wanna live and that I have money

What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

What was a burglar doing at Wayne Manor?

Robin

The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.

Police have nothing to go on.

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

A burglar walks into an art show.

He says, "Give me all your Monet."

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"

Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

What’s a burglar’s favorite song?

Tresspacito

Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?

He didn't want to take any whisks.

Jesus is watching you.

=

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is wat...

A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .

The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.

I know a burglar who doesn't understand figurative language

He takes things literally

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack ...

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead...

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

A burglar broke into my home last night.

He was searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

Why did the burglar take a shower?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin...

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A burglar breaks into an elderly woman's house...

Hearing the sound, the woman, familiar with the house layout in the dark and very brave, manages to sneak behind the burglar, grabs him firmly by the balls, gets very close to his shoulder and whispers:

- Who are you?

The man doesn't answer. The woman then puts more pressure and asks a...

A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day...

After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tri...

What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom?

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ...

What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and a burglar?

A burglar snatches watches.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

One night a burglar broke into my house

All he got was practice.

As a burglar breaks into a house, he hears a voice say "Jesus can see you"

A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
...

Burglar breaks into a house

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he h...

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As ...

A burglar

”Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window,” screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

”Sorry, lady,” came back the answer, ”you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department.”

”No, no,” she pleaded, ”I want the fire department. What he n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two burglars, Jim and Dave, break into an Indian family's house...

They split up and go into different rooms, in an attempt to find the most valuable goods the fastest. Quickly, Dave yells to Jim, "Hey, I just found a safe! It's pretty big and heavy!"

"Can we fit it into the van?" Jim yells back.

"I think so. Both of us will have to carry it into the ...

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

I'd want a burglar to break into my house,

I'll help them look for money.

Russian burglar

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

Why didn't Kevin from Home Alone call the cops when the burglars came around?

He was running a trap house.

Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

Burglar Meets Moses and Jesus

There was once a burglar that had been staking out a house for weeks. He finally decided to break in when we saw the tenants leaving for dinner date.

He then snuck in through a back door that he knew where the extra key was hidden. As he snuck through the house spotting his flashlight on what...

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man breaks into a house and starts examining valuable things to steal. He hears a screechy voice saying "God is watching you!"

He goes into another room and hears the same voice say "God is watching you!".

Then he goes into another room and, once again, hears "God is watching you!". At that point, he asks "And who are you?"

The voice responds by saying "Johnny Cash. I'm a parrot."

The burglar asks "What...

My wife said to me the other day

"Why don't we play that game again tonight where you pretend to be a burglar with a mask on, sneak in the bedroom and take me roughly while I'm pretending to be asleep"

​

I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds

The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.

“Jesus is Watching”

A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s sa...

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

Post Malone might be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

1937 in Moscow

Moscow. The year is 1937. At around 3 am, a man wakes up to the sound of the door being broken down and he goes to inspect it. He returns to the bedroom where his wife is trembling and crying. "Don't worry my dear, it's just burglars!"

Three ghosts met on their way to hell and started discussing how they each had the most peculiar death...

The first ghost goes, “As I opened the door to my apartment, I heard noises in my bedroom. I detected signs of burglary; drawers and cabinets were opened, and valuables were obviously missing. I held gun in my hand and carefully went into the bedroom, but the burglar wasn’t there. I searched under t...

A friend of mine told me this joke many years ago

An Indian man gets a job at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. On his first day, after the manager teaches him how to use the register, he tells the newcomer that he is going to be in the back to restock, and if the Indian guy needed any help, he should go to the back and ask him.

A cust...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

true story

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the ...

A priest had a speaking parrot

One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus se...

Another Parrot joke.

A burglar breaks into a house and starts to look around the living room. He then hears a faint voice in the house that says "Jesus is watching" The burglar looks around but sees nothing. He then starts going toward the other side of the house and the voice was louder this time. "Jesus is watching!" ...

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus is watching!!!

One day a burglar breaks into a house. It's pitch dark so he turns on his flashlight. Suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching". He freezes, swings his flashlight around but can't find the source of the voice. After 2 minutes nothing happens so he goes about trashing the room looking for things ...

Jesus is watching you!

A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night, turns on his flashlight and starts looking for money and valuables. Suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus knows what you're doing!"

The burglar almost has a heart attack, turns off the flashlight and freezes, waiting, but nothing happens. ...

A woman had returned home from an evening of church services.....

....when she was startled by an intruder robbing her house of its valuables.

She yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is pregnant with triplets...

A woman is pregnant with triplets and is walking into a bank.

On her way in a burglar is leaving the bank and shoots her 3 times in the stomach.

Luckily 3 healthy children were born: 2 girls and a boy.

Over 13 years later one of her daughters runs into the room screaming and cr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn.

'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?'
'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?'
'Yes, Se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My missus said to me in bed the other night

"Why don't we do that dressing up thing again where you pretend to be a burglar, and blindfold me before you take me all rough"

I have absolutely no fucking idea what she's talking about

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In memory of Sir Robin Wiiliams here are lists of top 5 funny jokes that gives me so much laugh.. thanks so much for brighten our day for a while Robin!

#1 “Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster...

A guy gets a job at a fruit stand

His first ever customer walks up to him and asks "how much is a pound of apples?" "I don't know." says the guy "let me call my manager." He calls the manager and the manager says "Your supposed to say '25 cents,sir'."

When the guy gets off the phone he sees that the first customer has alread...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police called me at work!

The officer said a burglar broke into my house and drank all my beer, then raped my wife.
I said, "WHAT?????!!!!! He fucked my wife after only 5 beers???!!!"