A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

A burglar breaks in to a house

A burglar breaks into a house,

as he’s wandering through the first floor he hears “Jesus is watching you “,

Startled, he looks around and he sees a parrot, as he sees the parrot it says to him “Jesus is watching you “,
“Hello parrot” says the burglar, “so your name is Jesus,eh?...

A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty...

The guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying.

"I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again! Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.

The burglar c...

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.

One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"


The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

A burglar stole all of my lamps

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

A burglar broke into a house one night....

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.<...

Of all my favorite burglars in life

The bakery thief really takes the cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

Late one night a burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the vo...

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

Why was the burglar so sensitive?

He takes things personally

A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

Why don't burglars have a problem with the COVID-19 lockdowns?

They are used to work from home.

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

A serial burglar goes on a spree

A serial burglar goes on a spree, robbing homes in an affluent neighborhood. Day after day he steals thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, cash, and other small easily transportable valuables. No one can figure out how he does it because half the time the victims are home at the time, but they neve...

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, “Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar?” “Well... it was rather dark,” I replied.

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote?

Please respond quickly!

It’s hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar...

Because they tend to take things literally.

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

I heard a burglar in my back garden

I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn’t want him to take a fence

Burglars will be the ones his hardest by the corona virus.

Everyone is home, all the time.

A burglar breaks in a house

As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me."...

A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,...

A burglar breaks into a house late at night.

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one and think he’s imagining things he goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He shined his flashlight on a cage a...

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

What's the difference between peeping toms and a burglar?...

A burglar snatches watches. - Redd Foxx

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

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Damn burglar

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard.

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

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A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”

He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.

A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”

He again looks around wi...

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

A Burglar...

A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that w...

What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.

Police have nothing to go on.

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

Why do burglars only tell dirty jokes?

They don't like safe for work.

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead...

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

How do you know if you've been burglarized by Asians?

1) Your cat is missing.

2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.

3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack ...

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

They broke into the policeman's house

Three guys broke into the policeman's house, but the policeman arrived home. The burglars got scared and they hid in three huge bags they had found. The policeman got suspicious. He kicked the first bag. Meow - replied the bag. Ok, that's just the cat. Then the policeman kicked the second bag. Woof...

The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor?

He was Robin.

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As ...

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Be Strong

A burglar entered a bedroom, tied up the husband and wife, kissed the wife's ear and went to the bathroom..

The husband said to the wife "Satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong. I love you"

Wife said "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and i ...

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ...

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin...

One of my dads faves

Burglars have broken into Scotland Yard and stolen all the toilets

Police say they have nothing to go on

What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom?

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and...

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

As a burglar breaks into a house, he hears a voice say "Jesus can see you"

A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
...

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

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A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

A burglar

”Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window,” screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

”Sorry, lady,” came back the answer, ”you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department.”

”No, no,” she pleaded, ”I want the fire department. What he n...

What’s a burglar’s favorite song?

Tresspacito

I'd want a burglar to break into my house,

I'll help them look for money.

Burglar breaks into a house

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he h...

Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

Russian burglar

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Burglar meets Jesus

A burglar breaks into a house.
As he is stealing the silverware, he hears a voice in the darkness:
"Jesus is watching."
Thinking it's just his imagination, he continues raiding the place, then hears it again:
"Jesus is watching."
He turns on the lights and sees a parrot at a cage behi...

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

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A burglar breaks into an elderly woman's house...

Hearing the sound, the woman, familiar with the house layout in the dark and very brave, manages to sneak behind the burglar, grabs him firmly by the balls, gets very close to his shoulder and whispers:

- Who are you?

The man doesn't answer. The woman then puts more pressure and asks a...

What do you call a Mexican burglar?

Juanted

Why did the Frenchman rob the same bank four times?

He was a quatre burglar.

Burglar Meets Moses and Jesus

There was once a burglar that had been staking out a house for weeks. He finally decided to break in when we saw the tenants leaving for dinner date.

He then snuck in through a back door that he knew where the extra key was hidden. As he snuck through the house spotting his flashlight on what...

When I was young we were so poor

That burglars broke into the house in the middle of the night. They couldn’t find anything to steal so they woke us up to make fun of us.

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