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Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.

One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"


The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

A burglar broke into our house last night…

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)
AI Image Generator

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

A burglar stole all of my lamps

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

A burglar breaks into a house

He was stealing anything he could get his hands on, then he heard a voice. It said, “Jesus is watching you” thinking it’s in his head, he continues on his business, Then he hears it again, “Jesus is watching you” The burglar not very religious but still scared says, “Who are you?” Then he flipped on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar breaks into a home

While he's putting things in his bag the door opens. A very old lady stands there with a shotgun.

"Are you here to... violate me?"

The burglar sees the shotgun and timidly responds: "oh no... Of course not... I..."

The old lady cocks the gun: "Oh yes, you are!"

Did you hear about the burglar who could see sound?

He got caught, and now he has to face the music.

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ...

How did the burglar break in?

Intruder window

I saw a Burglar breaking his own house the other day.

Turns out he was Working from Home.

Time to change careers. This cat burglar thing isn't working out.

Too many friggin' scratches.

Why did the burglar wear Blue gloves?

He didn't want to get caught Red handed!

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

A Burglar...

A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that w...

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

The desk sergeant replied, "You would get your chance in court."

The man replied, "No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

A burglar is walking around a garden at night:

When he suddenly hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you" He looks around but doesn't see anyone and ultimately decides to keep going.

But then he hears the voice again say "Jesus is watching you" at this point the burglar is really looking around and he notices a parrot. He asked the par...

I work at a store that was burglarized.

An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.


He didn't seem pleased when I answered:

"Kindergarten."

[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...

Why is it that burglars are usually armed?

Armless burglars can't get away with as much.

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

A burglar entered into a religious woman's house

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ...

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

Jamie's house was ransacked and burglarized.

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with ...

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Burglar breaks into a house through the basement.

As he climbs through the window he hears

"Jesus sees you."

Startled, the burglar frantically looks for a light switch and turns on the lights revealing a parrot.

"Jesus sees you and he's angry!" The parrot screeches.

The burglar scoffs and continues to creep upstairs as h...

Why did the burglar file for unemployment?

Everyone was home last year.

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and...

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, “Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar?” “Well... it was rather dark,” I replied.

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

Late one night a burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the vo...

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed burglar?

If you see him looking in your window make sure to warn your neighbours.

Why was the burglar so sensitive?

He takes things personally

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

What's the best thing to give to a constipated burglar?

Klepto-bismol

It’s hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar...

Because they tend to take things literally.

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote?

Please respond quickly!

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

A burglar breaks into a house late at night.

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one and think he’s imagining things he goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He shined his flashlight on a cage a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

A burglar breaks in a house

As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me."...

Of all my favorite burglars in life

The bakery thief really takes the cake

A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,...

What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn burglar

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard.

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

Why don't burglars have a problem with the COVID-19 lockdowns?

They are used to work from home.

I heard a burglar in my back garden

I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn’t want him to take a fence

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

What's the difference between peeping toms and a burglar?...

A burglar snatches watches. - Redd Foxx

Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

Burglars will be the ones his hardest by the corona virus.

Everyone is home, all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”

He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.

A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”

He again looks around wi...

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

While robbing a house a burglar hears Jesus is watching you

As he continues to rob the house he hears this again and continues to be confused. Eventually he runs into a cage with a sheet over it. When he removes the sheet he finds a parrot inside the cage and asks it its name. The parrots tells him his name is Ralph the burglar then ask the parrot who Jesus ...

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack ...

What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor?

He was Robin.

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As ...

How do you know if you've been burglarized by Asians?

1) Your cat is missing.

2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.

3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.

Police have nothing to go on.

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

What did one burglar say to the other before entering a window into the church?

"Let us pry."

What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom?

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

A burglar

”Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window,” screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

”Sorry, lady,” came back the answer, ”you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department.”

”No, no,” she pleaded, ”I want the fire department. What he n...

Burglar breaks into a house

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he h...

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

What’s a burglar’s favorite song?

Tresspacito

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin...

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

As a burglar breaks into a house, he hears a voice say "Jesus can see you"

A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
...

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar breaks into an elderly woman's house...

Hearing the sound, the woman, familiar with the house layout in the dark and very brave, manages to sneak behind the burglar, grabs him firmly by the balls, gets very close to his shoulder and whispers:

- Who are you?

The man doesn't answer. The woman then puts more pressure and asks a...

Fridge Noises

"Why does my fridge have to sound like a burglar breaking in?" I complained at midnight.

"What kind of fridge do you *have?*" the burglar asked.

Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

I'd want a burglar to break into my house,

I'll help them look for money.

Russian burglar

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots

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