Burglar Jokes

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"


The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo... read more

He was stealing anything he could get his hands on, then he heard a voice. It said, “Jesus is watching you” thinking it’s in his head, he continues on his business, Then he hears it again, “Jesus is watching you” The burglar not very religious but still scared says, “Who are you?” Then he flipped on... read more

He got caught, and now he has to face the music.

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus... read more

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ... read more

Intruder window

Turns out he was Working from Home.

Too many friggin' scratches.

He didn't want to get caught Red handed!

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,... read more

Our three cats did the rest.

A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that w... read more

The desk sergeant replied, "You would get your chance in court."

The man replied, "No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years."

When he suddenly hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you" He looks around but doesn't see anyone and ultimately decides to keep going.

But then he hears the voice again say "Jesus is watching you" at this point the burglar is really looking around and he notices a parrot. He asked the par... read more

An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.


He didn't seem pleased when I answered:

"Kindergarten."

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet... read more

Armless burglars can't get away with as much.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

…let my cat do the rest.

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ... read more

He said, "Working from home"

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with ... read more

Hidden Alley Ranch.

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night... read more

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

They can't get past the laser defenses

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead... read more

Everyone was home last year.

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and... read more

Santa is way more efficient!

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca... read more

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ... read more

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the vo... read more

If you see him looking in your window make sure to warn your neighbours.

He takes things personally

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is... read more

Klepto-bismol

Because they tend to take things literally.

Please respond quickly!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one and think he’s imagining things he goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He shined his flashlight on a cage a... read more

As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me."... read more

The bakery thief really takes the cake

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,... read more

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

His cousin with the DVD

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
... read more

They are used to work from home.

I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn’t want him to take a fence

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

A burglar snatches watches. - Redd Foxx

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

Everyone is home, all the time.

I did it for the Monet

As he continues to rob the house he hears this again and continues to be confused. Eventually he runs into a cage with a sheet over it. When he removes the sheet he finds a parrot inside the cage and asks it its name. The parrots tells him his name is Ralph the burglar then ask the parrot who Jesus ... read more

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack ... read more

He was Robin.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal... read more

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As ... read more

1) Your cat is missing.

2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.

3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

The details are sketchy.

Police have nothing to go on.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

"Let us pry."

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla... read more

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ... read more

”Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window,” screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

”Sorry, lady,” came back the answer, ”you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department.”

”No, no,” she pleaded, ”I want the fire department. What he n... read more

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he h... read more

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just... read more

Tresspacito

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin... read more

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
... read more

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio... read more

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

"Why does my fridge have to sound like a burglar breaking in?" I complained at midnight.

"What kind of fridge do you *have?*" the burglar asked.

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

I'll help them look for money.

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots