One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so h...

What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb in Fort Knox

Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold.

we were at the theatre last night and a burglar broke in as they were all on stage performing

he stole the spotlight

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

A burglar breaks into a house

While going through the owner's silver ware a voice speaks to him:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating his line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Hea...

Why was the burglar so easily offended?

He took things personally.

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

What's the difference between a cat burglar and a cat fish

A cat burglar will steal all your stuff but a cat fish will steal all your dignity.

How do you know if you've been burglarized by Asians?

1) Your cat is missing.

2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.

3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She frantically telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of th...

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house

I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night my wife woke me up - "Darling! Darling! There is a burglar downstairs!" So I go down, check every room and didn't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have wife, but when I went upstairs, my bed and TV were gone.

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the ...

A man walks into a bar

The bartender says “What can I get you?”

The man says “Cheapest beer I can get.”

After many cheap beers, the man walks home, and stumbles into his house.

The man, in his drunken state, yells at his wife to get him another beer.

His wife, says that in his inebriated state,...

The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.

Police have nothing to go on.

A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .

The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

What was a burglar doing at Wayne Manor?

Robin

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

A burglar walks into an art show.

He says, "Give me all your Monet."

What did one burglar say to the other before entering a window into the church?

"Let us pry."

Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?

He didn't want to take any whisks.

What’s a burglar’s favorite song?

Tresspacito

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead...

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tri...

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack ...

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

The Burglar Who Was Being Watched By Jesus

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the v...

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom?

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

Why did the burglar take a shower?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin...

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and...

[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn.

'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?'
'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?'
'Yes, Se...

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed...

A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

Another Parrot joke.

A burglar breaks into a house and starts to look around the living room. He then hears a faint voice in the house that says "Jesus is watching" The burglar looks around but sees nothing. He then starts going toward the other side of the house and the voice was louder this time. "Jesus is watching!" ...

A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day...

After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.

Jesus is watching you!

A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night, turns on his flashlight and starts looking for money and valuables. Suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus knows what you're doing!"

The burglar almost has a heart attack, turns off the flashlight and freezes, waiting, but nothing happens. ...

Burglar breaks into a house

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he h...

What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and a burglar?

A burglar snatches watches.

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service...

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his track...

One night a burglar broke into my house

All he got was practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My missus said to me in bed the other night

"Why don't we do that dressing up thing again where you pretend to be a burglar, and blindfold me before you take me all rough"

I have absolutely no fucking idea what she's talking about

A Burglar Breaks into a house...

He breaks into the house and initially he hears "Jesus is watching you." He shrugs it off and continues to his burglary. Again he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around and sees a parrot, and the bird repeats, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar asks the bird what its name is, and it says ...

Russian burglar

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots

He's Watching!

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he walks through the living room, he is startled when he hears this. "I see you. And so does Jesus!" The burglar is perplexed and looks around with his flashlight but sees nothing. He starts to walk and takes two steps and hears again, "I see you. And...

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is pregnant with triplets...

A woman is pregnant with triplets and is walking into a bank.

On her way in a burglar is leaving the bank and shoots her 3 times in the stomach.

Luckily 3 healthy children were born: 2 girls and a boy.

Over 13 years later one of her daughters runs into the room screaming and cr...

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