One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so h...

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

So I bought a burglar alarm.

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

Why was the burglar so easily offended?

He took things personally.

Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

What's the difference between a cat burglar and a cat fish

A cat burglar will steal all your stuff but a cat fish will steal all your dignity.

A burglar breaks into a house

While going through the owner's silver ware a voice speaks to him:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating his line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Hea...

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak........

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do ...

A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house

I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

Burglars are getting very clever these days

Last night, my wife woke me up
Darling...! Darling...! There's a burglar downstairs...!!!
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the backdoor.

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the ...

The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.

Police have nothing to go on.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

Jesus is watching you.

=

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is wat...

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .

The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.

A burglar walks into an art show.

He says, "Give me all your Monet."

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?

He didn't want to take any whisks.

What was a burglar doing at Wayne Manor?

Robin

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead...

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack ...

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

What’s a burglar’s favorite song?

Tresspacito

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tri...

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom?

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

Why did the burglar take a shower?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin...

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and...

A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day...

After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.

As a burglar breaks into a house, he hears a voice say "Jesus can see you"

A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
...

A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and a burglar?

A burglar snatches watches.

A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ...

One night a burglar broke into my house

All he got was practice.

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As ...

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

Burglar breaks into a house

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he's carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, "Jesus is watching you..."

Looking around he can't see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he h...

A burglar

”Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window,” screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

”Sorry, lady,” came back the answer, ”you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department.”

”No, no,” she pleaded, ”I want the fire department. What he n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar breaks into an elderly woman's house...

Hearing the sound, the woman, familiar with the house layout in the dark and very brave, manages to sneak behind the burglar, grabs him firmly by the balls, gets very close to his shoulder and whispers:

- Who are you?

The man doesn't answer. The woman then puts more pressure and asks a...

Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

Russian burglar

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

What do you call a Mexican burglar?

Juanted

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

I'd want a burglar to break into my house,

I'll help them look for money.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 bullets

I don't know if you guys have heard this joke. But here it goes...

There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. Unfortunately, one day a burglar came, armed with a gun came into the house and demanded all the cash but they didn't have any to give at hand. The burglar got angry and s...

“Jesus is Watching”

A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s sa...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

My wife said to me the other day

"Why don't we play that game again tonight where you pretend to be a burglar with a mask on, sneak in the bedroom and take me roughly while I'm pretending to be asleep"



I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

true story

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the ...

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

1937 in Moscow

Moscow. The year is 1937. At around 3 am, a man wakes up to the sound of the door being broken down and he goes to inspect it. He returns to the bedroom where his wife is trembling and crying. "Don't worry my dear, it's just burglars!"

A friend of mine told me this joke many years ago

An Indian man gets a job at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. On his first day, after the manager teaches him how to use the register, he tells the newcomer that he is going to be in the back to restock, and if the Indian guy needed any help, he should go to the back and ask him.

A cust...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds

The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

A priest had a speaking parrot

One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus se...

God is watching you!

A burglar watched a house carefully for a couple of days. After making sure that nobody was home, he broke into the house in the middle of the night.

As the burglar stuffed some jewelry in his bag, he was horrified to hear a deep voice say, "God is watching you!"

"Who's there?!" the b...

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus is watching!!!

One day a burglar breaks into a house. It's pitch dark so he turns on his flashlight. Suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching". He freezes, swings his flashlight around but can't find the source of the voice. After 2 minutes nothing happens so he goes about trashing the room looking for things ...

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