My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto'

By spending the day in Manchester.

Why are older Israelis More Prone to Identity Theft?

They still use Netanyahu.

A real estate investor was surprised to see all of his houses had been broken into. After all, he is the world’s best theft detective.

If there’s one thing he does best , it’s that he Sherlocks Holmes

What do you call a hooker that was arrested for theft of intellectual property?

An unoriginal thot

My freind David was the victim of ID theft

Now we call him Dav

Why do Communists drink Herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

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Why was the woman who stole the pair of breast implants arrested?

Identitty Theft

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

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I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

Who did the Hamburglar frame for the theft of Fred Flintstone's Dino-Burger?

Rubble Rubble!

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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An American Jew immigrates to Israel

He moves into a high-rise apartment in Tel Aviv and gets an office job. After a few days, he starts to feel like he's missing out on all the colour of being in the Middle East, so he goes and buys a camel. Each day he rides the camel to work, while Israelis whiz past him on the highway in their cars...

How come when the government gives itself money, it’s called “fractional reserving,”

But when I give myself money, it’s called “theft,” “embezzlement,” and “fraud”?

The police

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts

I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.

I wrote a joke about theft.

Well, my friend did, but I'll use it.

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off....

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline?

They never go on petrol.

In the future, theft will be automated by a device.

Its name will be *robbot*.

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

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Attempted theft of my motorcycle

I've just pulled up on my driveway to see some thieving lowlife leg it and jump over my back fence. Think the piece of shit was after the bike!

My wife must have put up a good fight though because she's lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk.

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

Growing up I was told I can be anyone I want to be

I've just been charged with identity theft.

Never in my life have I seen so much corruption, bribery, bIackmail, jealousy, theft, fraud, deception, and outright bloodshed.

And honestly I'm wondering why I even play Monopoly with my family in the first place.

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

I committed a petty theft today...

The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery.

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

There was a failed art theft today...

the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

Two blondes walk into a bar and take a seat.

They are immediately arrested for theft.

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

Someone broke into my car but they only stole the sound system.

It was grand theft audio.

I have a Yelp Page

My restaurant, Grand Theft Auto, is doing well, but I can’t seem to get 5 stars

A man walks into a bar

Upon realising that bar jokes often end in humiliation, loss or death, he smashes a beer bottle to use as an impromptu weapon to defend himself.

This attracts the attention of the bouncer, who attempts to evict him. Terrified that the outside world is where he meets his fate, he stabs the man...

My dad said that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Now I am wanted by the cops for identity theft.

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

Donald Trump's Magic Trick

Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton made a joint visit to a bakery while campaigning. While in the bakery, Hillary sneaks three pastries in her pocket, and whispers to Trump, “See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything, and I didn't need to lie. That’s why I’m going to win the election.”
...

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everyth...

There were two guys walking by a bakery

Jim said, " Hey, watch this. I'm gonna steal a couple donuts."

He comes back a minute later. "He didn't even notice," Jim said to Steve.

"Ugh, all you think about is theft. Here, watch this. I'll get two donuts as well." Steve responded.

He goes up to the owner of the bakery....

The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to...

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, ...

When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted.

Now the police call that Identity theft.

I dowloaded the song "Runnin' down a dream" illegally from the internet...

I got charged with Petty theft.

Why wouldn't the Marxist ever make a decent cup of tea?

Because he'd read that all proper tea is theft.

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into he...

I have a problem with taking things literally.

My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

A museum curator obtains a valuable painting called "The Joke"

The painting is put on exhibit, and to celebrate its arrival the museum throws a large party. Everyone there has an amazing time, and leaves very happy. The curator in all his excitement forgets to lock the museum. When he arrives at work the next day, he finds a terrifying sight. The painting is go...

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A village of glass houses...

There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who li...

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