UPJOKE
robberylarcenyembezzlementshopliftingcrimestealingburglaryfraudfelonymoneythieverythievinglootingmisappropriationrustling

Theft Jokes

It’s hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar...

Because they tend to take things literally.

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.

A well executed theft...

A well executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.

Why is it so hard to sue a poltergeist for theft?

Possession is 9/10 of the law

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

ID theft is no joke.

My friend Sid was victim if it. He had to change his name to S.

A constable receives notification about a theft from McGregor's farm near Nottingham. The dispatcher tells him that farmer McGregor reports the theft of 2033 pigs...

The constable starts writing the report, but decides to double-check the exact amount of the pigs. He calls McGregor and asks: "Mr McGregor, are you absolutely sure that there were 2033 pigs stolen?"


"Oh, yeth, conthtable, abtholutely!" McGregor answers.


The constable thanks hi...

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

I wrote a joke about theft.

Well, my friend did, but I'll use it.

Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto

So they can be wanted.

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

New California law makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor.

There's this new law in CA that makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor. People are stealing less than $950 worth of stuff with little to no consequences. It's getting so bad, when I went to buy a Snickers bar, the price tag said $951 dollars.

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

My friend Cid is all at C.

The police were recently investigating a recent sheep theft..

No onces been charged yet, but police hope to have the criminals behind bahhs soon

Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Attempted theft of my motorcycle

I've just pulled up on my driveway to see some thieving lowlife leg it and jump over my back fence. Think the piece of shit was after the bike!

My wife must have put up a good fight though because she's lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk.

My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Why are older Israelis More Prone to Identity Theft?

They still use Netanyahu.

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper-tea is theft!

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

but it turns out that identity theft is a crime. ;(

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

I committed a petty theft today...

The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery.

A man is arrested for theft and put into jail. Then, he says to his lawyer:

\-Listen, if I get more than a year, I will kill you, understand?

\-I understand.

The lawyer goes to the courtroom.

The lawyer goes out of the courtroom, and goes to his client.

\-Did you get me one year?

\-Yes, the judge almost gave you two days, but I managed to ...

Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline?

They never go on petrol.

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

There was a failed art theft today...

the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Who did the Hamburglar frame for the theft of Fred Flintstone's Dino-Burger?

Rubble Rubble!

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

The other day my house caught fire.

The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning d...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

The underwear making company, *Jockey* was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place...

Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then....
One day, the Auditor advised security to *check all workers on their arrival..*...

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

“You are what you eat”

Cannibal defends himself against identity theft charges

Never in my life have I seen so much corruption, bribery, bIackmail, jealousy, theft, fraud, deception, and outright bloodshed.

And honestly I'm wondering why I even play Monopoly with my family in the first place.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat

Gets arrested for theft

The Lawyer's dog

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my bu...

"You can be whoever you want to be!"

Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

Two blondes walk into a bar and take a seat.

They are immediately arrested for theft.

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady schedules a consultation with a high-class lawyer.

She says to the lawyer, “That bitch Linda from down the street stole my pastry recipe! Now she’s selling MY recipe at the church bake sale and telling everyone it’s hers! I want to file suit for theft of my intellectual property!”

The lawyer patiently hears her story, and replies, “Ma’am, I’m...

Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

They fired him for thyme theft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the woman who stole the pair of breast implants arrested?

Identitty Theft

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everyth...

Someone broke into my car but they only stole the sound system.

It was grand theft audio.

I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.