Kidnapper Jokes

I'm merely a surprise adopter.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb... read more

Wife asks husband:

W : If kidnappers took me and your mother, who would you be more afraid for?

H : For Kidnappers.

Because they’ll take you, seriously.

White Vans.

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Just call shotgun, now you've got the window seat.

The search parties

A good listener takes people seriously.



A kidnapper seriously takes people.

They offered him three ways:
- Firing squad
- Hanging
- Electric chair

The guy thinks and goes with an electric chair.

They put him on a chair, turn it on and...nothing.

The kidnappers said it's a sign from above and let him go.

Second guy comes, again they offer... read more

They're both hip abductors.

He pays your own ransom.

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)

But with what's going on today, it appears he also takes their money.

Its Transparent

Hi-Jack

They tightened him up in a tent and let his horse free

Later that evening the horse entered the tent when no one was watching, the sheriff whispered something in its ear

Later that night the horse came back with a young lady on its back, she spent the night with the sheriff and left b... read more

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

They just ransomware.

Now, pay be $1 million or I'll give her back to you.

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us
$100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my
promise but I hope you
will keep yours."

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

It's nice to have a captive audience.

He's really got away with kids.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

He had a minor in cuffs.

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

The kidnappers grab the French spy, drag him into the next room, and bind his hands behind a chair.

They then torture him for two hours until he finally cracks, answers all questions, and uncovers all of his secrets.

The kidnappers then grab the German spy.

In the next room, t... read more

I was really taken for granite.

the kidnapper threatens to shoot one of them. but will spare the one who has made the greater contribution to mankind. the cardiologist says " i've developed drugs that saved millions of lives". the kidnapper turns to the immunologist: " and what have you done...? " the immunologist pauses and then ... read more

Most people got out of their cars to see what’s going on. In the distance they spotted a man holding a donation box. As the man was walking from car to car he got stopped by one upset driver.

The driver proceeded to ask him “ what’s going on? Why are we being stopped here for hours already?”... read more

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted “What the hell, man” as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

“No ... read more

They said they didn't have so much money.

Next day the kidnapper calls the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn't show much interest.

Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn't look like he's interested in the offer.

This continues on till the time the k... read more

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap... read more

Like the kidnapper who threw me in his trunk

as I overheard my kidnappers negotiating my release for a set of quality countertops.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO... read more

They decided it would be a good time to get married now that they have a child. However, after they get home from their big day, the find the baby has been stolen from her crib. There's a note from the kidnapper: "I now de-Clare you, husband and wife."

But if I talk about my womancave I'm a "kidnapper".

The kidnappers are willing to pay any amount for her release.

The laughing creeps out the kidnappers though.

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do... read more

some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between o... read more