Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

How do you stop a kidnapper from putting you in the back of a van?

Just call shotgun, now you've got the window seat.

Why should you never tell a joke to a kidnapper?

Because they’ll take you, seriously.

What’s a kidnapper’s favourite shoe?

White Vans

How do you know if your kidnapper is Canadian?

He pays your own ransom.

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

I hate it when people think I'm a kidnapper...

I'm merely a surprise adopter.

I just heard there is a new term for 'kidnapper'

Its Transparent

As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

Kidnapper? Do you mean...

Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)

Robinhood was originally a child kidnapper and murderer

But with what's going on today, it appears he also takes their money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

What kind of parties do kidnappers hate the most?

The search parties

What is a kidnapper's favorite song?

"In the arms of a stranger"

How did the kidnappers get away?

They just ransomware.

Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law..

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from?

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

It dawned on me that I was being taken for granite

as I overheard my kidnappers negotiating my release for a set of quality countertops.

The phone rang, and the kidnapper says I have your wife.

Now, pay be $1 million or I'll give her back to you.

A man received a letter from some kidnappers

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us
$100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my
promise but I hope you
will keep yours."

Shall I tell you the joke about the kidnappers?

I'd better not. You might get carried away.

What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages?

It's nice to have a captive audience.

Have you heard about the kidnapper?

He's really got away with kids.

My mother-in-law has been abducted in Argentina. When the kidnappers called me, I asked if $10000 would be ok.

They said they didn't have so much money.

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted “What the hell, man” as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

“No ...

I hate people who don't respect when I say "shotgun" nowadays

Like the kidnapper who threw me in his trunk

Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend 2 : Uhhh...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

There was a man and a woman who had a daughter named Clare toghether.

They decided it would be a good time to get married now that they have a child. However, after they get home from their big day, the find the baby has been stolen from her crib. There's a note from the kidnapper: "I now de-Clare you, husband and wife."

An immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped...

An immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped. The kidnappers threaten to shoot one of them, but promise to spare whoever has made the greater contribution to humanity. The cardiologist says, “Well, I’ve identified drugs that have saved the lives of millions of people.” Impressed, the kidnappers ...

Uga Buga or Death?

Three men who travelled to explore Africa got kidnapped by a large African tribe.
The kidnappers locked the three man in small cages and left them there with no food or water for 3 days.

After the three days had passed, the entire tribe gathered around the cages. Their leader, a huge Afric...

If I tell people about my mancave I'm a "bro"...

But if I talk about my womancave I'm a "kidnapper".

My wife has been kidnapped in Rio.

The kidnappers are willing to pay any amount for her release.

A Man's wife was kidnapped by someone

Next day the kidnapper calls the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn't show much interest.

Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn't look like he's interested in the offer.

This continues on till the time the k...

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A german a swedish and an israeli are kidnapped by ISIS

"Now infidels, you have one last wish before you are beheaded"

The german pleads for mercy
"Germany has always embraced your people, what have i done to deserve this ?"

no answer

"i.. i will have a sausage, and a good beer"

The swedish screams at the top of his lungs...

Everything get's funnier when you're sleep deprived.

The laughing creeps out the kidnappers though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

African, Mexican, and Asian Guy are Kidnapped

One day, an African guy, a Mexican guy, and an Asian guy are kidnapped. In a Saw - esque means of communication, (An old, staticy TV with the kidnapper speaking with a distorted voice and mask), the kidnapper says,

"Today I'm feeling rather unorthodox, if each of your dicks lengths, when add...

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