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Bandit Jokes

Why couldn't the cops catch the toilet bandit?

They had nothing to go on!!!

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[long] A reporter is travelling town to town in the hot Mexican desert trying to get information on the most infamous bandit El Diego.

Everywhere he went people were too scared to talk about him or even acknowledge his existence in anyway.

Every bar the reporter would visit he would be kicked out of for mentioning the name. Until one day an old man at the back of a particularly run down place said he would talk.

The...

Did you hear about the bandits smuggling feminine hygiene products down the river?

They're a real bunch of douche canoes.

How many 6-armed bandits does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just the one. Many hands make light work.

Did you hear the one about the Mexican train bandit?

He had locomotives.

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[NSFW] Black Jack, the infamous bandit

Far in the Wild West, the people of a small town were having a good time at the local bar, when suddenly someone rushes in the door and yells

"Everybody run! Black Jack, the infamous bandit is comin' to town!"

Everyone starts panicking and runs out the bar as fast as they can. The bart...

Why are my in-laws like the bandit who robbed my store at gunpoint?

I met them while staring down the barrel of a shotgun.

What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

Nein nein!

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A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

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Why did the poop bandit retire?

He got tired of taking everyone's shit

What did the Mexican say to the great cheddar bandit?

That's nacho cheese.

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What do you call a sexually repressed bandit?

Rubbin' Hood

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

The woman across the street only has one arm. My wife says I shouldn't call her bandit because her name is Debbie.

Who ever heard of a "one-armed Debbie?"

(Long)A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas....

The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.
On a hunch, he checked the tow...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

It was a dark and stormy night...

It was a dark and stormy night on buffalo hill... a group of bandits sat around a campfire... one of the bandits said to the captain, "tell us a story captain"... the captain said...
It was a dark and stormy night on buffalo hill... a group of bandits sat around a campfire... one of the bandits s...

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An old guy loses his wife.

Frustrated and looking for a new life, the guy sells everything except his SUV, converts them to a bar of gold, takes his daughter with him and starts a journey to the unknown.

On the road, bandits stop them, ask for everything they have. Girl sees that they have no chance, so she puts the ba...

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

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Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

A redditor was walking down the street.

When suddenly, the nearby bank was robbed. He stood there in shock. "This blew up" he said, not noticing the bandits running towards him with gold bars.

The fleeing gang hadnt had where to go, so they dumped a bit of gold to our redditor, "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger" was all he said...

Saw this joke performed a few years back. Enjoy.

Three men are wandering the woods, and are captured by bandits. The bandits line them up and are ready to shoot them, when out of nowhere, the first man yells "Tornado!"

Everyone looks around in a panic, and by the time they realize there isn't a tornado, the first man is gone. The bandits g...

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious f...

How do thieves kiss?

They make out like bandits.

Ed's father taught him how to ride a goat at a young age.

He showed him where the little saddle goes, and how to position the bridle.

Ed mastered the art of goat riding. The slightest pull from the reigns and the goat would stop. The lightest touch of the spurs on it's haunches and the goat would gallop full speed.

Ed named the goat Geronimo...

A Cowboy and an Indian

A grizzled old Cowboy and his Indian brave partner are tracking an infamous gang of buffalo rustlers through the wild west. The Cowboy stops and exhales gruffly, thinking they've lost the bandits' trail. The Indian holds up a finger to the wind. Then leans down as if listening to the earth.
He p...

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So a woman wakes up one night to the sound of breaking glass.

She looks out the window and is shocked to see three men breaking into her garage. Quietly, she calls 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Some men are breaking into my shed."

"Alright, sit tight. No officers are available now, but we'll send someone as soon as we can" the opera...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon, riding over a town with a mountain in the distance. As the mountain approaches, the sudden realization hits that they will not clear mountain.

In a last-ditch effort, they try to throw out everything they can. The first soldier throws out their weapon...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

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