UPJOKE
murderrevengemurdererassassinsassassinationpakistanmaniacworld war iihitmanpoliticsbodyguardregicideold testamentsniperassassinate

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

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The opposite of assassin

is dickdickout

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

What's an assassin's favourite type of restaurant?

A take-out restaurant

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

A celebrity, assassin, and activist walk into a bar.

They stand beside each other and have a friendly conversation.

Suddenly, the assassin takes the knife out and flat out murders the celebrity. He then dumps her in a nearby trash can.

The activist turns red and screamed, “You bloody monster! You didn’t put her in the plastic section!”

I gave an assassin a gift for Christmas

It was a hit

What do you call a lizard that's an assassin?

A cold-blooded killer

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

Why did the failed assassin decide to become a cashier again?

Because he missed his Target

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I m...

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What has 2 butts and kills people?

Assassin

What's the difference between a nerd and a paid assassin?

One hits the books and the other books a hit.

What do boxers and assassins have in common?

They both hitmen

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The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

A kid comes home from school…

…He runs to his mother with tears in his eyes.

“Mom, mom!” he cries, “The kids at school were calling me a hired assassin today!”

His mother looks at him and says: “Don’t worry, son. Tomorrow I’ll swing by the school and settle things.”

“Alright mom,” the child says, “but make i...

What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

Did you hear about the assassination of the Egyptian president in 1981?

He never Sadat coming.



ps: it was actually in 1980, my bad

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

What do you call a shrimp assassin?

Prawn Wick

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...

History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.

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2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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A man went to an assassin

A man went to an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's ...

Our assassin-hiring firm has recently moved offshore -

no business shall be conducted on continental grounds!

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

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A robot priest, an assassin, and his target walk into a bar

The assassin goes in for the kill, but the robot notices he has a knife, however, there's not much he can do - He's a rusty robot already, so he prays.

The assassin, now really close to the target, tries to stab the target. Suddenly, an angelic hand appears and stops him at the last moment. T...

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

Why was Abraham Lincoln assassinated?

Because he was sitting in John Wilke's Booth!



I thought of this like 10 years ago, and I believe it is a quality joke of which nobody I have told has heard, and a handful of social studies teachers through school were impressed with. One of my prouder moments. lol

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What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex?

So no head?

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What does a horny assassin do?

Netflix and Kill.

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

What do you call an italian assassin?

A provo-lone gunman

Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?

He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of ...

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

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Who is the best assassin to ever live?

Adolf Hitler, he killed Adolf Hitler.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

What does an assassin use to make his armour?

Hide

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?

Ambushed.

I’m still working on this one

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

"Killing them with kindness is a lot harder than I thought"

said the assassin

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

John Cena, Bruce Willis, and a master assassin walk into a bar

"H-h-hello? W-w-who's there?!" asked the bartender to the front doors that just opened on their own.

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

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An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought

He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.

'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

Six Assassins Walk into a Bar

The first assassin is killed with a gunshot to the head by the second, who is in turn shot in the neck from the third assassin, who succumbs to a hole in the chest from the fourth, who bleeds out from a gun to the temple from the fifth, who gets executed by the sixth.

"W-what can I do for you...

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says. ...

If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout?

"Donald, duck"

Being an assassin would be so cool

People would kill to have that job

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Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed?

Because Ubisoft

I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

What do assassins do when they have nothing to do?

They kill time

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin.

It eats shoots and leaves.

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

The media keeps trying to assassinate the character of Donald Trump and I think it is a waste of time...

You can't assassinate what isn't there.

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.

He reacted by immediately grabbing a knife next to him and throwing it into her chest.

I guess he had tequila.

Everyone knows JFK was assassinated

That's a no brainer

Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?

He burns his lips on the tail pipes.

Have you heard about the storytelling assassin?

He specializes in surprise endings

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

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