What's an assassin's favourite type of restaurant?

A take-out restaurant

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The opposite of assassin

is dickdickout

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Did you hear about the assassination of the Egyptian president in 1981?

He never Sadat coming.



ps: it was actually in 1980, my bad

What's the difference between a nerd and a paid assassin?

One hits the books and the other books a hit.

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about the Reagan assassination...

But I can’t get any of them to hit

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

What do you call a shrimp assassin?

Prawn Wick

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

Why was Abraham Lincoln assassinated?

Because he was sitting in John Wilke's Booth!



I thought of this like 10 years ago, and I believe it is a quality joke of which nobody I have told has heard, and a handful of social studies teachers through school were impressed with. One of my prouder moments. lol

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2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

Our assassin-hiring firm has recently moved offshore -

no business shall be conducted on continental grounds!

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

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What has two butts and kills people?

An Assassin.

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?

Ambushed.

I’m still working on this one

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

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What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex?

So no head?

What's mob assassin's favourite part of cake?

The icing

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

the job description of a fart who is also an assassin?

Silent but deadly

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

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A robot priest, an assassin, and his target walk into a bar

The assassin goes in for the kill, but the robot notices he has a knife, however, there's not much he can do - He's a rusty robot already, so he prays.

The assassin, now really close to the target, tries to stab the target. Suddenly, an angelic hand appears and stops him at the last moment. T...

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

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A man went to an assassin

A man went to an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's ...

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

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Who is the best assassin to ever live?

Adolf Hitler, he killed Adolf Hitler.

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

What would happen if Donald Trump was about to be assassinated?

Secret Service would shout "Donald, Duck!"

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

Jabba the Hutt hosts a piano playing competition.

So, several hundred musicians from across many galaxies gather in order to compete. Jabba is also competing, of course, and the song he picks to play is the Faerie's Aire. Now, he gets cybernetic implants just so he can play a complicated piece, but he believes that his piece alone played at a fairl...

What did a client say to an assassin called Jaro?

Kill-a-man-Jaro

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

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Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed?

Because Ubisoft

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of ...

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

John Cena, Bruce Willis, and a master assassin walk into a bar

"H-h-hello? W-w-who's there?!" asked the bartender to the front doors that just opened on their own.

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

What does an assassin use to make his armour?

Hide

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

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What does a horny assassin do?

Netflix and Kill.

The media keeps trying to assassinate the character of Donald Trump and I think it is a waste of time...

You can't assassinate what isn't there.

Everyone knows JFK was assassinated

That's a no brainer

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

Why are assassins so good at dates?

Because they know how to take someone out.

Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

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An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought

He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.

'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

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Why do black people only have nightmares

Because the last black person to have a dream got assassinated

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says. ...

How Much Will Trump's Assassination Insurance Cost

One Pence

Being an assassin would be so cool

People would kill to have that job

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I am a Hitman

I was going after a female target. When she and I were together and I was planning to assassinate her when my knees went weak and butterflies were in my stomach. Then I realized that I poisoned the wrong glass.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

I really admire assassins.

Not because of the genius way that they go about their craft, but because they managed to get "ass" in the same word twice.

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A man hires an assassin and meets him outside his house. He tells his wife he is going to play golf. He knows his wife is cheating on him and he wants to get rid of her and her lover.

"I want one bullet in my wife's head and the other in that bastard's dick"
The assassin replied calmly, aiming down his sights.
"Well, as of now, I only need one."

Long Range Sniper Rifle: $5,000. Hiring an assassin: $10,000.

Having Mike Pence assassinated? Viceless.

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

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