The 82+ Best Assassin Jokes

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

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$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

Halving the time of your life.

Where does an assassin order his trinkets from?

Etsy-o.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

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The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

Today is the 60th anniversary of the JFK assassination

That just blows my mind

What did the failed assassin say to the other?

«Do you wanna have a stab at it?»

Artie the Assassin

There once was an assassin named Artie. Artie's specialty was killing his victims by choking them to death. One day, Artie was given a $10,000 contract to kill a sleazy stockbroker. Artie went to the stockbroker\`s office and choked him to death. Just as the stockbroker died, his secretary came ...

I gave an assassin a gift for Christmas

It was a hit

A celebrity, assassin, and activist walk into a bar.

They stand beside each other and have a friendly conversation.

Suddenly, the assassin takes the knife out and flat out murders the celebrity. He then dumps her in a nearby trash can.

The activist turns red and screamed, “You bloody monster! You didn’t put her in the plastic section!”

What do you call a boring assassin?

A Drycleaner

There used to be a school for assassins in New York

It was actually the place where John Wick was trained.

The school would take in orphans and abandoned children and train them, from a young age, to be merciless killers.

As one might imagine, it was a very harsh environment for anyone to grow up, in fact the only real love and affectio...

What music do assassins listen to?

Hits.

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

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A man went to an assassin

A man went to an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's ...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

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The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

In other news, the president's non-binary spouse has been assassinated

The suspect's family claims he was inspired by First-Person Shooters

What's an assassin's favourite drink?

Iced-coffe

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says. ...

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What does a horny assassin do?

Netflix and Kill.

What do you call it when you get killed by a femboy assassin?

A femme fatality.

Why did the failed assassin decide to become a cashier again?

Because he missed his Target

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

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Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed?

Because Ubisoft

What's the difference between a nerd and a paid assassin?

One hits the books and the other books a hit.

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What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have H2O."

The second one says, "I'd also like water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated.

On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

What do you call an italian assassin?

A provo-lone gunman

What do boxers and assassins have in common?

They both hitmen

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2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of ...

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

Our assassin-hiring firm has recently moved offshore -

no business shall be conducted on continental grounds!

If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout?

"Donald, duck"

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

What did a client say to an assassin called Jaro?

Kill-a-man-Jaro

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

Being an assassin would be so cool

People would kill to have that job

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

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Who is the best assassin to ever live?

Adolf Hitler, he killed Adolf Hitler.

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls...

What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin.

It eats shoots and leaves.

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

Everyone knows JFK was assassinated

That's a no brainer

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

John Cena, Bruce Willis, and a master assassin walk into a bar

"H-h-hello? W-w-who's there?!" asked the bartender to the front doors that just opened on their own.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

I really admire assassins.

Not because of the genius way that they go about their craft, but because they managed to get "ass" in the same word twice.

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

What do assassins do when they have nothing to do?

They kill time

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

What do hired assassins, snipers, and hit men talk about at their backyard BBQs?

They all share stories of their smoked meets.

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

Why are hipsters such great assassins?

Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.

How Much Will Trump's Assassination Insurance Cost

One Pence

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought

He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.

'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

What is an assassin's favorite element?

What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)

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