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Assassin Jokes

What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

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There was an opening for an assassin in the CIA

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

Halving the time of your life.

What do you call a boring assassin?

A Drycleaner

Artie the Assassin

There once was an assassin named Artie. Artie's specialty was killing his victims by choking them to death. One day, Artie was given a $10,000 contract to kill a sleazy stockbroker. Artie went to the stockbroker\`s office and choked him to death. Just as the stockbroker died, his secretary came ...

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

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What has two butts and kills in the dark?

Assassin

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

In other news, the president's non-binary spouse has been assassinated

The suspect's family claims he was inspired by First-Person Shooters

What music do assassins listen to?

Hits.

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated.

On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

What do you call a lizard that's an assassin?

A cold-blooded killer

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

I gave an assassin a gift for Christmas

It was a hit

A celebrity, assassin, and activist walk into a bar.

They stand beside each other and have a friendly conversation.

Suddenly, the assassin takes the knife out and flat out murders the celebrity. He then dumps her in a nearby trash can.

The activist turns red and screamed, “You bloody monster! You didn’t put her in the plastic section!”

My friend got killed by a donkey

Some say he was assassinated

Why did the failed assassin decide to become a cashier again?

Because he missed his Target

What's the difference between a nerd and a paid assassin?

One hits the books and the other books a hit.

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

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The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

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The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

What's an assassin's favourite drink?

Iced-coffe

What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do boxers and assassins have in common?

They both hitmen

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A man went to an assassin

A man went to an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's ...

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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What does a horny assassin do?

Netflix and Kill.

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

Our assassin-hiring firm has recently moved offshore -

no business shall be conducted on continental grounds!

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

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A robot priest, an assassin, and his target walk into a bar

The assassin goes in for the kill, but the robot notices he has a knife, however, there's not much he can do - He's a rusty robot already, so he prays.

The assassin, now really close to the target, tries to stab the target. Suddenly, an angelic hand appears and stops him at the last moment. T...

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about the Reagan assassination...

But I can’t get any of them to hit

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2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?

He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of ...

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

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An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought

He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.

'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says. ...

Being an assassin would be so cool

People would kill to have that job

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

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Who is the best assassin to ever live?

Adolf Hitler, he killed Adolf Hitler.

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

What does an assassin use to make his armour?

Hide

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

Why was Abraham Lincoln assassinated?

Because he was sitting in John Wilke's Booth!



I thought of this like 10 years ago, and I believe it is a quality joke of which nobody I have told has heard, and a handful of social studies teachers through school were impressed with. One of my prouder moments. lol

If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout?

"Donald, duck"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed?

Because Ubisoft

What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

John Cena, Bruce Willis, and a master assassin walk into a bar

"H-h-hello? W-w-who's there?!" asked the bartender to the front doors that just opened on their own.

I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?

Ambushed.

I’m still working on this one

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin.

It eats shoots and leaves.

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?

He burns his lips on the tail pipes.

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.

He reacted by immediately grabbing a knife next to him and throwing it into her chest.

I guess he had tequila.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Have you heard about the storytelling assassin?

He specializes in surprise endings

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

What do assassins do when they have nothing to do?

They kill time

Did you hear about the assassin who killed his girlfriend?

He took her out on a date!

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