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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

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The opposite of assassin

is dickdickout

What's an assassin's favourite type of restaurant?

A take-out restaurant

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

What do hired assassins, snipers, and hit men talk about at their backyard BBQs?

They all share stories of their smoked meets.

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2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

the CIA is hiring an assassin and they are down to the last three candidate of two men and one woman.

so the test operator goes to the first man, hands him a gun, and says this. "your wife is in that room, go in and shoot her". the first man drops the gun and says there is no way he is going to do that. so the test operator hands the gun to the second man and says the same thing. He goes and puts hi...

What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

Our assassin-hiring firm has recently moved offshore -

no business shall be conducted on continental grounds!

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

#

You know what I think when JFK was assassinated?

I think it was unpresidented.

the job description of a fart who is also an assassin?

Silent but deadly

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?

Ambushed.

I’m still working on this one

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

What's mob assassin's favourite part of cake?

The icing

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What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex?

So no head?

What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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Why do black people only have nightmares

Because the last black person to have a dream got assassinated

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.


<...

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I am a Hitman

I was going after a female target. When she and I were together and I was planning to assassinate her when my knees went weak and butterflies were in my stomach. Then I realized that I poisoned the wrong glass.

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

In America, you assassinate the president...

In Russia, the president assassinates you!

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

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Who is the best assassin to ever live?

Adolf Hitler, he killed Adolf Hitler.

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

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A man went to an assassin

A man went to an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's ...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

What do you call an italian assassin?

A provo-lone gunman

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

John Cena, Bruce Willis, and a master assassin walk into a bar

"H-h-hello? W-w-who's there?!" asked the bartender to the front doors that just opened on their own.

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

What does an assassin use to make his armour?

Hide

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri...

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

What would happen if Donald Trump was about to be assassinated?

Secret Service would shout "Donald, Duck!"

The media keeps trying to assassinate the character of Donald Trump and I think it is a waste of time...

You can't assassinate what isn't there.

The bodyguards of the POTUS used to shout "Get down, Mr. president!" during assassination attempts

Now they just say "Donald, duck"

Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?

He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.

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Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed?

Because Ubisoft

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of ...

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

Everyone knows JFK was assassinated

That's a no brainer

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

Just a thought. How important/famous do you have to be

For your death to be considered an assassination instead of a murder?

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

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An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought

He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.

'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

Modern times:- Success is when your "signature" turns into "autograph", In olden times Success is

Success is if your "murder" turns into "assassination".

Why are assassins so good at dates?

Because they know how to take someone out.

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

My eldest put together a Dora joke

When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.

My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.

He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just...

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

I really admire assassins.

Not because of the genius way that they go about their craft, but because they managed to get "ass" in the same word twice.

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

How Much Will Trump's Assassination Insurance Cost

One Pence

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