UPJOKE
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Wife: Flat heads, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew she was the one.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

A screwdriver turns in screws, and Bill screws interns

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.

It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

This is the hammer, this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench...

...you know the drill.

A screwdriver Walks into a bar and takes a seat in front of the bartender.

Bartender notices and heads his way over then says “hey bud, we’ve got a drink named after you so here’s one on the house”

Confused, the screwdriver asks “wait, you have a drink named Steve?”

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A man walks in to a bar and orders a gin and tonic

The bartender grabs an apple from underneath the counter and hands it to the man. The man looks at the apple confused, but the bartender encourages him to take a bite and so he does.

"Amazing, this apple tastes exactly like gin", says the man. "Taste the other side" the bartender says and to ...

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head

. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"





Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

What kind of driver doesn’t need a licence?

A screwdriver

I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."

I was too shocked to reply.

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What kind of blowjob does a screwdriver give?

Flathead

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

A screwdriver walks into a bar..

bartender says, we have a drink named after you, to which the screwdriver responds "you have a drink named eric?"

Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver...

the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.

Andre the Giant takes a commercial flight

The Giant is seated in a bulkhead seat for extra space. It’s still a tight fit for this behemoth of a man. He starts to take apart the armrest between his seat and the one next to him in hopes of creating a bit more space before takeoff. A flight attendant approached him asking if she could get h...

How did the nails get to work?

With a Screwdriver

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

How many screwdrivers does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

I've already had four and the damn thing hasn't even budged.

Screwdriver

Someone who takes the herd of screws from the ranch to the market.

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Why is it called car sex and not

Screwdriver!

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

Want a screwdriver?

Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.

"Might as well, I can't get this damned hubcap off."

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What'll ya have?"

The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

A drill was waiting on a sidewalk

A car pulled over and the driver, a hammer, asked : how much for some good time?

The drill : sorry I don't screwdrivers.

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

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Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he’d like his top-notch bourbon on the house. “No thanks,” Hitler replies. “I’ll just take a screwdriver.” One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar...

Three children talking to each other...

The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."

The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."

The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

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So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

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A black guy gets a flat

So he pulls over on the side of the road. He takes the jack out of the trunk and lifts the car up with it. Halfway through removing the wheel, another guys runs up with a screwdriver and starts removing the radio in a hurry. The black guy asks him "What the fuck are you doing?", to which the other r...

The lady of the manor is out for a drive...

...and, in defiance of all probability and the manufacturer's promise, the Rolls-Royce grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere. So the chauffeur gets out and, finding himself unable to call the RAC, decided he'd better see what he can do for himself.

After a while, milady gets out of the ca...

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

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What do you call a chauffer for prostitutes?

A screwdriver

I have a friend named Phillip

He loves mixing orange juice and vodka. Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.

It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.

Flat Tire

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when
they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying
to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

If anyone sees Phillip...

...tell him I have his screwdriver.

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A wealthy woman was being driven around by her

chauffeur when her limousine had a flat tire.

The chauffeur got out and started to change the tire. After seeing him struggle trying to remove the hubcap for over five minutes, she called out the window, "Would you like a screwdriver?”

"We might as well," he answered. "I can't get the ...

3 men on a plane

3 men are on a plane and the plane is about to crash. They each try to throw something out of the plane to reduce weight. The first man throws a wrench. The second man throws a screwdriver. The third man throws a bomb. Well the plane crash lands and the men are walking down a street. They come ac...

Why did the golfer's shots always fly in a spiral pattern?

He was using a screwdriver.

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A little boy with a funny looking bellybutton

A little boy was born with what appeared to be a golden Phillips head screw for a bellybutton. As he grew older, everyday he would pray to the Lord and plead that some day he would have a normal bellybutton like the other kids.

One day, after an unusually long and teary prayer session, he ...

The chauffeur

A beautiful woman was being driven around when the car suddenly got a flat tire. The chauffeur opened the trunk and got the jack out, but he couldn't find the tire iron anywhere.
Still, he jacked up the car and tried everything he could to remove the tire. After 15 minutes of him getting nowhere...

My father sent me this today..

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which un...

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The Driver (OC)

A few years back, a bus driver was caught having sex inside his bus - [True Story](http://www.maltastar.com/dart/20130116-arriva-driver-caught-having-sex-in-bus)

He shall be forever known as "The Screwdriver".

What does a screw do if it wants to be chauffeured.

It gets a Screwdriver.

The chauffeur is driving the rich girl back to college

when they have a flat. He jacks up the car and tries to pry off the hubcap, to no avail. The rich girl, standing there watching picks up a tool, turns around and says, "Want a screwdriver?"
The chauffeur, with out looking up, says "Might as well, can't get this damn hubcap off."

What is an euphemism for FakeTaxi?

Screwdriver

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