A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head

. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

A screwdriver turns in screws, and Bill screws interns

How many screwdrivers does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

I've already had four and the damn thing hasn't even budged.

A screwdriver walks into a bar..

bartender says, we have a drink named after you, to which the screwdriver responds "you have a drink named eric?"

I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."

I was too shocked to reply.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the repairman has come to repair a septic tank, along with his apprentice, Jim.

When he arrives, he puts on a pair of goggles and dives in the shit, while Jim stands nearby, holding the toolbag.

5 minutes later, he lifts his head out of the shit and tells Jim: "Hey, you idiot, give me a flat-headed screwdriver"

Jim hands him the screwdriver and Bob dives again in ...

This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Yorkshire ripper walks into a bar.

He asks the girl at the bar "hello darlin, can I get you a cocktail?"

"Yes please, I'll have a tequila sunrise" she says.

"No you won't" he replies angrily "you'll have a fucking screwdriver like the rest!"

What’s another word for FakeTaxi?

Screwdriver

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

What do you call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?

A tool eater bottle.

Why did the golfer's shots always fly in a spiral pattern?

He was using a screwdriver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver...

the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.

Want a screwdriver?

Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.

"Might as well, I can't get this damned hubcap off."

What does a screw do if it wants to be chauffeured.

It gets a Screwdriver.

The Terminator T-100 walks into a bar and says,

"Gimmie a screwdriver! I need to loosen up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie but a goody. NSFW

A pretty young lady walking down the street notices a limousine on the side of the road. The chauffeur is trying to wrangle a flat tyre off the vehicle.

Fascinated she stops to watch. The chauffeur is having a hard time and no apparent luck in getting this tyre off.

She looks into his...

I have a friend named Phillip

He loves mixing orange juice and vodka. Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.

It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

Three children talking to each other...

The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."

The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."

The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man gets fired from his job...

...And dreading going home to his wife, he instead heads to a nearby bar. The man saddles up to the bar and orders a Jack and Coke. The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.

"I said a Jack and Coke," complains the man. "Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he’d like his top-notch bourbon on the house. “No thanks,” Hitler replies. “I’ll just take a screwdriver.” One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar...

The lady of the manor is out for a drive...

...and, in defiance of all probability and the manufacturer's promise, the Rolls-Royce grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere. So the chauffeur gets out and, finding himself unable to call the RAC, decided he'd better see what he can do for himself.

After a while, milady gets out of the ca...

What do you call a hooker with a car?

A screwdriver

3 men on a plane

3 men are on a plane and the plane is about to crash. They each try to throw something out of the plane to reduce weight. The first man throws a wrench. The second man throws a screwdriver. The third man throws a bomb. Well the plane crash lands and the men are walking down a street. They come ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black guy gets a flat

So he pulls over on the side of the road. He takes the jack out of the trunk and lifts the car up with it. Halfway through removing the wheel, another guys runs up with a screwdriver and starts removing the radio in a hurry. The black guy asks him "What the fuck are you doing?", to which the other r...

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

I was working at a transportation company that specializes in construction material

I'm a screwdriver

If anyone sees Phillip...

...tell him I have his screwdriver.

My father sent me this today..

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which un...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy with a funny looking bellybutton

A little boy was born with what appeared to be a golden Phillips head screw for a bellybutton. As he grew older, everyday he would pray to the Lord and plead that some day he would have a normal bellybutton like the other kids.

One day, after an unusually long and teary prayer session, he ...

The chauffeur

A beautiful woman was being driven around when the car suddenly got a flat tire. The chauffeur opened the trunk and got the jack out, but he couldn't find the tire iron anywhere.
Still, he jacked up the car and tried everything he could to remove the tire. After 15 minutes of him getting nowhere...

The chauffeur is driving the rich girl back to college

when they have a flat. He jacks up the car and tries to pry off the hubcap, to no avail. The rich girl, standing there watching picks up a tool, turns around and says, "Want a screwdriver?"
The chauffeur, with out looking up, says "Might as well, can't get this damn hubcap off."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Driver (OC)

A few years back, a bus driver was caught having sex inside his bus - [True Story](http://www.maltastar.com/dart/20130116-arriva-driver-caught-having-sex-in-bus)

He shall be forever known as "The Screwdriver".

The plumber comes to fix some things in the house...

...and little Ernie follows him everywhere.

When the plumber pulls out a screwdriver, little Ernie says, ”My Dad has two of those.”

The plumber smiles and pulls out a wrench.

”My Dad has two of those,” says Ernie.

The plumber smiles again and carries on working.

W...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.