UPJOKE
thiefrobberytheftmuggerburglarburglarybanditpickpocketheistkidnappergangsterthugcopmurderersteal

Robber Jokes

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

What did the robber say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Did you hear about the Mexican train robber?

He had locomotives.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Two Robbers hold up a liquor store

One of them picks up a bottle and asked, "Is this Whiskey?!". The other one replies "Well not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
\-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
\-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another cu...

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

What's the difference between a Robber and a Peeping Tom?

A Robber snatches watches........

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to...

A robber that really had to pee walked into a grocery store

A robber that really had to pee walked into a grocery store to steal some wares.

The cashier says “please, take anything!”

The robber said “I’m just gonna take a leek”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

Two grave robbers walk into a bar

They go to a corner and start playing poker together.

An hour later the first grave robber goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks, “what happened? You look upset.”
The grave robber replies, “i just lost an arm and a leg!”

Have you heard of grave robbers?

Apparently the catholic Church didn't get that message

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

Cops And Robbers has added a third player to the mix

Now, the game is called Cops, Robbers, and Witnesses With Phones.

A robber came into my daycare and stole all my Doctor Seuss books

It was a nursery crime.

A robber is about to enter a house

He sees a sign that says “Beware of Dyslexic Dog” As he enters the house he thinks to himself, “How can a dog be dyslexic?

The dog then smites him

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the "No Trespassing" sign?

"It's ok because there is only two of us."

What do you call a British bank robber?

A quid-napper

What's the difference between a security guard and a child playing Cops And Robbers?

The child doesn't have a complex about pretending to be a cop.

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.

The first one said - I hear sirens. Jump.

The other replied - But we are on the 13th floor.

The first one yelled - This is no time to be superstitious.

Whats the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber ?

Nationality

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang!  The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

Did you hear about the infamous bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one's sister.

They were both outlaws and in-laws.

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.

"Remember the plan. You ready?" the brunette asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.

The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20...

There's a robbery at a bank.

One of the robbers accidentaly drops his mask. He puts it back, but he knows it is too late.

So he asks the closest man: 'Did you see anything?'

'Well, yes, I was close and...'

The robber shoots him instantly. He then goes to the second closest: 'What did you see?'

'Nothi...

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn’t turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say “I can see you! And Jesus can see you too!” The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say “I can see you! And Jesus can see yo...

Robber: Give me all your money! Me: *starts laughing* Robber: why are you laughing?

Me: I have a negative bank account balance.

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

An armed robber rushes into an estate agents and yelled....

"NOBODY MOVE"

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

What happened to the kitchen robber with a speech impediment

He took too mamy whisks

What did the cheese vendor say to the robber?

"Hey! That's nacho cheese!"

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

Me and the wife went to a bank-robber themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what does the dyslexic robber say?

put the air in your hands mother sticker this is a fuck up

Grave robbers have one rule

No grave mistakes

Robber and walker

Late one night in the capitol city an Army deserter wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a Member of Parliament!"

"In that...

Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed?

He got caught taking a leek

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bank Robber

A man walks into a bank with a ski mask and a handgun, and proceeds to make his way to the woman at the counter.

"Do what I say and nobody gets hurt" he says as he waves the gun in the woman's face

"Sir this is a sperm bank I think you must be mistaken" says the woman.

The ...

Why are Karen's so bad robbers?

Because they don't wear a mask

Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place?

Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.

Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.

A robber attacked a man and said:

-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.

Robber: I can't run anymore

Cop: looks like you need *arrest*

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down?

cause it's a fell-on-knee

Bank robber walks into the wrong building

So my friend was a bank robber before getting traumatised, he shouted "drop it" in a strip club. Longest 9 inches he's seen

What do you call an Australian grave robber?

A down-under-taker

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

A robber went into someone's house and stole all the lamps

To his surprise, he later found the owner of said house de-lighted

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.

Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “...

Why did the female robber shoot the man?

He offered her his family jewels.

A man is walking down a dark alley when he's accosted by a robber.

The robber puts a gun to his head and says, "Give me all your money, or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?'"

"Don't try to change the subject" says the robber.

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

Sgt Joe Friday was staking out a building being used by a suspected bank robber

When a witness he questioned a day earlier came up and gave him a picture of the robber's accomplice and a list of 3 banks they were going to rob. Joe Friday knew he had to get this information back to the police station. The only problem was the police station was 10 miles in the other direction an...

Robber: Your insecurities, put them in the bag

Cashier: Please, it's all I have left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

What do you call a robber with good skin?

A Smooth Criminal.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV.

A blonde runs after him and yells, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber breaks into a bank.

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “Open the vault bitch” The woman says “Sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here” The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now” The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take a jar ou...

Was about to sleep when I saw the robber last night in my house searching for money. I immediately got up.

And searched alongside with him.

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling n...

Being A Bank Robber Was Fun

But my new job as a bakery robber really takes the cake.

What’s the difference between Batman and a robber?

Batman can go into a store without Robin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault?

They didn’t know the safe word.

So i just saw a bank robber jump down some stairs while yelling about how terrible the cops were

guess you could say he was condescending

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

Recently a robber stole 300 cups worth of coffee beans

How does he sleep at night.

I went to the bank with my wife when an armed robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun.

He went up to a customer and asked "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes", so the robber shot him.

He asked another customer "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes" so the robber shot him.

He asked me "did you see my face?"

"No, but the wife did"

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before pa...

A robber corners a well-dressed man in an alleyway...

“Take out your wallet and give me all your money!” The robber says, holding a gun to the man’s chest.

“You can’t do this!” says the well-dressed man. “I’m a senator in the U.S. Congress!”

The robber doesn’t lower his gun and replies:

“Well in that case, take out your wallet and ...

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

A robber breaks into a house

and he hears a voice saying

“Jesus is watching you”

he stops but then assumes it must be just in his head. Again he hears

“Jesus is watching you”

finally he looks over and sees a parrot. He says to the parrot “what’s your name?” The parrot says “Moses” the robber repl...

An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....

A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A robber walks into a sperm bank wearing a mask and carrying a gun...

... he walks up to the counter and points the gun at the lady and shouts "open up that safe!! Now!!".

The lady says "sir, we're a sperm bank, we don't have any money on the premises".

The robber screams at her "i don't care! Take everything out of the safe and put it on the counter"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked robber enters a bank...

A masked robber enters a Sperm Bank with a gun and starts pointing it at one of the nurses.

The masked robber points to a test tube on the counter and asks the nurse, "What is this liquid?"

"Um... This is the semen that was just donated to us."

"Drink it!"

"No! Why??"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the nervous bank robber?

He charges into the bank, pulls his gun, and says to the teller, "All right mother-sticker, this is a fuck up!

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him ...

What did the bank robber say about stealing and reposting jokes on Reddit?

I’m all for getting gold, but I’m not gonna be that lazy

A rather bold robber...

Broke into the local police department and stole all of their toilets.
Cops report that they have nothing to go on.

My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...

Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

An armed robber walkes into a bank

... after he collected the money he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing this bank?" The customer says "Yes" and so the robber shoots him. He turns to a 2nd customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing that bank?". The 2nd customer also says "Yes" so the robber shoots him. He ...

What did the cauliflower bank robber say to the broccoli getaway driver?

Floret.

What does a robber take for an upset stomach?

Klepto-bismol

Grave robber

grave robber: oh no i dug up the wrong grave

me, rising from my coffin: you should have said you made a grave mistake

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.