UPJOKE
thiefrobberytheftmuggerburglarburglarybanditpickpocketheistkidnappergangsterthugcopmurderersteal

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

“Show me where the money is!”, yelled the bank robber.

Teller: “...........”.

Robber: *waving his gun* “Tell me where the money is or I’ll shoot!”

Teller: “...........”.

Penn: “He always does this”.

While driving down the road, two robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

A robber came into my daycare and stole all my Doctor Seuss books

It was a nursery crime.

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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

What did the robber say when he blew up the bank?

edit: WOW! this blew up! thanks for the gold!

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Two grave robbers walk into a bar

They go to a corner and start playing poker together.

An hour later the first grave robber goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks, “what happened? You look upset.”
The grave robber replies, “i just lost an arm and a leg!”

Me and the wife went to a bank-robber themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

Have you heard of grave robbers?

Apparently the catholic Church didn't get that message

A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police …

The police are now searching for hardened criminals.

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

Whats the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber ?

Nationality

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.

The first one said - I hear sirens. Jump.

The other replied - But we are on the 13th floor.

The first one yelled - This is no time to be superstitious.

An armed robber rushes into an estate agents and yelled....

"NOBODY MOVE"

2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.

The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says “here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you”

What do you call a British bank robber?

A quid-napper

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

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My friend told m this idk if it’s from someone else

So a pregnant lady with triplets is at a bank … and it starts getting robbed, the bank robber shoots her three times in the stomach. The doctors miraculously save each baby.




about 16 years pass and each shield is old and healthy, one girl and two boys.


The girl say...

What happened to the kitchen robber with a speech impediment

He took too mamy whisks

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn’t turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say “I can see you! And Jesus can see you too!” The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say “I can see you! And Jesus can see yo...

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A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down?

cause it's a fell-on-knee

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place?

Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.

Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.

A robber pointed his gun at a brunette in a dark alley.

He said, "I will give you until the count of 3 to give me your purse. 1...2...3". "Cops!" she screamed, pointing behind him. He looked behind, no one was there and the brunette ran away.

The robber then pointed his gun at a red head and repeated, "I will give you until the count of 3 to give ...

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

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Guy gets robbed at Gun Point

There was a Guy walking down the street at night when suddenly a robber comes from behind.

Robber: Give me your Money!

Guy: I dont have any money....

Robber: Give me your Cell Phone!

Guy: I dont have a cell phone....

Robber: What do you have?

Guy: Nothing......

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the "No Trespassing" sign?

"It's ok because there is only two of us."

What do you call an Australian grave robber?

A down-under-taker

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired?

Dig deep.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

A father and a daughter are travelling in a big foreign city

They are attacked by a group of robbers, and they are left destitute. The father breaks into tears.

"My daughter, what are we going to do now? We are doomed!" He cries, hopeless.

"No, we are not", says the daughter smiling, and hands him his wallet with all the money in place.
...

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

Why are Karen's so bad robbers?

Because they don't wear a mask

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

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what does the dyslexic robber say?

put the air in your hands mother sticker this is a fuck up

A group of organic molecules

A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and robbed all the precious jewels. A tall, strong man, armed with a gun came into the room and thrashed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful and asked for his name, to which he replied, "M...

What did the policeman say to the robber that stole a shower?

I need you to come clean!

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

A robber attacked a man and said:

-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

A robber walks up to a store owner...

A robber walks up to a store owner. He says, "Hand me all your valuables!" The store owner says, "But I'm a store owner!" The robber proceeds to say "Give me all your money!"


Later, the robber walks up to a doctor. He says, "Hand me all your valuables!" The doctor says, "But I'm a doct...

A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun!

The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head

Why did the female robber shoot the man?

He offered her his family jewels.

A robber is about to enter a house

He sees a sign that says “Beware of Dyslexic Dog” As he enters the house he thinks to himself, “How can a dog be dyslexic?

The dog then smites him

A robber went into someone's house and stole all the lamps

To his surprise, he later found the owner of said house de-lighted

In the middle of a bank robbery, a guy with no arms walks right in and says

Dont shoot. Im unarmed.

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?

Because he had a loco-motive.

Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed?

He got caught taking a leek

Robber: I can't run anymore

Cop: looks like you need *arrest*

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

A few robbers enter a bank

They broke into the safe and saw nothing but cups of yogurt. With nothing better to do, they ate the yogurt and left. They looked back at the bank when it hit them. They just robbed the sperm bank

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Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to...

Why did the robber go to the circus?

“To steal the show.” This joke was brought to you by my 2nd grade daughter. ;)

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

What do you call a robber with good skin?

A Smooth Criminal.

A robber walks into a bank.

He proceeds to take all the money and on his way out, stops and turns to a customer lying in the floor.

"Did you see me rob this bank?" asks the robber.

"Yes, sir." Replies the man, to which the robber shoots him.

The robber turns to another man and asks again, "Did you see me r...

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The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.

"Remember the plan. You ready?" the brunette asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.

The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20...

Armed robbers. Some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them...

Sgt Joe Friday was staking out a building being used by a suspected bank robber

When a witness he questioned a day earlier came up and gave him a picture of the robber's accomplice and a list of 3 banks they were going to rob. Joe Friday knew he had to get this information back to the police station. The only problem was the police station was 10 miles in the other direction an...

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A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber...

Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!

Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.

Robber: *thinks*

Robber: Then give back all my money!

Why do mathematicians make horrible robbers?

They always leave all the proofs.

Robber: Give me all your money! Me: *starts laughing* Robber: why are you laughing?

Me: I have a negative bank account balance.

Robber and walker

Late one night in the capitol city an Army deserter wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a Member of Parliament!"

"In that...

What's the difference between an archaeologist and a grave robber?

The robber does the crime, then does the time. The archaeologist does the time, then the crime.

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My mum always told me to lock the doors or else robbers are going to take away everything I have

Guess who'll lose his virginity tonight

Robber: Your insecurities, put them in the bag

Cashier: Please, it's all I have left

What did the cheese vendor say to the robber?

"Hey! That's nacho cheese!"

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling n...

The 3 robbers

There was a group of 3 robbers, one named billy, one named, bob, and one named jeff. One day jeff suggested that they rob a bank. They all thought that this was a good idea so they found a bank and the next day after they planned t out they went to rob it. However once they got to the safe the reali...

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

Being A Bank Robber Was Fun

But my new job as a bakery robber really takes the cake.

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

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A robber breaks into a bank.

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “Open the vault bitch” The woman says “Sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here” The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now” The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take a jar ou...

What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a bank robber?

A bank robber steals something of value.

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My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

I went to the bank with my wife when an armed robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun.

He went up to a customer and asked "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes", so the robber shot him.

He asked another customer "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes" so the robber shot him.

He asked me "did you see my face?"

"No, but the wife did"

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So robbers broke into my house and stole all the soap,

Dirty bastards, but than the cops came and did a full report. The cops said they got away clean.

So i just saw a bank robber jump down some stairs while yelling about how terrible the cops were

guess you could say he was condescending

An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....

A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

What’s the difference between Batman and a robber?

Batman can go into a store without Robin!

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Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault?

They didn’t know the safe word.

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him ...

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Bank Robber

A man walks into a bank with a ski mask and a handgun, and proceeds to make his way to the woman at the counter.

"Do what I say and nobody gets hurt" he says as he waves the gun in the woman's face

"Sir this is a sperm bank I think you must be mistaken" says the woman.

The ...

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