What did the robber say when he blew up the bank?

edit: WOW! this blew up! thanks for the gold!

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

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A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.

The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says “here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you”

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekl...

What happened to the kitchen robber with a speech impediment

He took too mamy whisks

Bank Robber: Where's the safe?

Teller:

Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE
SAFE?

Teller:

Bank Robber: WTF!!

Penn: He always does this.

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

What do you call a British bank robber?

A quid-napper

Robber in sperm bank. (From reddit comments)

A masked robber storms into a sperm bank and demands everything from the safe. The girl at the counter makes a point about this being a sperm bank without any money, but the robber insists on getting the safes contents. The girl goes backdoor and returns with about a dozen of samples when the robber...

why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down?

cause it's a fell-on-knee

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate t...

The Greek president called the British thieves who stole the Sculptures from the Parthenon and won't give them back.

The British parliament was outraged by the illiterate accusations! People who openly take your property and threaten you with death are called robbers, not thieves

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,

"This is no time to be superstitious."

The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

He then asked, "Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward".

After the robber ...

Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place?

Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.

Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn’t turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say “I can see you! And Jesus can see you too!” The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say “I can see you! And Jesus can see yo...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank. As they are running out carrying their stolen goods, the police begin to chase them down an alleyway.

Running down the alley, the robbers find three large sacks of potatoes to hide behind. "Quick!" said the brunette, hide behind here!"

Th...

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

Why are Karen's so bad robbers?

Because they don't wear a mask

Robber runs into a real estate agents office and shouts

Nobody move

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller

Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

A robber pointed his gun at a brunette in a dark alley.

He said, "I will give you until the count of 3 to give me your purse. 1...2...3". "Cops!" she screamed, pointing behind him. He looked behind, no one was there and the brunette ran away.

The robber then pointed his gun at a red head and repeated, "I will give you until the count of 3 to give ...

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired?

Dig deep.

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

What do you call an Australian grave robber?

A down-under-taker

The burglar just broke into the old lady's house.

He sneaks around and hears someone saying in a raspy voice "The Jesys sees you!"

He got scared but decided to track down the person, that spoke.

He sees a parrot in the cage. Then he hears the parrot say "The Jesus sees you!"

He says "Oh. A talking parrot. What's your name, budd...

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

A bank robber storms out of the bank with his loot

Outside the bank he sees three pedestrians passing by. He points his gun at the first one and asks: Did you see what just happened? Yes says the guy, and so the robber shoots him.
He points his gun at the second guy and repeats his question. Did you see what just happened? The second guy says: No...

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

A few robbers enter a bank

They broke into the safe and saw nothing but cups of yogurt. With nothing better to do, they ate the yogurt and left. They looked back at the bank when it hit them. They just robbed the sperm bank

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

What did the policeman say to the robber that stole a shower?

I need you to come clean!

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

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A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

A robber breaks into a house to see a naked couple at it......

He quickly ties them up at gunpoint and goes around the whole house collecting all the valuables, when the tied up man pleads "Please untie her and let her go, you can keep me tied up for as long as you want"
"Do u love you your wife that much? "
"No!" sighs the man "she's the neighbours wife....

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A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang!  The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

A robber walks up to a store owner...

A robber walks up to a store owner. He says, "Hand me all your valuables!" The store owner says, "But I'm a store owner!" The robber proceeds to say "Give me all your money!"


Later, the robber walks up to a doctor. He says, "Hand me all your valuables!" The doctor says, "But I'm a doct...

A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun!

The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head

Why did the female robber shoot the man?

He offered her his family jewels.

What’s the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber?

A grave robber doesn’t have a permit.

Armed robbers. Some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them...

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

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Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber?

He ran into the bank shouting "air in the hands motherstickers this is a fuck up"

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the "No Trespassing" sign?

"It's ok because there is only two of us."

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

The 3 robbers

There was a group of 3 robbers, one named billy, one named, bob, and one named jeff. One day jeff suggested that they rob a bank. They all thought that this was a good idea so they found a bank and the next day after they planned t out they went to rob it. However once they got to the safe the reali...

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?

Because he had a loco-motive.

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My mum always told me to lock the doors or else robbers are going to take away everything I have

Guess who'll lose his virginity tonight

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A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

Robber: I can't run anymore

Cop: looks like you need *arrest*

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

A robber attacked a man and said:

-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.

A robber went into someone's house and stole all the lamps

To his surprise, he later found the owner of said house de-lighted

Robber and walker

Late one night in the capitol city an Army deserter wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a Member of Parliament!"

"In that...

As the robber was standing in my house I begged once more, "Please, I have three children and a wife!"

He answered: "For the last time dude i'm not going to shoot you"

Why do mathematicians make horrible robbers?

They always leave all the proofs.

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

A robber is about to enter a house

He sees a sign that says “Beware of Dyslexic Dog” As he enters the house he thinks to himself, “How can a dog be dyslexic?

The dog then smites him

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

A robber walks into a bank.

He proceeds to take all the money and on his way out, stops and turns to a customer lying in the floor.

"Did you see me rob this bank?" asks the robber.

"Yes, sir." Replies the man, to which the robber shoots him.

The robber turns to another man and asks again, "Did you see me r...

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The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.

"Remember the plan. You ready?" the brunette asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.

The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20...

Robber: Your insecurities, put them in the bag

Cashier: Please, it's all I have left

A serial burglar goes on a spree

A serial burglar goes on a spree, robbing homes in an affluent neighborhood. Day after day he steals thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, cash, and other small easily transportable valuables. No one can figure out how he does it because half the time the victims are home at the time, but they neve...

[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

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A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

Why did the robber go to the circus?

“To steal the show.” This joke was brought to you by my 2nd grade daughter. ;)

Robber: Give me all your money! Me: *starts laughing* Robber: why are you laughing?

Me: I have a negative bank account balance.

What do you call a robber with good skin?

A Smooth Criminal.

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So robbers broke into my house and stole all the soap,

Dirty bastards, but than the cops came and did a full report. The cops said they got away clean.

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My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

Police were chasing two robbers

...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed?

He got caught taking a leek

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A robber breaks into a bank.

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “Open the vault bitch” The woman says “Sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here” The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now” The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take a jar ou...

Being A Bank Robber Was Fun

But my new job as a bakery robber really takes the cake.

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

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Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to...

What’s the difference between Batman and a robber?

Batman can go into a store without Robin!

A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber...

Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!

Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.

Robber: *thinks*

Robber: Then give back all my money!

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Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault?

They didn’t know the safe word.

What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a bank robber?

A bank robber steals something of value.

Two Grave Robbers Found Where Beethoven Was Burried.

They dig for a while and finally get to his coffin.

They open it up, only to see him erasing all the music that was buried with him.

Terrified, one of the grave robbers screams!

The other one turns to him and says, "hey man, calm down! He's just decomposing."

So i just saw a bank robber jump down some stairs while yelling about how terrible the cops were

guess you could say he was condescending

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling n...

There have been a lot of bakery robbers lately...

But this one takes the cake.

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

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My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s.

A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence.

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

What did the cheese vendor say to the robber?

"Hey! That's nacho cheese!"

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before pa...

A robber corners a well-dressed man in an alleyway...

“Take out your wallet and give me all your money!” The robber says, holding a gun to the man’s chest.

“You can’t do this!” says the well-dressed man. “I’m a senator in the U.S. Congress!”

The robber doesn’t lower his gun and replies:

“Well in that case, take out your wallet and ...

What do bank robbers eat for dessert?

Heist Cream

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