UPJOKE
intruderprowlerpsychopathharasserintimidationmaniackidnappermurderersociopathassassinthiefkillerpaparazzovoyeurunited states

What’s a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common?

They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

Claire’s been telling all her friends about how I’m a stalker.

She’s texting- hang on, there’s some glare on the window...

I have a stalker.

A family member who’s moved into our house this year. He follows me into my bedroom and the bathroom. He always sneaks into my bed or under it when I’m half asleep. And worse, he gets so close to me when I’m trying to eat, watching me take every bite. Worse, he has a terrifying habit of licking my t...

My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back.

It's really nice when problems resolves themselves like that.

A man meets a stalker in the streets.

Man - What are you into?

Stalker - I stalk people.

Man - Really? Well, I like-





Stalker - Nature and running, I know.

A stalker was caught sneaking into Emma Raducanu's house and also stole her father's boot.

The tennis star chose to downplay the incident but her father is hopping mad .

A Priest, a stalker and a murderer go into a bar.

He orders a beer.

You can really tell how much of a stalker someone is...

Just by watching them.

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

I once overheard my Ex tell her best friend that i was a stalker

It nearly made me mad enough to come out of the closet and give her a piece of my mind.

Why did the woman with a stalker ex-boyfriend buy every brand of soap in the store?

Because she wanted a good deter-gent.

Which kind of jokes is a stalker not good at?

Knock knock jokes

What do stalkers and the letter V have in common?

They're always behind U

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

Good stalkers are hard to find

^(>!And hard to lose!<)

Xi's like the creepy stalker ex to every Chinese.

When you make comments on him, cross your fingers not to be found.

I don't enjoy having a stalker, but I will say . . .

No matter what, he always seems to be there for me.

I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.

I nearly fell out of my tree.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor thinks I'm a stalker.

She wrote it on Facebook,Twitter, and in both of her diaries.

To be a successful stalker

You must do the following :-)

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

What do u call a fat girls stalker?

A whale watcher

Stalker

I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."

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My Ex told me she had a stalker

I was watching her house in the bushes and haven't found the bastard

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker

At least that's what I think she wrote in her diary... binoculars are hard to read through

Do you have a fear of stalkers?

You are not alone.

What's a stalkers favourite pokemon?

Pikachu

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I have a stalker.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

What is a stalkers favorite part of a hospital?

the I see you.

Prayers before going on a blind date

Woman : oh god, I just hope he is not a serial killer,psychopath,needy, incel, stalker, poor,balding, ...

Man : god , don't let her be fat..

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

What the difference between your wife and your stalker?

Your stalker would likely put out regularly.

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What's the difference between a Groupie and a Stalker?

A penis.

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

My girlfriend is so paranoid.

She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.

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The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the ...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city....

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

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