My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

I have a stalker.

A family member who’s moved into our house this year. He follows me into my bedroom and the bathroom. He always sneaks into my bed or under it when I’m half asleep. And worse, he gets so close to me when I’m trying to eat, watching me take every bite. Worse, he has a terrifying habit of licking my t...

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

Claire’s been telling all her friends about how I’m a stalker.

She’s texting- hang on, there’s some glare on the window...

What’s a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common?

They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.

I once overheard my Ex tell her best friend that i was a stalker

It nearly made me mad enough to come out of the closet and give her a piece of my mind.

What did the stalker say at the hospital?

ICU

What do u call a fat girls stalker?

A whale watcher

I've just spotted my name on a neighbor's laptop. Stalker alert surely ?

Just as well I bought those new binoculars.

Which kind of jokes is a stalker not good at?

Knock knock jokes

What do stalkers and the letter V have in common?

They're always behind U

Good stalkers are hard to find

^(>!And hard to lose!<)

Xi's like the creepy stalker ex to every Chinese.

When you make comments on him, cross your fingers not to be found.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

To be a successful stalker

You must do the following :-)

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

Stalker

I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."

I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor thinks I'm a stalker.

She wrote it on Facebook,Twitter, and in both of her diaries.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker

At least that's what I think she wrote in her diary... binoculars are hard to read through

I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.

I nearly fell out of my tree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Ex told me she had a stalker

I was watching her house in the bushes and haven't found the bastard

What the difference between your wife and your stalker?

Your stalker would likely put out regularly.

Do you have a fear of stalkers?

You are not alone.

What's a stalkers favourite pokemon?

Pikachu

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I have a stalker.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

What is a stalkers favorite part of a hospital?

the I see you.

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

My girlfriend is so paranoid.

She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker.

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Groupie and a Stalker?

A penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city....

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

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