Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is anal sex illegal in Alabama?

You don't turn your back on family

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state.

So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.

Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia

The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

What do you call an illegal game show?

Steal or No Steal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville

Weed and Quack

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally?

He was Toad.

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen?

Alien vs Redditor

My kink went from gross to illegal

I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet

In my home state of Mississippi, it's illegal to do the reverse cowgirl because

because in Mississippi we never turn our backs on family.

What happens when a frog parks illegally?

They get toad

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

Why is prostitution illegal?

It's the opposite of the constitution.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An RCMP officer stopped at Sandy Bay First Nations and talked to an elderly Indigenous gentleman standing on the road.

He told the old man, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay," the elder said reluctantly, "but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed to the location. The officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government...

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TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


They made the law to protect your mom

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park

**cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores

Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal?

Nien Nien Nien!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs

they all got caught and were sent to jail. usually the punishment would be 5 years jail time, but the man in charge said, “it’s my wife’s birthday today, i’m in a great mood! you’ll be let go after 20 whips, and you’ll be given a wish before it” the arsenal fan goes first, he says, “please fix a pil...

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming

They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first.
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered „No“.
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his ...

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border?

_Tres_ passers

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

Why are paralegals never sick?

Because then they would be illegal.

I'll let myself out... byeee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a crappy day. I got stopped and the police officer wrote me a ticket for not having hubcaps on my car," he tells the bartender. "What? That's not illegal" the bartender says. "That's what I thought, too. But he wrote me a ticket for indecent exposure,"...

A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me

"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Old Ted was out in his boat on the lake.

He'd light a stick of dynamite and throw it out in the water, then pull in the dead fish after it went off.

The game warden pulls up in his boat along side Old Ted's and says "Ted, you know it's illegal to dynamite for fish?"

Old Ted doesn't say a word, just picks up another stick, lig...

Why is incest illegal in northern Europe?

All the builders complain about an uneven Finnish.

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful = Against the law

Illegal = A sick bird

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

Kidnapper? Do you mean...

Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

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