Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

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What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?

\-So you know those signs that say "No Trespassing"?

\-Yeah

\-Well, I fucked the dead dear behind it

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

Is this illegal?

So i was donating one of my kidneys at my town local hospital and then for some reason they're paying me for it, so i thought it was a great source of income and the next morning i came with 5 other kidneys, instead of paying me, they're calling 911, why?

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

What kind of computer does I.C.E. use to track down illegals?

Alienware.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What do you call an illegal liquor shop run by rats?

A Squeekeasy

Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

What happens when a frog parks illegally

It gets toad

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

Why is incest illegal in northern Europe?

All the builders complain about an uneven Finnish.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a fight called between an illegal immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs Predator

"Taco Tuesday" is an illegal practice in China.

That's not true but I bet some of you believed it with how crazy it is over there.

What sports do an illegal immigrant play?

Deportes

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

Why is it illegal for blind people to skydive?

Because that wouldn’t be fair to the dog

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

About 50 years ago in Texas

The bee protection act was passed which made it illegal to sabotage/kill bees from other farmers.

This was due to the fact that many bee farmers would sabotage each other and it became so big that Texas congress had to pass a law.

The problem was so big that it allowed for capital puni...

Why is suicide illegal in most countries?

Because the government do not want you destroying their property.

Tea break is over.

Back to work citizen.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

Yet another genius Australian.

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.

The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “

Billy said...

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Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

Why you don't have a girlfriend?

It's either expensive, illegal or won't text you back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If ever masturbation was made illegal

I'd say, people would be taking the law up into their own hands.

A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door

He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says,
"hello officer, what can I do for you?" the officer says,
"I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia," frantically, the man replies,
"Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If abortions are illegal in 2 states

Sex without conception can become premeditated attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get caught by the police speeding.

The officer asked the man if he knows why he got pulled over. The man replys that he was speeding because the cars stolen and he has a big package of drugs in th boot. The officer feeling scared called for backup.

Backup arive and search the car to find nothing illegal. Then check the cars in...

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

A man walks into an illegal drug store...

Man: Hey! I'm actually here for some medicine I need for my stomach problems.

Druggist: Well, that's a first. What do you need?

Man: Do you have some Diet Coke?

Why’s lithium illegal?

Because it’s a salt and battery

If I download a song illegally from Jamaica, does that make me...

A pirate of the Caribbean?

I'm never smoking with illegal immigrants again!

I asked who had the papers and everyone ran.

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A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

Did you know it's illegal for the president to use an extension cord?

That'd be an overreach of his power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

Did you guys hear they’re gonna start making round hay bales illegal?

Apparently it’s something about the cows needing 3 square meals a day

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

Where do you buy illegal n-word passes?

The blackmarket

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act (same but different)

Somewhere out deep on an Alabama lake there's a **R**edneck lighting sticks of dynamite and tossing them into the water. After each tremendous explosion, he grabs his net and pulls the dead fish into his boat. Before too long, the **G**ame **W**arden races out, lights and sirens blaring and screamin...

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Trump wants to make it illegal to buy pre-shredded cheese

It's all part of his plan to make America *grate* again.

What do Spanish speakers say when they find someone illegally crossing their land?

This is bad. Alexa play trespassito.

How should illegal immigrants be deported?

Juan by Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

Three Mexican guys try to immigrate to the US illegally.

But they can't figure out where to hide.

One guy suggests to dress up in animal costumes and hide in a zoo.

They buy monkey costumes put them on and get into the cage with two more monkeys.

The zoo workers are suspicious of there being five monkeys in the cage.

So they de...

I wanted to tell you a joke about illegal immigrants...

But it was borderline offesive.

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prefer illegally downloading bangbros videos over watching free sites.

It feels more like I'm the one fucking the porn stars.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

You can joke about anything. Just not illegals

That's crossing the border

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales. Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

What is the difference between “unlawful” and “illegal”

Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird

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