What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pastor?

Alien vs. Predator

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

What is a reason illegal immigrants hate the winter?

ICE

Why is suicide illegal in most countries?

Because the government do not want you destroying their property.

Tea break is over.

Back to work citizen.

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If abortions are illegal in 2 states

Sex without conception can become premeditated attempted murder.

Why shouldn't you play UNO with illegal immigrants?

Because they steal all the green cards

Why’s lithium illegal?

Because it’s a salt and battery

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

I'm never smoking with illegal immigrants again!

I asked who had the papers and everyone ran.

Did you guys hear they’re gonna start making round hay bales illegal?

Apparently it’s something about the cows needing 3 square meals a day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

Where do you buy illegal n-word passes?

The blackmarket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Did you know it's illegal for the president to use an extension cord?

That'd be an overreach of his power.

Trump wants to make it illegal to buy pre-shredded cheese

It's all part of his plan to make America *grate* again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

I wanted to tell you a joke about illegal immigrants...

But it was borderline offesive.

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

You can joke about anything. Just not illegals

That's crossing the border

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

Many things used to be illegal in North Korea.

Now they're unlegal.

What is the difference between “unlawful” and “illegal”

Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird

I don’t like to talk illegal immigration too much.

Because that’s crossing a border

There's a town in Russia where it's illegal to split an order of soup.

Share-no-bowl.

Why don't illegal immigrants like to drive in the winter?

They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

Cannabis is totally illegal in Saudi Arabia...

but you can still get stoned!

You can even drop acid...

As long as it's on an adulterer's face.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?

A hex offender.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

masturbation is not illegal,

but if it were, people would probably start taking the law into their own hands.

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