Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia

The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl on Alabama?

You don’t turn your back on the family

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

Why was it illegal to vote for Trump in the 2020 election?

It was strictly forbiden.

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

What do you call an Italian who wins an election illegally?

Rig-a-Tony

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen?

Alien vs Redditor

My kink went from gross to illegal

I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

What do you call an illegal game show?

Steal or No Steal

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it

then my illegal logging business is a success

What did the American say to the German urinating in public?

European illegally!

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

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A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That'...

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

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Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear...

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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.

.

.

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They made the law to protect your mom

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

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A man goes to hell

.. and is met by Lucifer at the Hell's Gates. Lucifer asks the man whether he wants to go to the Regular Hell or try the Student Hell. The man replies, "*Naah, I've had enough of that shit when I was a student, send me to the Regular Hell*". So he is sent to the Regular Hell. It looks okay and is mo...

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TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

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I regularly participate in an illegal underground dog fighting ring.

Obviously most people find this disgusting and deplorable and i get it, its not for everyone but I've never understood the hate I get when I tell people. I've only ever been beaten up by 2 dogs and Ive won 3 fights (one by technicality) and I dont think that's really too bad of a record.

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs

they all got caught and were sent to jail. usually the punishment would be 5 years jail time, but the man in charge said, “it’s my wife’s birthday today, i’m in a great mood! you’ll be let go after 20 whips, and you’ll be given a wish before it” the arsenal fan goes first, he says, “please fix a pil...

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal?

Nien Nien Nien!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming

They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first.
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered „No“.
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his ...

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border?

_Tres_ passers

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

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A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

Who would have thought

One day I would be smoking weed at a family gathering and the illegal part would be the family gathering.

My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores

Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park

**cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful = Against the law

Illegal = A sick bird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

"Taco Tuesday" is an illegal practice in China.

That's not true but I bet some of you believed it with how crazy it is over there.

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

Why is it illegal for blind people to skydive?

Because that wouldn’t be fair to the dog

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

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