Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a fight called between an illegal immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs Predator

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

What sports do an illegal immigrant play?

Deportes

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Why is incest illegal in northern Europe?

Because nobody likes an uneven Finnish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

Why is it illegal for blind people to skydive?

Because that wouldn’t be fair to the dog

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

Why is suicide illegal in most countries?

Because the government do not want you destroying their property.

Tea break is over.

Back to work citizen.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.

Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If abortions are illegal in 2 states

Sex without conception can become premeditated attempted murder.

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

Why’s lithium illegal?

Because it’s a salt and battery

If I download a song illegally from Jamaica, does that make me...

A pirate of the Caribbean?

The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.

I said, “I can explain everything.”

Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

why can’t you chug beer and do high school math at the same time?

it’s illegal to drink and derive >:(

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

I'm never smoking with illegal immigrants again!

I asked who had the papers and everyone ran.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Where do you buy illegal n-word passes?

The blackmarket

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

Did you guys hear they’re gonna start making round hay bales illegal?

Apparently it’s something about the cows needing 3 square meals a day

Did you know it's illegal for the president to use an extension cord?

That'd be an overreach of his power.

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

How should illegal immigrants be deported?

Juan by Juan.

Three Mexican guys try to immigrate to the US illegally.

But they can't figure out where to hide.

One guy suggests to dress up in animal costumes and hide in a zoo.

They buy monkey costumes put them on and get into the cage with two more monkeys.

The zoo workers are suspicious of there being five monkeys in the cage.

So they de...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.



A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first c...

What do Spanish speakers say when they find someone illegally crossing their land?

This is bad. Alexa play trespassito.

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

Trump wants to make it illegal to buy pre-shredded cheese

It's all part of his plan to make America *grate* again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

You can joke about anything. Just not illegals

That's crossing the border

Trumps wall is supposedly supposed to keep illegals out of the United States...

But unfortunately it's keeping Trump inside the White House as well.

I wanted to tell you a joke about illegal immigrants...

But it was borderline offesive.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales. Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

What is the difference between “unlawful” and “illegal”

Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prefer illegally downloading bangbros videos over watching free sites.

It feels more like I'm the one fucking the porn stars.

Many things used to be illegal in North Korea.

Now they're unlegal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

I don’t like to talk illegal immigration too much.

Because that’s crossing a border

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year"

Fuck, what site are they downloading them from? It's free for me..

Donald Trump heard about the Area 51 raid today and he said he wants to go.

He said, "if there are illegal aliens there I want to find them and send them back to their own planet."

Why don't illegal immigrants like to drive in the winter?

They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".

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