UPJOKE
unlawfulillicitillegitimatecriminalcontrabandprohibitedbannedoutlawpunishablepenalextralegalunfaircourtoutlawedineligible

Illegal Jokes

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

Why is “reverse cowgirl” illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.

Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

I was arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing prohibited" sign...

...apparently that's "very clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

A man made an illegal U-turn at a red light when taking his son to school. He said, “Oh no! I have made an illegal U-turn!”

The son replied, “It’s ok, dad. The police car behind us did the same thing!”

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

Winged horses are illegal in most US states.

But in Alabama, it's perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


They made the law to protect your mom

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

Did you know being hard of hearing is highly illegal?

It's a crime punishable by deaf

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique PeĂąa Nieto.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If abortions are illegal in 2 states

Sex without conception can become premeditated attempted murder.

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

Fake diamonds should be illegal…

…after all, they’re “carbon copies.”

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

I don’t like to talk illegal immigration too much.

Because that’s crossing a border

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is marijuana illegal in Saudi Arabia?

In Saudi Arabia, only gays get stoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hooker and the ILLEGAL Immigrant

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style?

"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you...

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

It is illegal to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You may be charged with vehicular mans laughter.

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear how the black market gets their hands on illegal tampons?

They had to pull some strings.

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

In MadrĂŠ Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

Did you know it’s illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii?

When you’re there you gotta keep it to a lo ha.

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

Why was the illegal immigrant so offensive?

Because he crossed the line

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful = Against the law

Illegal = A sick bird

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.

Like marrying Donald Trump.

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally

But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

My computer auto-corrected "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented person."

It's a PC PC.

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal now.

Just got pulled over for it.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

What do you call a person who illegally transports cups

A smuggler

Illegal immigration jokes..

are borderline offensive

Why don’t illegal immigrants ever cross the border in groups of three?

Because of all the No “Tres”passing signs that are posted

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville

Weed and Quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

In some countries it's illegal to wear a turban

There's an old saying: "Sikh and you will be fined"

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

What do you call an illegal game show?

Steal or No Steal

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.

It got de-ported

I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol...

But still.

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

What do you call an Italian who wins an election illegally?

Rig-a-Tony

Why’s lithium illegal?

Because it’s a salt and battery

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.