Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

Why is suicide illegal in china?

Destruction of state property

My kink went from gross to illegal

I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet

Did you know that choking on a single cube of water is illegal in some places?

It’s referred to as an obstruction of just ice.

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

I was arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing prohibited" sign...

...apparently that's "very clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.

A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state.

So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.

Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally?

He was Toad.

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen?

Alien vs Redditor

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

An illegal is a sick bird.

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

Why is it illegal for the Kardashians to go swimming?

Because throwing plastic in the ocean is a crime.

2 hardcore Trump supporters die and go to heaven...

Then they get deported for being illegal immigrants

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma’am

We’re cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

1. Illegal Downloading

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

‟I need to nispect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”

I said, ‟Okay, but do not go into that field over there.....”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ‟Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant office...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs

they all got caught and were sent to jail. usually the punishment would be 5 years jail time, but the man in charge said, “it’s my wife’s birthday today, i’m in a great mood! you’ll be let go after 20 whips, and you’ll be given a wish before it” the arsenal fan goes first, he says, “please fix a pil...

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

What happens to illegally parked frogs?

They get toad away.

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming

They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first.
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered „No“.
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his ...

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

My teacher said when covid is over she is burning all her masks in her house I told her

Mask genocide is illegal

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl

until the illegal second half was played.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

A state trooper pulled over a guy for going too slow on the freeway and having too many flags on His car.... As soon as the officer walked to the car the questioning begun:

Who are You? What is Your name? Do you speak english? You look illegal to Me are You legal? Where did You come from?........

Ok first of all My name is officer Gonzales and I am supposed to be doing the questions.

What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border?

_Tres_ passers

What kind of computer does I.C.E. use to track down illegals?

Alienware.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


They made the law to protect your mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...

After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything illegal and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impres...

A duck does a crime

A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from

The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: “hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these...

Four ducks walk into a court room

The judge says, “What is your name and what are you here for?” to the first duck. He says, “My name is Quack and I am here for illegally blowing bubbles.” The judge says the same to the next duck. The next duck says, “My name is Quack Quack and I am here for illegally blowing bubbles.” The judge get...

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross an arab man with an Egyptian man?

Nothing, in both those countries homosexuality is illegal and it is banned.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

A man gets pulled over by a cop for driving with a rhino in his car.

"Sir, are you aware that driving with a rhino in your car is illegal?" The cop said. The man looks bewildered.

"Really? I had no clue!"

"I'll let you off this time, but only if you promise to take it straight to the zoo."

The man agrees and the cop lets him go.

A week lat...

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

An older man and a 16-year-old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.

Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know...

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

Why is incest illegal in northern Europe?

All the builders complain about an uneven Finnish.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

What sports do an illegal immigrant play?

Deportes

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

"Taco Tuesday" is an illegal practice in China.

That's not true but I bet some of you believed it with how crazy it is over there.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

A woman was at the gas station.

A woman was at the gas station putting gas in her car, while doing that, she spills gas on her arm, she gets back in her car and drives away, she lit a cigarette and her arm catches fire, a cop pulls her over and charges her with illegal firearm, she sped of, a bird hit her windshield then hits th...

Why is it illegal for blind people to skydive?

Because that wouldn’t be fair to the dog

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

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