UPJOKE
unlawfulillicitillegitimatecriminalcontrabandprohibitedbannedoutlawpunishablepenalunfaircourtoutlawedsmuggledbootleg

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it illegal to have doggy style sex in Alabama?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

It is illegal to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You may be charged with vehicular mans laughter.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear how the black market gets their hands on illegal tampons?

They had to pull some strings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


They made the law to protect your mom

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally

But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

What is the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

What do you call a person who illegally transports cups

A smuggler

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Winged horses are illegal in most US states.

But in Alabama, it's perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.

A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia

The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.

"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's illegal?"

"Three?! Holy shit, guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

Why is mastrubation on a flying plane not allowed ?

Because high jacking is illegal

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

What do you call an illegal game show?

Steal or No Steal

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i went on a plane to florida today

someone just started masturbating mid flight and faced no consequences!

how is this not illegal?

i thought the patriot act was made to prevent high jacking

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Gamer Joke

Why does doing illegal stuff in GTA feel so good? Because it’s the only time we’re ever wanted

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville

Weed and Quack

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

I went to a new doctor and the first thing she said to me was...

"Do you drink, smoke, do any illegal drugs?"

I said "I'm down for whatever, we should hang sometime."

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

There was one time a guy from East Africa sold me some illegally copied DVDs

He was a Somali pirate

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.

Like marrying Donald Trump.

What do you call an illegal liquor shop run by rats?

A Squeekeasy

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.