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Illegal Jokes

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

Why is “reverse cowgirl” illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

TIL while it's illegal to smoke marijuana in Sudan...

you can still get stoned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally

But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

Winged horses are illegal in most US states.

But in Alabama, it's perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

A man made an illegal U-turn at a red light when taking his son to school. He said, “Oh no! I have made an illegal U-turn!”

The son replied, “It’s ok, dad. The police car behind us did the same thing!”

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,


we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.


Sincerely, Internet Provider

Why don’t illegal immigrants ever cross the border in groups of three?

Because of all the No “Tres”passing signs that are posted

So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal now.

Just got pulled over for it.

It is illegal to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You may be charged with vehicular mans laughter.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear how the black market gets their hands on illegal tampons?

They had to pull some strings.

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

Did you know being hard of hearing is highly illegal?

It's a crime punishable by deaf

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

What do you call a person who illegally transports cups

A smuggler

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom

Apparently, Trump is blaming Melania for advising him to endorse failed NJ candidate Dr. Oz.

Which makes sense, he blames illegal immigrants for everything.

update: thank you to /u/supergenius98k for the original comment that made this joke. I enjoyed it but couldn’t find the comment again when submitting to r/jokes. thanks to /u/martini497osu for finding the source for me

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

What is the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

What do you call an illegal game show?

Steal or No Steal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.

"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's illegal?"

"Three?! Holy shit, guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

Why is mastrubation on a flying plane not allowed ?

Because high jacking is illegal

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville

Weed and Quack

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.

Like marrying Donald Trump.

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

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