Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you can’t turn your back on family.

Winged horses are illegal in most US states.

But in Alabama, it's perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.

A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia

The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

What do you call an Italian who wins an election illegally?

Rig-a-Tony

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

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What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen?

Alien vs Redditor

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Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S.

But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.

Why was it illegal to vote for Trump in the 2020 election?

It was strictly forbiden.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

What do you call an illegal game show?

Steal or No Steal

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

I don't like to illegally download music.

I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

A joke translated from Vietnamese.

In a conference, USA repesentatives complained that the Vietnamese were so uncivilized, they often pee illegally in public and in plain sight. The Vietnam side denied and say that wasn’t true. The US responsed that tonight, they will carry m4, patrol around Ho Guom lake and execute all those who pee...

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

Police bursts into a man's house.

They put him on the floor, handcuff him and all that shabang.

One of the officers says to him: "You are arrested for illegally downloading the whole Wikipedia!"

The man says: "I'm sorry officer.

I can explain everything."

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that it is illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

They throw you out of Farmfoods as well.

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

What did the American say to the German urinating in public?

European illegally!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn

And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets

He was arrested for attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today

It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs

they all got caught and were sent to jail. usually the punishment would be 5 years jail time, but the man in charge said, “it’s my wife’s birthday today, i’m in a great mood! you’ll be let go after 20 whips, and you’ll be given a wish before it” the arsenal fan goes first, he says, “please fix a pil...

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Dataminer? Thats illegal

They are too young to date

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming

They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first.
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered „No“.
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border?

_Tres_ passers

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