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Birthday Present Jokes

Birthday present for my Wife.

I have bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her little face light up when she opens it.

Best birthday present ever?

An old lady with 3 very successful children was celebrating her 100th birthday, and all the kids got her incredible gifts.

The first child got her a $200,000 limousine with a driver so she can go around town.

The second child got her a $1,000,000 yacht so she can spend her days on the ...

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Birthday Present.

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewellery case for my Wife's Birthday online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was Fuming.

I distinctly asked for it on the front.

What’s the best birthday present in the world?

A broken drum! You just can’t beat it!

I gave my amputee friend his birthday present

It's a pair of gloves!

I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...

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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

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Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

Hunters Birthday Present

What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.

A Birthday pheasant

If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,

just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.

A boy asked his parents for a birthday present

He asked his parents for something to wear and something to play with. They got him a pair of jeans with a hole in the pockets.

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

Birthday present

A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday.

The boy thought about it and simply replied "I wanna watch"


So they let him

Grandma's Birthday Present

Little Johnny's Grandma had her 90th birthday coming up, and he wanted to make sure that he got her something special. He saved up all of his pocket money and in the end decided to buy her the fanciest toilet brush that was available.

He gave it to his Grandma and she promptly embraced Littl...

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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got a...

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Batman and his girlfriend's birthday present.

Batman and his girlfriend debating as to what should be her birthday present.

"I know what. The other day I had a chat with Lois Lane and you know what Superman got her as a pressie?” says his partner.

"Tell me, sugar-plum!”

She whispers it into his ears. Batman blushes and says...

Do you know what the guy with no hands got for his birthday present?

No?

Yeah, no one else does either, he hasn't succeeded in ripping the paper off of them yet.

Why doesn’t Devin Hester get birthday presents anymore?

He always returns everything

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Wife needs a birthday present for her husband and only the pet store is open...

She went into the pet store, and said she wanted something for her husband.
Store clerk says "get him this frog", and shows her a pretty average looking frog
-how much is it?
-$300
- pretty steep for a common frog, isn't it?
-oh, this is not a common frog... see, it gives blo...

What do you get a slav for a birthday present?

A squat rack

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I'm your Birthday Present

It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a hooker for his Birthday.

The hooker went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I’m your birthday present!"

A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super...

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I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

The jeweler received a new stamp kit as a birthday present

He thought it was pretty impressive.

A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
...

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Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

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the wife wanted to give a special birthday present to his husband...

... who happened to be a big Brigitte Bardot fan. As you might know, Brigitte Bardot is universally known as BB, so the woman carefully paints a big B in each of her buttocks, and just before the expected arrival of the husband, she positions herself in all fours, her generous ass directly pointing ...

Three brothers, named Dante, Buddy, and Tyler each decided to get their dad a special birthday present

Three brothers, named Dante, Buddy, and Tyler each decided to get their dad a special birthday present.

Dante bragged, "Since Dad likes to golf, I'm going to to get him a set of golf bags for the old man."

Buddy said, "You know how Dad loves to go bird hunting? I've decided to get him...

A ridiculously rich man is buying his 6 year old nephew a birthday present

On his birthday, the boy gets a Porsche 911. For Christmas that year, the man bought his nephew a massive yacht. For his 7th birthday, the man bought his nephew a weeks holiday in Dubai. The boy's dad was getting worried about his son, as he wasn't getting gifts that a child his age would normally g...

People told me getting my girlfriend a refridgerator for her birthday present was a bad idea.

But her face lit up when she opened it.

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I spent $200 on a new trampoline as my son's birthday present, but the little shit broke it on his first go at it.

That little shit also broke his Wheelchair, so that's another $200 I have to spend.

My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her"

That's the last time I buy her an orphan

I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier

He bought something for my mum.

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Hi Lads.

Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Birthday present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife or girlfriends tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Wish her a happy Birthday from me..

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I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I’m a fairly modern man

But apparently, they don’t make a great birthday present.

Hey, cool name

Thanks, it was a birthday present

As I unwrapped the condom I thought to myself...

"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

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A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman was sitting in a bar talking about anniversary presents. The Englishman said: "You know, for my wife I bought two birthday presents, a necklace and a scarf, so that if she doesn't like the necklace maybe she'll like the scarf". "Ooh, that's very thoughtful o...

Ties

As a birthday present from his mother-in-law, a husband got two ties. Wanting to be a good son-in-law, he wore one of them to the next family dinner. Upon seeing her, he tries a friendly smile, but is met with a disappointed look "So, you didn't like the other one?".

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A woman is looking for a birthday gift for her husband...

She goes all around town, to all the sporting stores, department stores, gadget/computer stores, can't find anything her husband would like or doesn't have.

She decides to go downtown and walks around looking at interesting boutique stores when she ends up walking into a very strange looking ...

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.




“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”




That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

My five year old son squealed with delight...

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.

"Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"

My mom smiled...

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift...

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A woman decided to get a tattoo...

...especially for her husband's birthday. As he was a fan of Brigitte Bardot she decided to get a B tattooed on each butt cheek. That night she asked her husband if he was ready for his birthday present. He was and she slowly started stripping in front of him. When the time came to take off her pant...

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Did your son like his birthday gifts?

-Did your son like his birthday presents?

-Oh, he broke every single one of them - the phone, gaming console and even notebook..

-My god! Did he break my gift too?!

-Nope, your fucking hammer is fine.

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Birthday Surprise

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love. The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications, and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with th...

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Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

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A woman walks into a pet shop...

looking for a Birthday present for her husband.Not wanting to spend much money the assistant recommended a large bullfrog trained to give blow jobs.

The wife purchased the bullfrog thinking to herself that she would be off the hook regarding doing blowjobs for her husband.

That night ...

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

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A husband and wife go into a pet store...

The husband tells his wife that for her birthday present, the wife can pick out any animal in the store. She takes her time looking at all the different cats, dogs, guinea pigs etc., and isn't particularly fond of any of them.

She eventually sees this large frog in the far corner of the st...

The Lion's Birthday

Here's a joke my dad told me once. The story is set in the jungle. It's the lion's birthday today, and everyone is rushing to get the king a birthday present. The lion demands food. Everybody lines up.

The lion roars,

"If you get me something that hurts my teeth, I'll shove it up your...

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