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Celebrate Jokes

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town...

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town. The day after, hung over, the three friends meet.

The first friend says, "I can't believe how much we drank last night! I was so drunk, I blew chunks!"

The second friend shakes his head and says, "You think that's bad? I got so drunk...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Why don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

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Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.

Happy Father's Day!

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

What do legos celebrate?

They celebrate block parties

Why We Celebrate Easter

A teacher asks the Easter Sunday School "Why do we celebrate Easter?" Hands go up. "Emily!"
"Easter is when the three wise men came to give baby Jesus gifts" "No, Emily, that is Christmas."
"Who else knows? Bobby! " "Easter is when Jesus gave the loafs n fishes to feed the big crowd." ...

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Celebrating 50th wedding anniversary

A couple of grandparents, to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, decide to return to the place where they met many years ago, a bar located in a very picturesque town. They wait for the weekend, get into their car, and head to the town.
Upon arrival, they ask a police officer for directio...

How do you celebrate winning a lawsuit over a fake injury?

You drink sham-pain.

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
...

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

How did Elon Musk celebrate 420?

With SpaceX going up in smoke.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Christians who celebrate Hannukah

Are in the menorahty.

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

Millions of people celebrated thanksgiving yesterday.

The indigenous people however, have reservations.

To celebrate my French heritage...

I erected a monument to a famous French general and president.

I call it deGaulle stone.

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

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We celebrate Christmas early in our household.

We have to, I'm usually shitfaced by noon.

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

How does /r/jokes celebrate Earth Day?

By recycling 100% of its content.

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

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So two dwarves win the lottery to celebrate they decide to get two hockers

They both go into a hotel room, they get a room side-by-side. One dwarf goes into one, the other goes into the other.

First dwarf sits on the bed and thinks, 'I think can't do it' and decides to kick her out. He sits on the bed and all night he hears from the other room is 'eh eh eh'. He fina...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary

Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.

The next day, the wido...

What do chickens celebrate in December?

Eggs-mas

Two students of architecture, one Italian and one Greek are at a bar to celebrate their graduation

The Italian student proposes an idea his Greek classmate, “Let's meet up again in 10 years, to see how successful we have become”. The Greek student, interested in this proposition, accepts.

10 years later

The Greek man is invited to the home of the Italian man, when he arrives, he is ...

A couple celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

The couple walk up to the front desk to check-in.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
The husband holding his wife's hand: I would like your most beautiful room please.
Receptionist: Sure! For how long would you like to stay?
The Husband: 1 night please.
Receptionist: One whole n...

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?

With missile tows

I decided to celebrate pride month but I got confused.

What the hell am I going to do with 15 lions?

How do mammoths celebrate victory?

Triumelephantly.

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

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Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

I refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving this year!

I am going to stop cold Turkey!

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur Tibia.

It's going to be quite the shindig.

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary

After the party had ended, the wife walked over to the husband, punched him in the arm and said "That's for twenty-five years of bad sex!"

The husband hesitated a moment, then walked over to his wife, punched her in the arm and said "That's for knowing the difference!"

Pride Month should be celebrated in September.

As we know, Pride cometh before the Fall.

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

What do two audiophiles do when they celebrate?

They Hi-Fi

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have eve...

I think birthdays should celebrate the mother

Because really what did the kid do?

Three women share a birthday and celebrate it together

For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restau...

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Celebrate

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do hispanic jews celebrate?

Juanukkah

What is a cannibals favorite way to celebrate?

A Donner party.

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

So to celebrate Easter today,

I asked my parents to take us to Chick-Fil-A, since we hadn't eaten there in a long time.



Boy, were they in for a surprise.

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

One night, three women go out to celebrate their college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I just gradu...

If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight...

watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

What do they celebrate instead of Easter in California?

Wester.

TIL that anarchists don't celebrate birthdays

Because they don't believe in parties.

Today we celebrate Independence Day!

For those that don't know their history, this was the day in 1996 that Will Smith saved the Earth from aliens.

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