This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

How do rednecks celebrate Halloween?

Pumpkin

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Been a year of lifeless scrolling on reddit so here's a classic to celebrate it : )

The priest in a small village loved the rooster he kept in the house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the bird and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the...

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

A special celebration...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on...

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus

He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

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I just watched aggressive sex between a group of people that celebrate pride and individuality in 720p

It was HD LGBTQ BDSM

TIL Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water.

It's named Helen Keller Falls

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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Couple celebrates their 30th anniversay

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary. They have a nice evening out, dining in their favourite restaurant.

Later that night, when they get to bed, the woman says to her husband: "You know what honey, tonight, you can do anything you want with me."

The husband thinks for a second, ...

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

My wife: I'm turning 32 next week so I want to celebrate in a big way

Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.

She: What? Why?

Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday

Holy crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the holy men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a priest I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing le...

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

My wife and I just celebrated our 30th Wedding Anniversary

My wife says it's the best 10 years of her life...

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A lottery winner celebrates by buying himself a Rolls-Royce and membership of the local golf club.

Obviously when he gets the car he has to drive it straight round to the golf club and make sure all the members get to see it, and he's ostentatiously buying drinks for the whole bar but sticking to lemonade himself because he's "got to drive the Roller home later, you know", and when it's time to g...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

TIL that anarchists don't celebrate birthdays

Because they don't believe in parties.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

What is a cannibals favorite way to celebrate?

A Donner party.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

If you smoke pot and forgot what day today is, don’t worry. You can celebrate again on the 25th of May.

Because 4/20 = 5/25

A joke I heard a while ago

So there’s this Cheerio. In cheerio-land, there are three kinds of people: original, blueberry, and honey nut. He desperately wants to be honey nut. So he goes to the tattoo shop, and the cheerio running it says he can become a blueberry cheerio first, but it’s gonna cost some money.

He star...

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Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.

Happy Father's Day!

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.

A joke Alexa told me during my morning routine

Happy international Left Handers day

On the other hand if you don't want to celebrate that's all right

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

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What do hispanic jews celebrate?

Juanukkah

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Today is International Orgasm Day...

Those who suffer from premature ejaculation celebrated yesterday.

What holiday celebrates the rising of dough?

Yeaster.

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

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Why don't Jews celebrate December 25th?

They don't believe Santa Claus Israel

Men aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve

How do antivaxxers celebrate their kid's first birthday?

By putting flowers on the grave.

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

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Wedding Anniversary

*Two old friends were talking*

"When I and my wife made 25 years of marriage I took her on a trip to Japan"

"Really? And what are you going to do to celebrate your 50 years wedding anniversary?"

"I'm bringing her back"

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

Why does Nick Cannon refuse to celebrate Christmas?

Because he is a terrible wrapper.

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

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(NSFW)

A man walks into a bar and orders five beers. The bartender asks if he had something to celebrate. The man replies, "Well, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says, "Congratulations, here, have the sixth beer on the house!" to which the man replies, "Nah don't bother, if I can't get rid of t...

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An elderly couple is dating and decide to get married.

The wedding comes along and everything goes well. For their wedding night the rent a really posh hotel room to celebrate and consummate the marriage.

The man is in the bed naked waiting for his new wife to come out of the washroom. She comes out in a nightie.

As things begin to heat u...

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

In India rats are celebrated...

but in Hungary they Budapest.

On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old, but no one ever celebrates it.

Except for me. And that was a very lonely night.

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate...

It was the father, son and the goalie host...

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Pierre the French Air Force Ace!

Pierre the French Air Force Ace finishes another successful mission and goes to a small hotel bar to celebrate. He meets a nice lady who after few drinks invites him to go to her hotel room. In the room conversation quickly turns into action and she asks him to kiss her. Pierre without thinking ope...

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

A year ago I left home and since, I've only been living at guesthouses and motels.

Today I celebrated my inn dependence.

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50th Wedding Anniversary

An elderly couple is about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary

The wife says “We should do something special to celebrate. How about we have breakfast in the nude like we used to?”

The husband agrees and the next morning they are seated at the table buck naked.

The wif...

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

How do you celebrate Columbus Day?

By getting lost in a supermarket while looking for spices.

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

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