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I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

Why do capitalists celebrate Easter?

They love when prophets rise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season....

I would love to congratulate myself for never watching a single fucking episode.

What did the Saudi man say to celebrate their unlikely World Cup victory?

A. Great execution!

To celebrate my French heritage...

I erected a monument to a famous French general and president.

I call it deGaulle stone.

Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate...

... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!

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A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary

After the party had ended, the wife walked over to the husband, punched him in the arm and said "That's for twenty-five years of bad sex!"

The husband hesitated a moment, then walked over to his wife, punched her in the arm and said "That's for knowing the difference!"

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

A couple celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

The couple walk up to the front desk to check-in.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
The husband holding his wife's hand: I would like your most beautiful room please.
Receptionist: Sure! For how long would you like to stay?
The Husband: 1 night please.
Receptionist: One whole n...

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

Today is my birthday but it’s a shame that I only get half a minute to celebrate…

Because it’s my 32nd birthday

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

I decided to celebrate pride month but I got confused.

What the hell am I going to do with 15 lions?

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The monks were in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts.

One young monk suggested that, since they’d been copying copies, it might be time to go back to the original and make sure that their copies were correct. The abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the cellar to examine the original. The monk was gone for a long time, and finally the abbot went to...

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

What do chickens celebrate in December?

Eggs-mas

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A farmer has a good harvest and decides to buy a barrel of wine to celebrate with his wife.

He brings it home and sets it outside of their cottage, and he and his wife celebrate their success.

The next day, the farmer wakes to find the barrel is now only half full, but they'd only had a few glasses each. Furious about the thievery, he posts a sign saying, "This wine belongs to Farm...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Paul McCartney celebrates his 80th birthday with Stella in Mykonos.

You would think with all his wealth, he would have bought at least ONE bottle of Champagne.

Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary

Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.

The next day, the wido...

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis.

They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout “I hate America!” and nothing would happen to me.”

The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, “yes, in t...

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. Howe...

What Canadian holiday is celebrated on May 1st?

Maple Fool's Day

Three blondes die in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of Saint Peter.

He says, "Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. What is Easter?"



"Oh," says the first blonde. "That's that time in the fall when you go door to door collecting candy."

"No," says Peter. "That's Halloween."


"Oh," says the second blonde. "That'...

A monster party

To celebrate Halloween, the classic Halloween monsters decided to throw a party. At full swing, some of the monsters decided to have a drink and sit down.

The werewolf said, “I can’t believe everyone came!”

Dracula chuckled and said, “Yes, this is a good party.”

Frankenstein’s m...

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

Donald Trump showed up in Washington D.C. to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Actually, he just heard the words "Washington D.C." and "King" and got excited.

Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur Tibia.

It's going to be quite the shindig.

I refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving this year!

I am going to stop cold Turkey!

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

What do 10-event athletes do to celebrate Christmas?

Decathe halls.

People in China are all preparing to celebrate the 100th anniversary - and so should we!

Winnie the Pooh's birthday is August 21, 1921 which is only about a month off :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tattooed his wife's name on his penis to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary

When he got home, he said "Honey, I tattooed your name on my wiener to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary!"

His wife got extremely angry and said "I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to put words in my mouth!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dammit Jim

Frank and his colleagues went to their favourite bar after they signed a big contract. They celebrated with lots of beers and shots. Suddenly Frank feels unwell, goes to the bathroom and throws up, so there's vomit all over his shirt. His colleague Bob enters and sees Frank. He knows Frank's very st...

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

Pride Month should be celebrated in September.

As we know, Pride cometh before the Fall.

Lining up for Drinks at the Party.

Two friends decide to throw a party to celebrate them getting their new flat and invite everyone they know. One of them prepares a huge bowl of punch for everyone and the other brings a soda fountain that he just bought.

The party rolls around and everyone is enjoying themselves; all of them...

What do two audiophiles do when they celebrate?

They Hi-Fi

How do mammoths celebrate victory?

Triumelephantly.

To celebrate my cake day, here’s a joke that gave me a giggle

An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.

Dentist: ‘Miss, I believe you’re in the wrong room’.

Woman: ‘You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I’m here to have them removed’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey! Big party at my house! Come on over and help me celebrate making my final mortgage payment!

I still owe them like $210,000 ... but fuck it, I'm done paying.

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

A rubber company recently built it's 200,000,000 tire

Of course, the directors celebrated the occasion with a blowout.



Source: 1933 Newspaper

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

My wedding anniversary is on Halloween, it’s fitting this year

Because just like everything being celebrated, my marriage is dead.

To celebrate my cake day, I decided to post a joke

I got more birthday wishes than my real-life birthday.



[Reddit, thank you for years of facts, hobbies, jokes, and hundreds of unproductive hours]

What do they celebrate instead of Easter in California?

Wester.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

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