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The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks he approaches the bartender, "Hey, maybe you can help me out. I've just got hit with horrible heart burn, gas and stomach cramps, but I can't leave to get anything because I'm supposed to meet my blind date here in 15 minutes and I don't w...

If you don't know what to say on your first date try to talk about global warming.

It's a great icebreaker.

I have a blind date tonight.

I know because I asked her if she was seeing anyone, and she said no.

A bartender walked over to a table where two people were on a date

He spoke to the woman first- "Madame, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off. You both have clearly had too much to drink; your husband just slid under the table!"

The woman said "No, my husband just walked in the door!"

Have you ever dated someone with a high-pitched voice?

They're nothing but treble.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

My friend set me up with a blind date at the gym.

She didn't see us working out.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was

when I dated a schizophrenic.

A Goldfish dumped his date

Goldfish: I can’t believe this, She photoshopped her body to be beautiful, how did this happen? Then he realised he was dating a catfish.

Never date a tennis player..

Love means nothing to them.

Why didn't John Denver ever have trouble getting a date?

Because he was a plane down to Earth guy.

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

I once dated a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds kind of weird, dozen tit?

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

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At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam.

He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?”
“Read it? I dated her in school!”

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

My college girlfriend had never slept with a guy on the spectrum before she dated me.

So I guess I took her neurodiverginity.

After going up to her apartment, my date told me, “Make yourself at home.”

Turns out that English is not her first language, and she was asking me to leave.

If you bought rohypnol from a pharmacy....

Would it have Best Before Date printed on it?

Jason Voorhees went out with a lot of women during the pandemic

Back then everyone had a masked man date

Did you hear about the guy who died while on a date with a firecracker?

People say he went out with a bang.

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

An older married couple, Keith and Edith, get pulled over while on vacation.

Edith was driving the highway when she got pulled over by the state police.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

Edith, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Keith yelled back "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman sa...

King Charles's coronation date has been revealed.

It's Camilla.

Are you today's date?

Because you're 10/10.

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

A family of animal lovers goes out of town for a week and their beloved pets decide to give them a complete home makeover:

The birds: “we’ll do the painting and make the walls the colors of our beautiful feathers!”
The cats: “we’ll do the flooring and make sure every corner is perfect!”
The hamsters: “we’re so tiny, we can get into the wiring and make sure everything is up to date and safe!”
What did the d...

There was a farmer who had three daughters.....

and all of his daughters were going on their first dates at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his shot gun.

Some time went by, the first suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for...

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?

"He was the original owner!"

What do you call a giraffe’s birthday?

A launch date.

A serbian politician goes to visit a greek politician

Serbian politician looks around greek politician's home amazed. He has a large 5 story house, many pools, a bar with several pool tables, very expensive drinks that date far back, more than 6 sport cars, there's beautiful women all around the house. Serbian is stunned, he asks "Hey friend, let me as...

Did Adam & Eve ever had a date?

No. They only had a fig!

Why did the girl not want to date the communist?

He was waving a lot of red flags.

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

A nurse was dating a doctor and got pregnant.

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

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I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.

We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

Happy Anniversary

A married couple are celebrating their anniversary at the restaurant where they had their first date. About halfway through dinner, the husband asks his wife a question.

"Honey, I was just wondering something," he said.

"What's that, dear?" the wife wondered.

"Well... we've been...

A guy asks his friend

Hey man, can I date your sister?
The friend replies,
NO! For two reasons.
One, you are our brother.
Two, that’s my girlfriend.

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An elderly couple are driving back to Pennsylvania…

They stop at a gas station in New Jersey and the attendant comes out to offer his services.
The wife is very hard of hearing so the husband handles the interaction.

He asks the attendant to top off the gas tank.

“Anything else sir?” the attendant asks.
“Maybe check the tire p...

What’s the best part about dating a homeless person?

You can drop them off anywhere after the date

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

Two Sticks went on a date but there weren't any sparks.

It was bad Match.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

A kid is getting ready for prom.

He goes to a boutique to buy a suit, and after he finds one he likes, he realizes that the line is very long. He really likes the suit, though, so he waits for a while and then leaves with his purchase. Next, he goes to a flower shop to get his date a bouquet, and the line there is very long as well...

Do you know why Indiana Jones never got married?

Bad dates

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

She said if you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

Married 15 years and every date is just like the first.

She still charges me 80 for a date . Or 60 for a quick visit.

So Leonardo Dicaprio wants to quosh rumours that he only dates women under 25...

To demonstrate this, he's now dating Pete Davidson

What is the best age a woman can be dated?

26+ Cause then you don't have to worry about Leonardo DiCaprio stealing your girlfriend.

Came home with marksheet

During my school days, I came home with a mark sheet showing 90 marks scored by me in an exam hoping to get compliments from my Dad.

However, once my dad took a glance of it, he said I added the 0 on the Mark Sheet to make it 90 and whacked me to kingdom heaven.

I told him honestly t...

Took a date home and asked her what music she liked. She wanted something with a hard beat that'll get her on the floor.

So I put on some Chris Brown.

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, he didn't show up

That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?

I need to know the cutoff date.

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

[First Date] Her: Why are you talking to me like I’m a news anchor?

Me: I always do that when I’m nervous. Now back to you Jennifer.

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

I had a date with a girl with leprosy and I think she likes me

She conveniently left an ear behind

I thought going to gym would be a good idea for a first date.

But when she didn’t show up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

What do incels and Excel have in common?

They both wrongly assume something is a date when it's not

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A shitty Joke

a guy has a crush on a beautiful woman. He shoot his shot, goes on a date and gets invited back to her house. Before anything happens he goes to the washroom. Pooping goes well. Flushing doesn't go well. He scoops the shit and puts in the cat's shit dish which is outside the washroom. The woman find...

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist.

He checked a lot of boxes.

What's the best profession a person can have that you'll date?

A mortician. They'll be the last person to ever let you down.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

Why are Ukrainian girls the best to date?

No matter how often you come over, they keep Putin out!

As I rolled over from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained " Is that it ? "

" since we did doggie position, i would count it as 14 minutes"

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A farmer has three beautiful daughters...

and every weekend, they all go out on dates. Every weekend the farmer will stand at the door with a shotgun to assess the date. Well, on one particular Saturday, the farmer was waiting and hears a knock at the door. He opens it up and is greeted by a nice looking man. He goes, "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here ...

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What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Never take *her* out on a date again!

I used to date a girl called Sue Denim....

Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

Have you heard of Y2K jelly?

It allows you to insert four digits into your date where you could previously only fit two.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

my wife has started an NGO

for people into BDSM. Last night after coming from her NGO she was late for our date. I guess she was probably tied up in a meeting.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

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How do you piss off an archeologist?

Ask her why she dates everything she sees

The Age Factor

(Taken from Reader's Digest Year:1998)

Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognised the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I...

Why do Hitmen have trouble maintaining steady relationships?

Because their dates are always afraid of being taken out.

I once dated a girl just for her internet connection

She was wifi material.

To all my techie, nerdy, geeky compatriots out there:

I got a date. Connection on port 443. Ok. Whatever path I took... it all ended in 403.

My date stood me up at the movie theatre

I had to sit back down after getting yelled at by the family behind me.

What do men and Microsoft Excel have in common?

They turn everything into dates, no matter what.

Girl and Guy on first date.

They were just asking each other different random questions to get acquainted.. one of the questions was about food and what their favourite food was...

Girl: Oh my god I love cheese.

Guy: Lucky for you, I'm not circumcised.

What do you call two Polar Bears on a date In Hawaii?

Lost

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

I am so unlucky in love.

I asked a blind woman for a date last week, and she said she was seeing someone.

I went on a date with an Italian.

We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

First date, and she asks to meet up by the river to watch the 'submarine races'

But she ghosted me when I told her I was excited to show her littoral warfare

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A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

A dumb blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why ...

Dinner Date

My husband and I were out for dinner and the waiter started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my husband said. "Why?," I asked. My husband replied, "Because she has no taste."

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

Whoever coined the term “Expiration Date” made a huge mistake.

It should have been called Spoiler Alert.

A boy asks a girl to prom

A boy asks a girl to prom and she says yes.
He wants to looks nice so he heads to the suit store. As there's a lot of prom goers shopping, there's a long suit line.
The boy waits in the line, buys the suit and and leaves to go rent a car.
As there's a lot of prom goers here as well, there'...

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

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A walk in the woods…

A couple were on a blind date and they decided to take a walk in the woods. After some casual banter they started to feel more and more comfortable with each other and they started to feel a little frisky. They decided to sneak off the path into a dark grove of trees. After finding a good spot, the...

[First Date] Her: Let’s go get a drink and see where it goes.

Him: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

A farmer is obsessed with Tractors

His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
...

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

Getting a hair dryer through customs

A young woman on a flight from England asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"


"Of course, my child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is...

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My wife and I made a date to make a baby...

But I had to pull out at the last minute.

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

I used to date someone from Albania, Viet Nam, Turkey, Morocco, Trinidad and Tobago, Russia, Tennessee, Tunisia, and China

Too many red flags

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

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