A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

This girl who I was on a date with told me I looked pretty average.

What a mean thing to say.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

You can date them!

Junior: Dad, can I have your blessings and guidance? I want to date Annie from the block.

Dad: You can't date her! Between you and me she's your sister!

The next week...

Junior: Dad, I'm in love! I want to date Brenda, our neighbor.

Dad: You can't date her...

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

I told her being funny second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked “what’s the best way?” I said a big knife
She laughed and said “you’re funny”
I said “wise choice”

I only date anti-vaxxers

because then you have to pay the child support for 8 years instead of 18

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Slightly adult content: I used to date a girl so wide down under, I had no way of knowing if I was in or out. It was like...

Schrödinger’s pussy.

Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

A guy wants to take his girlfriend on a romantic dinner date...

She recommends an unusual restaurant that just opened: you have to wait in line for every food item you want.
Like a gentlemen, the man waits in the myriad of food lines before him. He waits in the potato line, he waits in the chicken line, and even waits in a gravy line. He comes back after a w...

[On a date] Her: So tell me something weird about yourself.

Me: I can see dead people.

Her: Wow! Any hobbies?

Me: Grave digging.

A friend once set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a total idiot waiting in the club wearing nothing but a diaper.

Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK

After, Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium. That was an OMg moment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home.

After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. He leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on!...

I don’t do dates

That’s disgusting, I just eat them

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!


As the two people from di...

Blind Date: Sooo i’m a huge country fan

Me: (*trying to impress her*)
I know China is an incredibly huge country.

Why did the librarian get asked out on a date?

Because she was a fine lady.

A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick.

It was clearly a big red flag.

Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

How do you date a communist?

Ignore the red flags

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."

She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"

I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"


Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw

I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."

"No," she replied, "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.


"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

Why should you not date a tennis player

Because love means nothing to them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

I went on a date with a girl who's left breast was made out of timber!

....just kidding. That would be ridiculous.


Wooden tit.

After a date, I asked this girl for a 68

“68? What’s that?” She asks

I replied “it’s where you blow me and I owe ya one”

April 15, 2019 is the date the Notre Dame cathedral....


A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

When on a date with a German, never ask them to get the check.

Last time, it got misheard after World War One.

I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i'm with Clara.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

Never date a moonshiners daughter...

She only wants to make you liquor

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) Snow White and Prince Charming are on a date.

They kick the 7 dwarves out so they can have the cottage to themselves to do what they're gonna do. The dwarves decide to spy on the couple, and peek in the window by making a ladder and standing on each other's shoulders.
Prince Charming kisses Snow White, and the dwarves start telling each oth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are out on a date night at a bar.

A drunk comes up to his wife and starts hitting on her. “Baby I'd fill your bathtub with beer and drink all of it after...”, Her husband steps in and tells him to get lost.

Another drunk comes up. “Honey I will fill my swimming pool with beer for you to swim and drink all of it...” Her husban...

Has anyone seen today's date?

Apparently it can't be found.

I dates a jewish girl once

When she asked for my number, I said "We have names".

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

I wouldn't date anyone from China

That's a HUGE red flag

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them.

They’re imaginary too...

I used to date a homeless woman

It was great! After our date I could drop her off anywhere :)

I used to date a girl who was cross-eyed.

I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else the entire time.

Why couldn’t the disabled man find a date

Because he wasn’t a stand-up guy overall

I used to date a native Alaskan...

... but she didn't really seem to be that Inuit.

I was supposed to go an a date with someone in a wheelchair

But I thought I’d give her the opportunity to be stood up

Was reminded my life was a joke when I asked a girl on a date and she said, “You remind me too much of the weekends....”

”Way too short and forgettable.”

The best joke of 2019 to date.

Your New Year resolution.

Trying to date me is like dating a circle.

It’s pointless

At the end of our night my date said she didn't want to walk to the bus stop on her own.

I said, "You won't be on your own. There's a guy behind us in a massive trench coat who's probably going there too."

Picked a girl up for a date

When I picked her up her brother said “Be careful, what you do to her, I’ll do to you!”
Soooooooo, I ate her ass.

When I found out my Tinder date was missing a foot, I nearly threw up.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

9 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a first date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times...

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

When I was driving my date home and she said “Turn here, onto the Pacific Coast Highway ...”

I knew I’d found The 1.

I was on a date with this girl yesterday who said to me "Your like the strong silent type, I like that" Little does she know

I have autism

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I only date black girls

Cause I hate meeting fathers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John goes to pick up his girlfriend for a date, and meet her dad for the first time.

As he walks in the house, he's greeted by his girlfriend's father who explains she is still getting ready and will be down shortly. They move to the living room where the family dog, Butch, is laying on the floor next to where John is sitting. John had pretty bad gas, and the room was silent. After ...

I asked a girl what time she'd be free for a date

She said 4:04

Guess she couldn't find the time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

Why do you get an error when you look for today's date?

Because your internet connection sucks.

The Golden State Warriors just suffered the second biggest sports collapse to date...

First probably has to go to Notre Dame.

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Eli5: "I once knew someone with narcolepsy, it's the craziest shit. One minute we'd be having a conversion, everything's fine. The next minute I'm having sex "

This joke from jeselnik's special, what does he imply?

Date rape? Or that he doesn't understand what narcolepsy is?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are getting ready for a date

She asked her husband “Does my ass look big in this dress?”

He replies “Honey, I’ll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.”

“I promise baby, I won’t be angry if you’re honest.”

“I fucked your sister.”

When you're on a date, how do you politely tell a lady that you need to go to the bathroom?

"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

A man took his date to a local country club.

When they arrived, he told her to sit down and he would go fetch their food.

Well, at this country club, there were different lines for everything. He went and stood in the pot roast line. Then the vegetable line, the bread line, the gravy line, and the salt and pepper line.

Finally, ...

While on a date a women goes to the bathroom

Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room

Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!

Man: It's not a big deal.

Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.

Man: ...............

Why should you never date an astronaut?

Because they always need space.

I used to date a girl named Miranda Wrights.

It seemed like everything I said to her, she would use it against me!

How do cows stay up to date?

They read the moos-paper lmao

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

So I went on a date and the girl told me she wanted it to be magical...

So I sawed her in half.

You should never date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman?

Two Kids

A girl won't date me because she'd be taller than me when she wears heels

It's her sole reason.

My buddy, who is in a wheelchair, had a date planned but she didn't show

It was the first time he got stood up

[OC] I am pretty good at keeping up with which date it is

April Fools!

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

Why should you not date a mathematician?

They have too many problems.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman asked her date what he calls his penis

"Magic Johnson."

"That good, huh?" She said with a sultry smile.

He replied, "No, I have HIV."

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I finally got a date for Valentine's day.

February 14th.

The date of a prisoner's freedom should be called a period

because it's the end of their sentence.

A man and a woman are on a date..............

Man: What is your job?

Woman: I’m a doctor

Man: Guess I won’t be needing this \*picks up apple and throws it across room\*

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

I asked my blind date to meet me at the gym... but she never showed up :(

...guess the two of us are never gonna work out

It’s a great time to date a Rams fan..

They are used to disappointment and aren’t expecting a ring.

What does a macho ask his date when he has an erectile dysfunction?

"Does this happen often to you?"

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops.

My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.

Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.

A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.

As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.

But then...

Mom told me this joke long ago, remains my favourite joke to date.

Rory fell down the stairs and broke his leg. He yelled to his friends,”Guys, call me an ambulance!”

So Rory’s friends started dancing around him singing,”Rory is an Ambulance, Rory is an ambulance!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John invited a girl over for a date...

John invited a girl over for a date. They had a nice time at the restaurant, but as they head to John's house, she doesn't seem very interested in sex.


As they get home, John asks, "Can we have sex?".


The girl says, "No. I'm saving my virginity ...

What do my date last night and this question have in common.

They were both ended inappropriately by a period.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Don’t date a calculus teacher

They’re gonna replace u

I used to date a girl obsessed with carpentry. Finally I said, “You have to choose. It’s me or the equipment!”

She chose the ladder.

it's difficult to date when you have OCD.

Every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I turn her off again.I

(Jimmy Carr)

For those without a date for Valentines Day...

I have one for you!

It’s February 14th.

You’re welcome! Enjoy it!

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ...

They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.

Last night I had the worst date ever. It was the pits.

Seriously, someone should have warned me I could have choked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here’s how you get the perfect prom date.

So you have the girl picked out, maybe not the prettiest to all, but in your eyes, wow. Now maybe not the hardest to get, but she still gives you butterflies talking to her.

Now you can’t simply walk up to her and ask, you gotta be smooth about it. After some thought you decide on flowers an...

My date let out a huge fart. I looked at her and she said

"You wouldn't believe how wet I am."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just got back from my Tinder date and she was confused as to why we weren’t having sex.

Apparently she doesn’t know the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you brag about the proportions of your dick on a date, carefully watch her reaction.

Because sighs matter.

Why do you never take a date to Olive Garden?

Because when you're there you're family.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

termites on a date

Waiter: What would you like to order, sir?

Termite: Table for two.

A young man is out for his first date with an older lady...

It goes very well, and they wind up in the back seat of his car, messing around.

"Put a finger in me..." she whispers.


"Now put two fingers in..."


"Put *four* in, baby..."


"Now put your whole hand in!"


Why did nobody want to date the miner?

Because he was a gold digger!

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