This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

I went on a date with a blond women last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

Never date a girl that plays tennis

They may be athletic, but love means nothing to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.

Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.

One Friday Night Bob's four Teenage daughter were all going out on a dates.

Bob told his daughters, "As soon as your dates arrive I'll talk to them. If I don't like them, I'll shoot them."

The doorbell rang and bob answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you?" Bob asked. The boy said, "My name is Teddy. I am going steady with Betty. We are getting Spaghetti. Is ...

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?

Rich.

A father’s three daughters were heading out of the house to go on dates

The first daughter said, “I’m going out with Joe, and we’re gonna see a show”

The father said, “A fine fella! Have fun my dear”

The second daughter said, “I’m going out with Pete, and we’re gonna grab a bite to eat”

“Sounds wonderful! Have fun my dear”

The third daughter ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

Why did nobody go on a date with Avogadro?

Because his number was too long

Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK

Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

So, the other day my landlord asked me out on a date.

I mean, they called it "an eviction" but I knew what they meant.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.

And then everything crashed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First date

A girl was going on her first date, and before she went her mother said "Listen carefully: Boys are only after one thing, so whatever he asks you, always say NO!".

So they go to watch a movie, then off to a restaurant for a bite to eat. At the end of the meal, the boy says "Do you mind if we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

Five years ago today I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to get married.

She said no both times.

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

Asking a girl on a date

I asked a girl that would she like to go on a date and she answered, that she'd love to, but some other time and with someone else than me.

I once had a date with a girl.

In retrospect, it wasn't enough food for two people.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date,

we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Don't date African cats

A lot of them are cheetahs and the ones who say they aren't are lion.

Why didn't the guy date the model with no legs?

He was lack toes intolerant

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

What did the woman say to Bill Cosby on their second date?

"Nice to meet you."

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

Condom expiration dates are so misleading

I get sick regardless of when I eat them.

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies.

"I love a man who cares about animals.

Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

News: Pope says men are now allowed to date nuns

...So long as they don't get into the habit.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

Decided to take a welding class with my new date.

It was quite the bonding experience.

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

What do you call it when two horses date?

A stable relationship

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny was on a date...

They were getting hot and heavy in the backseat and he reached down into her panties.

Her warm wet pussy opened slightly and he inserted a finger.

After a minute or so of finger banging she whispered in his ear begging him. "Oooh put another finger in."

Surprised he replied "Je...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My date..

I was at a gas station pumping gas when this cute girl pulled up next to me. She was in a Camaro and asking me questions about my car. Great convo we had, so i asked her on a date . I came to pick her up the night after, she was in a wheel chair! Surprised the hell out of me. So we went for a stroll...

I've got a mate who weighs 110kg and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

A man brings his date a bouquet of flowers....

Her: "Well I bet you expect me to spread my legs now?"

Him: "Uhh....I thought you'd just use a vase."

What roman never gets any dates?

Hidius

My wife dated a clown before we started going out.

I had some big shoes to fill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Italian girl was going on her first date

Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice.

Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea da...

I once asked a blind woman on a date

She didn't see it coming

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

What’s the perfect date?

DD-MM-YYYY is the most logical to me

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"

She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

Now That's A Good Date

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a ...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

What are four words you never want to hear when you go pick up your date at her house?

"Hi, I'm Chris Hansen."

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on a date with a lovely woman and we started talking about sex.

"I'm quite inexperienced. Could you give me some advice on how I might make a woman orgasm?" I asked.

She said, "I suggest that you use two fingers instead of one."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she added. "It's a good way to tell the barman that I'd like a double shot next."

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on a date the other day and told the girl “Wow you must be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”

“You just want to fuck me!” She exclaimed

I responded “Wow you’re smart too!”

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

I used to date a red head.

She didn’t have any hair just a red head.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

On our first date, we took turns humping the base of the Statue of Liberty

...we really got off on the right foot.

My mate set me up with a blind date.

Things got off to a bad start when I tripped on her stick and her Labrador bit me.

I encourage seabirds to date others in their species.

I believe one good tern deserves another.

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date shows u...

[First Date] Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper....

I used to date this German woman named Vera

Now, I make a lot of puns, and Vera always hated them and sighed annoyedly at them. Every pun I made: sigh sigh sigh.

We used to get into fights about it. Big, trench-warfare fights: I wanted her to stop sighing in exasperation, and she wanted me to stop making bad puns.

Eventually we ...

Two parents go on a date night and leave their son at home whom seemed to love fire.

When they returned, the house was covered in flames. The parents rushed to the police and fire fighters and asked “Where’s arson?!”

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

I only date girls who wear flavoured lipsticks.

I've got good tastin' women!

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

A man and woman were out for a date one evening at a fancy restaurant.

The waitress comes over to take their order.

The guy says, "I think I'd like a quicky."

The waitress says, "Excuse me!?"

The guy says, "I said I want a quicky."

The waitress slaps him.

The guy's date leans over and says, "I think this idiot is trying to order ...

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

I went on a blind date yesterday.

She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.

But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a politician on a date, and later that night if she could help me better understand trickle down economics.

She asked me if I was wealthy, to which I said no, and so she pissed on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a hot blonde out on a date

They have dinner and the chemistry is obvious from the beginning. After they finish, she asks him "do you know what a 69 is?" He says no. She says "Come back to my place and I'll show you".

They go back to her apartment, kiss and get in position. Then her stomach rumbles and she farts in his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste?

Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.

I'm sorry.

I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules

something about not having Chemistry together

I dated a robot for a while, but we broke up.

She was just too high maintenance.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl that had uneven legs

She had shoes made special for her and everything so she could walk normally.

Her name was Eilean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I wanted to name my soon to be born son Lance. My wife disagreed. She said Lance is too dated a name. I replied that since medieval times people have being called

Lance a lot.

What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date?

*"We have potential."*

I was at the grocery store on a date

The employees asked me to leave for sitting on the produce.

Billy and Brenda are on a date...

Billy is really the gentleman, pulling out Brenda's chair, pouring her drinks, ordering her the most expensive items on the menu and paying the full bill.

After a long meal and lengthy conversation, they start getting ready to go home.

Brenda, who had a great time, says, "This was won...

What’s the difference between juice and cider?

A date can’t end with you in juice.

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes on a date, and it's going pretty well.

At the end of the night, he asks her back to his place for drinks, and she agrees.

So they go, and things go as things do, until they're in the bedroom. Eventually she takes his pants off, and she sees his dick is tiny. An inch or two at most.

She starts laughing and says, 'Whoa there,...

I went on a date with an anorexic girl

She said, 'I don't want anything serious right now, I've got a lot on my plate'

I said, 'I doubt it'

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.