Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

I dated a beautiful perfect woman who had a twin.

My friends asked me how did you tell them apart from each other, I told them it was simple. I’m the other twin.

I scored a date with an energy drink.

Now I can say I went out with a Bang!

What do you call when a person with a foot fetish gets to smash on the first date?

*getting* *off* *on* *the* *right* *foot*

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I once dated this girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

Two internet routers went on a date...

Then they went down on each other.

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...

She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

[On a date] Her: So, what do you do?

Him: I’m working on eliminating all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s really impressive.

Him: Then I’ll move on to Capricorns.

When your date shows up in a white suit that's covered in honey...

You know she's gonna be a keeper.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

You should never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

Why can't traffic lights date each other?

Too many red lights

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

First date tip: If she asks, "Have you ever ridden a boat before?"

Don't say, "No, but a few boats have ridden me."

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

So I went on a date with this woman who didn’t stop using similes all evening...

I don’t know what I metaphor.

When going on a blind date, try opening with a joke you read on this sub.

This way you can ensure they are not some weirdo who’s on Reddit.

I went on a blind date with a real gorgeous girl.

I told her to text me when she arrived home.

That was three days ago, I guess she must be homeless.

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Growing up in the south , my dad told me to never date a virgin

He told me if they ain't good enough for their family, then they aren't good enough for ours.

My friend walked out on his date when she told him she had a deformed foot.

I told him he shouldn't be lack toes intolerant.

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

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A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver, and it’ll ...

Date: I should go…

Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

I once dated an English teacher

But when she saw my dangling participle, she was afraid I would split her infinitive.

10 years ago today, I asked my high school sweetheart out on our first date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

Both times she said no :(

I'm probably gonna date myself by saying this, but...

Will I go out with me?

On date nights, I lean over to my girlfriend, and in a sugary voice I say: “null, nada, nix, naught, zilch, zero”

Because she likes it when I whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

Oxygen and Potassium went for a date and

it’s totally OK

Abby's roommate had a blind date.

"How did it go?" Abby asked her.

"Terrible!"she answered. "He showed up in a 1950 Rolls Royce."

"Wow!" remarked Abby. "That's a very expensive car. He must be very rich. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date...

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

What does a necrophiliac bring to the first date with a girl?

A shovel.

An old protective father and his daughters who want dates

Jeremiah is your typical protective farmer and father. He has three daughters, all who’d like to date men but he has never allowed it. Now that they’re all above 18, he decides it’s time to allow them to go on their first dates.

As he sits on his porch, waiting, shotgun in hand around 7:00 PM...

Nuts and Dates

Lady to grocer: Mister, where are the nuts?
G: Lady, I don’t have any nuts.
L: Then where are the dates?
G: Lady, if I had nuts I’d have dates.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

Doctor and Engineer wanted to date the same girl

The girl said to both what can you do for me. The Doctor being well-off bought the girl a diamond ring and the girl smiled and said thank you. The Engineer brought the girl an apple and the girl was confused. She said "why did you bring an apple?". The Engineer replied "An apple a day, keeps the Doc...

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How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

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A wise old monk was planting a date tree in his garden when a young man walked by.

This confused the man, who knew date trees take 80 years to bear fruit, so he asked the monk:

"Why are you planting a date tree, when you will never live to enjoy its fruit?"

The old monk smiled amicably at the young man and answered:

"My son. Go eat a fat dick. It's my garden, ...

Why did the mage take the giraffe out on a date?

Because he was a necromancer.

Credit goes to my (imaginary) 7 year old.

Never date a girl

Never date a girl,



who can't respect your wife.

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

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I asked my Irish date if her parents were fully Irish.

She said, "Two turds."

I said, "Be respectful, they're your parents."

I told my date that I've got a thing for asses, but she didn't approve.

To be fair, I should've just said that I own a stable.

My girlfriend broke up with me at our favorite date spot. I was so shocked and heartbroken I got up and immediately stormed out the door.

And that's how I fell off the Ferris wheel.

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A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and tur...

Bolsonaro once dated a girl call Covid

it was ok though, she was 19.

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A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

A woman from Ottawa drives all the way to Montreal for a tinder date.

They meet at a local French restaurant. Half-way through dinner her date stands up and prepares to leave. Huffily, the woman asks, “you’re leaving because I’m not French, aren’t you?”. Her date responds, “No, it’s because you’re from Ottawa, and I only eat local”

I once dated a russian girl and told her she was "blyatiful"

We are happily married now with 2 tanks and a tzar bomb.

Where do baby seals go for date night?

To the club

How did the hot dog get a date?

He mustard up the courage to ask.

... I had the best date last night ...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

... I'll sure to try a peach tonight ...,

Never date a girl named Ruth.

If you two break up, you're going to be Ruth-less.

Rotating bezel? Personalized engraving? Date display?

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

I was on a this date once and I told her that I really know how to please women.

She said "Great. Please leave."

I went on a date and the girl asked me if I had any hobbies

Me: Yes *pulls a hamster out of my pocket* taxidermy
Hamster: and ventriloquism

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

How do you date a Karen?

Preferably by the C12 method.

I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass

As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

It was very difficult and challenging for me to date a blind girl.

It took me days to speak in her husband's voice perfectly.

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

I used to date a guy with a wonky eye..

I had to break up with him because he kept seeing girls on the side.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Once I had a date with a Saudi-Arabian hippie girl.

She didn't show up, I guess she got too stoned.

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An elderly couple goes out for dinner to the same restaurant they'd had their first date at 50 years before...

They have a little wine and grow tipsy. The lady asks her husband, "Do you remember what happened the first time you took me to this restaurant?"

"Yes," the old guy says with a wink. "I took you out back and made love to you up against the back fence."

She takes another sip of wine. "I...

The Pillsbury Doughboy doesn't date anymore

He's been burned too many times

Why didn't the octahedron date the tetrahedron?

They were platonic solids

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

The three dates.

A farmer wants to meet his daughters boyfriend before their date a few minutes later the doorbell rings the boy at the door says my name is Joe I'm here for Flo we are going to the show is she ready to go, later the door rings again and another boy says my name is Eddie I'm here for Betty we are goi...

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On our third date she said she liked to have sex with the lights off.

She should have also mentioned "not in a cinema".

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

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I had to change the date for my orgy, and everyone was pissed.

It's really hard getting 20 people to come together.

A farmer had three daughters, all of whom had dates on the same night.

The first date knocks on the door and says to the farmer,

“Hello, I’m Eddy and I’m here to take Betty out for a plate of spaghetti.”

The farmer lets them go.

The next date comes to the door and says,

“Hello, I’m Beau and I’m here to take Flo to the show.”

The fa...

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Those who plant dates don't harvest dates...

Once upon a time an old monk was planting dates in a yard,a man passing by noticed him and said,"Why are you planting dates knowing that you will never get to eat the fruit?"
Listening to him,the old monk replied with a kind smile on his face,"My son,go eat a fat dick,the yard is mine and I plant...

Why is it so hard to date fossils?

Because they're DEAD!

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My date said she didn't think a penis the size of mine could please her.

I really chode her.

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My dating life is like pulp fiction

One minute I feel like John Travolta. I got class, style, a nice car and I’m on my way to pick up my date.

The next minute I’m getting fucked in the ass.

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a guy and a girl are on a date and they walk past a pond full of swans...

... the girl says "hey, i gotta tell you i can talk to animals" so the guy is like "no way thats insane, prove it!" so the girl turns towards the pond and yells " HEY SWAN, FUCK YOU! ".

Why is a Detroit Lions fan the easiest to date?

Her standards are so low, because every year she gets disappointed by 55 men.

Expiry date

A wife to her husband: “Honey,what are you doing?”,
Husband: “I’m reading our marriage certificate.”
Wife:”what for?”
Husband:”I’m looking for the expiry date....”

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t w...

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