The 104+ Best Date Jokes

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.

There stood her date.

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.

The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.

The next date sho...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.

^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

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I always play Jenga on a first date,

that way she knows how strong my pull out game is

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

I dated a dentist a while back,

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

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I dated a girl who’s kink was to freeze my erect penis before having sex.

We eventually broke it off.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

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The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.

Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

I once dated a Turkish woman.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.

I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

Why did the girl not want to date the communist?

He was waving a lot of red flags.

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
...

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

This guy Joe goes to pick up his fiancé for a date in a brand new Porsche.

His fiancé is confused because Joe isn’t exactly a wealthy guy.

She says, “Where did you get this Porsche?“

Joe says, “It was in my garage.“

She says, “What was it doing in your garage?“

Joe says, “Well, I guess God put it there.”

She says, “That’s ridiculous!...

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

What date is also a command?

March 4th.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

I have a date with a hitman

He wants to take me out

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

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Second Date.

I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.

So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"

My wife dated a professional clown before she and I got together.

I has…some pretty big shoes to fill.

What do golf and dates have in common?

If you end up in the hole, you're doing something right.

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?

Her: *softly* holy shit

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

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I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

My tinder date said she was kinky

Turns out she has scoliosis

I went on a date with an Italian.

We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

Date.

I've got a date with a Lady who self identifies as a trash can...

But I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

On our first date my wife wanted to know my back story.

Told her it’s mostly ibuprofen and visits to the chiropractor.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

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What's the difference between a panda and a fuckboy on a date?

One eats shoots and leaves. The other eats, shoots and leaves.

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

Which angle are you most likely to ask out on a date?

Acute angle.

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

A girl I dated made fun of me for being colorblind

That's a huge grey flag for me!

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

[First Date] Her: I am really enjoying our conversation. Let’s get a drink and see where it goes.

Me: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed a...

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

A blonde walks into a blind date

“Nice to meet you” she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth

“So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work?” She asks the man

“Oh I’m an optometrist” he replies

The blonde flashes a big smile and says “I think this is going to work out after all, I’m a gl...

I went on a date with a red head once.

It was going smoothly and we talked for a long while over some beers. She kept spinning her hair around her finger and looked at me smiling. I took it as a good sign but turns out it was just a red hair ring.

I had a blind date

And she had a date with Brad Pitt.

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

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