How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

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A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver, and it’ll ...

I dated a girl that has the same birthday as my mother once...

Let me tell you, you do not want to get those gifts mixed up! I got them both a pearl necklace.

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it.

Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

A man tells his date

A man tells his date “ I work with animals”

And she said “ I love a man who that cares about animals, where do you work?”

And with a grin on his face the man said “I’m a butcher.”

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue…

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'

The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'

The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'

The man says, 'I know.'

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I was on a blind date with a woman the other day when she told me that she was "Pansexual"

...so I said "That's not a problem with me, but I am curious what your preference is though...



skillets or woks?"

[First date] Her: So what do you do?

Him: I’m working on eliminating all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Next, I’ll move on to Capricorns.

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

What does a biologist wear on a first date?

Designer Genes

[First Date] Her: So what do you do for a hobby?

Him: I collect complete season DVDs of 90s sitcoms.

Her: Do you have Friends?

Him: No.

Bob takes Jenny to the fair for their blind date ...

Bob asks Jenny what she wants to do first. Jenny says excitedly, “I want to get weighed!” Bob says okay, and they go to the Guess Your Weight tent and Jenny wins a stuffed bear.

Bob asks what she wants to do next, Jenny says, hesitantly, “I ... I want to get weighed ...” Bob thinks this stran...

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Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got

small tits

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What do you call a communist couple having sex after their first date?

Russian things.

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

I dated a teacher once

At first there was chemistry between us.

When we broke up it was history between us.

Now that she's moved away there is geography between us.

So this guy asks the girl of his dreams to be his date for the prom and she says “Yes.”

So the guy is very ecstatic and wants to make a great impression...

So he goes to the flower shop to buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a corsage but the line is very long and he has to wait over an hour to buy the flowers. But he wants to make a good impression so he waits and gets the f...

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

My wife wanted to go out on a nice date.

She's been quiet eversince we left McDonald's. I'm guessing it's because they have no candles.

Two atoms go on a date...when suddenly, one of them drops an electron and gasps. The other atom asks...are you sure?

I'm positive! Replies the other atom.

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What do you call a person who only dates homeless people?

A hobosexual.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

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A few years back, I dated a Weather Girl...

When she broke up with me on our first anniversary, she said

"Our sex life is like the rainfall in Egypt. 7 inches a year."

But it's funny, I don't remember fucking her a second time.

Girl says she only dates 6 foot guys

I only have two feet :(

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Great 1st Date Last Night

I had a great first date with a woman last night. We started kissing and she stopped and said......

"I just want to let you know that I don't give blowjobs or have sex during the 1st six months we date".......

I said, " Awesome, I look forward to seeing you again in May"

It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...

I said "Its a scarf"...

What is your idea of the perfect date?

Mine is DD.MM.YYYY, the US format is so confusing....

What did Al Capone say to his capos after going out on a 1st date with an undercover cop?

She is a very good listener.

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date ...

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Why doesn’t Liam Neeson’s daughter date?

She’s taken.

I forgot my date’s name...

...who knew fruit could be so difficult?

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I used to date a half-Asian. Her mom was Chinese and her dad was Japanese

A shark ate her bottom half.

What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them?

A BOWLD MOVE!


it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy

What did Adam and Eve do on their first date?

They shared a side of ribs.

Why should you date a taxidermist?

Because if the relationship is dead they can make it look alive

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The unimpressed date

Went on a date and we got to talking about ourselves. They were unimpressed by my 10 inch penis, my 100 door car and my 1000 dollar an hour job. Sheesh, what is it with non-binary people?

The first recorded joke dates back to the 10th century A.D. and goes:

“What hangs at a mans thigh and wants to poke the whole that it’s often poked before?” A key!

I was on a date with Medusa

One look into her eyes, and I was hard as a rock.

Dates are expensive and complicated.

And the morning after is, all too often, very awkward.

Then there's the messiness. And each one's got a bloody stone in the middle. Honestly, dates are just honey that's stuck on Extra Hard mode.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

I asked a blind girl out on a date in braille

and she left me on felt

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

Two fruit flies are out on a date.

“This date is amazing!”
“Yeah, but it’s already half eaten.”

Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal.

No Connection.

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

Why should you date a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

I used to date nuns.

But I couldn’t get into the habit.

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...

She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

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I once dated this girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

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A guy and a girl walking home on a first date.

On the way home the girl says, I am cold, so the guy wraps his jacket around the girl, she says "I just love a man who gives me his coat when I am cold."

He replies "Well no man want's a blow job whilst your teeth are chattering."

Everyone argues over writing dates 2 October or October 2, either way

10/2 your own damn business.

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair...

What's the worst thing to use beyond its expiry date?

A friend with benefits.

We went out on a date

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

Dating these days as a Karen is hard, all of my dates act like teenagers.

What I is need is a MANager!

4 reasons why we should date

A man asks the prettiest girl he has ever seen out.

She responds: "Name 4 reasons why I should date you."

He says: "Sure, I'll give you 4 big reasons:

* A - I'm very attractive. I'm the tallest guy in this town.
* B - I'm smarter than 99% of men. My IQ is above 130.
* C...

I was out on a date with a girl.

At one point during the evening she brought up that she had absorbed her twin in the womb.

I thought the date was lovely, but she didn’t want to see me again. I guess it was rude to ask if she was a Gemini.

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

I scored a date with an energy drink.

Now I can say I went out with a Bang!

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

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I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

Are you today's date?

Because you're 10/10!

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If a man knows a womens eye colour after the first date

She has small boobs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

What do you call when a person with a foot fetish gets to smash on the first date?

*getting* *off* *on* *the* *right* *foot*

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

Two internet routers went on a date...

Then they went down on each other.

What did the bottle of rum say to the glass of beer after their romantic date together?

Alcohol you later!

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

When your date shows up in a white suit that's covered in honey...

You know she's gonna be a keeper.

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I’m such a nice guy but my crush would rather move to Africa and date a huge jerk.

Probably some Chad.

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A young man goes on a date with a very short girl.

Despite her stature she is pretty sweet and beautiful. The date is going well and after a long walk he decided to walk her home.

As they are walking they start holding hands, kissing and finally they start making out against a wall in a dark alley. The man is getting horny so he sees a hook u...

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

Need a date? Use my pickup line

*GET IN THE VAN!*

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Growing up in the south , my dad told me to never date a virgin

He told me if they ain't good enough for their family, then they aren't good enough for ours.

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

I once dated a one legged girl who worked at a local brewery.

She was in charge of the hops

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

I had a blind date at a Vietnamese restaurant last week.

Turned out she didn’t speak any English, so I never figured out if she was friend or pho.

Why can't traffic lights date each other?

Too many red lights

I once dated a homeless person.

It was always nice not worrying about where to drop them off.

So I went on a date with this woman who didn’t stop using similes all evening...

I don’t know what I metaphor.

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

What does a necrophiliac bring to the first date with a girl?

A shovel.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

My friend walked out on his date when she told him she had a deformed foot.

I told him he shouldn't be lack toes intolerant.

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