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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"W...

You know why you should never date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

Never tell a date you like your women like you like your coffee

Especially if you're about to order a flat white.

Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?

Just press 2 for a while!

I once dated a girl with twelve nipples, sounds kinda weird...

Dozen tit?

I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket.

The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.

I don’t sleep with dates on the 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, or 13th date

It’s my prime dating rule

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

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Emma liked David. But she wouldn't date him.

Emma liked David. He was a great guy. He was handsome, considerate, and had a good career ahead of him. But she wouldn't date him after she saw his premature ejaculation.

That was his shortcumming.

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

me: how about a date? her: eww, no me: fine

*eats all the dates myself*

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I once dated a chick who had a side gig as a clown. [NSFW]

Her pussy always tasted funny.

Two cannibals go on a dinner date

The drinks are good, the conversation is great.

When the waiter comes to the table one says to the other, "I don't know about you, but I'm having a ball."

What do you call a Christian Mingle date who never returned your message?

The Holy Ghost.

Why did Titanic leave its date?

He couldn't brake the ice

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

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A guy and a girl go out on a date.. It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get that shit again."

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

I used to date a dentist.

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What's the best part about dating a homeless person?

When the date is over you can drop them off anywhere.

"All the women that want to go on a date with me are such robots," I told my brother.

"You're wrong," he said, "all the women that want to go on a date with you are the opposite of robots."

"What? How?"

"One's artificial intelligence and the other is genuine stupidity."

A blind man is preparing for a dinner date

First, he takes a shower. This is somewhat difficult for him because he is blind. Next, he puts on his nice clothing. After a bit of adjusting, he believes he is ready, so he asks his friend, "How do I look?"

His friend replies, "You don't"

My brother and I took an Irish lady on a date.

Everything went perfectly until she tried to make us feel insecure about our weight. At the end of the night she said, "I had a great time, tanks."

My friends laughed at me when I said I had a hot date and said that she was imaginary.

The joke is on them, though. They’re imaginary, too.

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

I dated a protester once. It was great.

If I wanted to know what was wrong I could look at the sign.

Why doesn’t Chuck Norris go on dates?

Nobody can take him out.

Marriage expiration date

Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”

Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”

First Date

Dad to the guy: I want her home
before midnight

The Guy: But you already own her home.

Dad: “turns to his daughter” If you don't sleep with him, I will.

Credits to r/dadjokes

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What's the difference between a panda and a fuckboy on a date?

One eats shoots and leaves. The other eats, shoots and leaves.

Thirsty teen takes his hot blonde date to prom

Walks into the school gym and is pleasantly surprised to find no punch line.

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

I will never date a trans person, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Besides, my wife would kill me.

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

Two friends are chatting when one says 'I had a date with identical twins last night' the other friend asks 'any luck?'

'Yes and no' replied the friend

So my blind date said "Tell me something quirky about yourself" and I said "Whenever I'm talking to someone and I think they're a waste of time, I start blethering on about Russian tanks"

She said "Wow, that's actually kind of weird" and I said "Yeah, but actually, the T-34 and the KVs really gave the Germans a shock in 1941".

I thought I was pretty lucky… I used to date two girls Kate & Edith at the same time.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It turns out you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

A man and his blonde date were at a restaurant

“So,” said the blonde, “do you have any kids? I know your divorce with your previous wife was hard”

“Yeah,” replied the man, “I have one thats just under three”

The blonde, feeling like her date was trying to point out her stupidity said, “I may be a blonde, but I know how much 2 is”

As I rolled from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained "Is that it?"

"Well,we did doggie, so it should count as 14 minutes"

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

“I'll be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and, if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.”
...

My boyfriend told me he refuses to date girls named Rachel....

....I accused him of Rachel discrimination.

A guy goes on a date with his girlfriend named Alice.

One of the things he’s always wanted to see are the Northern Lights, so they travel to Norway.

They find a nice log cabin and stay a few nights there. The boyfriend absolutely loves his time there and getting to see the Northern lights.

When they return to their home country, however, ...

My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said

It depends how it's prepared.

I think it's terrible when people get cold feet close to the date of a wedding and cancel

The right way to do it is to divorce many years later.

I dated a mathematician in college, she wanted to give me a Möbius striptease.

The clothes just kept coming off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and...

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

A man and a woman were out on a first date together.

Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly a...

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

I saw the expiration date was six months past.

Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

"How was your blind date?"

A college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" The roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

I told my date that a man like me is hard to find, and she didn't believe me.

So I said, "Just ask the police."

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

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Any body got a good go to story when on a date to make them laugh … here s mine .. true story buckle up

So I went on holiday to Benidorm with my mate Paul

Now we’re on the beach , red hot day and I’m laid there getting nicely frazzled with a cold beer in one hand and an iPhone in the other hand ,watching the sun give it its best

Now ,all of a sudden my mate Paul gets up and says
<...

Prayers before going on a blind date

Woman : oh god, I just hope he is not a serial killer,psychopath,needy, incel, stalker, poor,balding, ...

Man : god , don't let her be fat..

I went on a date with a blond women last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Dated a Greek god, now I have cold sores

Thanks a lot, Herpules

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

What did the Battery say on his Blind Date?

I have a lot of energy and I am a pretty positive guy. But I do have a negative side.

A man with a stutter was killed in prison with only 3 days until his release date.

To bad he couldn't just finish his sentence.

Why shouldn't you trust a date who has a second watch?

They're a two-timer

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

One Friday Night Bob's four Teenage daughter were all going out on a dates.

Bob told his daughters, "As soon as your dates arrive I'll talk to them. If I don't like them, I'll shoot them."

The doorbell rang and bob answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you?" Bob asked. The boy said, "My name is Teddy. I am going steady with Betty. We are getting Spaghetti. Is ...

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A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

Went on a date with Medusa…

It was awkward. I was rock hard the whole time.

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

There's a new app for people recovering from bad dates.

Anyone ever tried \*Cinder\*?

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

Why wife keeps telling me to stop singing "stand and deliver" every day because it's too dated and 80s.

I refused. I was Adam ant.

I only date women who have been vaccinated

Not because I'm afraid of getting sick, I just know the ones who are vaccinated don't mind a little prick.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

How did a cow know the date?

He read a moospaper.

I went out on a date recently with my ideal woman. Highly educated, funny, compassionate, beautiful. When she told me she was a gynecologist, I knew she was the one for me

...she really checked a lot of boxes.

A Chinese woman went on a blind date

A Chinese woman went on a blind date. Her date turned out to be a very handsome young man. They went to an expensive restaurant and had a great time together. The man even paid for everything.


When they were alone on their way back. The man suddenly revealed himself to be an angel in disg...

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I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.

Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.

Why is Beethoven great music to play on a date?

It’s romantic

The cheap date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend keeps complaining how cheap I am, so today out of the blue I surprised her by taking her out for drinks and cookies and pie," he tells the bartender. "Was she surprised?" the bartender asks. "I definitely think so," the guy replies. "Turns out...

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

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On our first date, she said she always thought the dick in a box gag was funny. I figured I'd try it out a couple of dates later, but before I could even open the box, she screamed...

..."Why the fuck are you proposing so soon?!" and ran away.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

If I was to date a girl that's really into bees

She's a keeper

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf ...

An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?

Rich.

I asked my date when her birthday was...

She responded "March 1st" so I walked around the room and asked again

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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