My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

I'll never date an apostrophe...

The last one was too possessive.

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them.

They’re made up too

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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So I just got home after a date and the girl wanted to join me for some coffee.

I said no.

Who the fuck drinks coffee at 10PM?

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

What does the date on the wedding ring mean?

- Best before.

(My first post)

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

I forgot to keep my subscription to Scrabble Club up to date.

Now they've started sending me threatening letters.

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Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.

For his part, Bill was ve...

A farm boy went on a date...

The next day after the date, while he was baling hay, one of his friends told him that the girl he went out with thought he was too shy, and should have made a move on her. He looked at his buddy and said, "Tell her to meet me by the rockpile tonight. I'll be a little bolder.

I used to date a baker

Had to bread up with her, she was too kneady and only in it for the dough.

A blind date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When th...

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On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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My friend went on a date with the host of Dirty Jobs

She said it was a fun time, but she couldn't get past the fact that he has a Mike Rowe penis

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A Man is on a date with a woman

and they pass by a pond that has swans in it. The woman tells the man that she can speak to animals. The man thinks to himself, wow I can't believe it. He tells her,
"Prove it."
So, she turns to the swan that is resting by the shore of the pond and yells,"Hey swan, fuck you!"

Date

Woman: How about we go out for dinner tonight?

Man: I don’t date married women, I’m sorry...

Woman: ...but I’m your wife

Man: I make no exceptions

Always treat your date like your mother

Me: “ Can i have 20 $ “

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

My dyslexic friend could never score a second date.

He only wanted to 96 in bed.

Oxygen and Potassium went for a date

And it was perfectly OK

Good cammo pants are like girls who want to date me.

Hard to find and I can't see myself being inside them.

After our first date, this girl told me things wouldn't work out because I was "too Canadian"...

I told her I'm sorry and offered her our homemade maple syrup and pancakes, and two tickets to tomorrow night's hockey game for wasting her time. I'm still not sure what she meant by "too Canadian" though.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

How does a woman greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you."

10 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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Peters first date with Stacey was going well.

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Stacey made an announcement

"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you $50.00."

"Well," Peter shot back.

"I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back to your house it will cost you $100.00."

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

I dont date dwarfs...

My standards are too high for them.

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What do you call someone who only dates broke boys?

Hobosexual

I was on a date with this really fit girl.

Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..


Then the jet landed.

Why do laxatives have a best before date?



If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

What is your idea of a perfect date?

DD/MM/YYYY

other formats are so confusing really

A girl is excited to finally go on a date...

... Her date picks her up and asks her what she would like to do. She says, "Weigh me." She they go inside and she weights 135. Then they have a great dinner. He then asks, "What would you like to do now?" She says, "Weigh me." They find a pay scale and she now weights 133. They go to a movie and ea...

What do you say to a vegan on the first date?

Stop crying, I'm trying to eat.

First date

Girl: "So, what do you do in life?"

Guy: "Well, I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers!"

Girl: "Oh my god, that's amazing!"

Guy: "Thanks! So, what's your sign?"

I went on a blind date.

I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?

She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..

She said no my name is Sharon.

My friends have set me up on a date tonight, they told me she's a paleoanthropologist and wrote her thesis on Pleistocene man.

I really want to make a good impression so I've been watching every episode of Morph I can find.

A young man was walking his date home ...

when they passed by a graveyard. The dusk was settling in and as the shadows were creeping, she locked her arm in his. He turned and asked, "A bit eerie isn't it?"

"Yes, isn't it."

As his hand slides around her waist, he asks, "Getting creepy isn't it?"

She says, "Yes isn't it...

A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates...

The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun. Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.

Shortly afte...

What did the rich man say when he used money to get a date?

Thanks for the stranger kind gold!

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My date wanted to have sex in the back of my car.

I drove her around for hours.

A friend once set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."


I felt like a total idiot waiting in the club wearing nothing but a diaper.

How do you make her laugh on your blind date?

Just show up.

My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older!

Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?

(first date)Her: If you could pick, what kind of animal would you be-

Me: Bird

 

Her: aww, so you could fl-

 

Me: I like worms

I went out on a date with Bigfoot thinking he would be a nice guy.

Yeti stood me up

Why didnt Einstein ever go on a date?

Because to him-everything was relative!

This girl who I was on a date with told me I looked pretty average.

What a mean thing to say.

"So how'd the blind date go?" I asked my wheelchair-bound friend.

"Awful," he said. "She just walked into the restaurant, lifted me out of my chair, propped me against the table, and left."

"Aw, man, that sucks," I said. "I can't believe she stood you up."

Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK

After, Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium. That was an OMg moment

Why does Jeffrey Epstein only date 23 year olds

Because there's 20 of them.

I’m not much of a small talk guy so on the first date I asked:

If money wasn’t a problem what would you be doing right now?







Her: having dinner alone

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

I finally decided to stop trying to date older women.

It was fun at first, but they always get offended if you guess too old.

A guy on a speed date with a woman

Guy: Hello! I am John. Nice to meet you.

Girl: Nice to meet you too!! I am Jane. What do you do for a living, John?

Guy: I am an Astrophysicist.

Girl: OMG!! That's so cool. I am a Gemini..

(Happened in real life, so can't take credit for it)

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

Date between two paraplegics

"Who takes the first step?"

I don’t do dates

That’s disgusting, I just eat them

My tinder date called herself "AnalBabe86"

But all she did was complain my tie wasn't on straight and I held my fork funny.

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Slightly adult content: I used to date a girl so wide down under, I had no way of knowing if I was in or out. It was like...

Schrödinger’s pussy.

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

What do whales do on a second date?

Net flicks and krill.

How many girls do you have to date before you’ve dated literally tons of girls?

Half an American girl or 14 French girls.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

I told her being funny second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked “what’s the best way?” I said a big knife
She laughed and said “you’re funny”
I said “wise choice”

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

A guy wants to take his girlfriend on a romantic dinner date...

She recommends an unusual restaurant that just opened: you have to wait in line for every food item you want.
Like a gentlemen, the man waits in the myriad of food lines before him. He waits in the potato line, he waits in the chicken line, and even waits in a gravy line. He comes back after a w...

[On a date] Her: So tell me something weird about yourself.

Me: I can see dead people.

Her: Wow! Any hobbies?

Me: Grave digging.

Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

A circus acrobat asked me out on a date...

It didn't work out, he was too high strung. Due to not knowing the ropes, I couldn't meet him at his level.

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After a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home.

After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. He leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on!...

I took my date home to meet my parents for the first time and Dad said, “Why? You could do so much better than him!”

I said, “Dad, I’m right here.”

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

I only date anti-vaxxers

because then you have to pay the child support for 8 years instead of 18

I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw

I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."

"No," she replied, "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."

I went on a date with a girl who's left breast was made out of timber!

....just kidding. That would be ridiculous.



Wooden tit.

Reasons to date me

- I'm Single
- For God's sake.
- Please

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!



As the two people from different regi...

If I went on a hiking date with YouTube, I’d say to her...

...”You put the ‘Ad’ in my ‘-venture!’”

How do you date a communist?

Ignore the red flags

After a date, I asked this girl for a 68

“68? What’s that?” She asks

I replied “it’s where you blow me and I owe ya one”

A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick.

It was clearly a big red flag.

April 15, 2019 is the date the Notre Dame cathedral....

Ex-spired.

I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i'm with Clara.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

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The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

Has anyone seen today's date?

Apparently it can't be found.

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"



...

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To future women I may potentially date...

Am I going to be your sugar daddy and buy you a bunch of fancy shit? No. But I will be your Sweet & Low daddy and direct your attention towards the clearance section.

Blind Date: Sooo i’m a huge country fan

Me: (*trying to impress her*)
I know China is an incredibly huge country.

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

I dates a jewish girl once

When she asked for my number, I said "We have names".

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

I went on a blind date with a pirate.



It was dark by the end of the date and she said, "Can you see me home?"



I said, "No, love. I can barely see me car."

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(NSFW) Snow White and Prince Charming are on a date.

They kick the 7 dwarves out so they can have the cottage to themselves to do what they're gonna do. The dwarves decide to spy on the couple, and peek in the window by making a ladder and standing on each other's shoulders.
Prince Charming kisses Snow White, and the dwarves start telling each oth...

When on a date with a German, never ask them to get the check.

Last time, it got misheard after World War One.

I wouldn't date anyone from China

That's a HUGE red flag

Never date a moonshiners daughter...

She only wants to make you liquor

I was supposed to go an a date with someone in a wheelchair

But I thought I’d give her the opportunity to be stood up

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

I asked a girl what time she'd be free for a date

She said 4:04



Guess she couldn't find the time.

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

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A man and his wife are out on a date night at a bar.

A drunk comes up to his wife and starts hitting on her. “Baby I'd fill your bathtub with beer and drink all of it after...”, Her husband steps in and tells him to get lost.

Another drunk comes up. “Honey I will fill my swimming pool with beer for you to swim and drink all of it...” Her husban...

I used to date a girl who was cross-eyed.

I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else the entire time.

When I found out my Tinder date was missing a foot, I nearly threw up.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

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Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

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A man and his wife are getting ready for a date

She asked her husband “Does my ass look big in this dress?”

He replies “Honey, I’ll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.”

“I promise baby, I won’t be angry if you’re honest.”

“I fucked your sister.”

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A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

Why couldn’t the disabled man find a date

Because he wasn’t a stand-up guy overall

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

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