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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

What’s the perfect date?

DD-MM-YYYY is the most logical to me

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind.

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"

She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

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A young Italian girl was going on her first date

Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice.

Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea da...

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper....

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I asked a politician on a date, and later that night if she could help me better understand trickle down economics.

She asked me if I was wealthy, to which I said no, and so she pissed on me

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date shows u...

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

A man and woman were out for a date one evening at a fancy restaurant.

The waitress comes over to take their order.

The guy says, "I think I'd like a quicky."

The waitress says, "Excuse me!?"

The guy says, "I said I want a quicky."

The waitress slaps him.

The guy's date leans over and says, "I think this idiot is trying to order ...

[First Date] Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Billy and Brenda are on a date...

Billy is really the gentleman, pulling out Brenda's chair, pouring her drinks, ordering her the most expensive items on the menu and paying the full bill.

After a long meal and lengthy conversation, they start getting ready to go home.

Brenda, who had a great time, says, "This was won...

I went on a blind date yesterday.

She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.

But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...

What did the geologist say after her date?

Hematype.

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A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first

He said he only deals with known quantitties.

I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules

something about not having Chemistry together

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

I was at the grocery store on a date

The employees asked me to leave for sitting on the produce.

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste?

Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.

I'm sorry.

I used to date this German woman named Vera

Now, I make a lot of puns, and Vera always hated them and sighed annoyedly at them. Every pun I made: sigh sigh sigh.

We used to get into fights about it. Big, trench-warfare fights: I wanted her to stop sighing in exasperation, and she wanted me to stop making bad puns.

Eventually we ...

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I once dated a girl that had uneven legs

She had shoes made special for her and everything so she could walk normally.

Her name was Eilean

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A guy goes on a date, and it's going pretty well.

At the end of the night, he asks her back to his place for drinks, and she agrees.

So they go, and things go as things do, until they're in the bedroom. Eventually she takes his pants off, and she sees his dick is tiny. An inch or two at most.

She starts laughing and says, 'Whoa there,...

“I love working with animals” he says to his date.

She replies, “wow I love a guy who is an animal lover! Where do you work?”

He replies, “i am a butcher.”

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family

Now I have strong passwords for life

I went on a date with an anorexic girl

She said, 'I don't want anything serious right now, I've got a lot on my plate'

I said, 'I doubt it'

I was on a date with a girl who called me shallow.

I was like “Yeah, but only on the surface.”

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date?

*"We have potential."*

Never date a llama that has kids

You don’t need the baby llama drama

I went on a date with a nice girl and we both had a shared interest but the date didn't go well. What was the shared interest

We both like boys

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How are pooping at someone else's house, and a first date the same?

You really hope both *go down*.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.

Her name was Eileen and she was in charge of the hops.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I wanted to name my soon to be born son Lance. My wife disagreed. She said Lance is too dated a name. I replied that since medieval times people have being called

Lance a lot.

A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common.

When asked about their experience,

the Sheep went: “Bah”

and the Goat went “Meh”.

My wife asked me why she can remember all the important dates in our lives yet I cannot.

I replied that an elephant never forgets.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

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A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers.

He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks "Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?"

The man says "To have sex"

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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I met a really nice girl on a first date.

Her: I bathe in milk, can you go to the shop and get some please.

Me: Pasteurized.?

Her: No just up to my tits will be fine...

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone

**Bank Teller:** So— is this not a robbery?

**Me:** No, It is.

My date saw my bottom shelf tequila selection and made fun of me for being cheap and poor

They were definitely cheap shots.

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

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Why did the duck go the the beautician before his big date?

To wax out his butt quack


Hahahahahahaha

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date?

It had thrust issues

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

A guy takes a girl on a date to the county fair...

When they get there, he asks her what she wants to do now. She says "I wanna get weighed." So he takes her to one of those guess your weight booths and she gets a prize. He asks her again what she wants to do. Again, "I wanna get weighed".

This goes on the whole night. Finally the guy gets f...

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

They say when you’re young, making friends is easy but finding a date is hard. And it’s reversed when you’re older.

Now that I’m older, I can truly say that they were both hard then and even harder now.

Hey guys, I got a date!

They were a hot single in my area, too! I'm lucky!

A 70 year old woman finally agreed to a blind date.

After ordering his food, the man said, "I have to be careful what I eat. I have dentures. Do you wear dentures?"

The woman, who was also clearly wearing dentures, but was too self-conscious to admit that, answered, "No, not me."

"Oh really?" said the man, "I don't think you are very to...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

What's an army general's favorite date?

March 4th

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"

I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

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What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

I won't date just any font;

It has to be my type.

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

What did the newsreporter say to his date?

I may not be a weatherman, but I can say you should expect more than a few inches tonight

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

It seems to be discriminatory, but my State's COVID-19 vaccination scheduling website has given everyone with low IQs appointments for the same date next week.

February 29th.

I went on a date for the first time and it went very poorly.

My wife agreed it was very awkward and told me we shouldn't try it again any time soon.

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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

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A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor.

He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was single, didn’t think she was too bad looking, but coul...

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream ...

Ladies: They say you shouldn’t date apostrophes - but I disagree.

Sure, they can be possessive but they’re the only one ever findin’ that g-spot.

My friend said she won’t date anyone who has had COVID.

Some people have no taste.

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I went on a first date.

As I gazed into her eyes, I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I knew right there...

I had roofied the wrong glass.

I was on a date with this girl and she started telling me about her violent ex relationship.

"Thats really terrible. How bad were the beatings?" I asked holding her hands.

She replied, "It depended on how angry I was at the time."

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A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver, and it’ll ...

[NSFW] Did you hear about the sun god's date with your mom?

I heard he Ra dogged her all day long.

First date

A man goes to the store to buy some condoms. The clerk asks if he needs a bag. He says no thanks, she's not that ugly.

My brother said he can't date someone without feet.

I guess he is lack-toes-intolerant.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

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I dated this mime/clown for a while.

After every argument, the silent treatment was awful, but the make-up sex was incredible.

Why did Sally’s nice boyfriend leave during the first date?

Because her clothes were washed with deter-gents.

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

My friend wants to date a neurologist

I told her to forget him; too many head games

Why couldn't 4 ask 5 out on a date?

He was 2 squared

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