UPJOKE
daygo steadygo outblind dateappointmentengagementseeescortdate stamppresentyeartodayassociatedouble datemean solar day

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

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I always play Jenga on a first date,

that way she knows how strong my pull out game is

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

I dated a dentist a while back,

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

Dinner date

After a fancy dinner date, a young couple was walking back to their car, a beautiful Porsche Boxster. Upon arriving they realize that they have found themselves locked out as they left the keys inside the vehicle.

The man says to his date “hand me one of your hair pins, straighten it out and ...

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I once dated a Turkish woman.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.


I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

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The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...

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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

A boy went on a date with a girl.

He was a little nervous, but he remembered some advice from his father, that three never-fail subjects for small talk are food, family, and philosophy.

"So," he asks, "do you like noodles?"

"Nah."

"Ah."

Try again. "Do you have any brothers?"

"Nope."

"Ah....

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

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Second Date.

I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.

So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
...

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

I dated a blind girl once...

I thought she was cheating on me. What a relief it was to find out the truth! Turned out she wasn't seeing anybody.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

Why did the girl not want to date the communist?

He was waving a lot of red flags.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

So I'm at a fancy restaurant with a date

The waiter asks if I want red wine or white wine with the meal. "I don't care; I'm color-blind." My date laughs. I guess she doesn't have any sympathy for the color-blind.

So the waiter brings over a bottle. The label says "2013." I tell the waiter I want some wine that isn't 10 years beyond ...

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

What date is also a command?

March 4th.

A girl I wanted to date said I had the face like the back of a boat.

I didn’t reply, but I gave her a stern look.

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Anniversary dinner date

For their 1st wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because they had never been there before.

For their 10th wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because it had a world-class bartender who made the best signature cocktails....

I have a date with a hitman

He wants to take me out

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I dated a girl who’s kink was to freeze my erect penis before having sex.

We eventually broke it off.

Date.

I've got a date with a Lady who self identifies as a trash can...

But I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?

Her: *softly* holy shit

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

What do golf and dates have in common?

If you end up in the hole, you're doing something right.

My trucker friend asked me if I knew the date.

I said 10-4 good buddy

My tinder date said she was kinky

Turns out she has scoliosis

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?

Just press 2 for a while!

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

I went on a date with an Italian.

We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

Why is Beethoven great music to play on a date?

It’s romantic

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

My wife dated a professional clown before she and I got together.

I has…some pretty big shoes to fill.

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Where did André 3000 take his girlfriend on a date?

A Japanese restaurant, because she loves miso and this he knows for sure

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[Walking in park] Date: "Impress me" Me: "I can talk to animals" Date: "Prove it"

Me [to duck]: "Hello you fucking duck"

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

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I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

I had a blind date

And she had a date with Brad Pitt.

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I used to date a twin

People would ask me alll the time, "how do you tell them apart?" And I'd reply, "Well it's simple you see, Jill would always paint her nails blue, and john had a cock."

A good way to get to know your date

is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom’s maiden name.

Then login and read all their emails.

This guy Joe goes to pick up his fiancé for a date in a brand new Porsche.

His fiancé is confused because Joe isn’t exactly a wealthy guy.

She says, “Where did you get this Porsche?“

Joe says, “It was in my garage.“

She says, “What was it doing in your garage?“

Joe says, “Well, I guess God put it there.”

She says, “That’s ridiculous!...

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

My date asked me why i was still living with my parents at 24 years of age?

I told her whose parents was i supposed to live with?

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed a...

[First Date] Her: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: I collect box sets of 90s sitcoms.

Her: Interesting. Do you have Friends?

Me: No. I’m very lonely.

I once dated a vampire.

He sucked.

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Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

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