After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

My first date told me to just be myself 100%

So I went home and started playing some Minecraft

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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,

“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

A guy's with a girl on their first date.





He tells her “I work with animals every day!”

She replies “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He responds “I’m a butcher.”

I won a year supply of dates once

Turned out it was just a calendar.

What do you call a double date in Alabama?

A family dinner

A year ago today I asked the most beautiful woman out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous...

I’ve never met herbivore.

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

I dated an African girl....

we just clicked

I used to date Rick Astley.

I guess you could say that we’re no strangers to love.

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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

Two mosquitoes go on a date.

The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”

On first date :

She: What do you prefer cats or dogs?


Me: I don't see them anywhere in menu, which page are you on?

I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.

But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

So the guy takes the blind date to a carnival

"What do you want to do first?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she replies, so he takes her to the "guess your weight" booth. She wins a teddy bear, but doesn't seem very pleased.

"What do you want to do now?" he asks.

"I wanna get **weighed**!!" she says.

"But ...

Why did the soldier and the terrorist go on a date?

Because, the soldier was ordered to take him out

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are...

you have small boobs....

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Man asks woman on first date: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see! Now, is that one word or two?

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

How did the date go?



It was OK

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

Hey girl are you today’s date

Cause you lookin like a 1/10

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

Don't date anyone who dislikes the Muppets...

Clearly, they aren't a fan of Kermitment

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

I used to date a woman who had a breast on the center of her back

It looked funny but she was fun to slow dance with

I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

Why do we say food has an expiration date?

Really, we should be saying it’s shelf conscious.

I dated a communist once

She told me to seize her means of reproduction

I dated a ghost once.

But she was kinda possessive.

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

I went on a date with a dyslexic girl, and

she ended up cooking my sock.

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Things I will never do if we date:

- give you up
- let you down
- run around and desert you
- give you an orgasm
- make you cry
- say goodbye
- tell a lie and hurt you

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I once dated a girl with severe Eczema...

She had a cracking pair of tits!

I'll never date an apostrophe...

The last one was too possessive.

I went on a date with this girl...

and for some reason we got to the topic of celebrity crushs
I told her that mine was Cardi B

She told me that her crush was Paul Walker, I immediately replied with 'so we have similar tastes'. She gave me a confused look so I elaborated by saying 'well both of them used to be wrapped arou...

It's hard to date vegan

She keeps eating those flowers that I bring to her...


:(

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.
HER: That's so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

My wife emailed me pictures of our first date, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I’ve always had trouble with emotional attachments.

you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

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My brother Jacks off to a hot date tonight

Fuck I forgot the apostrophe

If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

Why are homeless chicks easy to date ?

Because you can drop them off anywhere.

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Peters first date with Meg was going well...

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Meg made an announcment,"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you 50.00."

"Well,"Peter shot back."I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back into the city it will cost you 100.00."

I dated a wizard once

They gave me hogwarts.

It wouldn’t quidditching.

I dated a woman at work and got arrested.

Apparently cutting her in half to count the rings was my first mistake.

"So how was your date?"

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

"That wasn't a good idea"

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Why is a vegan bad to date?

Why is a vegan bad to date?

They don't like having meat in their mouth.

I once dated a girl who had a pink seashell tattoo on her inner thigh.

It was pretty, when you put your ear on it you could smell the ocean.

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My friend went on a date with the host of Dirty Jobs

She said it was a fun time, but she couldn't get past the fact that he has a Mike Rowe penis

I was going to go on a double-date last week.

But in the end I couldn’t find three other people to go with.

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I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

I dated a magnet once

she was very attractive.

I got in trouble on a date once, I didn’t open the car door...

...and instead I just swam to the surface

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[NSFW] I used to date a German girl....

I used to date a German girl who liked to rate my sexual performance out of 10. Well one night I flipped her over and started to fuck her ass! She must have loved it because all the way through she was screaming nine nine nine!

Dating Joke

I used to date a girl who wore a patch over her eye. One day when we were together, she said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye.

Me on a date

Date - I’m a country fan

Me - Same, Russia’s pretty big

Date - that’s not what I meant, anyway this date isn’t working out, would you mind calling me a cab?

Me - ok, you’re a cab

I met a girl at a date auction and fell madly in love.

But our love was for biddin'.

Dated a blind girl once..

It didnt work out, we didnt see eye to eye.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

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