Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling. ~ Michael Kosta

A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates

The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun.

The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?...

What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.

All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.

Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they

My landlord asked me out on a date

He said I should be out of the house by the 17th

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Two teenagers are on a date...

The date is going well, and after some making out towards the end of the evening, the guy asks if he can get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, but if I do that for you I feel like you won't respect me after" she says. After a year and a half of dating, they get married. On their wedding night, the new husband...

Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

5 reasons to date me

1 - there’s

2 - a hundred

3 - and

4 - days

5 - of summer vacation

Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date

Everyone was like “OMg!”

Princess likes to date a lot of men

So when he proposed she took him to a crocodile infested lake she threw the ring in the water and said "Take it out" , so he took it out. She got really happy and said " All the other morons jumped in the lake".

Why couldn't the hexadecimal man get a date?

**195951310**

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I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist.

I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say "massage therapist".

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day

Yes, it's February 14th.

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HER: what is your perfect idea of a date?

**ME:** DD/MM/YYYY... Other formats can be confusing

**HER:** listen here you little shit!

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

On a first date, wear a bad outfit so the other person can see your great personality...

...if you have a horrible personality, wear Chanel.

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Got my first date of 2020 already lined up

I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up

The Date..

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

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A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.

Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.

Fanny with and ‘r’,...

I used to date a tennis player...

But love meant nothing to her.

I once dated a clairvoyant.

But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather.

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My therapist said I should take myself on a date to learn to love myself.

I couldn't because I don't date broke people.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

A man and his date are out on Valenhtines Day

They stop by a liquor store , he picks out 2 bottles of vodka and goes to pay for them. The cashier looks at them and asks "would you like a bag?" the man looks at his date then back at the cashier and replies "I think the vodka will work, but thanks."

My friend had a date with a guy from Alabama yesterday.

He told her it wouldn't work out, he is not a family type.

What is the difference between you and a calendar? The calendar has dates.

Happy valentines everyone!

On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
...

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.

First I dated a bonfire

People thought she was hot.

Then I dated a magnet, people found her attractive.

Lastly I dated a power outlet. I still don’t know why people were shocked about that one.

I just got a date for Valentine’s Day!

Apparently it’s tomorrow, February 14.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date... Today I asked her to marry me...

She said no on both occasions.

I once dated a masseuse...

On the first date she massaged my shoulders.

On the second date she massaged my feet.

On the third date she gave me a full body massage.

But, in the end it never worked out.

She kept giving me mixed massages

Why aren't german fellows good to date ?

Because they always say their sausage is the wurst.

My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together. But I could not open the file ..

I have trouble with emotional attachments

I don't write dates often...

...but when I do, it's definitely still 2019.

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Date goes well...

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: sure

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: *looking visibly scared* W-why? Who’s up there?

[On a date] Her: What do you do?

Me: I post on r/jokes.

Her: No, I mean—how do you support yourself?

Me: I try to convince myself that they are funny.

Blind dates make me so nervous.

I'm always afraid she's going to hit me with that stick.

Tinder Date: "Oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic."

Dorian Gray: "Yeah, I get that a lot actually."

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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So a girl browses for guys to date on a website

She demands three things: that he must never hurt her, that he will never run away, and that he must be very good in bed.

A while later, her doorbell rings and she answers the door. To her surprise, it was a man with no arms, no legs, just like Nick Vujicic.

He introduces himself: "Hi,...

I read an article today about a raisin cheating on its date

I like to keep up with currant affairs

I used to date a dyslexic woman.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

It's hard to go on a date with a librarian

They're always booked

A man and a woman are out on a first date together...

Everything is going great and they are getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman comments on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thinks quickly and r...

Why don’t napkins date?

They have trust tissues

My first date told me to just be myself 100%

So I went home and started playing some Minecraft

What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,

“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous...

I’ve never met herbivore.

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

When on a first date you should always carve your initials together on something.

It's the most romantic way to show them you have a knife.

I just bought the most up to date train set there is

It even comes with a replacement bus service

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