UPJOKE
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Given Jokes

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I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

\-Is Crimea ours?

\-Yes, it is.

\-And the Donbas?

\-Also ours.

\-Kyiv?

\-We got that too.

Satisfied, he drinks and asks:

\-Thanks. How much do I owe you?

\-5 eur...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

A logician has just given birth.

The logicians friend asks her “is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “yes”

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

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I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Until one day a young woman named BlueB...

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denis...

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

At any given moment the urge to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim-away...

...a whim-away,a whim-away,a whim-away...

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

A man was being given a physical exam by a doctor...

... and the doctor noticed a thick callus on the bridge of the man's nose.
"I wonder what caused that" said the doctor.
"Oh, that is from my glasses" said the man.
"That shouldn't be happening" said the doctor. "Have you tried contact lenses?
"Hell no" said the man. "How much be...

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

During a psychiatric patient's evaluation, he's given an inkblot test.

Psychiatrist: Look at that inkblot and tell me what you see.

Patient (studies the inkblot for a minute): I'm not sure, doctor, but to me, it looks like Rorschach Inkblot Series 12, card #7.

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A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...

Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.

Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I...

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance,

but with somebody else.

A Ranger was given the job of

hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an aboriginal Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The Ranger scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothi...

A woman has just given birth to her child.

The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

My wife told me over breakfast she dreamed I'd given her a diamond ring

"I wonder what it means," she said.

I smiled but said nothing and left for work.

That evening I brought her a small gift-wrapped package. Oh you should have seen how excited she was! Brought a tear to my eye.

She opened the present with trembling hands: a little book titled "How...

My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.

The Dendrologists of the Year Award was given today.

I was in the top tree!!!

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What ...

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has ...

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An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband...

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.

"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wo...

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?

Decaffinated

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned ...

A boy is given the math problem...

What is 2 + 2? The boy is instructed to go home and find out the answer.

On his way home he encounters an accountant. The boy asks the accountant. What is 2+2?

The accountant replies, “If you have exactly 2 and add exactly 2, you get exactly 4.”

The boy moves on and encounters...

The Queen has given Andrew a new title...

The Nobody Formerly Known as Prince.

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

Given inflation...

...when does Nickelback become Dimeback?

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Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

Why aren't cremations given out for free?

Because you have to urn them.

My faithful old shredder has finally given up the ghost after 15 years without a single problem.

I'm tearing up here.

My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, Prince Andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis.

At least they will be well groomed.

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

Have you heard that Queen Elizabeth’s heir no longer will go by his given name?

That’s right. From now on he would like to be called “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince”

It was my birthday yesterday and I got given a rubbish thesaurus

It was rubbish

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his house.

In the den, there was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked the host, "When did you bag him?"

The host proudly replied, "Three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex wife."

The visitor then asked, "What is he stuffed with?"

To which the host replies, "My ex wife."

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions....

It was dreadful

Why was the inmate given an eraser and white out?

Because his case was handled by the Department of Corrections.

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Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

My wife and I have given a lot of thought on this...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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i’ve given up masturbating for an entire month

sorry. bad punctuation.

i’m giving up! masturbating for an entire month.

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Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

I was given 2 months to live

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live.

So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

A cow was recently given the badge of bravery.

Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

The doctor has given me two months to live.

I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

A man is given a job at the railroad

However he has no experience with trains. On his very first day he kills 200 senior citizens going around the curve at 600 miles per hour. This is all happening in Texas, and so he is sentenced to death. For his last meal he has 13 Bananas, which he eats peels and all. When they turn on the electric...

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A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace.

He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

"What on earth is this nurse doing?!" He asked.
The other nurse casually replies "this man has a very rare condition. I...

A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens.

guess he was a bad conductor

Nike has given its staff a week off for a mental health break.

Big tick.

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

A former practitioner in sleeves and tramp stamps, Luke Skywalker had given up his artistry to save the galaxy

But when he was finished, he returned to Tatooine

Given there's a pandemic. Knock knock!

W.H.O.'s there?

Unfortunately not.

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Why was the prostitute given a day off? [NSFW]

Load Management.




(I'm so sorry.)

THIS CORONA QUARANTINE HAS GIVEN MY WIFE ALZHEIMERS!!

She doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

Given enough time, everything becomes new again... however, this is definitely a repost

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.
Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to chan...

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say....

She's Pansexual.

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

I've given up cycling at the local velodrome

It's getting me nowhere

Given Isaac Newton's links to the slave trade,

perhaps we ought to abolish gravity.

It would be a weight off his shoulders.

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At birth I was given a choice.

Amazing memory or a huge dick.

I don’t remember what I picked.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

My friend told me the captain of the Ever Given is in denial.

I replied "No, he's in the Suez"

Now that this girl has given me head..

She's getting ahead of herself.

An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men:

The sir prize.



Please feel free to improve this one >\_<

What award is given to the best young hen?

The Pullet-zer Prize.

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

A blonde reporter is given a choice...

Her boss tells her that she has to get a good scoop within an hour or she’ll be fired. She thinks for a while, then, her face lights up, and she runs to her car and drives off. Her boss waits an hour, then texts her to ask where she is. She responds with an address, and after driving there, her boss...

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women...

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

The growth of coronavirus in a given area is dependent on 2 primary factors:

1. How dense the population is

2. How dense the population is

At birth i was given a choice

At birth I was given a choice between a magnum dong or the ability to remember every detail of my life I forgot what I picked.

What do you call aspirin when given rectally?

An Analgesic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

My wife had just given birth to our first.

As I held my daughter in my arms for the first time, pride welled up inside me but there was something else as well that I couldn't place. After a time she looked up at me and started to cry. Confused, I looked to my wife.

She smiled knowingly saying, "I think she's hungry."

It was in ...

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That...

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

Do you know you shouldn't sleep with a naked dwarf after she has given birth? (Slightly NSFW)

You will be accused of doing the Bare MiniMum.

Son: Dad, what are this 'trans fats" given on the label?

Dad: Trans fats are both groups of people you can't make fun of.

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

My liberal friend asked me why we think owning gun is a God given right when noone in Bible had one.

I corrected him that Paul had epistle...

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

Bono from U2 says he's given up on alternative search engines like Bing and will just use google from now on.

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

Scientists have given a woodchuck a catapult.

So far the answer is none at all.

A North Korean man was arrested and given 15 years for calling Kim Jong Un a fathead

1 year for insulting the Supreme Leader and 14 for revealing a state secret

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was given a choice

I was given a choice either have a great memory or a huge dick. So my friend asked me which I chose. but you know what, I can’t remember.

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

I've given up asking rhetorical questions.

What's the point?

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

My friends and I were given the death penalty

We pleaded to the judge that if we die, we die together. So instead of sending us one by one with an electric chair, they brought the electric couch.
I guess we're about to get execushioned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've given up on cooking.

It always starts off well. Then it just turns to shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virgin Mary had just given birth to her child in a barn

The three wisemen are coming to visit and bring gifts. The first one walks into the barn and hands Mary a present. The second one does the same and Mary thanks them both. As the third one was trying to walk into the barn, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe and yelled "Jesus Christ!" to which Mary r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was given $30 by his mother to do shopping with.

However, on the way to the store, he spent the money on a teddy bear.

As he had no money, he then decided to go home. On the way, he saw that his neighbour's wife was in bed with another man, and that the neighbour was coming. He walked into their house and hid in the closet with the lover.<...

Got given a compliment about my parking today.

Someone stuck a note to my windscreen that said "Parking Fine".

That's nice of them.

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.

The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.

The third man sees this and figures out that the other men...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her.

So it makes sense that they’ve been given to Prince Andrew.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

Why were hurricanes and tropical storms originally always given women's names?

Because when they first come along it's all wet and wild with lots of suckin and blowin, but by the time it's over and they leave - your house is gone, your boat's gone, your truck's gone...

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