An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

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A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

Magicians are celebrating 100 years of sawing people in half

I'm split in two about it.

A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.

As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, “I’ve told you karma will come to bite you!”

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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A sixty-year-old couple was celebrating forty years of marriage...

A sixty-year-old couple was celebrating forty years of marriage when a fairy godmother appeared and told them that she granted each one a wish. The wife immediately and enthusiastically said that she would like to take a trip around the world with her husband. In her hands came plane tickets and boo...

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Guy walk into a bar and says "Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job."

The bartender says, "Hell let me buy you one too!"

The guy, "Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will."

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A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary ...

They rent the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. The wife undresses and says, "25 years ago, when you first saw me naked, what were you thinking?" The husband says, "I was thinking that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!"

"And what are you thinking right no...

Hey! Everyone here at r/Jokes is invited to my party celebrating me making my final mortgage payment!

Don't get me wrong -- I still owe like $190,000, but I'm just not going to pay anymore.

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

I just watched a horse race where the rider was celebrating before he crossed the line.

That's what you call premature jockey elation.

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman...

"What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today"
"Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?"
"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.

It's my thirty second birthday after all.

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

There was a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary by having a round of golf together as was their weekly custom since they had met.

The husband was set to tee off as his wife was waiting for her turn in the cart.

"You know honey?" the husband said. "I have a confessions to make. Years ago, after we were first married, i had an affair. It did not last long but i never told you and i wanted to tell you now."

His wif...

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

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A Man is Celebrating His First Blowjob

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want six shots of tequila,” responded the young man. “Six shots? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.” “No offence, sir, b...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

I was just looking out my window at my neighbor's back yard where their son is celebrating his college graduation with a few friends.

So sad those kids have so much student loan debt that they all have to share one ratty-looking cigarette.

I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day.

It's irrational.

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A priest is celebrating mass.

He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

An Asian couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After a wonderful dinner with family and friends they're back home reminiscing when the wife suddenly turns to the husband with an eyebrow raised suggestively and says "Since it our 50th anniversary, tonight we do whatever you want."

"Anything?" he asks. "Anything!" she replies. The man thinks for a long time then gives her a devilish look and says, "I want 69." The wife looks bewildered. "You want Beef & Broccoli now?!"

a woman walks into a bar and takes a seat across from the female bartender

"I'll take a shot of anything, I'm celebrating taking the Bechdel test."

The bartender pours her a whiskey and says, "think you'll pass?"

"I just did!" she says as she downs the shot.

Twins celebrating their 102nd Birthday (Long)

The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures.

He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture...

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I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.

She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.

Celebrating Cake Day with one of my favorite jokes... How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year.

It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th.

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A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

3 blondes celebrating

3 blondes arrived at a bar cheering and chanting "26 days' 26 days' 26 days". They ordered champagne and starting their cheering and chanting again. At this point the bar tender became very curious so he took the champagne to the table the blondes were sitting at personally. He said to the blondes ...

A special celebration...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on...

The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve

What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?

It's in the present

Merry Christmas everyone!

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

Being a man means never celebrating International Men’s Day.

Because every year we forget what day it is. Just like we forget what day our anniversary is.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender obliges, and the man takes 1 shot, 2 shots and 3 shots, no problem.

Impressed, the bartender inquires "What's the occasion for the 3 shots?"

The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Being the ...

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Bob and Mary are celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary.

The local news decides to do an op-ed on them. The reporter asks Bob, You two have been married 75 years, what's your secret?

Bob says...Well on our honeymoon, we decide to take a trip to the Grand Canyon. We rent some donkeys and start our adventure. An hour in, Mary's donkey slips on some ...

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A grown up man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

Right a‌‌fter t‌‌hem c‌‌ome f‌‌our s‌‌hots o‌‌f J‌‌aegermeister a‌‌nd f‌‌ive o‌‌f a‌‌bsinthe.

The b‌‌artender s‌‌ays, "‌‌Whoa t‌‌here b‌‌uddy. T‌‌hat's a‌‌ l‌‌ot o‌‌f s‌‌hots. W‌‌hat's g‌‌oing o‌‌n?"

The m‌‌an r‌‌eplies, "‌‌You k‌‌now, I‌‌ t‌‌urned 5‌‌0 t‌‌oday a‌‌nd I'm celebrating my...

How do we know America is Queer?

You've never heard of anyone celebrating a straight-centinial, have you?

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d li...

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What a coincidence

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, Im celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. Im celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "Im a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they...

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