Contrary to popular belief, Santa was born in the USSR.

If you had to deliver that many gifts in one night, you'd be Russian around too.

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

Contrary to popular belief, Children are not a natural occurrence...

Turns out they are Man-made.

A rabbi, a hindu and a lawyer go to work on a farm...

When it comes time to sleep, the farmer says he has only two beds available, so one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The hindu is humble and goes out to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later there's a knock on the farmer's door, it's the hindu. He says there's a cow in the barn and it...

The Flesh is Weak

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rab...

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don't pick it up.

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

The Old Joke About Beliefs:

Man walks into a doctors office and says

“Doc, I think I’m dead, can you help me?”

The doctor tells him he’s clearly alive, but the man won’t believe it. After thinking hard about it he asks “would you bleed if you were dead?”

Man says “Obviously not”.

So the doctor prick...

Contrary to popular belief, Mount Everest is not packed with climbers all year round...

It only gets busy at peak times.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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Contrary to popular belief there was more sex on the TV in the 50s and 60s than there is now.

Modern TVs can't support the weight.

God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wal...

Jehovah’s Witnesses have some strange beliefs.

Like they believe I’m gonna open the door.

Marriage Advice

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a moron?"

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

There is a popular belief that if you accidentally drop your mobile into the water....

you should put it in a bag full of rice and leave it over night to suck out the moisture. Recent studies shows this is not true. If you leave this bag over night chinese kids will come and repair your phone while you sleep. Rice is just their lunch. O.o :D

What does the insane centrist do when you question his beliefs?

Killing people left and right.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

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My great grandad died for his own beliefs.

He believed he could wank on the bus.

Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.

Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

When a flat-earther finds conclusive evidence against their beliefs...

...it’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

Contrary to popular belief, Benjamin Franklin didn’t discover electricity.

He was just really shocked by it.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

My girlfriend left me because of her strong beliefs...

She strongly believed I had money.

I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family

She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.

Cuddly bear

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three...

A philosopher and a priest argue about their beliefs

So the priest says to the philosopher condescendingly: "Look friend, what you're doing is, you're looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that simply isn't there."

The philosopher thinks for a minute, nodding his head, and answers, "You're right, but I do it almost exa...

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

This really crashes my belief system.

Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year.

When asked about his religious beliefs, Donald Trump states that he...

"definitely believes in a higher tower".

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Buster the farting dog...

A guy was at his girlfriend’s parents’ house, meeting them for the first time. He was understandably nervous, especially because he was trying desperately to hold in his gas.

At one point, shifting in his seat, he accidentally let one slip and it reverberated quite loudly on the leather chai...

Two nuns, who were in Africa to spread the gospel, ran out of gas with their jeep just outside a remote village they had visited.

One of the nuns remembered they had a small gas station of sorts in the village, so they decided to walk back and get some gas for their jeep. They couldn’t find any can in the car, but one of them grabbed a potty from their sanitary equipment and said it would suffice, and off they went. As they re...

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

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A man died and was on his way to heaven

When he reached heaven, he saw Jesus standing in front of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to have some small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when people bend over in front of m...

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

A man named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not ...

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

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When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

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I call my penis Tom Cruise.

It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

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A Iranian, a Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert...

....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish".

The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we ha...

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