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Belief Jokes

Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.

Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The Bible.

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

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My dad went to jail because of his beliefs.

He believed he could masturbate on the bus.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

Contrary to popular belief, Santa was born in the USSR.

If you had to deliver that many gifts in one night, you'd be Russian around too.

Contrary to popular belief, Children are not a natural occurrence...

Turns out they are Man-made.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don't pick it up.

If a theist has belief in a god and an atheist has non-belief what does that make agnostics?

“May-believers”.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground!

Jehovah’s Witnesses have some strange beliefs.

Like they believe I’m gonna open the door.

Contrary to popular belief, Mount Everest is not packed with climbers all year round...

It only gets busy at peak times.

A man named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not ...

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

This really crashes my belief system.

Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

Contrary to popular belief, Benjamin Franklin didn’t discover electricity.

He was just really shocked by it.

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

There is a popular belief that if you accidentally drop your mobile into the water....

you should put it in a bag full of rice and leave it over night to suck out the moisture. Recent studies shows this is not true. If you leave this bag over night chinese kids will come and repair your phone while you sleep. Rice is just their lunch. O.o :D

What does the insane centrist do when you question his beliefs?

Killing people left and right.

When a flat-earther finds conclusive evidence against their beliefs...

...it’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world.

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

My girlfriend left me because of her strong beliefs...

She strongly believed I had money.

I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family

She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.

There only way to insult my religious beliefs...

...is to accuse me of having them.

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Contrary to popular belief there was more sex on the TV in the 50s and 60s than there is now.

Modern TVs can't support the weight.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

When asked about his religious beliefs, Donald Trump states that he...

"definitely believes in a higher tower".

A philosopher and a priest argue about their beliefs

So the priest says to the philosopher condescendingly: "Look friend, what you're doing is, you're looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that simply isn't there."

The philosopher thinks for a minute, nodding his head, and answers, "You're right, but I do it almost exa...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"

The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."

The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."

Indignant,...

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion

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An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

Are you RACIST?

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The Fre...

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wal...

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

I want you to know I'm not racist...

Like I said. I'm not racist. I have nothing against people of color, any kind of spiritual belief, or any political backing.

However. I do have something against amputees. I don't know what it is about them, but I just feel like they're missing something.

Two nuns, who were in Africa to spread the gospel, ran out of gas with their jeep just outside a remote village they had visited.

One of the nuns remembered they had a small gas station of sorts in the village, so they decided to walk back and get some gas for their jeep. They couldn’t find any can in the car, but one of them grabbed a potty from their sanitary equipment and said it would suffice, and off they went. As they re...

Frisbeetarianism

It's the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

Optimism

The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a threesome.

What did the cow say to the flat earthers?

Your beliefs are udderly impossible

*edit* spelling

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

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Russian version of the guillotine joke (different punchline)

(fyi: Russian belief is that if anything goes wrong during the execution, it is divine intervention, and it is every bad mojo to try to execute a 2nd time if the prisoner survived.)

So...

The Germans catch 3 spies in Berlin during WW1. A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian. They wan...

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Buster the farting dog...

A guy was at his girlfriend’s parents’ house, meeting them for the first time. He was understandably nervous, especially because he was trying desperately to hold in his gas.

At one point, shifting in his seat, he accidentally let one slip and it reverberated quite loudly on the leather chai...

A little girl's cat died.

A little girl's cat died. She loved the cat very much, and so when it died, she was devastated beyond belief. Her mother and her take the cat to the backyard so they could have a funeral for it. The little girl is in tears as they bury her cat.



"Don't worry, sweetie," says the mom in...

If a man hits a woman while driving his car, who's fault is it?

Contrary to popular belief, it is the man's fault. There is no reason for him to drive in the kitchen.

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A man died and was on his way to heaven

When he reached heaven, he saw Jesus standing in front of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to have some small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when people bend over in front of m...

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There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk.

When the bar closes he gets up to go home.

He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door.

As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.

He stumbles over to her and punches her in the face.

The nun is shocked beyond belief, but bef...

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the c...

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