Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

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My great grandad died for his own beliefs.

He believed he could wank on the bus.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

When a flat-earther finds conclusive evidence against their beliefs...

...it’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

Contrary to popular belief, Benjamin Franklin didn’t discover electricity.

He was just really shocked by it.

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Contrary to popular belief, I'm an optimist

I am confident that I'll die tomorrow

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It's a well known belief that pigs have 30 minute lasting orgasms

Yet that can't be further from the truth considering that the one I fucked didn't appear to have any.

"Once you question your beliefs then it's all over"

~Adolf Hilter

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Religion is...

An excuse to piss on other people's beliefs you know nothing about while thinking your own weirdo beliefs are absolute truth without any sort of proof.

Good thing I'm an atheist so I'm above all that.

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

There only way to insult my religious beliefs...

...is to accuse me of having them.

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer

Are driving through the countryside one night and their car breaks down. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late to take the car to a repair shop but that they can stay the night until morning. However, he informs them that he only has two beds and someone will have to sle...

My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.

Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

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Contrary to common belief, only 5.7 million Jews were killed during the Holocuast, for you see...

the Nazis were known for rounding them up.

This really crashes my belief system.

Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year.

My girlfriend left me because of her strong beliefs...

She strongly believed I had money.

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Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

A little girl's cat died.

A little girl's cat died. She loved the cat very much, and so when it died, she was devastated beyond belief. Her mother and her take the cat to the backyard so they could have a funeral for it. The little girl is in tears as they bury her cat.



"Don't worry, sweetie," says the mom in...

I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family

She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

A philosopher and a priest argue about their beliefs

So the priest says to the philosopher condescendingly: "Look friend, what you're doing is, you're looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that simply isn't there."

The philosopher thinks for a minute, nodding his head, and answers, "You're right, but I do it almost exa...

What is a crazy cat lady's religious beliefs?

Cat-holic

Whenever I speak to religious people about my beliefs, I receive a lot of judgement.

It seems that Jesus is the only one who truly accepts me for who I am!

When asked about his religious beliefs, Donald Trump states that he...

"definitely believes in a higher tower".

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion

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