UPJOKE
panicanxietydreademotionphobiariskfrightconcernacrophobiaawehorrorafraidintimidationapprehensionworry

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Fe Fi Fo-bia

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings...

I have a complex complex complex.

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

Why is 10 always living in fear?

Because it is smack bang in the middle of 9/11

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

I have developed an irrational fear of elevators

Thankfully, I can take steps to avoid them.

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me to my therapist: I have a fear of the Grease soundtrack

Therapist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Me: Aaaaaaaahh-

Therapist: Keep talking, boy keep talking!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH-

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a king asked his prime minister to seek for men that don't fear their wife.

The minister immediately announced in the kingdom that any man who don't fear his wife come to the booth in the town square and take a black or a white horse and those who fear their wife can take a cake for their missus.

Hoards of men came but no one mustered courage enough to take the hors...

Some people have a fear of heights.

Not me, I have a fear of widths.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants...

Feefiphobia

Which group does the LGBTQ+ fear the most?

The LGBTQ- because they will cancel each other.

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat

I have a debilitating fear of agoraphobics

Luckily I don’t see them out that much.

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

I once threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back…

I now live in a constant state of fear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

A man starts to fear he's not unique

He confides to his friend and says "Everywhere I look, I see people who look and dress like me. All my favorite TV shows are the most popular ones, and the music I listen to is listened to by millions. I have a very normal job and no particularly interesting hobbies. Even my name is one of the most ...

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Q: What is one fear you can only get over slowly?

A: A fear of speed bumps.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

What’s a crips biggest fear?

A blood test.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that

Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I’ve got to want to help myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.

Bastard put me on Xanax!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happ...

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

Red shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt! " The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and l...

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

I have a fear of madness.

My doctor says I am just crazy.

In Soviet Era, the local party boss tells people to gather around the main city square and declares: Comrades! Come forth and let us know of your problems and complaints, I'll see to them personally.

Everyone remains silent in fear, but then suddenly Comrade Petrov steps forth and starts complaining: Akh! Comrade we are so miserable! We work so hard in the cold! There's nothing to eat! Our wages are unfair! The medicines don't work when we're ill! Bureaucrats demand bribes to get work done! The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

What do you call the fear of Vietnamese soup noodles?

pho-bia

It’s really hot outside but fear not, my car has the deluxe 2fifty AC feature.

2 windows down, driving 50 miles per hour!

I'll never understand people who fear change

It's like they have no cents at all

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair

so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ....

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder.

Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.

They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says,

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I told a therapist that I was trying to overcome my fear of ghosts.

His answer left me scared since then.


"That's the spirit."

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

Jeremy Clarkson on the farm.

After a disastrous first year on the farm Jeremy Clarkson hatches a new plan and gets ten sows and a hog to make lots of piglets.
He calls the vet and asks for any help and what to look for. The old vet tells him if the hog has been successful the sows will be asleep on their backs with all for ...

I hate having a fear of going to sleep...

It gets really tiring.

Superior

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts.

He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"

"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

What vegetable does captain Jack Sparrow fear the most?

The leek.

I have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other

It's a complex complex complex

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hit a wall trying to cope with my irrational fear of sex

But I eventually got over the hump

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

I have a great fear of stairs

I just always feel they are up to something

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Sex worker's biggest fear?

November

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

We’ve been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop.

But we just can’t seem to nail down a date.

Pessimists are like German vegetarians.

They fear the wurst.

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A challenge you can't win...

A man walks into a bar, and spots a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what its for. He says "We have a little contest going on. If you put down 20 dollars, you have to walk up to the big guy at the end of the bar and slug him in the face". The man says "Hmm, not bad, I think I could...

What five letters are the most feared in the NCAA Tournament?

COVID

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: I think you have a pathological fear of getting married. Do you understand the symptoms?

Man: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly!

I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[At the therapists] Man: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist:That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally got over my fear of masturbation.

It felt great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do Japanese restaurants fear the most?

A fat man.

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

A german tourist took a cap in Cairo

The cab driver ran a red light.
- “Hey you crazy? “ The German screamed.
= “Don’t worry Habibi. I’m a professional“
Replied the cab driver

Second light he also ran.

- “You gonna kill us man! “ The German screamed in fear .
= “Don’t worry Habibi. I’m a professional“...

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

A wise old man said to me once, "The things you fear are the things you will one day encounter in life."

Never have I been so afraid of a million dollars.

So i thought i could get over my fear of math jokes

But in the end i was 2^2 to tell it.

Cigar

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.