A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."

The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.

"I do," says the man.

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

I have a fear of fences

I just can't get over it

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I went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.

Bastard put me on Xanax!

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Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

The only thing flat earthers fear...

Is Sphere itself

A teacher asks her students about the thing they fear the most

One girl said spiders
Another student said heights
And then a boy said "Evil A-men"

The teacher confused asks who are they and the student said "I dunno but when I finish praying I ask god to "deliver us from Evil A-men"

A man gets sick and, fearing he might have Covid, goes to get tested

When the results of his test come back he gets called in and the person asks him, “first, are you a Democrat or Republican?”

The man says, “what? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, if you’re a Democrat you’ve got Covid. But if you’re a Republican it’s just a hoax.”

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[At the therapists] Man: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist:That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

Whats something that young boys love, but grow to fear as they get older?

Having a stroke.

blondes vs brunette

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and ha...

Whats a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why were German tanks so feared in battle?

They didn’t always look reicht.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

I have a fear of over complicated industrial facilities

It's a complex complex complex

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

what was sleeping beauty's biggest fear ?

Bill Cosby

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

Fear of Covid-19 is a wonderous thing for workers.

A wee cough gives a week off.

I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings

A complex complex complex

What day does the egg fear the most?

Friday

I have this pathological fear of two letter words.

I get incredibly scared just thinking about it.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
That bastard gave me Xanax...

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As a true God fearing Catholic man, there are only two things I hate in this world....

Homosexuals and super hot attractive young men.

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Take some steps to avoid them.

(Sorry for the dumb joke and if it's a repost, quarantine is hard.)

I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

I have a fear of over designed buildings

It's a complex complex complex

With over 1,000,000 people infected with coronavirus in the US, I’m beginning to fear for my own life

Thank god I live in America.

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A man is told by a friend that he needs to seek some help for his irrational fear

So he goes to see a new therapist. The therapist asks the man what his fear is. The man responds:

"I am afraid of the Backstreet Boys"


The Therapist then responds:


"Tell me why"

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

What is the fear of palindromes called?

Aibohphobia.







It's funny because it's true.

A guy from NZ told me not to fear the reaper.

So next time that old man near the school offers me candy, i'm going to take him up on his offer.

David Tennant only has one fear.

David Tennanteater

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

This Coronavirus fear is getting out of hand...

I accidentally sneezed on my monitor, and my antivirus software started running.

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Small cake day joke..

Went to the doctor about my fear of palidromes.. I was shaking by the time I got there at noon, then the bastard gave me xanax and told me he had a racecar!!

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Kim Jung Un is now the version of himself that he has always feared

A Vegetable

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

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A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

I’ve been diagnosed with a fear of giants.

It’s called Feefiphobia

So i thought i could get over my fear of math jokes

But in the end i was 2^2 to tell it.

What do Rastas have that makes them fear bolted doors?

Dread-locks.

I have Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

It's a fear of long words.

Covid-19 is just like the flu, don't believe in all social media that are fear mongering.

Spread the word and be positive

My irrational fear of moving stairs seems to be getting worse.

You might say it’s… escalating.

Because Corona, the red light district in Amsterdam is now closed. My biggest fear has now come true.

When this whole story started, I was afraid there would be no happy ending.

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

I have an unusual fear of Semi-trucks

I guess you could call me antisemitic.

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of few chemicals.

Me: So, I'm afraid of hydroxyl groups.

Therapist: Oh.

Me: aaahhh...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

My biggest fear is dying alone.

That's why I drive a school bus.

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

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An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

Some words of encouragement for all those paranoid people who fear someone’s watching you:

*whispering*

You’re not alone.

The swordfish doesn’t have any natural predators to fear of...

except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

I have a stalker.

A family member who’s moved into our house this year. He follows me into my bedroom and the bathroom. He always sneaks into my bed or under it when I’m half asleep. And worse, he gets so close to me when I’m trying to eat, watching me take every bite. Worse, he has a terrifying habit of licking my t...

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

A lamb hovered at the foot of my bed, then disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear.

Sometimes I get sheep paralysis.

“And that’s why I became a pilot, to get over my fear.”

“Heights?”


“No, dying alone.”

A fisherman’s joke

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell...

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3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

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Fear of the show friends

Me: I’m afraid of the show Friends

Therapist: Dont worry I’ll be there for you

Me: *screams*

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robber...

A frustrated man takes his pregnant girlfriend to a doctor

Doc I really don’t understand how this happened, she was on pills I used condom still she is pregnant

Doc: let me tell you a story. A man went to jungle carrying only an umbrella, all of a sudden a tiger appears in front of him so out of fear this man point his umbrella at tiger like a gun, ...

A joke my Dad told me (Long)

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields on a sunny day. He lifts up the bonnet of the car and checks the engine, but can't find the problem.

He hears: "Check your fan belt"

Looking around, he finds nobody around him and thinks the heat is getting to his he...

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

'You have a fear of marriage, do you know the symptoms?' ...

'I can't say I do'..

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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A blonde comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Shocked and furious, she pulls out a gun from her purse and points it at the couple on the bed. They recoil in fear.

But after a few seconds, the expression on the blondes face shifts from rage to one of sadness and despair.

She turns the gun away from the couple and points it at her o...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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How freshmen lifted a tank in the Russian army

Captain orders his group of freshmen to go underneath the tank and lift it by pushing the bottom of it with legs.

- But Captain, it's a tank?!

Freshmen asked surprised. But Captain was serious, it was an order after all.

So they get under the tank and start pushing it.

...

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

I have an irrational fear of warrior princesses from different places.

You could say I'm xenaphobic

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

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What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery.

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery to get there.

One day she had to stay late in the office to finish some work and by the time she was ready go home it was already dark outside.

She started to walk home, and as she reached the entrance to t...

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Me: I have a fear of abbreviated US state names

Therapist: OH, OK

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

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Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

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The Farmer's Daughter

On a cold rainy evening, a salesman's car ran out of gas. Not wanting to spend the night in the car, the man sought help. Within 5 minutes the salesman spotted a barn yard light and proceeded to it. He knocked on the house door and an older farmer greeted him there.

The salesman explained he ...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

A friend of mine is afraid of cows

He lives his life in udder fear.

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