The 83+ Best Fear Jokes

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I have a fear of elevators...

...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

I want to know what the fear of question marks is called...

But I'm afraid to ask.

I am developing a fear of German sausage...

I fear the wurst

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Putin’s Greatest Fear is the Magic Outhouse

When you are heading toward it, you’re Russian, but when you are inside European, and when you’re done, you’re Finnish!

Anatidaephobia is the irrational fear that somewhere, a duck or goose is watching you.

Iron Maiden tried to warn us about the fear of the duck

I have a fear of needles.

Being a haystack would suck.

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That’ll flatten things pretty quickly.

I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Fe Fi Fo-bia

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me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts

therapist: that's the spirit!
me: oh fuck where

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Me to my therapist: “Help, I have a crippling fear of the Grease soundtrack!”

Therapist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaa-

Therapist: Keep talking, whoa keep talking!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

After a night of heavy drinking, when I woke up naked in my sister’s bed on New Year’s day, I feared the worst.

When my brother-in-law kissed me on the cheek, those fears were realized.

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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I told my therapist I have a fear of people asking me about ejaculation

She asked “how come?”

In the dark of night, I fear vampires, but, when the first light of day breaks, I wonder why I had ever been afraid

It's hard to take vampires seriously after Twilight.

What‘s the medical term for fear of palindromes?

Aibohphobia.

What do Saudi Arabian criminals fear?

The Long Arm Abdullah

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems.

"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to ...

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

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My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I’ve got to want to help myself.

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Take some steps to avoid them.

(Sorry for the dumb joke and if it's a repost, quarantine is hard.)

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What does "a fear of heights" and "cleaning up after anal sex" have in common?

Don't look down.

Fear

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large BOOM. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowd...

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her : Fear of CIA.

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon echo laughed.

I shot the echo.

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

I have this wierd irrational fear of two letter words.

I get extremely scared just thinking about it.

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

Why is 10 always living in fear?

Because it is smack bang in the middle of 9/11

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Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU

A man starts to fear he's not unique

He confides to his friend and says "Everywhere I look, I see people who look and dress like me. All my favorite TV shows are the most popular ones, and the music I listen to is listened to by millions. I have a very normal job and no particularly interesting hobbies. Even my name is one of the most ...

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

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Once a king asked his prime minister to seek for men that don't fear their wife.

The minister immediately announced in the kingdom that any man who don't fear his wife come to the booth in the town square and take a black or a white horse and those who fear their wife can take a cake for their missus.

Hoards of men came but no one mustered courage enough to take the hors...

I have a debilitating fear of agoraphobics

Luckily I don’t see them out that much.

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat

What’s a crips biggest fear?

A blood test.

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

I'll never understand people who fear change

It's like they have no cents at all

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

I have a fear of madness.

My doctor says I am just crazy.

A lingerie model needs to have her appendix removed, but she fears that the scar from the operation will end her career.

Her physician however tells her about a surgeon who is a master at making very clean cuts with basically no traces left afterwards, so she agrees to do the procedure. She is put under anesthesia and when she wakes up she asks whether everything went well. She is reassured that it went splendidly. ...

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Last week I told a therapist that I was trying to overcome my fear of ghosts.

His answer left me scared since then.

"That's the spirit."

It’s really hot outside but fear not, my car has the deluxe 2fifty AC feature.

2 windows down, driving 50 miles per hour!

I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that

So i thought i could get over my fear of math jokes

But in the end i was 2^2 to tell it.

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What is a Sex worker's biggest fear?

November

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I hit a wall trying to cope with my irrational fear of sex

But I eventually got over the hump

I have an irrational fear of modern architechture

My doctor says I have a complex complex complex.

I have a great fear of stairs

I just always feel they are up to something

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair

so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ....

We’ve been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop.

But we just can’t seem to nail down a date.

What do film makers use and IT people fear?

A blue screen

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[NSFW] What do Japanese restaurants fear the most?

A fat man.

What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise

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