A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."

The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.

"I do," says the man.

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

I have a fear of fences

I just can't get over it

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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Went to the therapist to conquer my fear of palindromes.

The jerk put me on Xanax.

What Do You Call A Fear Of Getting Stuck In A Chimney?

*Claustrophobia*.

A wise old man said to me once, "The things you fear are the things you will one day encounter in life."

Never have I been so afraid of a million dollars.

A teacher asks her students about the thing they fear the most

One girl said spiders
Another student said heights
And then a boy said "Evil A-men"

The teacher confused asks who are they and the student said "I dunno but when I finish praying I ask god to "deliver us from Evil A-men"

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I finally got over my fear of masturbation.

It felt great.

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I am slowly getting over it.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

People said that I have irrational fear of lies.

Bu I'm afraid that is not true

It appears more and more that my worst fear about this election is about to come true.

Someone will win.

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear..

is sphere itself

A man gets sick and, fearing he might have Covid, goes to get tested

When the results of his test come back he gets called in and the person asks him, “first, are you a Democrat or Republican?”

The man says, “what? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, if you’re a Democrat you’ve got Covid. But if you’re a Republican it’s just a hoax.”

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

Whats something that young boys love, but grow to fear as they get older?

Having a stroke.

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Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

Guys biggest fear.... Too soon.

Girls biggest fear.... Late.

What was God's most embarrassing fear in his teenage year?

Premature immaculation

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

For fear of a fate worse than death, don't look back.

Because hindsight is always 2020

Why were German tanks so feared in battle?

They didn’t always look reicht.

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Take some steps to avoid them.

(Sorry for the dumb joke and if it's a repost, quarantine is hard.)

A flat-earther's greatest fear is...

Sphere itself.

what was sleeping beauty's biggest fear ?

Bill Cosby

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I have this pathological fear of two letter words.

I get incredibly scared just thinking about it.

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

I have a fear of over complicated industrial facilities

It's a complex complex complex

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

blondes vs brunette

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and ha...

Machiavelli once said, "It is better to be feared than loved"

And that, your honor, is why I killed our dog in front of my children.

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

Fear of Covid-19 is a wonderous thing for workers.

A wee cough gives a week off.

Who is the most feared ruler of the animal kingdom ?

Vlad the Impala.

What day does the egg fear the most?

Friday

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My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
That bastard gave me Xanax...

I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

This Coronavirus fear is getting out of hand...

I accidentally sneezed on my monitor, and my antivirus software started running.

I have a fear of over designed buildings

It's a complex complex complex

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A man is told by a friend that he needs to seek some help for his irrational fear

So he goes to see a new therapist. The therapist asks the man what his fear is. The man responds:

"I am afraid of the Backstreet Boys"


The Therapist then responds:


"Tell me why"

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

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A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

What is the fear of palindromes called?

Aibohphobia.







It's funny because it's true.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

So i thought i could get over my fear of math jokes

But in the end i was 2^2 to tell it.

David Tennant only has one fear.

David Tennanteater

A guy from NZ told me not to fear the reaper.

So next time that old man near the school offers me candy, i'm going to take him up on his offer.

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Autopsy professor

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and...

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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of letters.

Me: So, I'm afraid of random letters...

Therapist: You are?

Me: *Screams*

Therapist: Oh, I see...

Me: *Screaming intensifies*

My irrational fear of moving stairs seems to be getting worse.

You might say it’s… escalating.

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

Kim Jung Un is now the version of himself that he has always feared

A Vegetable

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A punk youngling and an old man on a bus (REALLY NSFW)

The old man sat next to the punk, then looked at him curiously, specially his mohawk hair.

After some seconds, the punk got irritated and confronted him with a glare "What? What's with people nowdays thinking i am crazy just because of my haircut and livestyle?" he growled "Haven't you made a...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea...

We’ll call them William and Patrick. William says to Patrick, “I fear this may be the end for us, my friend.” Patrick agrees, “aye, I think you may be right.” Suddenly, a genie appears and says he will grant the men a single wish. Patrick excitedly jumps up and says “could you turn the sea to Guinne...

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

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A foreign man moves to America.

A foreign man moves to America. When he arrives he is shocked at how different the culture and the laws are from his own country. For fear of breaking them, he decides to take a class on US law.

The class begins and the teacher tells them to raise their hand if anyone has a question. Immedia...

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

.
.
.
.
Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

I threw a boomerang a few years back...

Now I live in constant fear

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavored gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

Because Corona, the red light district in Amsterdam is now closed. My biggest fear has now come true.

When this whole story started, I was afraid there would be no happy ending.

What do you call an unreasonable fear of spiders?

An Irachtional fear.

My biggest fear is dying alone.

That's why I drive a school bus.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

So I saw a picture of a little girl holding a lion cub (female)

I decided to show my 9yo son the picture and told him that when that creature grew up she would become one of the most feared and deadly creatures on the planet.

He looked at me with a shocked look in his eyes "really dad she will be that dangerous," he said.

"Yep," I said, "and right ...

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail

I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Optimists vs pessimists

Optimists hope that we live in the best world.
Pessimists fear that this is actually the case...

The fear of germs is getting so bad...

Now they're telling us to sing Bohemian Rhapsody twice when we wash our hands.

I have a fear of intimacy.

It’s kind of a touchy subject.

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

Some words of encouragement for all those paranoid people who fear someone’s watching you:

*whispering*

You’re not alone.

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

“And that’s why I became a pilot, to get over my fear.”

“Heights?”


“No, dying alone.”

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An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

I have an unusual fear of Semi-trucks

I guess you could call me antisemitic.

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