UPJOKE
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Fear Jokes

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.
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I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.
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What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone
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I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
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Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...
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I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it
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I have a fear of elevators...

...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.
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The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.
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This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.
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I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
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What did Sigmund Freud believe came between fear and sex?

Funf.

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...
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I am developing a fear of German sausage...

I fear the wurst
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Fear

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large BOOM. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowd...
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Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...
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I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.
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A nurse rushes into the doctor's office, fear on her face

\- Doctor, we've got trouble! The man you've just released with a clean bill of health dropped dead right at the office's door!

The doctor jumps up from his chair:

\- Quickly, help me turn the body. I need people to think he was entering.
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I have a fear of needles.

Being a haystack would suck.
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So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.
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The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That’ll flatten things pretty quickly.
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How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Take some steps to avoid them.

(Sorry for the dumb joke and if it's a repost, quarantine is hard.)
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What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.
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Why do people residing on foreign coasts fear Marines?

Because they can commit a *littoral* invasion.
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Putin’s Greatest Fear is the Magic Outhouse

When you are heading toward it, you’re Russian, but when you are inside European, and when you’re done, you’re Finnish!
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Anatidaephobia is the irrational fear that somewhere, a duck or goose is watching you.

Iron Maiden tried to warn us about the fear of the duck
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me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts

therapist: that's the spirit!
me: oh fuck where

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”
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I want to know what the fear of question marks is called...

But I'm afraid to ask.
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I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness
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I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.
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What do Saudi Arabian criminals fear?

The Long Arm Abdullah
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I have this wierd irrational fear of two letter words.

I get extremely scared just thinking about it.
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Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Fe Fi Fo-bia
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What‘s the medical term for fear of palindromes?

Aibohphobia.
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I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.
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So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
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Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.
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If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?
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My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I’ve got to want to help myself.

I'll never understand people who fear change

It's like they have no cents at all
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Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario
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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

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Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

I have a debilitating fear of agoraphobics

Luckily I don’t see them out that much.
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What’s a crips biggest fear?

A blood test.
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Me to my therapist: “Help, I have a crippling fear of the Grease soundtrack!”

Therapist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaa-

Therapist: Keep talking, whoa keep talking!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

A man starts to fear he's not unique

He confides to his friend and says "Everywhere I look, I see people who look and dress like me. All my favorite TV shows are the most popular ones, and the music I listen to is listened to by millions. I have a very normal job and no particularly interesting hobbies. Even my name is one of the most ...
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Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU
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We fear no wives

Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings, he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back, quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran f...
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Why is 10 always living in fear?

Because it is smack bang in the middle of 9/11
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Some people have a fear of heights.

Not me, I have a fear of widths.
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What does "a fear of heights" and "cleaning up after anal sex" have in common?

Don't look down.

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I told my therapist I have a fear of people asking me about ejaculation

She asked “how come?”

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.
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What is a Sex worker's biggest fear?

November

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems.

"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to ...
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What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.
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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.
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What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.
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My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her : Fear of CIA.

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon echo laughed.

I shot the echo.
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What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat
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Guys biggest fear.... Too soon.

Girls biggest fear.... Late.
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This Coronavirus fear is getting out of hand...

I accidentally sneezed on my monitor, and my antivirus software started running.
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I have a great fear of stairs

I just always feel they are up to something
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Fear the wrath!

Things that people who come to Australia are afraid of: Spiders, Scorpions, Snakes, Sharks, Crocs, Jellyfish, Octopus, Stone Fish, Feral Pigs, Giant bulls, Emus, and Kangaroos.
Things that Australians are afraid of: Magpies.
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What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise
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I finally got over my fear of masturbation.

It felt great.

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

What’s Seth Rogen’s most feared disease?

Arthritis. He really worries about his joints
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I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I’m least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleep...
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After a night of heavy drinking, when I woke up naked in my sister’s bed on New Year’s day, I feared the worst.

When my brother-in-law kissed me on the cheek, those fears were realized.
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My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that
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I have eurotophobia (fear of women genitalia) and my therapist tells me I should confront my fear more

But every time I try I always end up beating around the bush

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