A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?

Cop: Sure whatever

[Later in traffic court]

Judge: How the hell were you going 420 in a 55?

A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job.

“I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.

“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie Mouse we’re getting a divorce. The judge asked Mickey, “Let me get this straight, you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s crazy?” “No, your honor,” he says.

“I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy.”

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...

I was his little squirt

During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, in spite of our numerous arguments.

It was a case of he shed, she shed.

Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!"

Judge: "Repeat infractions?"

Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"

One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman

The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"

The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."

The prosecuto...

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.

&#x200B;

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.

&#x200B;

“Sto...

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Judge

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on a bench. He picks it up and runs through the first door he sees, which leads to the judge\`s chambers.

The judge says, "Hey kid, go across the street ...

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

She was brought before the judge who asked, “How many peach slices were in the can?”

“Six,” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll give you six days.”

Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, “Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.”

What do you call a Judge with no fingers?

Justice thumbs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the judge says: anything you say will be held against you

and the man says “tits”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Judge: "Do you promise to speak the truth and only the truth?"

Defendant: "No."

Judge: "..."

Attorney: "(what the fuck do we do)"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don’t judge prostitutes

Their career choice is their own fucking business.

History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.

&#x200B;

“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”

&#x200B;

“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

&#x200B;

The prosecutor repl...

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two neighbors stand before a judge, one suing the other.

The judge asks "For what reason are you suing your neighbor here?"

The man replies "Because this man ripped off one of my testicles!"

The judge, confused, asks "Why would anyone do such a thing?"

The man shrugs and states "I don't know, but I found it and put it in this plastic ...

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

...

Soviet Union. Judge comes out of the courtroom, laughing.

- Why are you laughing?

- I've just heard a very funny joke.

- Tell me it.

- I can't, I just gave a 10-year sentence for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A judge is hearing Mickey Mouse's divorce petition.

After listening to his argument, the judge shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse. Your wife Minnie having an eccentric personality is not valid grounds for divorce, I'm afraid."

"Your honor," Mickey replies. "I didn't say she was eccentric, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man on trial asks the judge, “What would happen if I said, ‘Judge, you’re a son of a bitch?’”

The judge said, “I’d hold you in contempt of court.”

The man then asked, “What would happen if I just thought you were a son of a bitch?”

The judge said, “I suppose there isn’t anything I can do about a person’s thoughts.”

The man replied, “In that case judge, I think you’re a f...

What did the judge say to the hot lawyer?

You’re attorney-ing me on.

'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.

'Is anything the matter?'

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

What is the name of the uniform that judges wear?

Lawsuit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."


From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"


"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
...

A judge asks the defendant, what is your name?

Mr. Fallcharges your honor. First name Freo.

So you're Freo Fallcharges.

Okay thanks, I am going to get going.

What did the judges say to the winner of the farting contest?

Conflatulations!

A man stands before a judge for his trial

Judge: Alright, what are the charges.

Defendant: Your honor, I am an innocent man. My only crime is doing my Christmas shopping early.

Judge: That's certainly not illegal. Out of curiosity, how early were you shopping.

Defendant: 3 hours before the store opened.

What is a judge’s favorite drink?

Just ice.

What did Cardinal Pell say when the Australian Judge asked why his conviction should be suppressed?

He whispered "it will be our little secret".

Please do not judge all these Catholic Priests for what you've been hearing...

They are all suffering from Porkin' sons Disease.

Where do judges eat when they go to the mall?

The food court

Yes, judge I do have something to say

If you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man

Judge: "How can you live with your guilt?"

Killer: "Better than my victims."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Irish Judges and women have in common?

According to irish law they both deserve to be assaulted

One for wearing thongs, the other for wearing a sexy wig.

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

Before you judge someone walk a mile in their shoes.

That way once you judge them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.

&#x200B;

The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant ...

It's hard to believe Brett Kavanaugh is a judge.

It sounds like the guy's never been able to pass a bar in his life.

Did you hear about the guy who died in a courtroom after the judge threw a book at him?

He was sentenced to death

Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?

Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Russian judge walks out of a courtroom

As soon as the door has closed behind him, he doubles over laughing his ass off.

Another judge walks up to him and asks him what's so funny. The he says "I just heard the funniest joke I've ever heard in my entire life!"

The other judge says "Well, come on. What was it?"

"I can'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom.

He can barely contain his laughter. Curious, one of his colleagues asks him, "What's so funny?"

"I just heard this joke in my trial."

"Really? I want to hear it."

"No way, I just gave someone 20 years for it."

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

In the cheese competition, who is the judge?

The cheese grader

I’m not here to judge.

Said the judge who didn’t understand his job.

A man goes to a Judge to ask for a divorce from his wife...

He tells the Judge “I just can’t take it anymore - she is out until way past midnight nearly every single day of the week just going from bar to bar.”

The Judge asks “What’s she doing?”

The man replies... “Looking for me”

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge...

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

&#x200B;

Mon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was this judge who just sentenced a man

The man asked the judge,

“Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a motherfucker?”

The judge answered “If you were to call me a motherfucker, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail”

“Alright, said the man, but what if ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

“Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,” proclaimed the judge.

“But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

A new Judge in town...

Why can't a man with the name Dunn become a judge?

Because then everyone would want to see Justice Dunn

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is "there."

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They're parking their car over there.

I found out my wife's been blowing the judge to get out of her parking fines.

I shouldn't be talking about it really... The judge put a gag order on it.

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Did you hear about the judge who exposed himself during sentencing?

Apparently he wanted to meat out some justice.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that, who cares? He's a mile away, and you've got his shoes.

\-- Billy Connolly

What do judges take with their vodka?

Just ice. They like it served cold.

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60...

What would Matthew McConaughey say if he were a judge entering a court room?

All rise, all rise, all rise.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

Judge: Why did you kill your wife?

Me: I didn't want her to see me die.

Judge: But you didn't die.

Me: Yes, I suddenly felt much better when she was dead.

Judge: Well, we have 10 witnesses who saw you steal.

Prisoner: Maybe, your Honour, but I can give u 20 witnesses who did not see me steal.

What is a judge's favorite dinner?

All rice!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the court, the judge asked me how 8-10 years sounded.

I replied "pretty sexy"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The judge said I should be hung, drawn and quartered.

So they gave me a penis enlarger, a caricature and a nice room on a ship.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when you give a federal judge a blowjob?

A gag order

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Out of desperation, I robbed a bank dressed as a frog and being a novice, the cops caught me right away. I thought I was going away to the big house for a very long time, but surprisingly, the judge was lenient and let me go...

...because it was the first time I had ever Kermitted a crime.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

I dont judge people on race, but how they identify themselves and type of person they are....

I dont care, you can call me a typist all you want.

You can’t judge a book by its cover

Now you can’t even assume it’s a book

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair."

What happens next will shock you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...