Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

What did the Judge say when the Lawyer farted?

Odor Odor

If you want to be judgemental, you have to be a judge

Otherwise you're just mental.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Never judge a book by its cover.

Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....

that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"

"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."

Edit : changed one word.

I wanted to be a high-court judge so was studying law, but I got kicked out for vigilantism

Turns out you can't have your cape and edict too

Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus!

If a judge loses her pregnancy...

Is that a miscarriage of justice?

A 90 year old couple appears in front of the judge to get a divorce.

The judge says, "My gosh you've been married for 70 years and you're 90 years old! Why would you want to get a divorce now? They reply, "We've been waiting for the kids to die."

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

A judge called me egotistical and conceited

I think I'm appealing

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A judge challenges the local doctor to tell him whether there people are mad or not.

The three people enter the doctor's chamber and take their seats.

The flustered doctor decides to ask them the same question.

Doctor:- 1 bag has 3 balls. How many balls are there in 3 bags?

Man 1:- Is the ball black? Is the bag red? Is the bag tied with a string? When we imagine...

Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer?

Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...

[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?

Accused: No I didn’t, your honour.

Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him.

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes

Because then you are a mile away and have their shoes!

Why was Judge Dredd arrested?

He broke his arm.

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.

Accused: Hahahah

Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

My day in court

I was defending myself in court and the judge said
"have you ever been up before me?"

I replied "I don't know what time you get up"

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court?

No, not in this Dayan age.

What does a judge wear to work?

A lawsuit

3 clowns are in a judge's courtroom.

The judge, a little thrown off by the individuals turns to the attractive girl clown and asks,
"Miss, what brings you to my courtroom today?"
The girl clown responds,
"I'm here because I was blowing bubbles!"
The judge, even more confused, turns to the second clown. This one being a very...

I was in court today and there was a lady with her husband

The lady was getting trialed for theft, so the judge asked her what she had stolen.

The lady responds "I stole a can of peaches your honour", and after a few moments after thinking about this, the judge asked her how many peaches had been in that can.

Hesitantly, the lady tells him t...

I found my wife in bed with a judge. The judge said, " It's not what it looks like!"

To which I replied, "your honor!"

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Mickey Mouse in divorce court

Judge: "So let me get this straight, Mr. Mouse. You said you want to divorce Ms. Minnie Mouse because she is really crazy?"

Mickey: "No, I said she was fucking goofy!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

Why did the judge deny the ghost bail?

Too much of a fright risk.

Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week."

"Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Judge: So, Mr. Gonzalez, you are here on one charge of armed robbery. How do you plead?

Gonzalez: My abuela told me to do it.

Judge: Case closed, have a good day, Mr. Gonzalez.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A man is up in court

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says...

Judge: I order you to pay $10,000

Mario: why?

Judge: it's a fine

Mario: [sadly] no itsa not

The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?"

Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*

Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*

Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't judge anybody for masturbating.

You do you.

The doctor said I had one year to live

So I killed him and the judge gave me 35 years.

The first female president is being sworn in.

Her Jewish mother is sitting in the second row next to a Supreme Court Justice, watching. The judge leans over and says, "Madam, you must be VERY proud."

The mother says, "Well, you see that girl with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

A little boy’s parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....

“Well, little boy, I’ve decided you’re going to live with your mother.”

“NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!!” Screamed the kid.

“Oh. That’s terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.”

“NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!”

The judge was totally perplexed. He has n...

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

Judge: “It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.”

Man: “Yes my Lord.”

Judge: “How many clothes did you steal?”

Man: “One dress.”

Judge: “You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?”

Man: “My wife didn't like the first five.”

Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge.

I'm just sentencing 24/7.

(long) A man was standing before the judge, being questioned over how did he managed

to run over 10 people while driving his truck, so the man answered:

I was driving my truck, hauling a heavy load of rocks, going down this steep street, on one level i came to realize that my brakes have overheated, and unresponsive, down in my way there was 2 groups of pedestrian, on the rig...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

An old one

A little girl walks up to her dad and says “dad, are our neighbours poor?”
Dad :“I don’t know little one, but you should not judge some one on their looks. But why do you ask?”
Girl: “ they are all crying as their baby swallowed a single penny!!”

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.

It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man...

But the truth is, we are The Expendables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically.

There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...

Judge Jew D.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman in court...

the judge says "I'm in a good mood today and i'm a dog lover as you well know, now if you can sing me a song about a dog i'll let you off, but if you can't then you're going away for a very long time" Englishman went first "How much is that doggy in the window, the one with the waggly tail..." "Case...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Forth annual Hicksville spelling b

Down to the last 3 contestants....
The last word is before;

Judge; contestant #1 the word is before

C1: Before b e f o u r befour

Judge: I'm sorry but that is incorrect!
Contestant #2, the word is before

C2: before b e f o r. Before.

Judge: I'm sorry but th...

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Judge, "on what grounds do you want a divorce?"

Husband "my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!"

Judge "You mean to say she's severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?"

Husband "No, She's out looking for Me!!"

How much money do you need to throw at an allergic judge to drop your case?

Just a few peanuts.

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday.

I'm expecting a long sentence.

What’s a judge preferred breakfast?

Oathmeal

Olympic bilateral amputee Oscar Pistorius lost his appeal for the crime of murder. The Judge said...

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate. Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. But johnny...

What's a judge's favourite drink ?

Guil-tea.

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

Don't judge a man by the way he walks

That's gaitkeeping.

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A prostitute walks into a judge's chamber.

Looking clearly a case of physical assault the judge gave her a seat and asks , "Dear. You look battered. What happened? "

She replied, " I was with one of my clients. We had a really good time and then he thrashed me like this."

The judge asked her to explain what happened with all th...

What's the favorite drink of judges?

Guil tea.

A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself

She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.
Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

A Soviet judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off

A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing."I just heard the funniest joke in the world!".

"Well", his colleague says, " Dont keep a good joke to yourself, go ahead and tell me!"

The other judge replies,"I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!"

Man with stammer jailed

Judge rules he is unlikely to complete his sentence.

Teenager is on trial for murder of both of his parents

Before ready to pass the sentence, Judge asks him: "Do you want to say anything to the court?"

And the young man says "Have mercy your highness! I am just a poor orphan!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

What's a judge's favorite game?

Counter-strike

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It’s down to the final two at a championship spelling bee.

The contestant gets up to the microphone and the judge tells him the word is “walk.”

Confused, the contestant asks for a definition.

“To move about or travel on foot for exercise or pleasure.”

The contestant asks for a sentence to confirm what could be his final word was reall...

I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.

But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.

A farmer was in court being questioned by a lawyer.

The lawyer asks the farmer ‘did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer replies ‘well I was crossing the road when the semi...’

The lawyer cuts him off and says ‘it’s a yes or no question. Did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer again starts to say ‘well I wa...

A Chinese judge comes out of session.

Meets another judge who asks "What's so funny?"

"Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever."

"Care to share?"

"Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it".

Judge: "How do you explain your actions?"

"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store.

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to explain to the Judge several times

"You see, Judge, I was having a bad day and I saw this old chicken can that someone had filled up with shit. I was so mad I just kicked it. It flew across the street and hit the policeman right in the face. I swear I didn't mean to do it."

The judge said "Explain this to me again: Just why di...

What did the law student do to his mother when he couldn’t become a judge?

He embarister.

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

Mario goes to court

The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”

Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”

The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

What do Got Talent judges and doctors have in common?

They send away the people if they're not suffering and in pain.

The definition of chutzpah:

Is the man who killed his parents who asks for mercy from the court.
The judge asks “On what grounds should we grant you mercy?”
Man “On the account of I’m an orphan!”

This is a very old one.
#yiddish is fun

A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question.

“Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”

It’s my first time in court and the The judge said “ORDER”!

And I quickly replied “fried rice, spring rolls and orange juice- now two policemen are escorting me outside and I think we are going to a restaurant :)

Judge: "You have been found guilty of writing clickbait. You will be taken from here to a place of execution"

What happens next will shock you!

A man walked into a store and shoplifts items from the electronics ilse and the condements ilse.

A few weeks later the police catch the man and bring him to court. Befor the judge he please that he diddent steal any items. Stunned the judge looked at him and said sir your in court for claims of "asalt and battery."

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

A man has been found guilty for over using commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, t...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free man

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to...

A duck goes in front of the judge. The judge asks the duck "what are you here for?"

Judge-what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupid! Case dismissed.

*Another duck goes in front of the judge.*

Judge- what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupi...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

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