UPJOKE
buddhismjudaismfaithchristianityislamhinduismcultbeliefatheismtaoismorthodoxreligious beliefritualgoddeity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It's fine if you take pride in it, but when you take it out and wave it in our faces, then it becomes a problem.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.

Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A summary of the world's religions

Catholicism: Shit happens.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens"
Rastafarianism: Let's roll up this shit and smoke...

What's the difference between religion and mythology?

A few hundred years.

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

What did the Prussian philosopher say when he was asked to teach religion ?

I Kant

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.

They're in sects.

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a End-user license agreement...

Everyone is so eager to sign up and enjoy the benefits that they skip reading the rules and have no clue what kind of crazy shit they've agreed to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

What religion do cats believe?

Cat-tholism

What religion has the best dancers?

No religion beats Sikh moves

What is the difference between science, philosophy and religion?

Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room.



Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat.



Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you ...

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...

...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”

But that was just a dream. Just a dream…

How do you know Mike Tyson is anti religion?

Because he always punches people in the faith.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

I'm going to start a religion with really big hats

that way God can't see what we're doing.

Little Johnny in Religion Class

The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in h...

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

A friend of mine opposes religion so much that they say they’re “allergic to Jesus.”

So I told them to take an anti-theist-amine.

A man and an alien are talking

At some point the conversation turns to religion.

The man asks: “have you heard of Jesus?”

The alien responds: “oh yeah, he comes by twice a year.”

The man, shocked says
“twice a year? We have been waiting over 2,000 years for him to return!”

“Well maybe he didn’t li...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

What do you call Kanye after he gave up religion?

Ye of little faith!

What is L. Ron Hubbard's favorite band?

Bad Religion.

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be careful who you talk to about religion in West Virginia

You could be talking about sects with a miner!

COVID is starting to feel a lot like religion -

Less and less people are worries about it but it's still huge in India.

~Mark Normand

What religion Jesus was?

God knows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

To those bearded men in turbans who tried to convert me to your religion

You make me Sikh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know the catholic religion doesn’t have a problem with people being gay.

It was ok to be gay. As long as you smoked weed and got high. It actually says it right here in the bible. “Man who lay with man shall be stoned.”

Although I'm not Hindu, I still can respect the religion.

We should all coexist; to each their Aum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

What’s a revolutionary’s religion of choice?

Protestant

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Religion is like a dick...

there's no problem until you start wagging it in people's faces

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

A bunch a cheeses got together to start a religion a long time ago.

They worship cheesus christ our grate lord and savior. The religion could be cheddar, but it's aged well. A few holes in their thinking, and I personally wouldn't swiss over anytime soon. Gouda them though for uniting themselves, but holy cow does their religion stink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What religion is a associated with butt sex?

The Peg-ans!

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion.

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion. The brain surgeon was a Christian but the cosmonaut was an atheist. The cosmonaut said, "I've been out in space many times but I've never seen God or angels." The brain surgeon said, "And I've operated on many clever brains bu...

Respect all religion and culture

They gave you holiday

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part that he sticks in Olive Oyl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically.

There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...

Judge Jew D.

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

What is the most fiscally responsible religion?

Christianity... because Jesus saves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one, the New Testament is the sequel. The Qur'an is a reboot of the second - there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.

* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.
* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.
* Muslims...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

As weird as it may sound, I think I’m addicted to religion

I’m a real Cathoholic

If the 2nd Amendment were a religion, what kind of chairs would their churches have?

Pew pews.

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

A rabbi, a hindu and a lawyer go to work on a farm...

When it comes time to sleep, the farmer says he has only two beds available, so one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The hindu is humble and goes out to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later there's a knock on the farmer's door, it's the hindu. He says there's a cow in the barn and it...

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

How do you prove that Buddhism is the best religion?

Using the Dalai Lemma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

scientology the far fetched religion

Scientology.

For those who think religion isn’t far fetched enough, I mean come on Alien lizards living under the sea and then moving under a volcano and transmitting to world leaders.

add two Italian brothers and you’ve got the first five levels of Super-mario



(old j...

I recently travelled to New Zealand. Everyone there really likes pointing out your religion...

...they kept calling me 'Hebrew'.

How do you start a religion?

Step 1: Get knocked up.

Step 2: Call it an "immaculate conception".

Step 3: Prophet.

Little Johnny was at school in religion class when the teacher asked this question

" When you die, what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Young Jason raised his hand and said "the heart, because God is there inside our hearts."

Young Charlie said "the brain, because God is in our minds."

Finally little Johnny raised his hand and said "the l...

My religion forbids using condoms....

I'm a Rhythm Methodist

Religions are like e^x.

No matter how you try to differentiate them or integrate them. They remain the same.

Why aren’t there any religions of blind people?

They can’t see who’s following them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a dick

It's okay to have one, just don't ~~shove~~ Force it down people's throats.

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

Dont press religion on people,

bible says not to do that.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

After years of going to catholic church I’ve finally decided to seek other points of view on religion...

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.