Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...


and I thought I nailed it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

[Religion] Why doesn't God like apple pie?

Because he's not real

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Religion is like a...

Religion is like a penis. It's nice to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, and it's OK to think that yours is bigger and better than everyone else's.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and more importantly, please don't try to shove it down my child's throa...

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

What do you call a Cuban man who doesn’t believe in religion?

Infidel Castro

Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"

The first answers, "Yahweh!"

Hey, What religion is your dog?

He's Chewish.

What religion is a bear?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

A group of women made a religion about Robin Hood

They were called Menintights

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

What are the Differences between a bad religion and a Cult?

There are Nun

Islam is the true religion

After all, the universe started with an explosion.

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

Religion at its finest

One day Johnny and Sarah are sitting in religion class.
Johnny was really tired so he kept falling asleep.

The teacher asked the class “who is the son of god?”
She called on Johnny and Sarah pokes him really hard with the sharp end of her pencil and it woke him up in a fright and he yel...

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

With religion, the dude that started it is dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

What is the hardest religion to join?

The diffi-cult.

TIL that candlemakers are almost all the same religion.

Wickan.

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

I don’t know, just have faith there is one.

Christianity is a simple religion, God only asks 2 things from you...

Go to his house once a week and eat his son

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - https://thejokecafe.com )

Why is r/Jokes like a religion?

‘Cause you end up reading the same text over and over again!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two out of eleven jokes about religion are discriminatory towards Jews...

...the other 9/11, towards Muslims.

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

What is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s religion?

I-SLAM!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Religion, Sexuality and Mystery in one sentence.

Oh my God, I am pregnant, I wonder who the father is ....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?”

because i had a blond streak through it and I said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside.

When I came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it
meant a religion that worshipped one god because mono means one as in
monobrow and he sent me ou...

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man ...

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus and Muhammad were having an intense debate about which of their religions is stronger.

“My faith moved mountains,” exclaimed Jesus.

“Yes,” agreed Muhammad, “but mine moved skyscrapers.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It's a very PC work environment.

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time...

I understand that some people don't like when I poke fun at God or religion

but, it's always been a blasphemy!

What do you call someone who doesnt drink coffee for caffeine or believe in religion?

A Teaist

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two strangers discussing religion

So, a woman sits beside a sharply dressed man in a flight to Tokyo.

Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.

"Well, first I’ve got a question for you", said the woman.

"Cow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

I got a job talking about religion

So far it's been very prophetable.

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

Some religions allow men to have more than one wife.

But they fail to mention that it comes with more than one mother-in-law.

[Frwd]I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I tol...

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure...

What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

[Religion] Why do Jewish men have circumcision?

Because the women will take anything that's 20% off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

What's the main religion of most ghosts?

Boo dism

What is a ghost's favorite religion?

Booddism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What religion do porn stars follow?

They're sac-religious.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Religion is like farts

You don't mind your own. However others piss you off!

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry...

In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is the best

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

THe next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

Father Sullivan and Rabbi Cohen were sitting on a park bench discussing the differences and similarities of their respective religions.

After some time, a young boy rode by on a bicycle. Father Sullivan leaned over and whispered to Rabbi Cohen, “wow look that kid, I’d really like to screw him.”

To which Rabbi Cohen replied, “what do you mean ‘screw him’? Screw him out of WHAT?”

I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change...

And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!". "But I just woke up, I'm still in bed", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.

What religion was the old drafter?

A rasterfarian.

There is a new terrorist religion that hates addition

The Tally Ban

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An eldery couple was discussing religion with their priest

*Eldery man*: [...] and you see, I get this impression that God lends me a hand every now and then.

*Priest*: Oh, well this is nice, but how can you tell?

*Eldery Man*: It's in the tiny things... Like, for instance, last night, I went to pee and when I opened the door, He turned the li...