What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

What’s the difference between a cult and a religion ?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

Christian, muslim and buddhist are goingto jump from a 100 story building to see which religion is the best.

The muslim jumps first and while falling he starts repeating: "praised be Allah", gets to the 30th floor while still repeating the same and then he proceeds to splat on the ground.

The buddhist goes second and jumps and starts repeating:"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he gets to the 60th floor and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.

I recently travelled to New Zealand. Everyone there really likes pointing out your religion...

...they kept calling me 'Hebrew'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It's fine if you take pride in it, but when you take it out and wave it in our faces, then it becomes a problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know the catholic religion doesn’t have a problem with people being gay.

It was ok to be gay. As long as you smoked weed and got high. It actually says it right here in the bible. “Man who lay with man shall be stoned.”

Religion in a nutshell.

A ship, sailing past a small island spots a man who'd been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices 3 huts.

"What's the first hut?" He asks.

"Oh, that's my home." The man answers.

"What's the second hut?" The captain asks.

"O...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

What religion do baby cows follower?

They are calfolic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

I’m gonna start a religion about that Jewish guy who went around trying to help poor people but was killed because he was betrayed by one of his former close allies

I’m calling it Trotskyism

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

Dont press religion on people,

bible says not to do that.

What do you call a dead-end religion?

A cul-de-sect.

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

What is the most fiscally responsible religion?

Christianity... because Jesus saves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a dick

It's okay to have one, just don't ~~shove~~ Force it down people's throats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one, the New Testament is the sequel. The Qur'an is a reboot of the second - there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.

* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.
* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.
* Muslims...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

How do you prove that Buddhism is the best religion?

Using the Dalai Lemma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A class was asked to write a concise essay containing 4 elements : religion, royalty,sex and mystery.

The only "A+"in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen," I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contest in a girl's college: Write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

Religion Comes At A Price...

But it's a small price to pray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

Why aren’t there any religions of blind people?

They can’t see who’s following them.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

What is the religion of people in hong kong?

Protestant.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years

Religion

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

What religion were the dinosaurs?

Non de-nom nom denominational.

Sorry folks this is an original by me and so corny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns, Groceries, and Traffic Cops: (Religion) (NSFW)

There was once a young Nun in training. As she was new to her convent, her job was to do the grocery shopping every week.
One week, she asks to be excused from this duty, as she ends up being stopped by the police every time and it's getting on her nerves.
"Are you speeding? Staying in the rig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is...

An excuse to piss on other people's beliefs you know nothing about while thinking your own weirdo beliefs are absolute truth without any sort of proof.

Good thing I'm an atheist so I'm above all that.

Definitely a repost, but the following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students ...

Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

What religion did the witch DJ follow?

Wicca Wicca

You know what they say about mathematics and religion..

Sin-ning can cos(t)

Intro to comparative religion

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?” ...

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

Religion is funny

A church is a one story building

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

[Religion] [Racist]What is the difference between christianity and national socialism?

In christianity, one guy died for all the others.

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...


and I thought I nailed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you do...

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are talking about their religions with one another. The priest leans over to the Rabbi and asks him if he’s ever eaten pork before....

The Rabbi says, “I’ve had it once.”

The priest says, “oh it’s fantastic, BBQ pulled pork is my favorite. You are really missing out.

The rabbi smirks and leans in and says to the priest, “well have you ever had sex before?”

Priest says,”yes I did once.”

Rabbi smiles an...

At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

A priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi were at the bar debating over which of their religions was best

The priest suggested a competition. He said that the best way to figure out whose religion was best was to see who could convert an atheist to his own religion.

“No that’s too easy,” said the Rabbi.

Suddenly, a bear walked by and the Baptist preacher said, “the true religious man wou...

[Religion] Why doesn't God like apple pie?

Because he's not real

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion at its finest

One day Johnny and Sarah are sitting in religion class.
Johnny was really tired so he kept falling asleep.

The teacher asked the class “who is the son of god?”
She called on Johnny and Sarah pokes him really hard with the sharp end of her pencil and it woke him up in a fright and he yel...

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think Science and Religion didn't mix, but my Astronomy professor is always talking about how sexy angels are

We even had an entire chapter devoted to Celestial Bodies, and let me tell you, some of them are incredibly hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

Hey, What religion is your dog?

He's Chewish.

Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"

The first answers, "Yahweh!"

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

A Hindu man, a Rabbi, and Lawyer are walking together on a journey. They realize they will be needing a place to stay so they stop at a lonely farmhouse. The lawyer knocks on the door.

A farmer opens the door and, seeing the three men in front of him, asks "How may I help you?"


The lawyer as the nominated spokesperson says, "We three humble travelers are seeking a place to sleep. We need no food, just a bed."


The farmer replies, "I only have two beds. One...

Did you hear about the Italian who joined a religion in Africa?

He's a past'safarian now.

The Religion Exam

A class of 30 students 10 year old students were set a Religion exam. One boy had not revised and decided the best course of action was to ask the girl next to him.

The boy poke the girl with his pencil to get her attention and whispers “What was the name of Christian Lord?”

The girl ...

Scientists discovered that Islam is the true religion after all

The universe began with a big explosion

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man ...

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

Islam is indeed a religion of peace.

A "peace" of you here, a "peace" of you there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which religion celebrates Ass Wednesday?

Bootyism.

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

What religion is a coffee machine?

He-brew.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

religion has the big gay

AHHHH ..... MEN

Christianity is a simple religion, God only asks 2 things from you...

Go to his house once a week and eat his son

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

What are the Differences between a bad religion and a Cult?

There are Nun

What do you call a Cuban man who doesn’t believe in religion?

Infidel Castro

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . ”

“Stop — I *don’t* permit talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, “People say about the Pope … ”

“No religion talk, either,” the bartender cut in.

One more try to break the boredom… “I thought the Yankees would…”
...

A group of women made a religion about Robin Hood

They were called Menintights

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi and a Priest are talking.

They are arguing about whose religion is better.

Then, the priest goes to the rabbi, ‘Admit it, you’ve tried pork.’ The rabbi tells him that he hasn’t. The priest carries on asking him until eventually the rabbi admits it. He says, ‘Yeah I’ll admit it, I’ve tried it once. But now you admit so...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Why is r/Jokes like a religion?

‘Cause you end up reading the same text over and over again!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?”

because i had a blond streak through it and I said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside.

When I came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it
meant a religion that worshipped one god because mono means one as in
monobrow and he sent me ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two out of eleven jokes about religion are discriminatory towards Jews...

...the other 9/11, towards Muslims.

What is the hardest religion to join?

The diffi-cult.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.