The 106+ Best Religion Jokes

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.

They're in sects.

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.

I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

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A summary of the world's religions

Catholicism: Shit happens.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens"
Rastafarianism: Let's roll up this shit and smoke...

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

How do you know Mike Tyson is anti religion?

Because he always punches people in the faith.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

Religion in a nutshell.

A ship, sailing past a small island spots a man who'd been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices 3 huts.

"What's the first hut?" He asks.

"Oh, that's my home." The man answers.

"What's the second hut?" The captain asks.

"O...

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

What's the difference between religion and mythology?

A few hundred years.

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

They say science and religion do not go together.

But if it wasn't for DNA evidence, the priest wouldn't be arrested.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

Squirrels and Religion

Squirrels and Religion

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At...

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How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest...

Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men.

Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there's always at least one person at the top who's completely crazy, or who knows it's all a scam...

In a religion, that guy's dead!

Which religion has the most costumed vigilantes?

Zorro-astrianism

What do you call somebody who sits on the fence about religion, but argues against both sides anyway?

Antagnostic.

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

You know what religion they practice in the North Pole?

Santaria.

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Religion is like a End-user license agreement...

Everyone is so eager to sign up and enjoy the benefits that they skip reading the rules and have no clue what kind of crazy shit they've agreed to.

What religion has the best dancers?

No religion beats Sikh moves

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...

...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

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A story about monarchy, sex, religion and mystery

- Someone ass fucked the queen!

- Oh my god!

- Who could it have been?

What do they call a cemetery where it’s a mix of different religions and creeds

A melting plot

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

My wife converted me to religion;

I never believed in hell until I married her.

What did the Prussian philosopher say when he was asked to teach religion ?

I Kant

What religion do cats believe?

Cat-tholism

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”

But that was just a dream. Just a dream…

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

What's the main religion of most ghosts?

Boo dism

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

What do you call Kanye after he gave up religion?

Ye of little faith!

Little Johnny in Religion Class

The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in h...

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

To those bearded men in turbans who tried to convert me to your religion

You make me Sikh!

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Did you know the catholic religion doesn’t have a problem with people being gay.

It was ok to be gay. As long as you smoked weed and got high. It actually says it right here in the bible. “Man who lay with man shall be stoned.”

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What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, ...

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

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Be careful who you talk to about religion in West Virginia

You could be talking about sects with a miner!

So, I hear Islam is the religion of peace.

Piece of you here, piece of you there.

A friend of mine opposes religion so much that they say they’re “allergic to Jesus.”

So I told them to take an anti-theist-amine.

COVID is starting to feel a lot like religion -

Less and less people are worries about it but it's still huge in India.

~Mark Normand

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

Respect all religion and culture

They gave you holiday

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Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

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Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one, the New Testament is the sequel. The Qur'an is a reboot of the second - there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.

* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.
* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.
* Muslims...

What is the difference between science, philosophy and religion?

Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room.

Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat.

Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you ...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

I'm going to start a religion with really big hats

that way God can't see what we're doing.

Although I'm not Hindu, I still can respect the religion.

We should all coexist; to each their Aum.

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

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What religion is a associated with butt sex?

The Peg-ans!

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion.

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion. The brain surgeon was a Christian but the cosmonaut was an atheist. The cosmonaut said, "I've been out in space many times but I've never seen God or angels." The brain surgeon said, "And I've operated on many clever brains bu...

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

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There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically.

There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...

Judge Jew D.

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An eldery couple was discussing religion with their priest

*Eldery man*: [...] and you see, I get this impression that God lends me a hand every now and then.

*Priest*: Oh, well this is nice, but how can you tell?

*Eldery Man*: It's in the tiny things... Like, for instance, last night, I went to pee and when I opened the door, He turned the li...

What is the most fiscally responsible religion?

Christianity... because Jesus saves

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...

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NSFW Religion is like a dick...

there's no problem until you start wagging it in people's faces

If the 2nd Amendment were a religion, what kind of chairs would their churches have?

Pew pews.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

My religion forbids using condoms....

I'm a Rhythm Methodist

Religions are like e^x.

No matter how you try to differentiate them or integrate them. They remain the same.

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

scientology the far fetched religion

Scientology.

For those who think religion isn’t far fetched enough, I mean come on Alien lizards living under the sea and then moving under a volcano and transmitting to world leaders.

add two Italian brothers and you’ve got the first five levels of Super-mario

(old j...

I recently travelled to New Zealand. Everyone there really likes pointing out your religion...

...they kept calling me 'Hebrew'.

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

Little Johnny was at school in religion class when the teacher asked this question

" When you die, what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Young Jason raised his hand and said "the heart, because God is there inside our hearts."

Young Charlie said "the brain, because God is in our minds."

Finally little Johnny raised his hand and said "the l...

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A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

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Two boys go to religion class

10 minutes into the class, the teacher asks Timmy "Who was Mary?" Immediately, Adam pokes Timmy's ass with a pencil. "MOTHER OF GOD!" Timmy yells. The teacher says "Good, but don't yell." 15 minutes into the class, Timmy is called on again. "Who is the son of God?" Adam pokes his ass with a pencil a...

Why aren’t there any religions of blind people?

They can’t see who’s following them.

What's the difference between a joke and a religion?

Jokes are rarely offered as an excuse for civilised people to kill other people.

I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...

and I thought I nailed it.

Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

How do you start a religion?

Step 1: Get knocked up.

Step 2: Call it an "immaculate conception".

Step 3: Prophet.

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

Dont press religion on people,

bible says not to do that.

What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

After years of going to catholic church I’ve finally decided to seek other points of view on religion...

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it...

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

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