UPJOKE
contendreasondisagreeopposedebatedisputebickerquarrelrepresentpresentsquabbleargumentlay outsticklediscourse

Never argue with left handed people.

They're not right.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

Why do vegans never argue?

Because they can't have beef.

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

Women can argue for 3 hours straight.

But 2 minutes into a bj and their jaw hurts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

- In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?

\- Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20?

\- No

\- Why not?!

What do you call it when astrology nuts argue?

Star Wars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman

"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.

"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."

The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."

The old lady smiled a...

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?

Because they're not thinking straight.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

What kind of tree is it?

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"
So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son ...

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

I just wrote a review of a book that argues that math charts should use bolder lines.

My review: "The plot thickens"

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

Don't Argue With Children

A classroom was learning all about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal it's throat was very small.
A little girl said, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Irritated, the teacher reiterated th...

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

My wife and I argue every night that I have a garbage sense of direction

So I took my bags and right

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.
...

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide....

....Well, it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends, is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners

I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.

Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.

My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Three engineers argue about who designed the human body

"Look at all the supports and joints... " said the first engineer, "... it must have been a structural engineer."

"No, no, it was an electrical engineer; just look at the nervous system and all its connections and wiring." said the second engineer.

"Both of you are wrong" exclaimed th...

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

What do you call a Catholic that argues in church?

A mass debater

Three blondes are taking a walk

Three blondes are taking a walk in the woods when they come across a set of tracks.
The first girl says "Look! Deer tracks!"
The second one is like "No, those are moose tracks."
The third goes "What are you two thinking? Those are positively elk tracks.
So they continue to argue about it...

My girlfriend said she would leave me because I argue with her about spices

She hasn't left yet, still I think the thyme is cumin

A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his genitals exposed.

I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.

Where do people go to argue in the mall?

They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court.

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

I saw my friends having a screaming match with each other so I told them, “Remember, argue with facts and not curses.”

So now I’m APPARENTLY banned from the Witches Gatherings from now on.

Nobody can argue that Trump is creating jobs.

A position as an Iranian general just opened up.

You can't argue with dumb people, change my mind

You can't argue with dumb people, change my mind

It's hard to argue with a smart person

But it's impossible to argue with a dumb person.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vendin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

I want to argue with flat earthers but...

I just feel like we're not on a level playing field

Never argue with a fictional character

Their minds are completely made up

How many mathematicians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue

One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99!

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed



and the other is our child's.

Rabbi John is arguing with three other Rabbis over a passage in the Torah.

He argues with them for over an hour before he says

Rabbi John: Alright you three think you're right and I think I'm right. Let's ask God.

The four men walk outside to a cliff, and John shouts to the sky


Rabbi John: God if I'm right send me a sign!


Storm clouds ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.