As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

What credit card does the captain of a ship use?

A MasterCard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Donald Trump Joke

Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an...

Stolen Credit Card

My wife had her credit card stolen two months ago.

I didn't report it as the thieves are spending much less than she did.

A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

I really have to give credit to this sub for being so environmentally conscious

So many of the jokes here are recycled

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells"

(Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

I just watched Extra Credits' new video

His argument was a Reich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision takes balls.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Abortion clinics really don't get the credit they deserve.

I mean, they're killin it out there.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

If you had a credit credit with ADD

It would lose interest so fast.

In an effort to develop the World's first, true hover car...

.. scientists worked tirelessly.


(credit u/Merri)

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

My wife told me I had to stop doing flamingo impressions.

I had to put my foot down.


Not sure if this is old or not, credit to colleague at work!

People dont give JFK enough credit

He was very open-minded

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

You brush your teeth at night to keep your teeth...

You brush them in the morning to keep your friends.

Credit of this joke goes to my dental hygienist

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

Jesus didn’t pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal

How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?

Wonton (credit: seen on SAT FB group)

If you ever feel that your job is pointless...

Just remember that there is someone out there in a BMW factory installing turn signals.



Credit to /u/Snorkels721 , just sharing the golden comment

The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

“Dwarf Shortage”

Credit to Jimmy Carr.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.




-credit Charlie on Always Sunny

People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank
And he goes up to the counter and says "I want to take out a loan"
The woman behind the counter says "well I don't know if we give loans out to frogs but I'll see what we can do"
Her name is Mrs. Wack
So Mrs. Wack says "If I can get your name we'll get you starte...

Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.


Credit: Jim Gaffigan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school







Credit to a YouTube comment

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

What do you make with Deathly Masrhmallows?

S'morecruxes. (credit my 8yo)

What do you call a cow with antlers?

A Moose.

(Credit to my 5 year old son. He makes dad so proud!)

Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

Why are babies so fragile?

Because they're made with only one screw!

Credit to /u/Drunk0ctopus

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says: excuse me, but do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says: No.

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.



(Credit: Eddie Murphy’s Delirious)

No service at hotel room

I called into the hotel reception for room service. After my 5th call went unanswered, I walked up to the hotel reception angrily asking why they weren't answering.

Reception : "Extremely sorry sir. What's your room number?"
Me : "Room number 503"
Reception : "Something went wrong. 503 ...

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Killed in a tunnel.

(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Laughlin cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the fr...

A lawyer walks into a bar ...

With him he brings a scientist and a detective.

The bartender asks, “Is this a joke?”

“No, I just really want to pass this Bar Examination!” The lawyer replies.


Credit goes to my husband who told me that this morning before we got out of bed.

"I asked my wife how many men she slept with...

She said "only you Babe, all the others kept me up all night" "
(credit : Al Snow)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't take credit for this joke, but it's my go to. So, Mickey Mouse was talking to his divorce lawyer ...

and the lawyer says "You can't divorce Minnie because she's crazy" Mickey replies "I didn't say she was crazy ... I said she was fucking Goofy"

Broke my finger today.

But on the other hand, I'm fine!


(credit to @dadsaysjokes on instagram)

What do you call a baby goth bird?

An emo chick.

Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

2 blonds are working on bulding a house...

One blond is working on putting the nails in, on a side of a house. As the other blond watches, she sees her put a nail in, then throw one away, then throw away another one, and put one in... She repeats this for a while, then the other blond asks her "Why are you throwing away those nails?" she rep...

A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend...

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

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