A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

My boss promised me that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag about that he is going to ba a father.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Credit to Jack Whitehall

If you have a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?



The Hulk's dick in your mouth.

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

Are you my credit score?

Cause you’re scary as hell

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits.

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

I really have to give credit to this sub for being so environmentally conscious

So many of the jokes here are recycled

A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

I just watched Extra Credits' new video

His argument was a Reich

Amy Schumer

Can't wait for Amy Schumer to find this subreddit. She might not give you the credit but your joke will sure as hell be famous.

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision takes balls.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Listen, the last thing I want to do here is be condescending

That means "to talk down to"

*(Credit: Bob Newhart)*

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

Abortion clinics really don't get the credit they deserve.

I mean, they're killin it out there.

Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants.

(Credit to my nine year old son)

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

"Hey, don't make jokes about AIDS"

"Really dude, are you sure i can't making jokes about AIDS"

"Im not just sure, Im HIV positive."



(Credit to southpark, but tweaked a bit)

What do you call a dinosaur that likes men and women

Birexual



Credit to some dumb 14-year old on my school bus

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The monks and the sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think i could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Jesus didn’t pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal

If you had a credit credit with ADD

It would lose interest so fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day

Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean. Credit: Gary Delaney

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera...

What's 11 plus 2 plus 4 minus 17?

A lot of work for nothing.



Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

I have my own private jet...

The rest of the jacuzzi belonged to my mum.

[credit: Milton Jones]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

Is hell endothermic or exothermic?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at w...

A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!

(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

What do brexit and an open relationship have in common?

They want all the benefits without the responsibilities.

Credit: a british comedian's ex

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

People dont give JFK enough credit

He was very open-minded

My wife gets angry at the phrase “hand me downs.”

Apparently that’s not how I ask her to let me hold our disabled child.


Credit: (u/ajstaff)

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

Bees have good hair

Credit to their honey combs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man rubs a lamp. POOF: Genie. “You get one wish.”

Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.”
Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?”
Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last blowjob.”
Genie: “Can I see th...

Why do riot police come to work early?

So they can beat the crowd

Credit to:
u/Bodchubbz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked up to a seven eleven cash register.

The cashier looked at me and said “strip down, facing me”. How the fuck am I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

"Mom, I'm dating a man"

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

credit: u/Authwarth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Donald Trump Joke

Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an...

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys hear that Trump’s not going to participate in his impeachment inquiry?

I heard he got phone spurs.


(Credit to Colbert)

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

A woman gave birth to a set of twins...

She was so tired by the end of it that she fell asleep. She woke up 16 hours later and asked about her babies. The nurse said "You had two healthy babies. First one is a daughter and the second is a son. Fortunately your brother was here to name your kids since you were out cold. We tried several ti...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells"

(Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anyt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called boob sweat and not . . .

Humidititties?

Credit: El Arroyo Mexican Restaurant Marquee

Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

If you ever feel that your job is pointless...

Just remember that there is someone out there in a BMW factory installing turn signals.



Credit to /u/Snorkels721 , just sharing the golden comment

What’s the worst thing to put in a Mexicans drink?

ICE

Credit: My friend

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

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