Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

Did Jesus use cash or credit to pay for our sins?

No he used praypal

A thief has stolen the credit card of a family

The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_

Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

It turns out that one of the doctors who I credited as a source in my book about impostor syndrome had falsified his credentials...

.. but every single one of my sources has so far admitted to being the fraudster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

You gotta give Jeffrey Toobin credit.

People said he wouldn’t become a household name, but he pulled it off anyway.

A pint of less. Credit to u/staramara for the joke.

So a guy walks into a bar, orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "whats less?"

The guy says, "I dont know, but my doctor said i have to start drinking it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

What is the most exciting credit card?

Capital One

(lets see how many people get this)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago.

So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

Life for me is always like a credit card

I'm always getting used and denied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dick has a sad life...

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him until he throws up.

Credit to whoever actually created this joke

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what will his mother be called?

Joe mama.

Credit to u/Grignard_RMgX

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can say what you want about Hitler, but you have to give credit where credit is due...

He did kill Hitler

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Credit to my 6th grade science teacher

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

What type of shoes do amphibians wear?

Open toad

Credits to my Google Assistant

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus: Hey Moses, when's the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.

Moses: It's been a while. Let's see.

And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.

Moses: What about you? Can you ...

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Trump answers 'what is 2 + 2' ?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Cause he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken!

(Rik Mayall should have credit for that one. One of his warm up jokes during the taping of 'Bottom'. RIP)

What shakes at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.

Credit: My popsicle stick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Southern Belles

Old joke:

Three southern belles are having lunch and bragging.

1: Well, my husband just bought me a new beach house just to get away when I want to.

2: That's nice!

3: Well, MY husband sends me to Europe every spring with his credit card for me to buy anything I want.
...

What’s the difference between the poor and the middle class?

Credit.

You think your job feels meaningless

But imagine being the guy who makes ending credits for Netflix shows

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.


<...

When a Gamestop employee dies and goes to Heaven...

Do you think God says "Well you have 3,000 good deeds, but I'm only gonna give you credit for 14 of them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My butt crack is like an iceberg...

90% of it is below see-level.

You know how you feel when you're leaning back in a chair and you almost fall over backwards but at the last instant you catch yourself?

I feel like that all the time.

*Credit Steven Wright*

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say when a ghost makes you orgasm?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Credit to my bff.

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

A man dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the pearly gates, and he sees two lines: one labeled "Predestination" and the other labeled "Free Will." The man, being a good five-point Calvinist, gets in the "predestined line." He waits his turn and gets to the front, and the angel asks him "Why are you in the predestined line?" Guy g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating.

Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.



Britain was at the door.

Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post.

Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

As I was checking out at the local grocery store..

the clerk said, "Strip down, facing me". I was down to my socks before I realized she was talking about my credit card..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestan...

Found this one at the end of the Sim City 2000 credits

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, "gimme a drink" and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here."

So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bart...

Little Johnny’s teach asked him

“If there were three birds on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?” To which Johnny replies “none, after I shot the first one, the other two would fly away”. Not exactly the answer she was looking for she gave Johnny credit for the thoughtful answer.

After a second Johnny asks th...

A man sits in his car

A man sits in his car at a gas station. He has just refilled his gas and payed. When he is about to leave, he sees a blonde lady standing to the other side of the road. He pulls down his window, as the lady is waking towards his car. He handsome! The lady says. Can I catch a ride home? Sure, get in!...

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was walking his dog,

the dog jumped into a freezing cold water and started drowning, a German tourist jumped in to save the dog. After he climbed out, the German says "Here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine".

The guy asks the German "Are you a vet?" The German replied "Vet?..... I'm fuckin...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

What's the worst kind of genealogist?

A dyslexic one

Credit to my boyfriend as he came up with this while talking about how bad my dyslexia is.

Time zones

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Why, Putin asks him?

Ah, I can't find myself with these times: -

I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,

I last woke you up at 4 in the mornin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on the couch watching TV...

When he hears a little knock on the door. He gets up, goes to the door, opens it, but there isn't anyone there. A little iritated, he closes the door and sits back down on the couch.

A few seconds later, theres another little knock at the door. The man jumps up and rushes to the door, fling...

TEACHER: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit?

**ME:** I'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good.

**TEACHER:** orwell?

**ME:** yeah... I meant the author is so well.

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

They say a woman's work is never done.

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

All credit to Sean Lock comedian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

Why has our solar system never been visited by aliens?

Bad reviews; only one star.

Credit's to Sebastion Elytron; where ever you may be.

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

My boss promised me that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag about that he is going to ba a father.

I never understood people who have the confederate flag and the american flag bumper stickers.

It seems like a bad relationship. It's like, "this one is to commemorate my love for Steve! And this one is to commemorate the time I tried to escape from Steve...."


Credit goes to Neal Brennan

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I got asked out by a girl today

She told me to leave the womens bathroom





Credit to u/Dr00000100

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