I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my women like I like my credit card debt.

Always there, gaining interest, and constantly fucking me.

School is just like my credit card

0% interest for the first 9 months.

People dont give JFK enough credit

He was very open-minded

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common?

Outstanding Balance!

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)

​

One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds,...

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

Ghoul in the Pub (Credit to Paul Sloane & Des MacHale)

Bill, a tourist in Devon, spends the day sightseeing, then decides to finish the day at a pub in a nearby village. He gets absorbed in the rustic atmosphere, but in the midst of drinking a Guinness, he notices what appears to be a ghoul drinking from a small green bottle, across the room. This perso...

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Did jesus pay for our sins in cash or credit?

He pay for our sins in praypal.

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't take credit for this joke, but it's my go to. So, Mickey Mouse was talking to his divorce lawyer ...

and the lawyer says "You can't divorce Minnie because she's crazy" Mickey replies "I didn't say she was crazy ... I said she was fucking Goofy"

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

I just checked, and I got perfect credit!

I got a 100.

If you want to get a girl's attention, just compliment them

Like: Wow! You're a fast runner. Almost got away!


Credits: Jimmy Carr

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

Credit to Demetri Martin.

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

If i had a dollar for every good joke posted on r/jokes...

... I'd have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.

Credit to u/maxline388

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

I can't take all the credit... I would like to thank my fingers...

... I could always count on them. Without them, I would have lost touch.

Degree

I was waiting for a green light when I saw an elderly woman walking with a small child.

The excited young girl was walking slightly faster than the old lady, so the woman yelled, “Degree! Wait for me!”

Intrigued by such a unique name, I got out of the car and asked why she called the ...

Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?

He was addicted to quack cocaine

(I honestly wish I could take credit for this)

Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2?

*60,000 credits*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan

When they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried...

The Cheating Husband

A mother told her son to use her phone and call his dad to tell him that dinner was ready.

Mom: Did you call your father?

Son: Yes mom!

Mom: And what did he say?

Son: Nothing mommy...

Mom: What do you mean, nothing?

Son: I called him three times and every ti...

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We don't give toilets enough credit

they take a lot of shit and never complain

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' s...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Republican Tax Bill Changes the Child Tax Credit and the Estate Tax

So I'll be fucked coming and going

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...