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Credit Jokes

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

Bros Vs. Hoes. (credit to u/itshimstarwarrior)



*A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.*

**A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had...

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seen on X. Credit to @614clinton

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't hav...

I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them.

I still do, but I used to, too.

A thief stole my credit card

But I don't mind, he's spending less than my wife

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the y...

If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist.

They will cosine for you.

Gotta give credit to spiders...

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Engineer Goes To Hell (repost from r/AskReddit, all credit to armaha)

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..."
At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on ...

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone credits Pastors and Priests for spreading the gospel..

But no on seems to appreciate the stunning amount of missionary work done by porn stars..

I give Will Smith credit…

It takes guts to stand up and defend another man’s woman like that.

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?

Because he applied for a MasterCard.

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

Sherlock Holmes was always reluctant to take credit for solving a mystery

Oh it was nothing, he would say. The police would have solved it in time.

Everyone knew he was just being modest. Be he ever so humble, there's no Police like Holmes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven (credits to u/DerRaumdenker)

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does my APR credit card have in common with my wife giving me a blowjob?

No interest until 2024

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

What do you call a credit card riding a train?

American Express

What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score?

Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

I don’t want to take credit for this joke.

Cash or a check will be fine though.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

An employee I loathe accidently used the company credit card at the strip club.

.



I wanted to give him a hard time, you know… rub it in his face.

Lil late for that though.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

I’ve got to give credit where credit is due.

I don’t know where I would be without my Cartography degree.

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My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card…

Because I'm always getting denied (by ladies)

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

I’m giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

It’s several shades of blue, very thin, about 3” long and 2” tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black secti...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

If you had a credit credit with ADD

It would lose interest so fast.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can say what you want about Hitler, but you have to give credit where credit is due...

He did kill Hitler

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

Idea credit goes to a random redditor on a random askreddit thread about stereotypes

A man goes up to his friend and asks him:

"What do you think is the most infuriating stereotype about men that people always talk about?"

His friend replies:

"I hate it when people say that men can't multitask. Whenever I hear someone say that, I have to stop what I'm doing so t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.


They both get into his car and drive really far.


He stops at a cliff with the...

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Are you my credit score?

Cause you’re scary as hell

What's big, black and steals you credit card?

Sony Playstation 3

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

I'm trying to buy one of those triangle-shaped cabins, but my credit isn't good enough to get a loan.

I'll have to get someone to cosine.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

Epstein didnt get enough credit as a businessman

He really captured the youth market.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

To her credit, the nurse that prepped me for my vasectomy was very gentle and I'm sure she didn't mean to be unkind.

But I don't think it was very nice of her to say "Just a little prick, sir".

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

My wife and I tried to buy weed at a dispensary, but we were told they only take cash or credit cards.

I told the clerk "It's OK. We have a joint checking account."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We don't give toilets enough credit

they take a lot of shit and never complain

I’m really good at managing my credit card...

...My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

Credit to u/kilophax

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car f...

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit...

Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?

What do you call it when you use a credit card at night?

A loan in the dark

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