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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

I’m giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

It’s several shades of blue, very thin, about 3” long and 2” tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black secti...

If you have bad credit, a trigonometrist is the best friend to have.

He can cosine for you.

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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm...

And she spat it back on my face.

(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

Idea credit goes to a random redditor on a random askreddit thread about stereotypes

A man goes up to his friend and asks him:

"What do you think is the most infuriating stereotype about men that people always talk about?"

His friend replies:

"I hate it when people say that men can't multitask. Whenever I hear someone say that, I have to stop what I'm doing so t...

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Fiction

Credit to the movie The Starving Games

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

\[Not OC, but when I tried to give credit to the originator, whose name you'd never repeat in church, It got pulled immediately\]

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day" Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?" Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will" Bob replies "Why on earth not?"

Jim Then Says "Well The Thief Appears To Be Spending Less Than What My Wife Does".

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

Went to my first fight club last night

I got there a bit late so I missed the orientation but wow it was amazing. If anyone wants more information, let me know!

\- credit to my friend Brian who popped this one off last night. He's not a very original sort so I'm sure he stole it from somewhere.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

What small thing screams "I'm rich"?

A dwarf who just won the lottery.


Credit to u/collider1

Knock knock

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Cow goes.
Cow goes who?
No, Cow goes Moo!

Credit to my 7 year old daughter

Fellas, if your girl has some form of Polyethylene terephthalate in the shape of an equiangular quadrilateral with the hex code of ff0000

get out fast, that’s a red flag.


Credit to u/wcollins260

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme. (Credit to Dorothy Parker.)

What's black and white and goes "Oooooo"?

A cow with no lips.



(Credit goes to my 8-yr-old.)

Why shouldn't you yell into a colinder?

You'll strain your voice.



(credits go to u/trewpowor)

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

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A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

My friend asked me “did you get a hair cut?”

I said “no I got a lot of them cut”


Credit to my geometry teacher for the joke

If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit...

Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?

Why did the farmer cross the road?

To get his chicken back.


(Credit goes to my little sister. Did this one when she was eight. She's a legend.)

Did Jesus use cash or credit to pay for our sins?

No he used praypal

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

Want to hear a joke about the Dallas Cowboys?

The Dallas cowboys logo isnt a logo, its a rating

(Credit: unknown memer)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found this in the comments of another post. Credit to op. A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

I got my wife a Colin Kaepernick jersey

So she’s spend more time on her knees




Credit: Adam Hunter

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

Glass houses

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones..... or mastubate in daytime.

Paraphrased from Bo Burnham. Credit where it's due.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"



(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card.

Because I'm always getting denied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria”

The second man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur”

The third man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign o...

A good conversation is like a miniskirt…

Short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.


Credit: Celeste Headlee’s sister

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

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Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Saving a Christian.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

Some friends are out golfing when a phone rang

One of them picks it up :

"Hey honey, it's your wife. Sorry for interrupting your game but I saw these amazing boots that costs $2k. They are on sale right now, can I have them ?"

"Of course ! Use my credit card."

"Thank you ! Also, I just saw that Mercedes has a new model and p...

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

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bad day today

I put on my shirt, a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!

Credit Rodney Dangerfield

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a $5 prostitute…

A few days later he finds out he has crabs. He returns to the prostitute angry. She says, it was only $5, what did you expect, lobster?

Credit to Michael Scott

What do you call a dog that's blasting out music at the bottom of the ocean?

A subwoofer.

(You can credit/discredit my son for coming up with this)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

What do you call it when you use a credit card at night?

A loan in the dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself.

St Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyon...

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An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

It turns out that one of the doctors who I credited as a source in my book about impostor syndrome had falsified his credentials...

.. but every single one of my sources has so far admitted to being the fraudster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago.

So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.

A pint of less. Credit to u/staramara for the joke.

So a guy walks into a bar, orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "whats less?"

The guy says, "I dont know, but my doctor said i have to start drinking it."

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservati...

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud?

They just give aloha!



Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between anal sex and a microwave...

Is that anal sex will brown your meat without cooking it.




Credit to u/megalultra9 for commenting it on another subreddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can say what you want about Hitler, but you have to give credit where credit is due...

He did kill Hitler

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

Ya know what they call me?

They call me deaf.

Or at least I assume they do.

Credits to u/agenttarian

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. 

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." 

Th...

A priest, rabbi and a monk walk into a bar.

"Ouch" they said.

credit u/trueblue862

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

A man goes to the mechanic.

He says "My car goes rr- rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man frowns and says "My car goes rr-rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man looks angry and says "Would you l-let me ff-finish! I h...

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

Billionaire space tourists are like buses …

You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time

(Credit : BBC presenter Bill)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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