Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Police: Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

Found this one at the end of the Sim City 2000 credits

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, "gimme a drink" and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here."

So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bart...

Single people tend to have very bad credit.

I guess it’s because they’re a loan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Limerick, with credit to my favorite Drag Queen, Lily White

There once was a man from Nantucket

He saw a pig and wanted to fuck it

The pig said "I'm queer

but not from the rear,"

"come around to the front and I'll suck it."

Don’t you just hate when you say a joke but then someone says it louder than you and gets the credit?...

My friend: DON’T YOU JUST HATE WHEN YOU SAY A JOKE BUT THEN SOMEONE SAYS IT LOUDER THAN YOU AND GETS THE CREDIT?...

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.



I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

TEACHER: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit?

**ME:** I'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good.

**TEACHER:** orwell?

**ME:** yeah... I meant the author is so well.

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

1 to repost and claim as their own content.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

My boss promised me that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag about that he is going to ba a father.

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

Amazon employee confirmed to have Coronavirus

You can get it by tomorrow if you order within the next two hours.




*credit: nick ubel /facebook

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

Are you my credit score?

Cause you’re scary as hell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn't the dildo cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

Three word joke

Stationary Store Moves

Two word joke

Dwarf Shortage

Credit - Jimmy Carr

Had a big mix up at the store today...

Apparently, when the clerk said "strip down facing me" they were referring to my credit card

The Jumper

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or ...

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A magical cliff

There were three men at the edge of a magical cliff. Jumping off of this cliff while saying something will turn you into the thing you said.

The first man looked up at the sky and said, “I’ve always wanted to fly,” so he jumped and yelled, “BIRD!” He turned into a bird and flew away.

...

At a Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "...

What is an acorn?

It's an oak tree, in a nutshell.



Hahah my friend told me this. Credits to him.

I really have to give credit to this sub for being so environmentally conscious

So many of the jokes here are recycled

How many conservation officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change?! What do you mean, "change"?

(Credit Grand Designs)

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs

How do I know? Well let's just say a little bird told me.

(Joke credit goes to Stewart Francis)

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

Why is it that so many Americans do not have a passport ?

They don't fit in the photo booth.

Credits: Jimmy Carr

I scored 197 on an IQ test

The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.

My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

I have 50 jokes about the unemployed

the thing is none of them make any cents

credit to u/NoneNoneNone2020

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


(Credit to Terry Pratchett)

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

I just watched Extra Credits' new video

His argument was a Reich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Justice is best served cold...

...bcs if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

credit to u/elhermanobrother for the joke.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory...

is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.



(Credit: Steven Wright.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision takes balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that the seventh planet from the Sun gained a few minor satellites?

There are 'roids around your anus.

Credit to buckwheat469

I have both Irish and Scottish ancestry

I love to drink, but hate to pay for it.

(Joke Credit: Johnny Cunningham via Kevin Burke).

Barack Obama went to a costume party...

Barack Obama went to a costume party while giving his wife a piggy-back ride.

The host of the party greeted them, saying “hello Mr. President! I’m so glad you’re here, but what are you dressed as?”

Obama responded, “a snail! That’s Michelle on my back!”


Credit to Tim Pearce ...

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...

I mean, it COULD happen!

Credit: Dana Carvey

I was driving down to Florida and got pulled over for speeding halfway through Georgia.

The cop told me and my buddy that nobody goes that fast through his county. My friend leaned over and said, "Sherman did."

(Credit to u/hisownspace for the joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

Jesus didn’t pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal

Abortion clinics really don't get the credit they deserve.

I mean, they're killin it out there.

What is Jedi Master Qui Gon Gin's favorite part of a movie

The credits

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

Why was 6 afraid that 7 8 9?

Because 6 and 9 were in a realationship.

credit to u/i_harry

The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The admin rep...

What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.

Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

Stone masons really take their work for granite

But their work is truly marblelous.



-credit goes to a post on r/memes

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint

Credit goes to Keri from Mythbusters

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar ?"

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add stat...

If you had a credit credit with ADD

It would lose interest so fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

A man walks into a bank, because his credit score is mysteriously low.

He doesn't understand this. He knew that he had paid all his debts, repaid all his loans, the whole shebang.

He enters the bank and walks up to the bank teller.

"Hi," he says. "I've noticed that my credit score seems a little low. Could you please check why?"

"Alright," says ...

I don't like talking to myself

She's really mean.





*Credit goes to my girlfriend for this one*

I just got fired as a mailman. I'm also a part time stand up.

I'm funny but have to work on my delivery.

(Credit to the top comment of a previous post, I forgot whom to deliver the credit to)

Dad, what would I do if I were you?

What?

Panic!

Why panic? Would I panic?

Because we'd have swapped bodies, duh.

(credit goes to my daughter, I did not see that one coming)

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

What does the promiscuous farmer’s wife grow best?

Her Peas


Credit to my husband

People dont give JFK enough credit

He was very open-minded

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?

Edit: WOW!!!! This really blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Credit to u/WolfyDolfy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

Ancient China should be credited for inventing toilet paper.

The inventor was Wai Ping.

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