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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card…

Because I'm always getting denied (by ladies)

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme. (Credit to Dorothy Parker.)

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day" Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?" Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will" Bob replies "Why on earth not?"

Jim Then Says "Well The Thief Appears To Be Spending Less Than What My Wife Does".

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Anyone can be buried when they die

But if you wanna be cremated, you have to urn it!

Credit to celinaspookyboo on ig

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A good conversation is like a miniskirt…

Short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.


Credit: Celeste Headlee’s sister

If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit...

Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?

What do you call a dog that's blasting out music at the bottom of the ocean?

A subwoofer.

(You can credit/discredit my son for coming up with this)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a $5 prostitute…

A few days later he finds out he has crabs. He returns to the prostitute angry. She says, it was only $5, what did you expect, lobster?

Credit to Michael Scott

I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Saving a Christian.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

There was a lawyer who had twelve kids.

He could not find a house to rent, as no landlords wanted to have twelve kids breaking their properties. As he believed that he must not lie, he told his wife to bring eleven kids to have a walk at a nearby cemetery. Then he took the other kid and went to meet a landlord. The landlord asked:

...

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"



(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)

Did Jesus use cash or credit to pay for our sins?

No he used praypal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found this in the comments of another post. Credit to op. A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself.

St Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyon...

Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud?

They just give aloha!



Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard

A thief has stolen the credit card of a family

The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_

Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between anal sex and a microwave...

Is that anal sex will brown your meat without cooking it.




Credit to u/megalultra9 for commenting it on another subreddit.

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

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Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

Ya know what they call me?

They call me deaf.

Or at least I assume they do.

Credits to u/agenttarian

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

What do you call it when you use a credit card at night?

A loan in the dark

A priest, rabbi and a monk walk into a bar.

"Ouch" they said.

credit u/trueblue862

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. 

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." 

Th...

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

Billionaire space tourists are like buses …

You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time

(Credit : BBC presenter Bill)

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

It turns out that one of the doctors who I credited as a source in my book about impostor syndrome had falsified his credentials...

.. but every single one of my sources has so far admitted to being the fraudster.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

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Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

A man goes to the mechanic.

He says "My car goes rr- rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man frowns and says "My car goes rr-rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man looks angry and says "Would you l-let me ff-finish! I h...

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago.

So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

S. Holmes: Do you know what constipated means Watson?

Watson: No shit, Sherlock?

(Credit: Mark Normand)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

A man goes into a town he's never seen before

He finds someone to give him a tour, but as he's lead around the town, everything is so strange. Finally, the tour guide brings him to a big building. "This is the train station" he says. The man from out of town says "Finally something normal". But when he goes in there's just a bunch of drawers. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

His wife died.



Credit to Mike Zahalsky, Urologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a ...

Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have?

Student: One dollar.

Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.

Student: You don't know my father.


(Credit: The Three Stooges)

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can say what you want about Hitler, but you have to give credit where credit is due...

He did kill Hitler

Did Schrodinger have an open-casket funeral?

You know, just to be sure?

\[Credit to my brother\]

Wanna hear a construction joke?

Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I was a robot

I’d actually have a sex drive

(Credit to my stoned wife)

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "Cash or credit card?"

What are the KKK's favorite drinks?

White Powera-de and Hater-ade



(Credit to u/apena824 for the hater-ade)

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

I got 25/20 on an exam the other day

I didn't know you could get extra credit on an eye exam

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

How does the blind skydiver know he’s about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Credit: My blind sister.)

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in school, my mate got caught having a wank in the showers.

Really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To social distance.

(Credit to my 10 year old niece for coming up with this one.)

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