What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

An esteemed botanist working at a museum was out in his grass meadow one day, observing all of the fauna when...

His assistant, working at the front desk of the museum was approached by an older lady. She asked “Truly, how good is this botanist anyways? And where is he, I haven’t seen him anywhere!” To which the assistant replied “Oh, he’s out standing in his field!”

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

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My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

I was at the hospital the other day and the Radiologist had really low self-esteem.

I think he had body image issues.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

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A King says to 3 of his most esteemed Knights

- Sir Brand! Kiss my hand.

- Sir Amit! Kiss my feet.

- Sir Hancock! Sir Hancock? Why are you running away from me?

Why does Atheist Jesus have low self esteem?

He doesn't believe in himself.

My girlfriend is like my self-esteem

I have none

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

My girlfriend got sick of my self esteem issues and ran off with my best friend.

The worst part is they were both imaginary.

I have a huge problem with self-esteem

But I can only blame myself for that.

My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...

They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!

Everyone says that my low self esteem looks bad on me...

I agree.

How low is my self esteem?

Well, I'm pretty sure the fbi guy who's responsible for watching me put duct tape on his screen.

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

Lately my self esteem has been so low...

Even in the shower I sing backup vocals.

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Michael is very shy and has low self-esteem because he is missing an eye, and his poor parents could only afford a wooden false eye.

He doesn't have many friends, and he's terrified of girls, although there is one girl he has his eye on. Her name is Betsy, and she has a hair-lip.

The school dance is coming up in a few days, and it seems like absolutely everyone has a date. Everyone, that is, except for him and Betsy. It...

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"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem?

Girl: Of course, yes, I do

Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better

When it comes to girls with low self-esteem...

guys always go for the low hanging fruit because they are easy pickings.

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

Low self esteem group meeting

Please use the back door

What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self-esteem issues?

An insecurity guard 😏

My self esteem is so low....

The other night my hand told me that it had a headache.

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.

The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he wa...

Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

What's lower than my income?

My self esteem.

What sits in front of the mirror and gets smaller and smaller?

My self esteem.

Why was one of Santa's little helpers depressed?

He had low elf esteem.

A frog walks into a bank

He’s greeted by the receptionist “good afternoon sir, welcome to first national bank, my name is Patty Zwack, how may I help you?”. “Hello Patty, I would like to apply for a loan” said the frog. “Well” said Patty “we usually require collateral, something valuable we can retain if you fail to repay t...

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Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...

In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm...

Galileo stated that everything falls at the same speed, however this is not true

My self esteem falls pretty fast

Three dinosaurs found a magic lamp

They rubbed it and out came a genie.



"What do you wish, my esteemed dinosaurs?"



"Meat" growled the first one. "I want meat."


"You wish is my command". There was meat.


"And what do you wish for?"


"I want MORE meat. I want it to rain...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

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Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.

The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."

"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"

The doctor tells him that he m...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

So this guy is feeling really down about himself....

....so he decides to go see a shrink. He lays on the couch and spills out his troubles, his fears, his self-doubts, and his longing for something more.

The doctor listens to all of this, and then sits quietly pondering over what he has heard. Suddenly his face brightens.

"Aha! I've f...

Your Momma is so ugly...

It effects her self esteem.

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

The living forest

There once lived a monk who took care of a sentient forest. The queen of a neighboring country heard of this forest and wanted to see it for herself, so she traveled there to meet the monk and see his forest.

The monk, honored by his esteemed visitor, showed her around, one beautiful grove af...

Why was the train engineer always complimenting his train?

It was esteem powered.

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam go golfing...

The imam tees off first. He completely shanks the drive. "Fuck!" he screams, "I missed!" The priest turns to the imam and says "My friend, you must watch you language. If you continue to swear God will rain his wrath upon you". The others tee off without further incident.

On the fairway, the ...

Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar.

Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are...

Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning

'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'

'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'

Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the co...

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I read a sign outside my local primary school saying: "Slow children playing."

I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it.

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Monkey and Lion

A Lion and lioness were sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a near by tree and start insulting lion.

Lioness gets angry and inquire : " King of the jungle how dare this lowly animal saying such insults to you? You must punish him by killing him instantly"

Lion (in its full gl...

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

The Man With the Wooden Eye

So, there was this guy with a wooden eye who was having some self esteem issues. In an effort to get out of the rut he was in, he decided to shake things up and go to a local dance in hopes of getting his confidence back. There he saw a woman with very pronounced buck teeth, and figuring she would...

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So my girlfriend turns to me...

she says "do you think I'm pretty?" I think about it and say "You're definitely a 6". For some reason she gets offended and starts ranting about how I'm an asshole and that she's been battling with low self esteem. I tried to explain that 6 is perfect, but she was never one to appreciate number theo...

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Mr. Wankbreak.

A man is driving along at great speed, and gets pulled over by a police officer, who approaches his window, and the conversation was as follows
'You were speeding sir, would you have your license on you'
'Sorry, I havent'
'What's your name'
'George wankbreak'
'I'm not joking sir, I'll...

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A businessman returns home early from his business trip...

...and calls out to his wife. Hearing no answer, the businessman thinks that she must be out, and decides to go to his room to unpack and wait for her. However, when he reaches his room and opens his wardrobe, he discovers his wife inside, barely clothed. Suddenly, a naked man bursts out from behind...

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A stuttering man visits his doctor

A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing ...

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

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the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

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The Psychology Professor's Costume Party

An psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday. Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion. This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.

The night of th...

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A lady had to walk to work one day...

....which meant she had to walk past a new pet store.

As she passed it a huge parrot on display in the front window squawked out to her

"HEY LADY! You are SURE AS UGLY!"

The woman was offended and mortified but continued her way.

At the end of the day she passed it again...

Dr. Drobkin was a world famous cardiologist...

He grew up in a very small town and when he had finished all of his schooling, he returned to his small hometown and opened a practice which also became world famous. A short time after his practice had gained credibility and esteem, Dr. Drobkin made a fantastic discovery about the treatment of card...

I've been practicing pickup lines for depressed men...

Hey baby, can you get your pants lower than my self-esteem?

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