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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow...

Soup everywhere.

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

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I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

What's the difference between a dove and a swallow?

Your mom didn't dove half the guys in the US

If a bluebird has blue babies and a blackbird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer places the ball in...

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

Two swallows are talking:

"It will rain."

"How do you know?"

"Humans stare at us."

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My wife handed me some viagra and told me that as I've never given her an orgasm, maybe this could help.

That was a hard pill to swallow.

How To Win Love

How to win **her** love:


1. Hold doors.
2. Tell her she's beautiful.
3. Make her laugh.
4. Be confident.
5. Treat her like a princess.


How to win **his** love.


1. Swallow.

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A whale story

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow bring bad babies, what brings no babies?

The Swallow

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

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I got thrown out of the pharmacy today when all I did was ask the worker, "Do you swallow it or take it up the ass?"

How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do, I've never used a suppository before?!

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster

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What do you do if an elephant swallows you...?

Just run around in circles till your all pooped out

What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reali-tea.

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

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A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"

"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"

So she does.

"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.

"But the...

I always swallow fortune cookies whole.

It gives me something to read on the toilet.

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Your momma so slutty...

...her spirit animal is the swallow.

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

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A girl at a talent show succeeds in tying a cherry stem in her mouth, but accidentally swallows it.

No one believes she tied it. She assures everyone she has and can prove it. “I shit you knot.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can swallow a rope and make it come out the other end tied.

I shit you knot!

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I want a girl who has big tits and swallows

They are my two favorite birds after all.

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

A man accidentally swallows a coin

He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

NSFW: “Do you spit or swallow?”

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, “Do you spit or swallow?”
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

What's the difference between spit and swallow?

A firm grip on the back of her head.

It can be really hard to swallow your pride

But sometimes a lion is just that hungry

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is more for the ladies.... But none the less, I had a good laugh.

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a w...

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

A boy swallows a whole jar of coins...

A boy swallows a whole jar of coins, and is taken to a hospital. When the doctor came out to speak with the parents, he said, "No change yet."

They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow...

But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.

What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow?

Abandonment.

Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep!

That's what my gastroentomologist told me.

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So two whales are swimming in the ocean...

So two whales are swimming in the ocean when they come upon a small fishing boat. The first whale turns to the second whale and says,
"Hey! We should go tip that boat!"
The second whale agrees so they both swim under one side of the boat and blow out of their blowholes as hard as they can....

On another peaceful hill, stand two cows, the first cows turns chewing her cud to the second cow and says, " I say, does this mad cow malarkey worry you at all". The second cow turns to the first, swallows his cud and says...

"Nah, it don't worry us tractors"

With all this uranium on Reddit, we should remember not to swallow any.

You'll get atomic ache