UPJOKE
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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

reality

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

I once swallowed a dictionary

I had thesaurus throat imaginable.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

A man walks into the ER after swallowing a tire.

The doctor looks at the chart, looks at the man, and says "Oh my god, you really swallowed a tire?"

"Wheely.", says the man.

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

The trick to swallowing is to shove it all the way in your throat since there are no taste buds back there.

My mother's cooking is terrible.

Did you hear about the comedian whose house was swallowed by a sink hole?

I don't know but there's a joke in there somewhere.

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What do you do when you get swallowed by an elephant?

Run around until you’re all pooped out!

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

What do you get when you swallow toothpaste?

excremint

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I have this incredible talent, where I can swallow two strings and poop them out tied together.

I shit you knot.

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

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I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, s...

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?

The swallow

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles

Now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.

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I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

I’m in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.

I’m waiting for someone to see me.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

My son grabbed some coins from his mother's purse and swallowed them.

We weren't sure how much he actually swallowed at first, but we finally figured it out using the process of elimination.

What's the only good outcome of a barium swallow procedure?

All that G*rey Poupon.*

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York

When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallo...

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

How’s that kid doing that swallowed all those coins?

No change yet…

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TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

What's a cannibals favorite game?

Swallow the leader

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

Everyone thinks that doves are the bird of love. You know what the true bird of love is?

The swallow.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

A terrified mother called 911

"Help me!" she said. "My son just swallowed a fork!"

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.

"What should I do until it arrives?" the mother asked him.

"Use a spoon"

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

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A parrot swallows one of his owner’s Viagra tablets.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer for 30 minutes to cool off.

Later, when he opens the freezer door, he finds the parrot sweating. “Why are you sweating?” he asks.

The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

At the barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

\- "Just place this between your chee...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch

It was worth it just to see his little face light up

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(Long) A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

# She slapped me and stormed off!

### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

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Grandpa overdosed on viagra recently.

Grandma found it hard to swallow.

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

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My Viagra got stucked on my throat while swallowing it

It got me a raging stiff neck for 4 hours

Spartacus and his wife are enjoying a nice dinner with friends when

Out of nowhere a lion leaps onto the table and swallows his wife whole!

Horrified, his friends shout "Spartacus, your wife was just eaten by a lion! Why didn't you do something?"

Shocked Spartacus says "Do something? I was gladiator."

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

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Reasons girls should swallow

How the fuck else are they supposed to eat, you idiot?

I've just swallowed a mood ring..

Not quite sure how I feel about it !!

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to swallow a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.

He was just choking a round.

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A man and his monkey enter a bar..

A man and his monkey enter a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer, while the monkey begins to wander and examine his surroundings. The monkey picks up a peanut, smells it, and then swallows it whole. The bartender notices and says, "Hey, did you see what your pet monkey did?"

The man n...

An man goes to the ER after swallowing a large magnet.

When asked why, he said, “Well, last night my wife said she just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I was planning a big surprise tonight when her belly piercing disagreed with her.”

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows!

I tried swallowing a tablet without water before

And I have to say it wasn’t easy or even the best of decisions. Everyone at the Samsung store seems to agree.

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

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