I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

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Accidentally swallowed some tippex instead if liquid viagra.

Now I have this huge correction!

What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.

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Tough pill to swallow...

So There's this couple and one day the boyfriend finds the a little stuffed bear at a thrift shop and buys it for his girlfriend and gives it to her as a gift
" I saw that this little guy s eyes were sown pointing to each other, and I got it because I know you love imperfect things, because you...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

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I swallowed 3 whole balls of string:

I shit you knot:

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

The hardest tea to swallow...

Reality

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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

Before I die, I’m going to swallow a full bag of popcorn kernels

My cremation is going to be epic!

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

A little kid swallows 6 plastic horses...

It’s Ok
His condition is stable

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

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I swallowed an ice cube two days ago...

and haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m really scared you guys!

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

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I swallowed an ice cube several hours ago.

I haven't pooped it out and I'm afraid it's stuck somewhere.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

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I accidentally swallowed a fly today

i think my cock sucking strength is good now and I should switch focuses to improving my aim

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

I swallowed some vegan food down the wrong way.

I didn't announce to anyone I was eating it.

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I'm concerned because I swallowed an Airpod.

On the bright side, my playlists are the shit!

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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow...

Soup everywhere.

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What's the most common animal in porn?

Swallow.

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

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I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

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There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

What's the difference between a dove and a swallow?

Your mom didn't dove half the guys in the US

What do you call a Bull that has swallowed a grenade?

Abominable.

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I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards,

Because change should come from within.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

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A male and female whale were swimming...

...off the coast of Japan when they noticed a
whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many
years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets
both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
holes at the same time and it should cause th...

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

NSFW How do you know your man has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow.

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Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's compone...

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

For a lion to become a cannibal

He must first swallow his pride

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow

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Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN...

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, "Oh no, these are just prenatal...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that male lions will resort to cannibalism when they are starved?" the guy asks the bartender. "I guess they just have to swallow their pride," the bartender replies.

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I swallowed two pieces of string

A few hours later they were tied together

I shit you knot

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A man sees a little boy sitting on the curb

He watches him as he takes a M&M, pops it in his mouth and swallows it, picks up his kitten and bites it. Stands up walks 10 feet down the street, sits down, pops a M&M, bites the cat and moves another 10 feet. The man watches him for a bit as he repeats this over and over. Finally the man w...

An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.

And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.

Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked “Did you use to...

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

(NSFW) What is seamen's favorite animal?

A swallow.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

A man got rushed to the hospital because he swallowed 8 miniature horses.

He is stable now.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

Two swallows are talking:

"It will rain."

"How do you know?"

"Humans stare at us."

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Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

George Bush bought a rotisserie chicken

George Bush went to the store on day and bought a rotisserie chicken for dinner. He began his trek home when a sudden and serious hunger fell over him. His stomach grumbled, he had a headache, all his mind could think about was eating. Fortunately, he was able to bear with it until he got home. Once...

I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

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I got thrown out of the pharmacy today when all I did was ask the worker, "Do you swallow it or take it up the ass?"

How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do, I've never used a suppository before?!

A man just moved into a new house...

His house was really nice and so was his neighborhood. But the first time he went to his backyard, he tried to look over the fence. When he approached the fence, it started screetching at him.

"REEEEEEE!"

Startled, the man jumped back. He thought no one would believe him if he told th...

What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reali-tea.

This guy walks into a barber shop

This guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.

\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.

The guy conforms and he gets the f...

Doctor! Doctor!

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a dog!" "Have a seat and we'll talk." "But I'm not allowed on the sofa."

"Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a roll of film." "Well let's more as this story develops."

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a curtain!" "Calm down. Pull yourself together."

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

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A man walks up to a steaming heap of brown matter..

He stops. "Sure looks like shit to me", he mumbles to himself.

He bends down, and with his nose next to it, he takes a deep breath. ""Sure smells like shit to me", he says.

He gently pushes three fingers deep into the brown matter. "Darn sure feels like shit to me", he exclaims.
...

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?

A swallow.

Did you hear about the cow that swallowed the dynamite?

It was abominable.

Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job

At dinner a little girl spits out her food ...

Mom says, "Now dear, remember the rule is that if something is already in our mouth, we have to swallow."
Dad says, "Oh, really?"
Mom says, "Shut up!"

If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

"Mummy, what is a punk?"

"Well dear, back when I was your age, punks were people who listened to loud rock music and had strange hairstyles. Why do you ask?" "Daddy says when you go to bingo tonight, he's going to make me swallow his punk".

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A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus...

It’s what’s inside that counts...

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar for a drink. His pet monkey hops off his shoulder and grabs a handful of peanuts and swallows them whole. He next grabs some pickled eggs and swallows them whole. He then hops onto the pool table and swallows a pool ball.

The bartender says what the hells wrong with him. Th...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

What's the difference between spitting, swallowing and gargling?

Love, true love, expert technique.

Moses, Jesus and a guy went golfing

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf together. Moses hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Moses walks up to the water…lifts his arms, parting the lake…walks over to the ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Jesus walks up to the w...

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

A man goes to the movies. . .

but when he sits down he notices that the person in the seat next to him looks like a penguin. with a bucket of popcorn on it's 'lap'.

Well, he can't believe his eyes since the cinema is dim and all that.

'It must be a kid in a costume' he thinks to himself.

But as he looks clos...

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

Bubba and Earl sitting in a boat...

...fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer, when Bubba says "I think I'm gonna divorce the wife, she ain't spoke to me in two months."
Earl rubs his chin, spits tobacco juice over the side, takes a swallow of beer and says "Ya better think about it, a woman like that's hard find."

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

A guy phoned the emergency hot line, please come quick, my son has just swallowed a condom, ten minutes later he phoned again saying don't bother.

I have found another one.

I always swallow fortune cookies whole.

It gives me something to read on the toilet.

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Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

What's a thots favourite bird?

A swallow

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