I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles...

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

Benny swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.

When his mother asked how he was, the nurse said "No change yet."

Which kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

I've just swallowed a mood ring..

Not quite sure how I feel about it !!

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring...

The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”
The li...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

I accidentally swallowed some poison last night, and I had the strangest hallucination.

I was looking out of my window, and a group of former athletes walked by. Baseball players Don Mattingly, Pete Rose, and Ray Knight we’re talking with Konrad Dorn, an Austrian hockey player. Football superstars Troy Aikman and Emmett Smith were carrying guitars.

Next, a group of men from the ...

I once swallowed a whole dictionary....

...it gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.

I asked her "Do you spit or swallow?" She slapped me and stormed off!

Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

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Reasons girls should swallow

How the fuck else are they supposed to eat, you idiot?

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Don't swallow your baguettes.

It could be a pane in the ass.

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

Patient: Doctor, I was playing my kazoo and I swallowed it!

Doctor: Thank goodness you're not a tuba player

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch..

It was worth it just to see his little face light up..

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

I tried swallowing a tablet without water before

And I have to say it wasn’t easy or even the best of decisions. Everyone at the Samsung store seems to agree.

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If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together.

I shit you knot.

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Someone help I tried swallowing a viagra but it’s got stuck in my throat.

Have had a stiff neck all day.

My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to swallow a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.

He was just choking a round.

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

Did you hear that Superman is going out with a woman who swallows jewellery?

I don't know what he sees in her.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

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The Dental Appt.

>A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot."No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
>
>The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of ha...

I really hope my wife gets covid

She always says the reason she doesn’t swallow is because she doesn’t like the taste

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

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A parrot swallows Viagra

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come are you sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen c...

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I swallowed a piece of rope the other day.

I shit you knot.

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

Doctor says I have to stop eating the skin of oranges

That was a bitter peel to swallow

An old man goes for a shave.

An old man goes to the barber for a shave. He says to the barber, "Please be careful, because of my wrinkles, I haven't been able to get a smooth shave in ten years."

The barber says, "No problem, I kjow just how to help you out!" He hands him a gholfball and tells him to pop it in his mouth...

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A soldier, a Marine, and an airman are getting ready for bed one night.

The soldier opens his tent and sees a scorpion crawling on the floor. Unfazed, he crushes the scorpion, crawls into bed, and falls asleep.

The Marine opens his tent and he too finds a scorpion. He quickly draws his knife, removes the scorpion's stinger, and swallows it whole. Satisfied with h...

Hard to swallow

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

My dog was having trouble barking so I took him to the vet and they said they don't see it very often but he had swallowed a wedding ring...

...they called it a diamond in the ruff.

Why don't vegan wives swallow?

Because they are married.

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

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I will swallow a tangled up rope right now if you dare me

I shit you knot

If a stork is the bird that brings babies, then what is the bird that prevents babies?

A swallow

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A girlfriend and boyfriend orca see a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, so he asks his girlfriend, “Will you help me take down this vessel? This one killed my dad.” She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim under the vessel and use their blow holes t...

Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team?

She swallowed a fly.

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

It had mittens.

An experienced mountain guide leads a tourist from the big town trough a narrow cliff.

The tourist annoys the guide with dozends of questions. The guide swallows his pride and paitiently answers all the questions the tourist has. Finally they reach a spot the guide has the tourist on suspense on a long rope.

"Oh it´s deep here" the tourist says.

"Yep, always was" the gui...

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

We all know the stork deliveries babies, what bird helps keeps babies away?

The Swallow

I've just accidentally swallowed the cat's tablets.

Don't ask meow.

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

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I accidentally swallowed my tippex instead of my liquid viagra

Now I have a big correction

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

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My donkey swallowed a sheet of glass yesterday

It was a pane in the ass to get out of him

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

She swallowed a condom

Phone rings:
\- Doctor, doctor, you must come at once. My girlfriend swallowed a condom.

Thinking she might be choking, the doctor sprang into action, ready to jump in his car when the phone rang a second time.

\- It's me again. You don't need to come. We found another one.

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

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One ejaculation has about 15,875GB of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and as...

My son swallowed a yo-yo.

It came back up again.

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

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Tough pill to swallow...

So There's this couple and one day the boyfriend finds the a little stuffed bear at a thrift shop and buys it for his girlfriend and gives it to her as a gift
" I saw that this little guy s eyes were sown pointing to each other, and I got it because I know you love imperfect things, because you...

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A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

I heard about the guy who had thesaurus throat he'd ever had after swallowing a dictionary...

So I suggested he try soothing it with a synonym latte.

What is a crocodile’s favorite party game?

Swallow the leader!

A little kid swallows 6 plastic horses...

It’s Ok
His condition is stable

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swallowed an ice cube two days ago...

and haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m really scared you guys!

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I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

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The average human male ejaculation contains about 15.8 terabytes of information

That's a lot of information to swallow!

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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