The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow...

Soup everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

What's the difference between a dove and a swallow?

Your mom didn't dove half the guys in the US

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer places the ball in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow bring bad babies, what brings no babies?

The Swallow

Two swallows are talking:

"It will rain."

"How do you know?"

"Humans stare at us."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife handed me some viagra and told me that as I've never given her an orgasm, maybe this could help.

That was a hard pill to swallow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Im gonna ask my grand dad to swallow a whole bag of popcorn cernals before he dies.

The cremations gonna be lit!

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A whale story

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

How To Win Love

How to win **her** love:


1. Hold doors.
2. Tell her she's beautiful.
3. Make her laugh.
4. Be confident.
5. Treat her like a princess.


How to win **his** love.


1. Swallow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got thrown out of the pharmacy today when all I did was ask the worker, "Do you swallow it or take it up the ass?"

How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do, I've never used a suppository before?!

A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster

What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reali-tea.

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"

"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"

So she does.

"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.

"But the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Your momma so slutty...

...her spirit animal is the swallow.

I always swallow fortune cookies whole.

It gives me something to read on the toilet.

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want a girl who has big tits and swallows

They are my two favorite birds after all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can swallow a rope and make it come out the other end tied.

I shit you knot!

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

A man accidentally swallows a coin

He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

It can be really hard to swallow your pride

But sometimes a lion is just that hungry

NSFW: “Do you spit or swallow?”

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, “Do you spit or swallow?”
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

What's the difference between spit and swallow?

A firm grip on the back of her head.

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is more for the ladies.... But none the less, I had a good laugh.

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a w...

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow...

But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow?

Abandonment.

Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep!

That's what my gastroentomologist told me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two whales are swimming in the ocean...

So two whales are swimming in the ocean when they come upon a small fishing boat. The first whale turns to the second whale and says,
"Hey! We should go tip that boat!"
The second whale agrees so they both swim under one side of the boat and blow out of their blowholes as hard as they can....