UPJOKE
barn swallowgulppasserinedrinksupeat upeuropecliff swallowburyaccepteatdevourchewbirdsip

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

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Why say you swallow cum?

When you can say you sucseed

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

I swallowed two cans of helium today

HeHe

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

I swallowed some food coloring yesterday

The doctor said I'd be fine, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

A toddler was recently hospitalized after swallowing several plastic horses

Doctors now describe his condition as stable.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

reality

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

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Reasons girls should swallow

How the fuck else are they supposed to eat, you idiot?

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

What's the difference between Like, Love, and Showing Off?

Spit, Swallow, Gargling.

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

What did the crow say when he was being swallowed by an snake?

"KAA, KAA!"

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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My jokes are like semen

Sometimes they land and stick

Other times they are hard to swallow

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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

My kid swallowed a torch today...

It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.

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