UPJOKE
bestaycontinuerestpersistabidelingerbidestandleavestay onkeepstickstillkeeping

Remain Jokes

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

The fly remained undecided during the debate.

He was..

On the Pence

The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church

The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'

The gyms must remain open

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Yo mama jokes will always remain a classic.

Yo mama so fat, it takes a substation transformer to power her defibrillator.

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

Joe and Bernie remained friends in their old age.

One day, they were on a park bench and Joe says, "Man, when I was married, I would bang my wife every chance I got." Bernie says, "Yeah, me, too." Joe: "You never had a wife!" Bernie: "Oh, I thought we were talking about yours."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angel: "Mary, you will become pregnant while remaining a virgin."

Mary: "No fucking way?!"

Angel: "Yes the no fucking way."

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability

Stand up for yourself!

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

My glass coffin company "Remains to be Seen" isn't doing very well.

It's an original idea, isn't it?

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

It's the Month of Ramadan and we had remaining dates from last year but we can't use them this year.

They're Outdated.

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

Why can't engines remain government leaders?

Once the first revolution begins there's always thousands more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

Right to remain silent

**The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.**

**I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.**

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

Why did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X?

So the remaining users could spell it.

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I informed all parents that the students will have to remain celebate until they graduate from school

Mr. Dickinson was not happy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

All snakes wishing to remain in Ireland,

please raise your right hands.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!

Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

What do you call it when a volcano that can only remain dormant

Eruptile dysfunction

It remains a puzzle...

...why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

My town’s population has remained constant over the last 30 years.

Whenever a girl gets pregnant, a guy skips town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..

You can guess who killed them.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

Mayweather remains unbeaten

Unlike his ex-girlfriends.

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

I have a pet baguette that remains in it's cage.

It's bread in captivity.

What remained after the cheese factory exploded?

De brie

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

2 cannibals sifting through a funeral pyre looking for any remains.

One of them finds a foot, and asks

" jackpot! do you want some."

"No Thanks"

The other one shouts back

"I'm Blacktoes intolerant"

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

What do you call a nine-sided polygon that wishes to remain anonymous?

anonagon.

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 40-year-old dentist explains to his new girlfriend why he's remained a virgin.

"My dad said there were teeth in there!"

She strips off and says "Look. No teeth."

Shocked, he replies, "No wonder with those gums!"

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

Mom told me this joke long ago, remains my favourite joke to date.

Rory fell down the stairs and broke his leg. He yelled to his friends,”Guys, call me an ambulance!”

So Rory’s friends started dancing around him singing,”Rory is an Ambulance, Rory is an ambulance!”

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

What's Trump's childhood fear that still remains true to this day?

He was always afraid of the dark.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.

Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

A friend of mine lost a hand and a leg in an explosion, remaining with only his right ones.

When I asked him about it he said he was feeling left out.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

The other day I saw a documentary of hyenas eating the remains of a dead lion

I guess they just ate what was lion around.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.