UPJOKE
appearcome outrisecome fortharisecomeseemsurfaceoriginatebecomeissueescapedevelopgrowfall

Emerge Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

What do rich people ride to the emergency room?

An ambulance

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

“911, what’s your emergency “

“I’d like to report a murder.”

“Where are you located sir?”

“At the corner of Main and 4th… oh wait, never mind!”

“Sir! What do you mean? How can you say never mind when you’re trying to report a murder!!! I need to know where to dispatch the police to”

“I’m sorry, but yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

911, whats your emergency?

Operator: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.

Operator: What’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus street.

Operator: Can you spell that out for me?

Man: (long awkward pause)

Operator: Sir? Are you there?
...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex when I got a phone call from my friend saying there was an emergency

I told him I was coming as fast as I could

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A stutterer called an emergency.

Dialog ensues:

Hi emergency here what's your emergency.
Hi-i-i I found a d-d-dead horse at the r-r-r-road. I do-don't want there t-t-to be ac-accidedents.
Can s-s-someone tak-ke it away?
Ok sir what is your location.
At spr-spr-spr-spri-spring...Springside Circle?N-n-No no...

Well, I'm in the emergency room.

I'm not sure how many bones are broken so today is not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding. Something I haven't done in many many years !!!. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fas...

Emergency Parachute Wanted

Any condition, just get here as soon as possi

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane made an emergency landing on water

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - “You tell the Americans this is an ADV...

The town mayor decided to test how competent their emergency services were.

Each service will be sent into the woods to find a rabbit by the end of the day.

First up are the ambulances. They rush into the woods, scoop up the first thing they see, and rush it to the nearest hospital before presenting the mayor with a massive bill for their time.

Then the fire...

Emergency measures

On behalf of the international community, as a humanitarian measure, we demand that President Putin be admitted to art school on an emergency basis.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

911, where is your emergency?

Damn, she gave me the wrong number

They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...

I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!

A doctor examines a patient who just came into the emergency room…

There’s nothing wrong with the man except for scribbles on his feet and a fever. The doctor prescribes paracetamol for the fever, but calls his professor about the rest. “I don’t know what to tell the man.” says the doctor. His professor asks, “Did you read the footnotes?”

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My god. What's the good news?"

The...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck calls emergency services

...and he tells the operator "Hey there, Ah just ran into a pig with my pickup truck and he's all kicking around and squealing and shit".

And the operator says "All right, do you have a gun in your truck?" and the redneck says "Ah sure do" and the operator says "In that case I think you oug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hospital emergency

A man has stuffed 12 plastic horses up his arse...

The doctor came in and said

"Your condition is pretty much stable"I

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There should be an emergency room just for embarrassing injuries so you don't have to feel judged. Just Genitals and Buttholes.

Call it the Pee/Nut/Butt ER

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep a case of beer stashed away in my basement, in case of emergencies.

Better safe than sober.

I accidentally dialed the emergency services from my phone last night

So I set my house on fire so I didn't look stupid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the emergency room and tells the doctor that there’s a cat stuck in his ass

The doctor removes it and sends the man home. A day later he returns to the emergency room with a different cat stuck in his ass. The doctor removes it and sends him home. The next day he walks back into the emergency room with another cat stuck in his ass. At this point the doctor has had enough an...

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

911 Operator: What's your emergency?

Me: This man keeps laughing at me!

Operator: That sounds annoying, but it isn't a crime.

Me: then what hell is manslaughter?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emergency pilot

An aircraft is in flight when all of a sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot. Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened. Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened. S...

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

Plane engine emergency

While on a flight the captain makes an announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 1 and reduced speed. We will be delayed by 1 hour". A few minutes later the captain makes another announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 2 and reduced speed, we will be...

What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?

"911 is an inside job"

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you’re into emergency porn...

“I heard screaming and came as fast as I could!”

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!

911: How do you know he was a painter?

Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

In queso emergency

I pray to cheesus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zookeeper walks bowlegged into the emergency room....

...When the doctor finally sees him he asks "what seems to be the problem?" The zookeeper responds "I got fucked by an elephant doc". The zookeeper dropped his pants and bent over showing his asshole stretched out to the diameter of a hubcap. The doctor cried out in shock and said "I don't understan...

I’m in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.

I’m waiting for someone to see me.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.

“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”

And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation. Last time we did this we got out of the building in 43 seconds.

When the alarm went off today we all ran out, but I accidentally bumped a drill off one of the tables.

The supervisor said “We got 40 seconds so we have beaten our previo...

911, what is your emergency?

Help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!

The ugly one is winning!

What do you call two emergency doctors?

Paramedics.

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Me: I’m so cold

Operator: OMG stay conscious

Me: no the fridge door is open

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the young doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming and yelling. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.

After listening to her story, he calmed her down and asked h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

A patient is being seen by her doctor for an emergency visit...

"Doctor," croaks the patient, barely able to speak, "I'm in terrible pain! I made one of those frozen pizzas, and then ate it before it cooled down. I burned my throat terribly!"

The doctor, skeptical, checks the patient's mouth. He's shocked to see *extensive* burns throughout her mouth, and...

A man is walking in the woods...

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

I wear a stethoscope, so that in the case of a medical emergency,

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So i was masturbating in my room upstairs when someone shouted that there was an emergency...

I came as fast as i could so i could get down there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All divine beings gather for an emergency meeting

The gods take their time, but one by one everyone is in attendance around a long, dark table on a well-lit cloud.

Yahweh is at the head of the table, simply dressed and glowing. Satan sat at the other end, dressed in a casual suit and a trench coat, a cigarette in hand.

**Yahweh:** O...

Emergency landing . . .

At 8PM one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because the interrogators wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and that th...

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet....

When the hospital asks who is to be notified in case of emergency

I always write, “A very good doctor”

Taco emergency ?

Call 9 Jaun Jaun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

- Dog’s 911: What is your emergency?

- Dog: The boy threw me the ball and I can’t find it.
- Dog’s 911: Have you checked he doesn’t have it in his hand?
- Dog: Of course I check...Shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

My diabetic friend had a serious emergency last night.

My bad.

I shouldn't have texted her "Goodnight, sweet dreams" before going to bed yesterday.

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

A priest was called away for an emergency.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What steps would you take in case of a fire emergency?

I was at an emergency training today and got asked the question "What steps would you take in case of a fire emergency?"...

Apparently, "Fucking big ones" is not the right answer.

Emergency Landing:

Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on...

*to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I replaced an emergency stop button at work today.

It was a pressing issue.

Emergency Brake

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, bu...

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.

They called it a "Jury Summons."

During a huge storm, a man's city calls for an emergency evacuation

As his neighbors are driving away, they offer him a seat in their minivan. He says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm."

The flood waters start to rise and the man is standing on his balcony. A family in a fishing boat come by and offer a space on their b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

I now know why Groundhog Day is important.

It's literally an emerge and see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Overheard two doctors in the emergency ward

They were discussing a patient who had arrived with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum.
Described his condition as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

I phoned the incontinence clinic emergency helpline today ...

They asked "where are you ringing from?"
I replied "the waist down".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is taken to the hospital for Emergency surgery.

He wakes up in recovery where the surgeon explains that they were able to successfully remove the giant sex toy from his colon.

“Remove it!?! I just came here to get the batteries changed.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.