Rise Jokes - 71 Hilarious Rise Jokes

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

Are you worried about the rise of artificial intelligence?

No, I'm more worried about the rise of natural stupidity!

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Iron deficiency gang, rise up!

But not too fast.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy

but socially dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin wakes up one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid went to the wife and asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I clean better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you clean better...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

Dementia cases are on the rise

Plus, dementia cases are on the rise.

The South will rise again...

...Because it has nowhere to go but up

As tensions rise in Ukraine

Vladimir is Putin troops in separatist regions, and Joe is Biden his time with imposing sanctions.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

Why should you stay in Ireland if sea levels rise?

Because Cork floats

When does bread rise?

When you yeast expect it!

Wheelchair gang rise up.

Oh wait...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

I got a pay rise in my job.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.

I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an American and an Australian are in a pub...

And the Frenchman says, "When I make love to my wife she’s in such ecstasy her body rises centimetres off the bed."

The American, not to be outdone, replies, "When I have sex with my wife she’s having so much fun she rises inches off the bed."

They both then look at the Australian and ...

Introverts Rise Up!

Separately, in your own homes!

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:

If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?

Say "rise up lights" out loud.

Congratulations, you have just said "razor blades" in Australian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

With gas prices on the rise, I went to the gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas...

The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

The contactless card transaction limit is to rise from £45 to £100

For some, this is the most they’ll have spent with no touching since the strip clubs closed.

What if that kim jong un rises from the dead??

Can we name him Kim jong undo?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it...

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from?

Then it dawned on me.

What should one do to rise and shine every morning?

Eat yeast and shoe polish.

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

Why is Jesus terrible in bed?

Because it takes him 3 days to rise

Endgame was just as bad as The Rise of Skywalker

It undid everything from the previous film!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

The Soviet Union won't ever rise again?

What a bunch of Bolshevik.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

It's always so easy to get a rise out of my mother's French sister.

She's a croissant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wise man once said “When the rise of the machine happens...

Make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory.”

A brief rise in the suicide is related to the Covid pandemic

Murderers are working from home.

AI: Rise and Fall

So a programming team developed true AI capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. They wrote all the code in Scheme They go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. He agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to.

He types:
Hell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the prostitute do to get a pay rise?

Anyone.

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

I was wondering when is the sun gonna rise...

...then it dawned on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the suggested ads I'm seeing online today are for Viagra and it's frustrating and annoying.

I think they're just trying to get a rise out of me.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

Early to bed, early to rise...

... this guy neither has WiFi nor wife.

If Matthew McConaughey was a pastor

All rise, All rise, All rise

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

When pigs fly, the price of bacon will rise.

And so will the pigs.

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

A man writes a story in parts amongst different pages. He starts to lose some of the pages for the Rise of the story; then he starts to lose some of the pages for the Climax of the story…

He’s starting to lose the plot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?

All Rise All Rise All Rise

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

Dyslexic procrastinators, it's time to get together and rise up

Get on your work boots and untie

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.