Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Introverts Rise Up!

Separately, in your own homes!

I was wondering when is the sun gonna rise...

...then it dawned on me

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

Iron deficiency gang rise up

And fall back down

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the prostitute do to get a pay rise?

Anyone.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

Jesus and Mary Magdalene were having difficulties in the bedroom. After the 2nd try, Jesus said...

"Don't worry, it'll rise again".

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The maid went to the wife and asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I clean better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you clean better...

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other: "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says: "Is this some kind of a sick game? That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!" An...

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

I woke up this morning and I forgot in which side the sun rises.

Then it dawned on me.

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.

Bob decides to check out this new bar at the top of a high-rise building.

He goes in at about 2 in the afternoon, and the place is dead. It's just him, the bartender, and one guy sitting at the bar.


Bob sits at the bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, the other patron slams down a shot of tequila, walks over to the balcony and jumps off. He's them magica...

Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight rises.

What happens when the pollution rises in Los Angeles?

UCLA

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project...

Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says, "someone should go and tell his wife."

Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a case of beer...

Beethoven has died...

Local townsmen state that they can here faint music from under his grave.
Intrigued, the local Mortician visits the site to investigate
And yes, faint music rises from the grave! The Mortician retrieves the Priest.
Together they listen, and slowly begin the realize the music playing is Bee...

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

What do you call nitrogen after the sun rises?

Daytrogen.

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

Yet Another Bar Joke

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's h...

Do you know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools?

The supply teachers.

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

I wish I had started a squib company before the rise of action films happened

I'd have made a bloody fortune!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

Alfred

I was at a party when a Chinese guy approaches me and asks “ Have you seen my cocaine?”
I said “ Not since he starred in The Dark Knight Rises!”

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

A lady and I once spent our 9th date seeing the dark knight rises

So to summarise our dating life it was like this, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.

He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.

He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most hig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old duck hunter is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am drinking coffee and watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicke...

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

I got a pay rise in my job.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.

I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

> "Whoops, wrong sub"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud

You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The proud mallard" (more a life lesson than a joke as told by my father)

There was a mallard who was so full of himself that he thought he didn't need to fly south for winter.

Winter comes and of corse, the mallards plan has gone horrible wrong.

He finds himself in a farmers field with no strength .. no will to carry on any further and just when the malla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise

And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender.

"Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.


About an hour later the window ju...

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

​

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

​

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees t...

Dyslexic procrastinators, it's time to get together and rise up

Get on your work boots and untie

Two traders go to the beach.

They lay their beach towels on the sand and while one watches the boats out on the water, the other one decides to take a nap.

After a while, the first one notices the waves come closer and closer to their towels. He says to his friend :

\- Hey... the tide's rising, we should move furt...

Early to bed, early to rise...

... this guy neither has WiFi nor wife.

I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning.

But then it dawned on me.

The Soviet Union won't ever rise again?

What a bunch of Bolshevik.

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drunk Superman

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

...

Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that .

The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"

The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."

10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...

Easter Joke

A Buddhist, Hindu, and atheist die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, "Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the true faith, but the good news is you can still get into heaven if you can correctly answer a question."

He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Ukrainian, American, and Polish guy work on a high rise construction site...

Every day they take lunch on top of the building. Ukrainian guy opens his lunchbox and exclaims: "Fucking borscht again? I swear, if I get another borscht for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"

 

American find a PB&J sandwich in his lunchbox and also exclaims: "I...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Two hunters go out in the woods

One Hunter suddenly falls down. Their chest doesn't rise and fall and their eyes are glazed over. His friend, panicking, calls 9-1-1. He says "Help! I think my friend is dead, he doesn't appear to be breathing!' . The operator says;"okay, calm down. First, you have to make sure he's dead." The hunte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor

He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it"

Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves...

... Clinton and Trump are furious.

A man's house is drowning

The boat tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and big ship tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and helicopter tries to save him, but the man says:

...

Bread is like the sun..

it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

A fire rages in a high-rise apartment in Germany...

and a woman and her baby are stuck on a high floor, looking out the window. The firetruck's ladder cannot reach them, so the woman contemplates throwing the baby down to the firemen but both the mother and the firemen are scared of maybe not catching the baby.

Then, Manuel Neuer, Germany's...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.