Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

Iron deficiency gang rise up!

But not too fast

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

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A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

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My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

So I was told I’d only get a pay rise if my annual review went well...

... boy I went home and gave my bottom the best cleaning it had had for ages.

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

Introverts Rise Up!

Separately, in your own homes!

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

I was wondering when is the sun gonna rise...

...then it dawned on me

Jesus and Mary Magdalene were having difficulties in the bedroom. After the 2nd try, Jesus said...

"Don't worry, it'll rise again".

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What did the prostitute do to get a pay rise?

Anyone.

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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

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The maid went to the wife and asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I clean better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you clean better...

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other: "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says: "Is this some kind of a sick game? That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!" An...

Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks ...

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

I woke up this morning and I forgot in which side the sun rises.

Then it dawned on me.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight rises.

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

Bob decides to check out this new bar at the top of a high-rise building.

He goes in at about 2 in the afternoon, and the place is dead. It's just him, the bartender, and one guy sitting at the bar.


Bob sits at the bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, the other patron slams down a shot of tequila, walks over to the balcony and jumps off. He's them magica...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.

What do you call nitrogen after the sun rises?

Daytrogen.

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project...

Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says, "someone should go and tell his wife."

Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a case of beer...

What happens when the pollution rises in Los Angeles?

UCLA

Yet Another Bar Joke

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's h...

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

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A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

A lady and I once spent our 9th date seeing the dark knight rises

So to summarise our dating life it was like this, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

I got a pay rise in my job.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.

I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.

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An old duck hunter is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am drinking coffee and watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicke...

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A redneck, an Italian, and a Frenchman walk into a bar the other day... NSFW

Conversation quickly becomes a pissing contest and the topic of sex is immediately discussed. While sipping on his Lambrusco, the Italian man says "when I'm through pleasing a beautiful woman, I nibble on her ear... and she rises half a foot off the bed!"

The Frenchman scoffs, takes a sip of ...

I wish I had started a squib company before the rise of action films happened

I'd have made a bloody fortune!

Dyslexic procrastinators, it's time to get together and rise up

Get on your work boots and untie

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud

You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"...

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A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise

And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender.

"Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow...

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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

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A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.


About an hour later the window ju...

Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

> "Whoops, wrong sub"

Early to bed, early to rise...

... this guy neither has WiFi nor wife.

I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning.

But then it dawned on me.

The Soviet Union won't ever rise again?

What a bunch of Bolshevik.

Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

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An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

Beethoven has died...

Local townsmen state that they can here faint music from under his grave.
Intrigued, the local Mortician visits the site to investigate
And yes, faint music rises from the grave! The Mortician retrieves the Priest.
Together they listen, and slowly begin the realize the music playing is Bee...

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

I used to work in a messy munitions and glue factory

I asked for a pay rise, but the management stuck to their guns

Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that .

The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p

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A man goes away from his wife on business...

A man goes away from his wife for work. He has to be gone for 5 days. By the second day the man is super horny so he decides to find a hooker. On this one corner close by he sees this beautiful blonde. Nice ass huge boobs, just the perfect blonde.

He walks up to her and says hey babe how muc...

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves...

... Clinton and Trump are furious.

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A Ukrainian, American, and Polish guy work on a high rise construction site...

Every day they take lunch on top of the building. Ukrainian guy opens his lunchbox and exclaims: "Fucking borscht again? I swear, if I get another borscht for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"

 

American find a PB&J sandwich in his lunchbox and also exclaims: "I...

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator...

Bartender says "Sorry sir, no pets allowed..."

Guy says "But this is a well trained alligator. May i demonstrate first?"

Out of curiosity, "Sure" says the bartender.

The guy picks up his pet alligator, sets it on the bar, and the alligator slowly opens its mouth. The pet owner...

What do you call

What do you call a Sumo fight between two guys with erections?

"Large Hardon Collider"

A fire rages in a high-rise apartment in Germany...

and a woman and her baby are stuck on a high floor, looking out the window. The firetruck's ladder cannot reach them, so the woman contemplates throwing the baby down to the firemen but both the mother and the firemen are scared of maybe not catching the baby.

Then, Manuel Neuer, Germany's...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

Alfred

I was at a party when a Chinese guy approaches me and asks “ Have you seen my cocaine?”
I said “ Not since he starred in The Dark Knight Rises!”

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