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What does America say when the sea level rises?

Oh shit I lost my Keys

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

Iron deficiency gang rise up!

Then take a few moments.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

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If hot air rises...

Why the fuck is it so god damn cold here in Canada?!?

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A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

Introverts Rise Up!

Separately, in your own homes!

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

Jesus and Mary Magdalene were having difficulties in the bedroom. After the 2nd try, Jesus said...

"Don't worry, it'll rise again".

I was wondering when is the sun gonna rise...

...then it dawned on me

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks ...

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The maid went to the wife and asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I clean better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you clean better...

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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

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Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other: "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says: "Is this some kind of a sick game? That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!" An...

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

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What did the prostitute do to get a pay rise?

Anyone.

Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

I woke up this morning and I forgot in which side the sun rises.

Then it dawned on me.

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

Bob decides to check out this new bar at the top of a high-rise building.

He goes in at about 2 in the afternoon, and the place is dead. It's just him, the bartender, and one guy sitting at the bar.


Bob sits at the bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, the other patron slams down a shot of tequila, walks over to the balcony and jumps off. He's them magica...

I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.

What do you call nitrogen after the sun rises?

Daytrogen.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight rises.

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

Yet Another Bar Joke

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's h...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project...

Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says, "someone should go and tell his wife."

Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a case of beer...

What happens when the pollution rises in Los Angeles?

UCLA

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

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A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

I wish I had started a squib company before the rise of action films happened

I'd have made a bloody fortune!

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

What do you say to a pickle in the morning?

Rise and Brine!

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

A lady and I once spent our 9th date seeing the dark knight rises

So to summarise our dating life it was like this, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

I got a pay rise in my job.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.

I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.

Bread is like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

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I dated a girl who only liked to have sex listening to gospel music.

It brought a new meaning to the term "coming to Jesus."

And just when I thought I was done.. I would rise three days later.

What happens when a guy gets a yeast infection?

He can't rise

Dyslexic procrastinators, it's time to get together and rise up

Get on your work boots and untie

Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

> "Whoops, wrong sub"

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An old duck hunter is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am drinking coffee and watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicke...

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud

You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent

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A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise

And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender.

"Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow...

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

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An American Jew immigrates to Israel

He moves into a high-rise apartment in Tel Aviv and gets an office job. After a few days, he starts to feel like he's missing out on all the colour of being in the Middle East, so he goes and buys a camel. Each day he rides the camel to work, while Israelis whiz past him on the highway in their cars...

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A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.


About an hour later the window ju...

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning.

But then it dawned on me.

Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

The Soviet Union won't ever rise again?

What a bunch of Bolshevik.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the fo...

Yeast judge:

All rise

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

Early to bed, early to rise...

... this guy neither has WiFi nor wife.

Dave and Jim are golfing.

Ahead of them are two women. They're not bad, but not playing as fast as the two men, just enjoying the day.

Dave says, "Go up there and ask if we can play through."

Jim climbs a rise to the next tee, then immediately runs back. "I can't talk to them! One of them is my wife and the ...

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An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that .

The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p

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A Ukrainian, American, and Polish guy work on a high rise construction site...

Every day they take lunch on top of the building. Ukrainian guy opens his lunchbox and exclaims: "Fucking borscht again? I swear, if I get another borscht for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"

 

American find a PB&J sandwich in his lunchbox and also exclaims: "I...

Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves...

... Clinton and Trump are furious.

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