Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

What if that kim jong un rises from the dead??

Can we name him Kim jong undo?

What should one do to rise and shine every morning?

Eat yeast and shoe polish.

Low blood iron gang rise up!

Wait, but not too quickly

As an American citizen, I'm proud to say that our Country always strives to overcome difficulties and rise up as the #1 nation in the world...

and today we have proven that we are still very capable of this! We just beat China at their own game and are now #1 across the world for infected individuals with COVID-19!

A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high rise office building.

The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she’s able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time.

The man laughs and says that he’s going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day ...

I told my boss I needed a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me

Boss: "Which ones?"

Me: "Gas, Electric and Water."

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

A brief rise in the suicide is related to the Covid pandemic

Murderers are working from home.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

Voltaire said “To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.”

It’s time we rise up against those kids with leukemia

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

I can't wait for smart devices and AI to rise up against us

It will be a Siri-an rebellion

Say "rise up lights" out loud.

Congratulations, you have just said "razor blades" in Australian.

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

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A wise man once said “When the rise of the machine happens...

Make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory.”

There's a flood. A guy has retreated all the way up to his roof. Another guy, in a boat, comes along.

"Hop in, I'll take you to safety." Says the guy in the boat.

"Nonsense! I have faith in God. He will bring me salvation." replies the guy on the roof.

A few hours later, the same guy returns, this time in a police speedboat

"Get in! The water's rising!" He yells to the guy on hi...

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

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A hearse was driving down the road...

When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.

Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says “Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughi...

What happens when Batman meets Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

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3 men are working on a new high rise building when the lunch bell rings...

The first man opens his lunch and says... "Oh my gosh! Rice and beans? If I get rice and beans for lunch one more time, I’m going to go to the top of this building and jump off!"

The second man opens his lunch and says... "Oh my gosh! Fried rice and chicken? If I get fried rice and chicken f...

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

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Guy in town on business goes to a local bar...

Guy is in town on business and goes to local bar. As he is drinking he starts talking to the attractive woman next to him. They get up and start dancing.

As they are dancing she says “for $10 I can give you and amazing hand job.” He’s interested but replies “how do I know it will be amazing?...

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

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A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

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A tomb raider goes into a pyramid

She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave.

Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave.

He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She ...

Bread is a lot like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom ...

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Couple talking a walk

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. As they walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback ...

Curfew in Soviet Russia

In the 50s, in soviet Moscow a curfew is in place between 9pm and 6am. Two russian soldiers see a man sneaking around in the bushes. One of the soldiers rises his AK and kills the man.

"Alyosha, is only 8:45, why you kill him?"

"No, no Evgeni, i know the man! He live far away, he would...

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”

People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,

find the origi...

THE FLOOD

This one of my all time favorites... can’t remember where I heard it.

There was a religious man who lived by a river. One day a sheriffs deputy came by and said to him, “There’s a flood coming. You want to get to higher ground.” The man replied, “Thank you officer, but I trust in the Lord. HE...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

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The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.

The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"

The next one, Jua...

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

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If hot air rises...

Why the fuck is it so god damn cold here in Canada?!?

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A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

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This is a call to all my fellow inappropriate boner poppers

Rise up

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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The maid went to the wife and asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I clean better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you clean better...

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

What happens when you attach stew to a blimp?

Soup rise!

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My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

A flash flood warning is broadcasted. The streets fill with water, and people begin to evacuate—except for one Catholic woman.

She stays in her home and prays. A bus pulls up to her house, and the driver urges her to get out, but she replies, “No. God will save me.” The bus driver reluctantly pulls away.

Water begins pooling into her house, and she calmly rises to the second floor.

Through the window, she sees...

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Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

Introverts Rise Up!

Separately, in your own homes!

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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

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Stalin wakes up early one morning and walks onto his balcony to watch the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

What were Anakin and Padme watching on their wedding night?

The rise of Skywalker.

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What did the prostitute do to get a pay rise?

Anyone.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

I was wondering when is the sun gonna rise...

...then it dawned on me

The massive Flood

Once there was a flood and a man was trapped in his house.

As the water started to rise a truck came by. "Get in" the man in the truck urged the home owner. "No, No....God will provide for me" he answered.

When the water got too high for trucks a boat came by. "Get in! We will tak...

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

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Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other: "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says: "Is this some kind of a sick game? That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!" An...

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How do we know the sun is a dick?

It rises every morning.

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

Bob decides to check out this new bar at the top of a high-rise building.

He goes in at about 2 in the afternoon, and the place is dead. It's just him, the bartender, and one guy sitting at the bar.


Bob sits at the bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, the other patron slams down a shot of tequila, walks over to the balcony and jumps off. He's them magica...

Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

I woke up this morning and I forgot in which side the sun rises.

Then it dawned on me.

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.

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Three guys are walking down a street ...

A rich man, middle class man and a unemployed man are walking down a very windy street with their wives. A strong gust of wind causes the skirts of the wives to rise up and their husbands notice none of the women were wearing any panties.


The rich man turns to his wife and asks her why s...

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

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