Grow Jokes - 108 Hilarious Grow Jokes

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

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What body part grows ten times its size when stimulated?

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will ...

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How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'

He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

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I wrote a novel about an old man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

What kind of tree does toothpaste grow on?

Toiletries

What sort of facial hair does a soda grow?

A root beard

You can't grow plants...

... if you haven't botany.

Scientists have finally managed to grow human vocal cords in a test tube

The results speak for themselves

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

A sperm asked another sperm what it wants to be when it grows up..

The other sperm answered: I will become.

Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

The population of Ireland's capital is growing exponentially

every year it's Dublin (doubling)

I was told that if I fapped too often, that I’d grow hair on the palms of my hands.

That theory also explains why a lot of women get mustaches when they grow up.

Who grows the best weed in the world?

Saudi Arabia, smoke it once and get stoned twice

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

Why did the chicken grow up religious?

It was pastor raised

Why do so many orphans grow up to become famous?

Well it is called “Go Big or Go Home”

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the same side!

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

which is why I love my father so much.

My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

why do Italian men grow moustaches?

So they can look like their Mother.

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Two guys grow up together

After college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas . They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?" ...

We were so poor growing up my Dad used to sing...

Hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's going to steal you a mockingbird...

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Millennials being the first generation to grow up online should have been called Gen-E

But Forrest Gump ruined it for us

I went to an agricultural university and I specialized in growing beans.

Someday, I hope to start a wind farm.

Why can't vampires ever grow as people?

Because they're incapable of self reflection

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been going up twice a week to shit on it.

A birch tree and a beech tree notice a small tree growing between them.

Birch tree says "Do you think it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

Beech tree responds "I don't know, it's hard to tell from up here"

Suddenly a woodpecker flies by, so the birch tree asks him "Can you go down there and see if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
...

What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?

A poultry.

(came up with that in the shower)

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

And with the cost of living going up at the moment, they're really struggling to put food on the table.

Why shouldn't you grow marijuana in the ground?

Because it's a pot plant.

Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up

Mum: why’s that?

Me: It’s something I can see myself doing

Mum: ...

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

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I know a man who tried to grow...

...dildoes on his land but ended up with problems with squatters.

People in Siberia grow old.

I heard this one story on my visit to Russia, apparently in Siberia, people grow really really old. There was a small village in there where a priest saw a 75-year-old man crying on the Church's stairs. The priest went to ask why he was crying and the man said that his dad had punched him. The pries...

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

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A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

Where did the poor Italian man grow up?

The spaghetto

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Why don’t you grow a pear Dan?

That’s what my wife always says whenever our neighbour Bill comes home drunk at night and pisses on the pine tree in our front yard and I don’t say anything to him.
Finally I told her:
“What good will that do Helen?He’ll just probably piss on the pear too!”

Kid says to mom “when I grow up I wanna be a drummer!”

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

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When I was growing up...

...all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved.

“Why limit yourself?” I told them.

Growing up, this so-called Mandela Effect didn't exist.

Or at least, that's how I remember it.

It's a good thing we grow out of things as we mature...

Baby clothes would look ridiculous on me.

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

What does a square grow when it gets older?

Cubic hair.

Most people want to be bankers when they grow up

But at this rate they are gonna lose interest

There's some green stuff growing on my roof...

Not sure what it is but I'd lichen it to moss

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?

The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

Two trees in the forest one day noticed a seedling that was growing between them.

But the trees were so tall, they couldn’t tell what kind tree it was.

One day a kindly beaver came by, and the two trees asked the beaver if he could tell them what kind of tree was growing between them.

The beaver started nibbling at the seedling and said, “That’s no son of a beech.” ...

Growing up really humbles you.

I always dreamed of a big fancy sports car but now I'm okay with whichever runs me over.

Growing up we were so poor...

Growing up we were so poor my brother and I had to share clothes.

And kids are so mean, at school they used to make fun of me ... especially when it wasn't my turn to wear the pants and underwear

What crop do metalheads grow?

Korn

Still growing?

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."

What does an acorn say when it grows up?

Geometry.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today

Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Based on where it grows, What do you call Red Ferns?

Puppy Trees!!

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Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.

"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.

"A prostitute."

"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

When I was growing up, we were so poor...

We used to leave the front door open all night, hoping a thief would come in and drop something.

Told the Dr I just can’t grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators..

He now has a problem with squatters

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

We were so poor growing up

that for breakfast we had Ordinary K.

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What do you call the fungus that grows on sex toys?

Dildew.

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A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because they have teeth...

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because "They have teeth!" One day when he's older he starts seeing a lovely girl who he begins to fall in love with. Things are going great, but she starts to feel frustrated at his lack of sexual progression with her. F...

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I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft

But most have 4

A girl wants to be a comedian when she grows up.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound...

What was Rob Halfords favorite chore growing up?

Raking the lawn, Raking the lawn!

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

Miss Spencer asked her class what they want to be when they grow up

And little Tommy enthusiastically responded: "I want to be a jackass!"

In shock Miss Spencer asked: "Dear heavens, why would you want to be that?"

"Well," responded Tommy "Whenever I'm walking in the city with my dad he always says 'Look at that jackass driving his Porsche', 'Look at t...

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The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When it came to Johnny he said, “I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I’ll get me a bitch, and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.”

The teacher was lost for...

Alligators can grow up to 15 metres...

The joke doesn’t work with the metric system...

What's the difference between growing up and becoming a parent?

Growing up is realizing alcohol is not neccessary to have a good time.

Becoming a parent is realizing having a good time is not neccessary for needing alcohol.

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Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife...

Growing up I was so poor….

…if i hadn’t been a boy, I would have had nothing to play with.

Why did the Republic grow distrustful of Master Yoda’s position as Grand Master?

Because he turned out to be a puppet

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