“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

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I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?

Because he was vaccinated

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

On what kind of tree do fingers grow on?

On a palm tree

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Answer: Ireland’s.

Every year it’s Dublin.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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Anyone can grow up to become President

I used to think this was just some bullshit my father told me for inspiration. Now I realize it was more of a warning.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

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As a zoomer growing up in this generation. I'm so fucked

And I'll still die a virgin

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

what do you call the kid from avatar when he grows old?

Boomerang

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

I was my parents' least favorite child growing up.

I could tell, because I was the only one who didn't get molested.
@ErikJMoyer

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

If my daughter grows up to be a nun..

Will I call her "daughter" or "sister"??

While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

I went to the doctors as I had a strawberry growing out of my ear.

He put some cream on it.

When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody laughed when she said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody is laughing now

How do you grow vegetables?

Incest

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If that's the case, then my dad must really miss me.

Our family was so poor when I was growing up

If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with

Growing up my mom sacrificed at lot for me..

It was mostly goats and sheep....

Some mistakes can grow to be big problems

That's how my parents feel about me

When i was growing up, we weren't allowed to read the book "Ivanhoe" in catholic schools

Apparently there was too much saxon violence

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

When I was a kid I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a drummer

And she said "Well honey, you can't do both"

Fat jokes never grow old

Sorry, I meant "fat people".

When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

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(NSFW) Growing up I was told that masturbation couldn't give diseases

But I guess that's not true because my computer shut down from viruses.

My friends told me that kids always grow up someday

So I decided to prove them wrong by not vaccinating them

Why do mountains grow so big?

They have no natural predators.

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We had the ‘swear jar’ in our home when I was growing up.

When I pissed off my mother, she would throw $20 in the jar and then beat the shit out of me.

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A father asks his 13year-old son what does he want to be when he grows up.

His son says "A pizza delivery guy or a plumber."



The dad says "Stop watching so much porn, son."

What type of Apple's grow on trees ?

All of them

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be whatever I want when I grow up.

I asked my mom, "So why did you want to be poor?"

She answered, "Because your dad wanted to be an art teacher."

My dad replied, "And your mom wanted a good grade."

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

My dad told me growing up to never joke about small people

Because they are always below the belt

Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet

But most of them only have 4!



How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them sees you later, the other sees you after a while!

A woman loses her son Eddy in a Walmart one day

She looks everywhere for him but doesn't find him. Mom loses hope and years go by. Eddy is adopted by another family and they decide they like the name Terry. So Terry grows up and one day is shopping at the same Walmart where he was lost, and passes a woman who stares at him oddly. She looks at him...

Growing up, the family next door were all giants.

I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

Three elderly women were discussing the problems of growing old.

One said: "Sometimes I find myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise and I can't remember if I'm putting it away or making a sandwich."
Another said: "And I can trip on the stairs and not remember if I was walking up or down."
"Oh well I don't have those sort of problems, t...

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A 10 year old girl asked her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. S...

Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

After his last appointment, my son complained about how his hair looked. I told him it'll grow on him.

His oncologist, on the other hand, is not as optimistic.

When I was growing up I was told to open doors for women

But when I did she screamed and flew out of the airplane.

Most people don't know where peanuts grow

It's totally underground

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

What’s the difference between dirt and miracle grow?

Not mulch

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Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

People who buy turf for their yards don’t have the patience to grow their own

They want instant grassification

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

What does Ariana Grande want to be when she grows up?

Ariana Venti

\*Thanks to my dad for this one

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

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A nun asks a class of teenage girls what they want to be when they grow up. An anxious girl stands straight up and proudly exclaims that she wants to be a prostitute.

The nun promptly fainted.

After the other sisters help the nun back to her feet, the nun asks, “What did you say?!?”.

With a bright smile smeared across her face, the girl replied, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”.

The nun breathed an enormous sigh...”OH, THANK GOD! ...

Some men can grow up to 8 feet

But most only have 2.

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

Why did the farmer start growing wheat?

Because he was tired of Hall and Oats.

(Joke from brother while watching Stranger Things and hearing 80s music hits.)

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I had a treehouse in my backyard growing up, and I even lost my virginity in it.

Sadly it burned down when I was 10

A bit concerned...

The boss wondered why an employee was absent but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. *"Hello?"*

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

*"Yes,"* whispered the small voice.

May I talk w...

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

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Mosses must have the most fucked up childhood.

They only grow up in shady areas.

I got a new haircut recently

It's growing on me.

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and ha...

Bananas and avocados grow old together. I ship them.

Explanation: Many companies ship pre-ripe avocados with bananas, which release chemicals that ripen avocados on their way to the store. (This is so the avocados are freshly ripe when they get to the store, not when picked) (grow old = ripen)

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up

I said " I want to be an astronaut like the great Neil Armstrong, but instead of going to the moon I'm going to the sun!"

My father called me a dumbass, he told me the sun was too hot and nobody can go to the sun because they will die.

I told him " You're the dumbass pops! I'm going ...

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

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Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

Welcome to Italy

Where men grow moustaches so they can look like their mothers.

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

Alligators can grow up to 15 metres...

The joke doesn’t work with the metric system...

Growing up I was told I can be anyone I want to be

I've just been charged with identity theft.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.

Being homeschooled sucks.

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