UPJOKE
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My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

Kid says to mom “when I grow up I wanna be a drummer!”

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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Girls are shaving their pussy these days and hipsters are growing beards

So the amount of hair in society is still the same...just on different cunts.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

Based on where it grows, What do you call Red Ferns?

Puppy Trees!!

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I ...

My friend ask me,"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.
My friend says "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

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a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

Why can't vampires ever grow as people?

Because they're incapable of self reflection

What's the difference between growing up and becoming a parent?

Growing up is realizing alcohol is not neccessary to have a good time.

Becoming a parent is realizing having a good time is not neccessary for needing alcohol.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

I found out today that some alligators grow up to 15 feet!

Most of them only have 4 though

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Why don’t you grow a pear Dan?

That’s what my wife always says whenever our neighbour Bill comes home drunk at night and pisses on the pine tree in our front yard and I don’t say anything to him.
Finally I told her:
“What good will that do Helen?He’ll just probably piss on the pear too!”

Most people want to be bankers when they grow up

But at this rate they are gonna lose interest

Why did the Republic grow distrustful of Master Yoda’s position as Grand Master?

Because he turned out to be a puppet

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

What does a square grow when it gets older?

Cubic hair.

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been shitting on it twice a week.

My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, its growing on me

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year...

Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rud...

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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My son told me that he wanted to be Batman when he grows up.

The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.

Growing up really humbles you.

I always dreamed of a big fancy sports car but now I'm okay with whichever runs me over.

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

What was Rob Halfords favorite chore growing up?

Raking the lawn, Raking the lawn!

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

I take my kids to Church every Sunday so they can grow up to be…

Atheists

Miss Spencer asked her class what they want to be when they grow up

And little Tommy enthusiastically responded: "I want to be a jackass!"

In shock Miss Spencer asked: "Dear heavens, why would you want to be that?"

"Well," responded Tommy "Whenever I'm walking in the city with my dad he always says 'Look at that jackass driving his Porsche', 'Look at t...

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

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What do you call the hair we grow on our butts?

Asstroturf.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

What’s the Fastest Growing City on Earth?

The capital of Ireland.

It’s Dublin every day.

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

**Doctor:** " Sounds like a really bad case of *parking sons disease* "

When I was growing up, we were so poor...

We used to leave the front door open all night, hoping a thief would come in and drop something.

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

Growing up we were so poor...

Growing up we were so poor my brother and I had to share clothes.

And kids are so mean, at school they used to make fun of me ... especially when it wasn't my turn to wear the pants and underwear

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

Not the nursery rhyme you learned growing up- Old mother Hubbard

..went to the cupboard to fetch old Rover a bone,
when she bent over, Rover took over,
gave her a bone of his own!

I was so poor growing up and our house was so small that.

you could throw one rock through our front window and hit everyone in the house

I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..



..two of them turn into adult knees.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

People in Siberia grow old.

I heard this one story on my visit to Russia, apparently in Siberia, people grow really really old. There was a small village in there where a priest saw a 75-year-old man crying on the Church's stairs. The priest went to ask why he was crying and the man said that his dad had punched him. The pries...

Why do Italian men grow a mustache ?

So they can look like their mother.

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

I have a strawberry growing out of my ear...

I went to see my doctor about it, and he told me to put some cream on it.

Two tall trees - a birch and beech - are growing in the woods.



A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son ...

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

What do you call a chameleon who cant grow his tail back?

ereptile dysfunction

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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Before I started hormones I wasn't fussed about having boobs

But now they're growing on me

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

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Growing up, if I wanted to see woman's underwear in the Sears catalog, I did it at a buddy's house

because my asshole brother kept gluing the pages togeather in ours.

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

I am very upset with my mom. When I was growing up she told me, "You can be whoever you want to be."

That's not true. Turns out Identity Theft is a crime!

How much space do you need to grow your own vegetables?

Allotment.

We were so poor when I was growing up

If I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

I for one can't wait to grow old and saggy

Then, maybe then, I can finally ride my bicycle without crushing my balls!

What is it called when you grow a tree?

A-grow-culture

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

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Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

What's something that grows on trees and every Amazon driver has one?

A pecan.

When I was growing up there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

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The Taliban are banning opium and will be growing olives instead.

For the extra virgin.

They think there's a workers shortage now?

Wait until the kids we can't afford to have don't grow up.

I think there's something wrong with this cactus I am growing.

I just can't put my finger on it.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

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NSFW Growing up, I could never tell where my dick ended and my balls began...

But now I know there's a vas deferens between the two.

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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What does captain Picard say to Initiate sex?

Make it grow

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?

A Prograsstinator

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

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A science teacher asks her class of sixth graders, “students, what is a part of the body that when stimulated can grow ten times its size?”

Tattletale Susan gets angry in the back and yells, “teacher, that’s a dirty question! You can’t be asking questions like that! I’m gonna have my parents tell the principal and we’re gonna get you fired!”

The teacher ignores her and repeats the question, “alright class, what is a part of the b...

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.

While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.

I've decided to buck the trend of Movember this year by not growing a moustache.

I'm calling it No-Movember.

Or for short, November.

[Original] Which country has the 2nd fastest growing capital?

Ireland, it's Dublin and Dublin every year. But which country has the fastest growing capital?





Libya, it's Tripoli every year.

I told my mom that when I grow up, I want to be a musician.

She said “don’t be silly, you know you can’t do both!”

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

6-year-old Little Johnny is at the psychologist

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the psychologist.

"A doctor, a painter, or a window cleaner," says the child.

"Well, it's not quite clear to me."

"Of course it is! I want to see naked women, that's all!"

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

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What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

they grow taller....

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

Told the Dr I just can’t grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

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I'm writing a novel about a guy who grows younger every time he ejaculates.

It's a coming of age story.

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Two economists are walking in the woods

Two economists are walking in the woods.

Suddenly, one notices a pile of bear shit next to the path. He says to the second one, "hey I'll give you a 100€ if you eat that pile of shit".

The second economist, being a rational decision maker eats it and gets a 100€. But he had a weird fe...

What’s the difference between the people who complain about the jokes here and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog growing out of his head. "My god!" Says the doctor "How did that happen?"

"It all started with a pimple on my bum." replies the frog.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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Black.

A white man in his thirties decides he has put on too much weight during lockdown so he joins the local gym, he arrives for his first session, only to find that the rest of the group are big, muscular black guys, after a bit of gentle ribbing, they show him how to use the equipment and help him comp...

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

Mrs. Patel was reading little Rajinder a bedtime story. He asked, "what will I be when I grow up?" She replied, "you can be anything you want to be."

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a cardiologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, neurologist...."

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

A farmer wanted to start growing mushrooms

But he didn't have any spores or enough space to grow them, so unfortunately he wasn't able to. He just didn't have mushroom.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

When I was growing up in South Dakota we would go out and catch rabbits to give to the local brewery in exchange for cash.

Apparently they used them for the hops.

My friend on his 27th birthday said, "I don't want to grow up anymore."

So I killed him.

Why couldn't Pinocchio's nose ever grow to be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them.

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th...

What kind of tree grows when you plant an acorn in the snow?

A burrrrrrr oak

A couple were at their wit's end with their two sons...

So they sent for a fire and brimstone preacher who they had heard had success in correcting the behavior of naughty children. He came into their house on a dark, stormy night, dressed in black in a long coat, still dripping with rain. He brought the youngest into a room and shut the door, then turne...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

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The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When it came to Johnny he said, “I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I’ll get me a bitch, and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.”

The teacher was lost for...

I was with my mom at the store and I picked up a packet of baby spinach and rockets.

I turn to her and say "Hey, Ma, you ever wonder why they're called rockets?"

She looks at me and says "Why?"

And then I say, "Because they grow in *shoots*!"

Dear Math,

grow up and solve your own problems.

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