Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

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One morning a man wakes up to find a large lump growing out of his forehead.

Concerned, he goes to the doctor who runs a bunch of tests.

The doctor then tells him he has a penis growing out of his forehead, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

The man says, "So you're telling I'm going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and see a cock stick...

What should you name your kid if you want them to be a good news reporter when they grow up?

Justin

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

How many apples grow on trees?

All of them

Still growing?

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?

To get root access.

My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods....

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

How much room does fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

What does a rolling stone grow into ?

A punk rock

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

When I was younger, I used to hate eating mushrooms, but now I think they’re growing on me...

...and I can’t get them off

Giraffes can grow up to fourteen feet

But normally they have only four

Growing up I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian and they laughed at me

Well now I am one they’re not laughing anymore!

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A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina

She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave.

The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?"

The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds.

Growing more disturb...

I had a rare condition growing up where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day.

Thankfully my brother told me, I could have died.

Why did Peter Pan never grow up?

Because how can you grow a Pixar film?

What’s a radical Muslim’s favorite showing growing up?

Rocket power

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When I was growing up I accidentally walked in on my parents having sex

That was the most awkward 30 minutes of my life

Why are farmers growing corn?

Don't they know they can just buy it at the grocery store!

When I was growing up, my parents would tell me, "The sky is the limit"

They weren't supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

What kind of apple grows on a tree?

All of them...


I’m very bored.

Mommy mommy I wanna grow up to be a conspiracy theorist!

Prove it

Pretty soon we are going to grow fond of being trapped in our own homes, worrying about having enough supplies....

We are going to develop stock home syndrome.

“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

halloween, the one day a year money really does grow on trees

while in the age of covid-19 at least

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

My son wants to be a plumber when he grows up.

I told him that's a pipe dream.

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.

The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.

“Are you in a sexual relationship?”

“Yes doc. With my boyfriend.”

“Tell m...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?

Because he was vaccinated

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

My 6 year old son told me he wants to be tied very tightly to stars when he grows up

I asked why??


He said wants to be an Astronaut.

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I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

One of my friend, an introvert is amazingly cool person. You give him time and will start to grow on you....

He really is a fungi.

Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners...

But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist.

what happens to a potato after the plot of soil it is growing in quadruples in value?

it becomes an affluent-tato

My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.

I fulfilled my promise.

She’s dead and berried.

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

My parents always tell me that money doesn't grow on trees.

So then why do banks have branches?

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Timmy is sitting in class one day when the teacher asks

Teacher - Timmy what do you want to be when you grow up?

Timmy - Either a train driver or a gynocologist.

Teacher - Thats two very different types of job why have you chosen them?

Timmy - I don't know miss, I guess I...

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Growing up my mom was worried I get into sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

At least she got the drugs and rock and roll part right.

Growing Up

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

I was so poor growing up...

if I didn't wake up with a hard on, I had nothing to play with all day.

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

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I used to watch movies with my friend when we’re growing up.

One thing I don’t really get is how he used to adore who I hate. Johnny in The Karate Kid, Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter, Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. They are the definition of a bully.

He just came out last week. No wonder he likes assholes, he’s gay.

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

What does the promiscuous farmer’s wife grow best?

Her Peas


Credit to my husband

It was difficult growing up with a mother that was a professional dominatrix.

Every time I got in trouble she would spank me, and then charge me $200.

What kind of tree do fingers grow on?

A palm tree.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

Growing up my Dad told me to never go to strip clubs. He said they are raunchy and I will see things I can't unsee that will haunt me for life.

At 18, I went to a strip club anyway and he was right. I saw my Dad in there.

Growing up, my teacher wouldn't let me bring my MP3 to school

So I brought my MP5 instead

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

HER: kids grow up so fast these days

**ME:** I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers.

**HER:** exactly!

**ME:** she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If that's the case, then my dad must really miss me.

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

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Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconcepti...

Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Answer: Ireland’s.

Every year it’s Dublin.

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Anyone can grow up to become President

I used to think this was just some bullshit my father told me for inspiration. Now I realize it was more of a warning.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

I heard the population of Ireland is growing really quickly.

I swear it's Dublin every day

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

what do you call the kid from avatar when he grows old?

Boomerang

How do you grow vegetables?

Incest

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

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A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

If my daughter grows up to be a nun..

Will I call her "daughter" or "sister"??

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

When I was a kid I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a drummer

And she said "Well honey, you can't do both"

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

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Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

I didn’t like my hair yesterday

but now it’s kinda growing on me.

Some mistakes can grow to be big problems

That's how my parents feel about me

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

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As a zoomer growing up in this generation. I'm so fucked

And I'll still die a virgin

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

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A father asks his 13year-old son what does he want to be when he grows up.

His son says "A pizza delivery guy or a plumber."



The dad says "Stop watching so much porn, son."

If you pour water to water

It grows

Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet

But most of them only have 4!



How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them sees you later, the other sees you after a while!

I went to the doctors as I had a strawberry growing out of my ear.

He put some cream on it.

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

Have you met the charismatic fungus on my feet?

He really grows on you.

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