Why can’t Iron man wear Spiderman’s suit?

He’s dead

A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit

The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”

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A cheap suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like thi...

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor.

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.

What do you call Iron-man when he can't take his suit off?

Tony Stuck

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in th...

A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.

But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can. The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush so he follows his instructions. The man hovers over him and quickly ties the bow tie. The boy sits up...

"I built a new life support suit that allows me to not have to be entirely confined to a helmet and full body outfit."

\~ Darth Innovader

What kind of athletic garments do knights wear beneath their suits?

Under Armour

I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits...

He was a small arms dealer.

This travelling to different countries to watch Suits is getting real expensive!

Netflix US.

What does a lawyer wear to court?

A lawsuit.

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit.

She’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings

you know she's a keeper.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)

I never saw a version here that correctly attributed this to him.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.<...

How much does a furry suit cost?

Your dignity

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator as a gentleman in a suit gets on.

The gentleman gets off and the brunette notices he has a dandruff problem. She says to the blonde, “someone should give that man Head & Shoulders!”
The blonde says, “how do you give shoulders?”

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I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

Some guy is looking for a job.....

.….so he checks the zoo which is the only place left. Desperately, he asks the zookeeper "Sir, are there any job openings available? I'll do anything." So the zookeeper says "Well, our gorilla just died, so we need somebody to put on this gorilla suit until we can finally get a real gorilla to repla...

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

A man in a business suit walks into a bar during normal working hours

He yells "Barkeep! I'll have a shot and a beer"

Bartender pours his drinks and slides them over to the man.

The man pounds the shot and takes a sip of his beer. He smiles at the barkeeper and says, "That's certainly refreshing after the day I've had"

The Bartender replies, "I wa...

Suit sales.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that ...

As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . .

but it didn't stand up in court.

What do you call a magician wearing a rainbow colored suit?

Hue-dini

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

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What do you call a black man in a space suit?

An astronaut, you fucking racist

As a social experiment, I wore a fat suit for 1 month.

It was a test to see what it was like to be your mom.

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I actually find one piece bathing suit to be more sexy.

Doesn't matter if you keep the top or the bottom.

I heard Darth Vader's suit was really expensive.

It must have cost him an arm and a leg.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike?

Attire.

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What do you say to a black man in a 3 piece suit?

Will the defendant please rise?

What do you call a man from Sydney in a suit in the middle of the desert?

A lostralian.

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

A robber held a man in a suit at gunpoint

"Give me your money," demands the robber
The affluent man replies, "You can't do this! I'm a US Congressman!"
The robber shouts, "In that case, give me **MY** money!"

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A girls goes to the doctor

a girl goes to the doctor and says:

"Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is"

The doctor says:

"Do you smoke?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Quit smoking and returns next week"

The following week the girl returns:

"The point ha...

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

What did T'Challa ask Tony Stark about his suit?

Wakanda suit do?

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

What do Iron Man's suit and the small bus have in common?

They both transport Downey jr.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.


He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"


But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.


When s...

Did you hear the story about skin-toned bathing suits?

It was fake nudes.

I had an idea for a suit made entirely of banana skins...

but no one seemed to find it very appealing.

I threw my dog a stick and he brought me back a suit.

It was quite fetching.

What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit?

FeDora

I'll see myself out.

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I put on a full suit to check my grades

I wanted to look my best at my funeral

While on trial, the defendant shows up alone in a suit of armor. The judge is perplexed.

The judge, curious as to what the hell the defendant is doing, asks him why he's wearing the suit of armor.

The defendant announces,

"Your honor, I wish to defend myself!"

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

What's the best pattern for a banker's suit?

Checks!

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

What kind of suit does a lawyer like best?

The Spanish Inquisition.

Woman: "I'm a sucker for a man in a suit and tie."

Man: "You had me at 'I'm a sucker'."

I walked outside my house wearing my Saran Wrap suit,

my neighbor said "I always knew you were crazy, but now I can clearly see your nuts!"

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

I was going through my wardrobe, trying to select a suit for my grandmother's funeral.

I said, "What shall I wear?"

"I don't really care," said my mum. "As long as you don't you stick out."

It's not easy being a necrophiliac.

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

What is space like without a space suit?

Breathtaking

A man stranded on a deserted island sits looking out over the ocean as he has done every day for the last 7 years...

Always the same view. Today however he spots something among the waves. Rubbing his eyes in disbelief he realizes it's a person swimming towards shore. He jumps to his feet and begins running down towards the beach. Is he going crazy? Is this real? It's been so long since he has seen another human. ...

Wore an orange suit for the first time today...

I stand by my convictions.

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The new suit

There is a man who is afflicted with the most terrible excruciating headaches, every minute of every day for the last 15 years of his life. he goes from doctor to doctor but none can diagnose his condition or provide any lasting treatment. but he doesnt give up hope and one day finally comes across ...

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Gave a random guy in a suit a ride to his job

He has a chest with him so my friend asked him what he had in his box and he told me friend "it's none of your fucken business" then I asked him the same question and he said "just like I told your fucken friend that it's none of your fucken business. I pulled over and kicked his ass out of my car ...

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