My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Which vehicle is a transformer?

Cargo ship.

Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator?

I finally understand what they mean by ***"robots in these guys"***

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

Yo mama jokes will always remain a classic.

Yo mama so fat, it takes a substation transformer to power her defibrillator.

What do you call flying transformers?

Robots in the skies!

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

If Transformers are cars and cars are Transformers.

Aren't we giving Bumblebee a handjob everytime we shift gears.

What would RoboCop be called if he was a Transformer?

Stoptimus Crime

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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A young man joins the Army.

A brave young man during WW2 decides he is going to join Army and show his father he is ready to be a man.
The father who was a veteran himself, and thought this is exactly what his son would need.
His son was always small, scared, and afraid of hard work.

“About time you finally deci...

What do you call a Transformer that turns into a stroller?

Optimus Pram.

What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days?

Amazon prime

Just got back from the Transformers convention

and boy are my arms tires.

If your superpower is to shapeshift, do not transform into an Indian garment

Or you'll be Sari

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what do you call a transformer with an extremely large penis?

Megashlong

My girlfriend threatens to leave me if I don't stop refrencing Transformers..

I guess I'll just roll out

Have you heard of the upcoming movie where a time traveller gets transformed into a chicken?

It's called Bawk to the Future.

Where does a transformer get his glasses from?

Optometrist Prime

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A man working on an imaginary high voltage transformer was found dead in his home.

He had apparently received a fatal shock from the fictitious device.

Investigators who later examined it concluded that this was because it was not grounded in reality.

Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.

A lycanthrope transforms in front of his friend for the first time.

A lycanthrope transforms in front of his friend for the first time.

His friend says "oh my god, you just turned into a wolf!"

He replies: "yes. I am a were."

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer.

I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.

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I read that having sex every day for a year could transform your marriage.

It worked so well I’m thinking of suggesting it to my wife.

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Ambulances are the original Transformers

because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses.

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3 men are standing on a cliff near the ocean.

Suddenly, a genie appears and says: "I can turn you into anything you want, if you jump off this cliff. Just say what you want to transform into after jumping, and I will work my magic."

The first man jumps, and shouts:

"Seagull!"

He then transforms into a seagull, and flies awa...

An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.

He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.

**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."

**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."

(The next day, after the procedure...)

**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
<...

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

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What do you get when Wonder Woman has sex with a transformer?

Amazon Prime

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.

Guy: I'm writing "Transformers": a crossover fanfic where Othello encounters Sauron...

Other guy: "why's it called "Transformers"?"

Guy: Moor then meets The Eye

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

Which transformer fell down the stairs?

Stumblebee.

My wife asked me why I carried a gun around the house…

I said “Transformers “

She laughed…

The toaster laughed…

Transformers

Last night at midnight, my wife came downstairs into the kitchen where I was noisily going through the cupboards with one hand while in the other was my semi automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing" she demanded.
I glanced up at her and answered "Looking for Decepticons."
There was a...

What is a millennial rapper’s favorite Transformer?

Mumblebee

When you suddenly get the feeling all of your Amazon wishlist items are in stock

You transform into Optimist Prime.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

2 Transformers got married

Soon thereafter, they had a baby Transformer. But at that moment when they had a baby, they suddenly could not be seen anymore.

They had become Transparents.

I was talking to Bumblebee the Transformer the other day...

I didn't realize he was such a car guy

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

Transformers: More than meets the eye.

Trans-formers: your mom's now a guy.

What transformer loves to paint?

Optimus Primer

What do you call a transformer that believes things will work out fine?

Optimist Prime.

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

Why shouldn't you take the Fourier transform of a square pulse while on a boat?

Because you don't wanna sinc!

What do you call a Transformer that engages in illegal activities?

Optimus *Crime*.

When Transformers was filmed in Detroit

Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

Poor women

An elderly woman was cleaning out her attic one day. She come across an old lamp that she hadn't seen before. Start cleaning it to see what it is.
A genie pops out and says for setting me free I'm going to Grant you three wishes.
The woman thought about it for a while and said I have made my d...

What happened to the Transformer that ate poorly prepared food?

It came down with Autobotulism.

I feel like I got a bad deal on my dwarf transformation surgery...

I was definitely short-changed.

Name an X-Man that is also a Transformer

Bruce Jenner

Who is the most popular Transformer in America?

Caitlyn Jenner.

What do you call a Transformer who always sees the glass as half full?

Optimist Prime

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

What do you call transformer's father and mother?

Transparent

What do you call a Mongol holding a Transformer?

A Decepti-Khan

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

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Why aren't there any baby Transformers?

Because Auto-Bots pull out!

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the ange...

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The Horny Hare and The Bear

In a forest a deer is drowning, the Hare and the Bear jump into the lake and save the deer. The deer transforms into a fairy and gives both three wishes.

The Hare, who is a womanizer, wishes that all hares in the forest are female. The Hare begins to screw its way through the forest.
...

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

Did you hear about the mathematician that renovated his entry way?

He did a foyer transform

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

A Transformer Baby!

Few Kids and a pregnant lady was standing at Bus stop..

kid: "What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

A girl I liked was giving me mixed signals

So I calculated Fourier transform.

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