There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

I thought about posting a joke about salt

but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?...

...

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Mr. Salt tell Mrs. Pepper before they had sex?

Hold on, let me get some condomints.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man touches the salt croissants in the bakery...

\-Who wrote all this bullshit!?

My Nan used to say “Take everything with a pinch of salt”.

Lovely lady, made terrible cook though...

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

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Freudian slips

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You God damn bitc...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

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A picket to Tittsburgh

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the coun...

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

What happened to Iron man when he wanted some salt?

He got a divorce form his wife Pepper.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

If ponies like salt licks what do pirate ponies like?

G’Arrlics!

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Why did Pepper go to prison?

A-SALT



I made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it.

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband....

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

Me: Honey, can you please pass the salt?

My wife: Sure


My 5 year old son: Dad, why aren't you
eating that salt with your nose like you did yesterday?

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A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?

He was a salted

Did you hear about the man who got arrested for sodium chloride?

That's a salt.

Feeling dumb or did something stupid? Don't call the Salt Masseuse...

She'll just rub it in.

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?

An a-salt rifle

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

what did the grain of salt say to the doctor?

Doc I think I tore NACL

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

So a sodium molecule hits a chlorine molecule

It was a salt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get kosher salt?

you mix a hasidic jew and a halkaline jew

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.

Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.

Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.

Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.

Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

I periodically see my doctor and our conversations go like this...

Doc: your diet isn't great. Don't you think you should try to easy off on the salt?

Me: Na

Doc: you really should. You might develop respiratory issues and have trouble breathing.

Me: O

Doc: and try eating more fruits. They'll give you more vitamins and minerals

Me...

Why did Garry Kasparov took an hour to pass the salt?

Because the table cloth was checked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flour, salt, and butter go to a dance.

Butter sees flour and salt dancing in the corner.

He walks over to them and asks, "can I cut in?"

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

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Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

I was gonna tell you a joke about sodium.

But you’ll only take it for half a grain of salt.

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

Loose load

a trucker in Newfoundland stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the s...

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2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says “have you ever said something wrong by mistake”, Guy 2 says “like what?”

Guy 1 says “well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE breasts. I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh”

Guy 2 says “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

More salt?

Na.

I had dinner with Garry Kasparov at a restaurant with a checked tablecloth...

I asked him to pass the salt, & it took 3 1/2 hours

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Sea salt makes everything taste better.

Except when you’re drowning.

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A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have to get better at cooking or I’m gonna call the food police.

For a salt and buttery

I inherited hypertension from my granny.

She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

Unhealthy food

So the guy goes to the doctor, says he doesn't feel all to good. The doc poked him a bit, measured his pulse and stuff, and finally gave him a questionnaire about his diet.

So he reads about his last week's menu.
- Red meat? You can't have that much red meat! You know how much saturated f...

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