UPJOKE
sodium chloridesea saltsulfatechlorinetable saltsodiumpeppersaltyspicephosphatelactatecanningcookerycookingpreparation

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze.

(Roughly translated from a recent issue of *Acadie Nouvelle*)

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

The oceans are comprised of minimally-carbonated salt water.

Therefore, the Earth is flat.

What do you have if you have NaCl and NiCd?

A salt and battery.

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

I bought the 250 million year old pink Himalayan salt

Behind the package, on the label, it says that it expires in December 2022

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?

To keep the spirits from escaping.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Salt: So nice to see you. Paprika: How do you do?

Nutmeg: 'Sup.

Garlic: Yo!

Pepper: HI!

Oregano: Hola.

Seasons' Greetings everyone

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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Freudian slip

Two dudes were discussing psychology and Freudian slips.

The first dude said, “ I went shoe shopping the other day. The lady who was helping me had a huge rack. Her tiny blouse was revealing. When she asked me what I was looking for I told her a pair of boobs. I was embarrassed becaus...

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park.

One was a salted.

What do you call a firearm made out of salt?

A salt rifle.

I thought about posting a joke about salt

but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.

I got knocked off my bike by a salt spreading truck last winter.

"You IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth.

What do you call a molecule of sodium carrying a gun?

A salt with a deadly weapon

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

I have an idea for a sitcom about a salt water fish and fresh water fish that start a family.

It’s called “Brackish”.

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

I had a joke about salt I was going to tell....

Then decided, Na I'm good.

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Guy walks up to a bartender

And points at a cup about 10 feet away sitting on the bar. Man says, “I’ll bet you $300 I can piss in that cup and not get a drop anywhere else.” Bartender thinks on it for a second and he responds, “you’re on.”

So the guy stands up on the bar, gets ready, and pisses everywhere. He hits the d...

What did the lab assistant say when his food was bland?

"Can I get some Mohr salt please?"

Seriously

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips, and even that I take with a pinch of salt

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

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What did Mr. Salt tell Mrs. Pepper before they had sex?

Hold on, let me get some condomints.

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

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Dill Bread Recipe

This old recipe was handed down to us from Aunt Gladys. The secret is her great dill dough. All the ladies in the Church Choir always rave about Aunt Gladys great dill dough.

Ingredients
1 package (1/4 ounce) active dry yeast ...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

fish and chips jokes

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

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Did you hear about the fight outside the local fish and chips shop?

The fish got battered.

Trying to teach English is very frustrating

I mean how hard is it to understand that "I peppered salt on my baked fries and boneless ribs?"

A fashion designer was interviewing a cannibal...

"So what do you think would best complement a person?"
"Salt and pepper."

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

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A blind man touches the salt croissants in the bakery...

\-Who wrote all this bullshit!?

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

If ponies like salt licks what do pirate ponies like?

G’Arrlics!

What happened to Iron man when he wanted some salt?

He got a divorce form his wife Pepper.

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

Feeling dumb or did something stupid? Don't call the Salt Masseuse...

She'll just rub it in.

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

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Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Why does salt lake everything taste better

Because it's sodi-yummm!

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

Why did Garry Kasparov took an hour to pass the salt?

Because the table cloth was checked.

Me: Honey, can you please pass the salt?

My wife: Sure


My 5 year old son: Dad, why aren't you
eating that salt with your nose like you did yesterday?

My Nan used to say “Take everything with a pinch of salt”.

Lovely lady, made terrible cook though...

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Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

what did the grain of salt say to the doctor?

Doc I think I tore NACL

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

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How do you get kosher salt?

you mix a hasidic jew and a halkaline jew

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

Losing his load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the t...

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted

They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

The Pope receives a phone call...

...and on the other side is Jesus. Jesus says that now is the time, the Second Coming is upon humanity, and that he is letting all his followers know about this, and he thought he should give the Pope, a devout follower, a call. Jesus also tells the Pope He has good news and bad news.

"What's...

What’s the difference between a Pulitzer Prize winning author and a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

One is Norman Mailer and the other is a Mormon Nailer.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

What do you call a war hero covered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

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