There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

If ponies like salt licks what do pirate ponies like?

G’Arrlics!

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

I hear that in Chicago there's a lot of mist. but in Salt Lake City

Bigamist.

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my uncle had a freudian slip when he was having dinner with his wife

he meant to say: "can you pass the salt?"

but he end up saying: "you ruined my life you selfish bitch"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

A girl goes over to her Italian grandfather’s house

to find him covered in salt and wrapping himself in pigs intestine. Shocked, the girl says “Grampa! What are you doing?!?”

The grandfather responds: “I founda I have-a the cancer, so I worka ona cure!”

I recently bought a gun

It can only shoot NaCl bullets because it's a salt rifle.

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley...

And one was a salted.

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?

An a-salt rifle

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

Hey who threw the sodium chloride at me?

That’s a salt!

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

Me: Honey, can you please pass the salt?

My wife: Sure


My 5 year old son: Dad, why aren't you
eating that salt with your nose like you did yesterday?

what did the grain of salt say to the doctor?

Doc I think I tore NACL

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

Why did the neuron go to jail?

Because he was charged with a salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get kosher salt?

you mix a hasidic jew and a halkaline jew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

A chemistry professor was taking the first class for a new batch of students who just joined the college.

So, he made all of them stand infront of a table that had a beaker with some liquid in it.

"Observation is very crucial in Chemistry.. the more you observe, the better you can learn", he said as he dipped his left index finger into the beaker containing the liquid.

After 15 seconds, he...

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

Why did Garry Kasparov took an hour to pass the salt?

Because the table cloth was checked.

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

A bunch of cations walk into a bar that is notorious for only serving anions.

This precipitated many a salts and batteries.

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt.

Your move.

I had lunch with chess grandmaster magnus magnuson last week. It was a lovely Italian restaurant with a chequered tablecloth though.
So
It took him three hours to pass the salt.

What’s the difference between a Pulitzer Prize winning author and a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

One is Norman Mailer and the other is a Mormon Nailer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite Jewish joke

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant with a craving for borscht.

He sits down at his table, motions the waiter and orders a big bowl of borscht. Not long after that, a steaming bowl is placed in front him. But as the waiter is walking away, the old jew quickly calls him back to his tabl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

More salt?

Na.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

Sea salt makes everything taste better.

Except when you’re drowning.

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

Sodium free salt?

Na thanks.

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine,...

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

When life gives you lemons

Ask for salt and tequila

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher...

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher who owed him money. He arrived at the school lab and found the teacher hiding behind a desk. The man reached for the nearest container, labeled CaCl2, threw it at the chemistry teacher, and yelled, "Where is my money?!"

The chemistry teacher held up...

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

What did the salt say to his girlfriend?

Wow, you're so-dium beautiful

What do you do when you run out of salt for an experiment?

You get Mohr salt.

The seasons are all mixed up right now. It's supposed to be spring but it feels more like salt.

I'm so wintery

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