There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

Salt: So nice to see you. Paprika: How do you do?

Nutmeg: 'Sup.

Garlic: Yo!

Pepper: HI!

Oregano: Hola.

Seasons' Greetings everyone

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?

To keep the spirits from escaping.

I thought about posting a joke about salt

but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?...

...

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

What do you call a firearm made out of salt?

A salt rifle.

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

I got knocked off my bike by a salt spreading truck last winter.

"You IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth.

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

I saw the expiration date was six months past.

Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

Losing his load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the t...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

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What did Mr. Salt tell Mrs. Pepper before they had sex?

Hold on, let me get some condomints.

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

I heard Sodium Chloride was charged with a felony!

Yes, it was a salt!

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2 guys talking over coffee and one guys says to the other…

Have you ever said one thing but meant to say something completely different?

The other guys says “Yeah! I was at the airport and when the lady asked where I was going, I said Tits-berg instead of Pittsburgh!”

The first guy then said “EXACTLY! Like last night when I was having dinner ...

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

Two peanuts walked into a bar...

One was a-salted

What do you call a fast salt water fish?

Efficiency

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

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A blind man touches the salt croissants in the bakery...

\-Who wrote all this bullshit!?

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

A peanut walks into a bar.

He is a salted.

If ponies like salt licks what do pirate ponies like?

G’Arrlics!

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

My Nan used to say “Take everything with a pinch of salt”.

Lovely lady, made terrible cook though...

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

Me: Honey, can you please pass the salt?

My wife: Sure


My 5 year old son: Dad, why aren't you
eating that salt with your nose like you did yesterday?

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

what did the grain of salt say to the doctor?

Doc I think I tore NACL

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

More salt?

Na.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get kosher salt?

you mix a hasidic jew and a halkaline jew

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

Why does salt lake everything taste better

Because it's sodi-yummm!

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

Just found out one of the ladies who sang "Push It" has Parkinson's

She's a Salt-N-Pepa shaker now

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

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Flour, salt, and butter go to a dance.

Butter sees flour and salt dancing in the corner.

He walks over to them and asks, "can I cut in?"

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Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

Why did Garry Kasparov took an hour to pass the salt?

Because the table cloth was checked.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

on the beach

W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and said, "Hello my dear, how's your ass?"

The girl looked at him in disgust and said, "Shut up!"

He said, "Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water."

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted

They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband....

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Sea salt makes everything taste better.

Except when you’re drowning.

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

What’s the difference between a Pulitzer Prize winning author and a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

One is Norman Mailer and the other is a Mormon Nailer.

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freudian slips

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You God damn bitc...

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

So a sodium molecule hits a chlorine molecule

It was a salt

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

What do you call a war hero covered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?

He was a salted

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

Why did Pepper go to prison?

A-SALT



I made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

Our HOA voted no to convert our pool to salt water

Unfortunately the cannibal family was unable to muster support.

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