There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Cause pepper water makes them sneeze!!!

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

Why does salt lake everything taste better

Because it's sodi-yummm!

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted

They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my girlfriend put a condiment up my butt without consent, I would not leave my bed for weeks

I will not stand for sexual ass salt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

Why couldn’t the person lift the salt rock?

It was sodium heavy

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Two peanuts went walking

One was a salted

What do you call a firearm that can shoot salt?

A salt rifle.

What's the difference between an Englishman and a Frenchman?

The Englishman salts his snails before they die.

Sea salt makes everything taste better.

Except when you’re drowning.

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

Travel trouble

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “But there is a stopo...

What do Spanish chemists call bath salts?

Baña Na

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

Sodium free salt?

Na thanks.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

More salt?

Na.

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

Science jokes

Man: Help!

Officer: What is the problem?

Man: He's throwing sodium chloride at me!

Officer: Why does that provoke a shout for help?

Man: Because it's a salt!!!!

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine,...

I take all condiment advice

with a pinch of salt.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

What do you do when you run out of salt for an experiment?

You get Mohr salt.

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says “I’m the one driving not you”.

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says “I’m the one c...

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

What did the salt say to his girlfriend?

Wow, you're so-dium beautiful

2 peanuts walked into a park

One was as-salted.

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

The seasons are all mixed up right now. It's supposed to be spring but it feels more like salt.

I'm so wintery

I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

Pretzels

Two pretzels walked through a sketchy alleyway

One was a salted

The other was knot


*edit: thanks punconscious for helping a little bit*

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My elementary school art teacher told this one

He began class by saying that Sebastian, Evan, and Joseph (some of my classmates) were stranded on an island. They find a fairy or something like that (I don't know, it was years ago) and they each get a wish, as long as it doesn't involve escaping the island.
Sebastian says he wishes for a lot ...

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

I got arrested the other day for throwing a battery at my wife and hitting her favorite salt shaker instead

They charged me for a salt and battery.

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

I know this one clever joke about salt, I wonder if I should tell it...

...Na

What do you call a salt water duck?

A saltine quacker.

Did you hear about the fight outside the chippy?

The fish got battered and the chips got salted.

What's the difference between salt and vinegar?

I wasn't charged with a vinegar last year.

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

What kind of ships can't go in salt water?

Snail-boats

Horrible thing happened on the way home

Last night I was driving home and remembered that my remote for the TV had an issue. The batteries were bad and leaked acid on the springs so I always use salt water to clean the connectors and I needed new batteries - so I make a pit stop at 7-11 get the container of salt and a few double A batteri...

Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

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