UPJOKE
sodium chloridesalinitysea saltsulfatechlorinetable saltsodiumpeppersaltybenzoatepermanganatexanthatevanadatesulfonatecarbamate

There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

Why do sharks prefer salt water?

Cuz it makes the people taste better

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

Salt: So nice to see you. Paprika: How do you do?

Nutmeg: 'Sup.

Garlic: Yo!

Pepper: HI!

Oregano: Hola.

Seasons' Greetings everyone

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?

To keep the spirits from escaping.

I had a joke about salt I was going to tell....

Then decided, Na I'm good.

A fashion designer was interviewing a cannibal...

"So what do you think would best complement a person?"
"Salt and pepper."

What do you call a molecule of sodium carrying a gun?

A salt with a deadly weapon

I have an idea for a sitcom about a salt water fish and fresh water fish that start a family.

It’s called “Brackish”.

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

What do you call a firearm made out of salt?

A salt rifle.

I thought about posting a joke about salt

but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.

I got knocked off my bike by a salt spreading truck last winter.

"You IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth.

Two peanuts are walking down the street...

One was a salted.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

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Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

The Pope receives a phone call...

...and on the other side is Jesus. Jesus says that now is the time, the Second Coming is upon humanity, and that he is letting all his followers know about this, and he thought he should give the Pope, a devout follower, a call. Jesus also tells the Pope He has good news and bad news.

"What's...

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Mr. Salt tell Mrs. Pepper before they had sex?

Hold on, let me get some condomints.

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man touches the salt croissants in the bakery...

\-Who wrote all this bullshit!?

What does Van Helsing put on his driveway in the winter?

Garlic Salt

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

I saw the expiration date was six months past.

Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

Losing his load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the t...

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

If ponies like salt licks what do pirate ponies like?

G’Arrlics!

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

More salt?

Na.

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

What happened to Iron man when he wanted some salt?

He got a divorce form his wife Pepper.

My Nan used to say “Take everything with a pinch of salt”.

Lovely lady, made terrible cook though...

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

I heard Sodium Chloride was charged with a felony!

Yes, it was a salt!

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Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

Why did Garry Kasparov took an hour to pass the salt?

Because the table cloth was checked.

Me: Honey, can you please pass the salt?

My wife: Sure


My 5 year old son: Dad, why aren't you
eating that salt with your nose like you did yesterday?

what did the grain of salt say to the doctor?

Doc I think I tore NACL

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

Brains are a funny thing ...

... like for example, did you know that if you tilt your head back and pretend you're shaking salt onto your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste the salt?

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2 guys talking over coffee and one guys says to the other…

Have you ever said one thing but meant to say something completely different?

The other guys says “Yeah! I was at the airport and when the lady asked where I was going, I said Tits-berg instead of Pittsburgh!”

The first guy then said “EXACTLY! Like last night when I was having dinner ...

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

What do you call a war hero covered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

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