There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Cause pepper water makes them sneeze!!!

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp?

Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my girlfriend put a condiment up my butt without consent, I would not leave my bed for weeks

I will not stand for sexual ass salt

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

Two peanuts went walking

One was a salted

What's the difference between an Englishman and a Frenchman?

The Englishman salts his snails before they die.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

My Alg II told us this one (Part 2)

Boodro and Tibbideux were fishing on a boat when a man passes by with a boat full of fish. They ask him, "How'd you get all those fish?" And the man says "You got to go up the stream to where the salt water turns to fresh water." So they go up the stream for about 30 minutes. Tibbideux asks how they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of Pissed off fishermen?

Salty seamen


My girlfriend came up with this
Say hi if you want to be in the screenshot

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

What do you call a firearm that can shoot salt?

A salt rifle.

Sea salt makes everything taste better.

Except when you’re drowning.

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Travel trouble

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “But there is a stopo...

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Science jokes

Man: Help!

Officer: What is the problem?

Man: He's throwing sodium chloride at me!

Officer: Why does that provoke a shout for help?

Man: Because it's a salt!!!!

Sodium free salt?

Na thanks.

Did you know it's illegal to combine sea salt and iodized salt?

They call it aggregated a salt...

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

I always take life with a grain of salt

plus a slice of lemon...

...and a shot of tequila.

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

More salt?

Na.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

I take all condiment advice

with a pinch of salt.

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine,...

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says “I’m the one driving not you”.

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says “I’m the one c...

Before I go on any long journeys, I always put some salt and pepper on my head.

I'm a well-seasoned traveller.

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

2 peanuts walked into a park

One was as-salted.

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

What do you do when you run out of salt for an experiment?

You get Mohr salt.

Pretzels

Two pretzels walked through a sketchy alleyway

One was a salted

The other was knot


*edit: thanks punconscious for helping a little bit*

What did the salt say to his girlfriend?

Wow, you're so-dium beautiful

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My elementary school art teacher told this one

He began class by saying that Sebastian, Evan, and Joseph (some of my classmates) were stranded on an island. They find a fairy or something like that (I don't know, it was years ago) and they each get a wish, as long as it doesn't involve escaping the island.
Sebastian says he wishes for a lot ...

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

The seasons are all mixed up right now. It's supposed to be spring but it feels more like salt.

I'm so wintery

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

I got arrested the other day for throwing a battery at my wife and hitting her favorite salt shaker instead

They charged me for a salt and battery.

Horrible thing happened on the way home

Last night I was driving home and remembered that my remote for the TV had an issue. The batteries were bad and leaked acid on the springs so I always use salt water to clean the connectors and I needed new batteries - so I make a pit stop at 7-11 get the container of salt and a few double A batteri...

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

Did you hear about the fight outside the chippy?

The fish got battered and the chips got salted.

I know this one clever joke about salt, I wonder if I should tell it...

...Na

What do you call a salt water duck?

A saltine quacker.

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt!

What's the difference between salt and vinegar?

I wasn't charged with a vinegar last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has his car stolen

On a thursday a middle-aged balding man wakes up brushes his teeth and gets ready for work, he gets out of his house and finds his car stolen. He contacts the police about it and takes a taxi to work, when he comes back his car is there again without any signs of misuse but with a note on the driver...

What kind of ships can't go in salt water?

Snail-boats

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