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A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

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One of my employees said he couldn't come to work today because of a perforated colon.

I think he is full of shit.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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Employee: Sir, you called me? Boss: Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee: (After few mins)... done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

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A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at the hotel

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at a hotel.

\- All right, it will be 70 euros for the stay, said the receptionist.

\- Very well, here is the money, answered the manager.

\- Uhm, actually your employee also used our mini bar which will be another 50 euros.
...

What do you call an Apple employee who got laid off?

Steve Jobless!

The sperm bank employee come back after stepping out of their office for a minute

Me: Thanks for the glass of milk by the way

Him: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was on your desk

Him: Oh my god

Me: What?

Him: You drank my glass of milk?

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sick employee

A company hired a new employee. He was supposed to start on Monday, but in the morning he called his boss:
"I'm sick," he said. The boss excuses him.
The guy shows up at work on Tuesday and works hard all week, amazing everyone with his diligence and skills. The following Monday he calls...

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An employee at a supermarket

An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods...

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Why did the employee at the lightbulb factory get fired?

He told his supervisor to lighten the fuck up.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does Abo...

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

Why do chickens make good dollar store employees?

Whenever you ask them the price they say "Buck buck buck buuuuuuck,"

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

A boss and his employee are discussing the testing of their products

Employee : we have got to stop testing our products on animals

Boss : oh yeah ? Other companies do it all the time , so why shouldn't we ?

Employee : yeah that's good and all but we make hammers

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it’s going to be me.

Two managers were complaining about how stupid their employees were.

Manager A: The other day, I told Joe, "Here's $100. Go buy a car for me." And he said ok and left. It's $100! Where are you going to find a car being sold for $100?

Manager B: That's nothing. The other day, I told Moe, "Hey, go to my house and check if I'm home." And he said ok and left. Ob...

An employee asks his boss, "Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?" His boss replied, "It's May...", to which the employee responded,

"Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?"

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

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(caution, horrible joke) I once asked an employee of a Pepto factory if they had a secret ingredient.

He told me it was none of my bismuth.

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

One store now allows its employees to say whatever they want to say to their customers.

It’s called retailiation.

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

Why do the Spanish newspaper El Mundo's employees work so hard?

Because El Mundo means The World to them.

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.

“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $10,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadi...

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Male porn stars are some of the most reliable employees.

They’re always working hard.

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We’re out of broccoli

A man sends his wife to the store for groceries. He says to the wife “ while you’re out, pick up some broccoli”. She heads to her local supermarket in search of broccoli.

When she gets there she asks the first employee she sees “excuse me sir, where do you keep the broccoli?”

He sa...

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

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A man goes home after being fired from his job at a chips factory.....

Wife is surprised because the man was employee of the month for 10 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more surprised afte...

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What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?

Thank you for your purchase. Go fuck yourself.

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee

he didn't work out

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

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A Monkey was arrested for throwing lit shit at zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

The employees at my bank are soo nice these days!

Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

In the future, Jurassic Park starts to become a reality

There is a young, inexperienced employee who stumbles on a piece of amber, and immediately brings it to the laboratory. The scientist is confused, as this piece doesn't look like the others, so he goes off to the lab to date it.

The employee, unknowing of what it is still, starts to put it in...

Flux Capacitor

Part of me feels really bad about this. I mean he's only a kid. He's really too young to understand what I did to him. But do it to him I did. I 121G’d the lad.

I went into an O’Reilly’s store last week to pick up some wiper blades. I had this young kid helping me. He made a comment about how...

What's the difference between two full time employees in America and a lasagne?

A Lasagne can feed a family of four.

How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to operate an electric chair?

10, but 4 will shock you.

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

Why did the Nabisco employees go on strike?

Because the factories were crumby.

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month?

He was outstanding in his field

A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door "sorry we're closed" "But your sign says open 24 hours!" says the man.

The employee yells back "not in a row"

People are so desperate for employees now

That the sign say long haired freaky people please apply

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

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Employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick.

The boss tells the employee "Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?"

Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said "Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!"

A man buys adult diapers

The clerk asks "are you one of those weirdos with a diaper fetish?" with a judgmental look on his face



The man says "no, I'm an Amazon warehouse employee."



The clerk says "Ah, I understand now."

I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night

We had a very heated argument.

My heart says we are meant for eachother

My brain asks, are we really?

Zoo employee: "Sir! Stay where you are and let go of the penguin!"

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

I miss the days when 2 Nintendo employees would show up at your house to play Wii

Now they just show up with a lawsuit and a court order.

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Help Wanted;

A lumber mill posts a assist wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after s...

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

When a Gamestop employee dies and goes to Heaven...

Do you think God says "Well you have 3,000 good deeds, but I'm only gonna give you credit for 14 of them."

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An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

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An old lady shows up to a bank..

An old lady shows up at the Bank of Canada one morning with a bag of money.
The old lady insists on talking to the president of the bank about opening a savings account because, she says, she has a lot of money.
After much discussion, an employee took him to the president's office.
The Pre...

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John was livid that his Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up...

John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.

He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.

John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new Employee, Sarah, surroun...

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

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A boss calls one of his male employees into the office

Boss: I want you to go into the bathroom and masturbate.
Employee: ...excuse me sir?
Boss: Do as I say. Now go.
5 minutes later, guy comes back a bit sweaty and relaxed.
Employee: Ok done sir.
Boss: very well. Now go and do it again.
Employee: what? Really?
Boss: Just go ...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

Why was the Samsung employee astonished?

Because I swallowed a tablet without water.

Importance

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. S...

What did the disgruntled birdwatcher say to the employee of the bird sanctuary?

I’d like to speak to your Tanager.

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Why did the dyslexic employee at the concession stand at the movie theatre get arrested?

For bootlegging copporn !!!

how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

How did the Scottish bakery employee go undefeated in the 100-yard dash?

Because run, run, as fast as they can. They can't catch him. He's the ginger bread man.

A employee calls his boss...

He asks, "Can I have the week of Thanksgiving off this year?"

The boss replies, "Don' you know, it's May?"

The employee rephrases, "Sorry sir, may I have the week of Thanksgiving off this year?"

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A company hires a new employee....

A company hires a new employee. The boss meets him on his first day, looks him over and decides that he's going to be a good worker.

And he was right. Starting on Monday, the new employee finished all his tasks in record time. The boss was impressed. On Tuesday he did the same. Wednesday cam...

Have you heard about the IT employee who got hacked weeks ago?

Well, he is in pieces now.

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees,

the business owner posted signs that read "Do It Now" in every department
It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.

A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.

"Well," said the business owner, "not exactly ...

A store manager is doing the rounds one day when he comes upon a new employee talking to a customer

The customer wants a TV, but the employee says they don't have any so the customer walks away.

The manager, annoyed, calls the employee to his office and tells him "We never say no to a customer. Next time, tell him you need to fetch it from the back. Then go buy it from the store next door a...

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What's one thing both a pet store employee and a doctor can say to a normal person?

I've seen more pussy than you ever will

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

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An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

The boss approaches the new employee...

...and tells him to sweep the office.

"I'm sorry but I went to Harvard" the employee replies

The boss responds "Oh, my bad. In this case I have to show you how to do this"

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.



“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a s...

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[NSFW] A HR employee was sent an anonymous dick pic within the company network

Right away, she called the Packaging Design Manager. The man was shocked. "How did you know it was me?!"

She pointed to the caption on the picture: "Enlarged to Show Texture".

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said “If anyone has any comments or anything they’d like to say please come up to the microphone”

An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room...

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

“meta” mates

Facebook employees are now > Metamates
LinkedIn > Inmates
Amazon > Primates
Tinder > Intimates
ServiceNow > Nowmates
Snowflake > Snowmates
Postmates > Postmatemates

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

What did Ellen say to her employee that asked her for a raise???

Sorry, I'm not that degeneres.

The employees at Lowe's will ignore you for a full 25 minutes...

... until you start a chainsaw.

An employee hadn't showed up for work, and it was getting pretty late.

The boss had a meeting in some time, and this particular employee was supposed to present the pitch to the clients. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes go by... and there's no sign of the employee.

The boss decided to call him. However, the employee did not answer so the boss tried his wife's ...

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How to fire an Employee...

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors s...

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If I ever had sex with a GameStop employee...

...I'd offer them protection for $2.99

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Did you hear about the sex worker who got Employee of the Month?

She did a really good fucking job.

I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

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I complained to my boss about how disgusting the employee bathroom was.

He called the janitor and said, "I found out who keeps shitting in the maintenance closet mop bucket."

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.  

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door....

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The boss demands to know why his employee was late.

"Sorry boss, I was masturbating. But I came as quick as I could."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked an employee at the bank if they had any specials or promotions on loans and she said "Yeah! Zero interest!"

To which I responded, "Uhhhh, then can you maybe fuckin go find someone who's *interested* in helping me?"

People can be so rude.

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