UPJOKE
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What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?


Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.


Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.


Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

Why is a pirate a marketing-employee?

Because he works'n'sails

Elon is firing Twitter employees with bad posture

I have a hunch I might be next.

There's a male employee at the UN who dresses in drag at night.

He's a trans later

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

Why did the employee’s paycheck smell like parsley?

Their boss had garnished their wages

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

I saw a hotel employee who brought bags to the wrong room, dropped room service trays and even managed to slip and fall into the pool

That joke works on many levels

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?

Employee turnover.

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

Did you hear the one about the soda company employee who was out walking on the beach, but drowned?

He was schwepped out to sea

Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means?

Employee: it means today is Wednesday

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One of my employees today complained that the sundae lids won’t fit.

I told her “Well duh, that’s because it’s Monday!”

They are so done with my bullshit today. Lol.

How many retail employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to manage, one to supervise, and one to do it.

Why do most employees get sick on work days?

Because of their weekend immune system.

Why did the KFC employee blush?

Because he saw the chicken strip

Why does Elon Musk make his employees have a net electric charge?

He doesn't want them to be unionized.

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

A company owner was asked a question

**"How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled and replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."**

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

“Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. ...

An employee buys his boss a bottle of liquor to celebrity his anniversary.

The boss goes, “I haven’t bought alcohol in 15 years. I’m 15 years *free.*”

The employee quickly apologizes and says, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to break your sobriety!”

The boss responds, “Sobriety? No I just have been stealing alcohol for 15 years and drinking it for free.”

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Employee: Sir, you called me? Boss: Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee: (After few mins)... done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

*CEO of a company dies*

Manager: silence, we are burying a great man today.

Employee: did some one else die too.

Credits: the IT crowd.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

What is an audiologist ?

Employee of the 'ear.

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One of my employees said he couldn't come to work today because of a perforated colon.

I think he is full of shit.

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

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A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at the hotel

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at a hotel.

\- All right, it will be 70 euros for the stay, said the receptionist.

\- Very well, here is the money, answered the manager.

\- Uhm, actually your employee also used our mini bar which will be another 50 euros.
...

What do you call an Apple employee who got laid off?

Steve Jobless!

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient.

Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.

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sick employee

A company hired a new employee. He was supposed to start on Monday, but in the morning he called his boss:
"I'm sick," he said. The boss excuses him.
The guy shows up at work on Tuesday and works hard all week, amazing everyone with his diligence and skills. The following Monday he calls...

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Why did the employee at the lightbulb factory get fired?

He told his supervisor to lighten the fuck up.

The sperm bank employee come back after stepping out of their office for a minute

Me: Thanks for the glass of milk by the way

Him: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was on your desk

Him: Oh my god

Me: What?

Him: You drank my glass of milk?

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An employee at a supermarket

An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods...

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

Why do chickens make good dollar store employees?

Whenever you ask them the price they say "Buck buck buck buuuuuuck,"

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

An employee asks his boss, "Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?" His boss replied, "It's May...", to which the employee responded,

"Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?"

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

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A tragedy at the zoo today

Due to an electrical failure, a fire broke out in the primate exhibit. The inhabiting apes, frightened, began throwing feces at zoo employees as they fought to control the blaze.

Thankfully, the fire has been extinguished but at least five zookeepers have been hospitalized with turd degree b...

A dog goes to the Job Centre

A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.

The employee at the Job Centre says "Bloody hell! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"

The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"

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(caution, horrible joke) I once asked an employee of a Pepto factory if they had a secret ingredient.

He told me it was none of my bismuth.

Everytime I go to work, I hide because..

Good employees are hard to find

A boss and his employee are discussing the testing of their products

Employee : we have got to stop testing our products on animals

Boss : oh yeah ? Other companies do it all the time , so why shouldn't we ?

Employee : yeah that's good and all but we make hammers

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

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A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats $100, BJs are also on sale, for only $20.

\-Wow, those pric...

Supermarket

I went to a supermarket and I asked one of the employees there where they kept the tinned peaches. The employee said: "I'll see." and walked away. I asked another employee and they also said: "I'll see." and walked away.

In the end, I managed to find them myself in Aisle C.

Two managers were complaining about how stupid their employees were.

Manager A: The other day, I told Joe, "Here's $100. Go buy a car for me." And he said ok and left. It's $100! Where are you going to find a car being sold for $100?

Manager B: That's nothing. The other day, I told Moe, "Hey, go to my house and check if I'm home." And he said ok and left. Ob...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month?

He was outstanding in his field

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee

he didn't work out

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

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What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?

Thank you for your purchase. Go fuck yourself.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

One store now allows its employees to say whatever they want to say to their customers.

It’s called retailiation.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

What's the difference between two full time employees in America and a lasagne?

A Lasagne can feed a family of four.

Why do the Spanish newspaper El Mundo's employees work so hard?

Because El Mundo means The World to them.

How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to operate an electric chair?

10, but 4 will shock you.

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.

“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $10,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadi...

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The new employee.

This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself ...

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An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night

We had a very heated argument.

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

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Male porn stars are some of the most reliable employees.

They’re always working hard.

The employees at my bank are soo nice these days!

Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

Some haha's for you to hehe to.....

A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in disbelief for a moment, then started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
A woman working at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
“No, it says right here,” he said, handi...

A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door "sorry we're closed" "But your sign says open 24 hours!" says the man.

The employee yells back "not in a row"

An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room...

"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"

Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Monkey was arrested for throwing lit shit at zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

When a Gamestop employee dies and goes to Heaven...

Do you think God says "Well you have 3,000 good deeds, but I'm only gonna give you credit for 14 of them."

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

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Employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick.

The boss tells the employee "Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?"

Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said "Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!"

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw t...

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

People are so desperate for employees now

That the sign say long haired freaky people please apply

Have you heard about the IT employee who got hacked weeks ago?

Well, he is in pieces now.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.



“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a s...

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I ever had sex with a GameStop employee...

...I'd offer them protection for $2.99

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What's one thing both a pet store employee and a doctor can say to a normal person?

I've seen more pussy than you ever will

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, thi...

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

What did the disgruntled birdwatcher say to the employee of the bird sanctuary?

I’d like to speak to your Tanager.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the dyslexic employee at the concession stand at the movie theatre get arrested?

For bootlegging copporn !!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A company hires a new employee....

A company hires a new employee. The boss meets him on his first day, looks him over and decides that he's going to be a good worker.

And he was right. Starting on Monday, the new employee finished all his tasks in record time. The boss was impressed. On Tuesday he did the same. Wednesday cam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

The boss approaches the new employee...

...and tells him to sweep the office.

"I'm sorry but I went to Harvard" the employee replies

The boss responds "Oh, my bad. In this case I have to show you how to do this"

A store manager is doing the rounds one day when he comes upon a new employee talking to a customer

The customer wants a TV, but the employee says they don't have any so the customer walks away.

The manager, annoyed, calls the employee to his office and tells him "We never say no to a customer. Next time, tell him you need to fetch it from the back. Then go buy it from the store next door a...

Why did the Nabisco employees go on strike?

Because the factories were crumby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sex worker who got Employee of the Month?

She did a really good fucking job.

Why was the Samsung employee astonished?

Because I swallowed a tablet without water.

I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

Employee Award goes to......

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise....

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