I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

What do you call a Russian Starbucks employee, who loves to dance?

Baristnikov

The frustrated boss asked his employee, "Are you stupid or just apathetic‽"

He replied, "I don't know, and I don't care!"

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

McDonald's employee: Please sir, get off the table

Me: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES \*dumping bag of fries out on the floor\* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKING LITTLE ONES

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the censorship manager tell his employee?

Get the fuck out of here.

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

A guy takes a bite out of a Big Mac.

The Apple store employees were very surprised.

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier!

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: OH MY GOD

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I ever had sex with a GameStop employee...

...I'd offer them protection for $2.99

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

Why did the Pepsi employee get fired?

Because his lab results came back, and he tested positive for Coke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?

She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

A man asks a shoe store employee for the size of a shoe

The employee replies that it's a size 9, US.

The man asks what the Australian size is.

"Size 6," the employee says.

What did the employee say after getting hit by a rental car?

It Hertz!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

new employee

A guy starts a new job. His first day is Wednesday, and does a fantastic job. Same with Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick."
...

What grade did the NASA employee get on their exam?

A T-minus

Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

What do you call an airport security employee?

A volunteer

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

What did the chocolate bank hire when their employee quit?

A Nutella

Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

How do you know if it is really a USPS employee that goes postal?

The bullets hit the wrong building three days late.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a sperm bank today

Me: Sorry, I drank the cup of milk on your table.

Sperm bank employee: What cup of milk?

Me: The one on your table.

Sperm bank employee: You asshole that was my cup of milk.

TIFU by firing the wrong employee

Whoops, wrong sub (ordinate)

Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that ...

Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

What do you call a day spa employee who hates female customers?

A massagynist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boss offered his employee a $1000 for a quickie

He told her that it would be real fast so no one would catch them. He'd throw the money on the floor and it would be over before she stands up.

She was reluctant at first, but it sounded so easy and her desperation was enough to consider it. She called her friend and asked her what she though...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man calls his local Chick-fil-A and asks: "Do you serve gays?" The employee responds "No sir..."

"We serve chicken."

Dating a UPS employee is great

They really know how to handle your package

I Need A Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I current...

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?"

His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this
morning!"

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"...

What is the difference between a Walmart employee and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?

So they have something to do in the afternoon!

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts

Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas?

Because he was Snowden.

Employee: We need to stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!
Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire?

Number 1 shocked him.

My Mexican employee who works on my farm doesn’t like the nickname I’ve given him...

He’s my International Harvester.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Employee arriving to work just before opening. "Hello, how's it going". Manager replies "I'm a babies butt"

Employee looks confused. Manager " I'm a little behind."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boss calls an employee who didnt show..

Employee picks up the phone and the boss said "Get your ass to work!". Employee said "I cant boss I got anal glaucoma" boss replied with "What the hell is that". Guy said "Dont see my ass coming into work today".

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, thi...

Dropped a dad joke bomb on an unsuspecting game stop employee

In Game Stop yesterday with my teenaged son, the the cashier asked me if I was ok buying a game that was rated T for teen, I replied "Of course, he is Four Teen!"

The Epileptic Employee

Three brothers, Tom Meens, Jerry Meens, and Sam Meens, are all managers of a toy factory.

Tom manages the call center reps, Jerry manages the production line, and Sam manages the fulfillment department.

One day in the break room, an employee having lunch at the same time as Jerry, i...

How did the scare crow get employee of the month?

He was out standing in his field.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hot female employee filed a sexual harrassment complaint.

Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint to my boss.

HR Dep: So miss what did he say, or do to you that would make you file a complaint?

Hot employee: he said the other day that my hair smelled sweet and alluring.

HR Dep: I don't see anything wrong that would incite or...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An employee and her boss are having sex.

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful

It only covers iDoctors

What did Google say to the politically incorrect employee?

I can help you search for a new job.

After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise..

When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory

What did one Apple employee say to the other Apple employee?

We’ve lost our Jobs.

A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business...

It's called counter intelligence.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Smart Employee

A man walks into a grocery store and asks to buy half a cabbage. The employee tells him they don't sell half a cabbage and that the customer would have to buy the cabbage whole. The customer angrily asks to see the manager so the employee goes into the back room and says to the manager "There's some...

Did you hear about the employee who was hired by a rival Egg packing factory?

You could say he was poached

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

An employee tells his boss...

Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

What's the difference between a reliable employee and an angry boxer?

One is punctual, the other will punch you all.

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

boss-employee

Boss to Employee : What are you doing today?

Employee : Nothing.

Boss : But yesterday also you did nothing.

Employee : Yeah, but I could not finish it yesterday

What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game

The customer is lava

What do you call a good-looking Apple employee?

iCandy

Relationship between Employer and Employee

They pretend they pay us, we pretend we work.

I won the Most Unreliable Employee award.

I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Employee Is Called Into His Manager's Office

The manager sits him down and says "I have reports you have been using your computer for non-work-related activities."

"No sir, that simply isn't true," the man said.

"I have a lot of complaints about it though," the manager replied, unconvinced. "People say they see you playing solita...

I identify as an employee wherever I go.

Now I can use any bathroom I need to.

A new Wall Street Journal employee walks into a bar ...

... but can't because the only one near WSJ headquarters is at the bottom of a giant square-shaped sinkhole.

He asks an older employee what happened, but is just told that it can be accessed with the city's subway station. Still confused, he decides to walk underground to investigate and e...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

What did the dog say about the United Airlines Employee?

Ruff

My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One guy working at Starbucks is checking out the new employee.

"Man, her ass is huge!"

The boss interjects "Mark, watch your language. You're at work!"

"Sorry, boss, you're right. Man, her butt is Venti"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into Radio Shack and sees that they have "The All In One Female Office Bot" now for sale!

The man walks up to the counter and asks the employee, "what is so special about that robot?"

"She is an all in one. If you squeeze her left breast, she will write down anything that you say and if you squeeze the right breast, she will type anything for you." the employee states.

"I'l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A building firm hires a new Asian employee...

So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"

Why did the employee get fired from the calendar manufacturing company?

He took a day off