I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

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What do you call it when an employee has sex with their boss to get a better position?

An interncourse.

A man is talking to his employee

,,Mr. Doe you are a valuable member of our company. I don't know what we would do without you, but we will have to try our best the next month."

What does a disgruntled Mcdonalds employee and side order of fries got in common?

They both came in the meal deal.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it might be me.

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

The frustrated boss asked his employee, "Are you stupid or just apathetic‽"

He replied, "I don't know, and I don't care!"

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An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

An employee is working at Mcdonald's

Employee: McWelcome to McDonald's, can i take your McOrder?
Boss: you don't have to put "Mc" in front of every word you know
Employee: Hello and welcome to Donald's

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

Why did the Pepsi employee get fired?

Because his lab results came back, and he tested positive for Coke.

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

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What did the censorship manager tell his employee?

Get the fuck out of here.

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

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If I ever had sex with a GameStop employee...

...I'd offer them protection for $2.99

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier!

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: OH MY GOD

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

A guy takes a bite out of a Big Mac.

The Apple store employees were very surprised.

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What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?

She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

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McDonald's employee: Please sir, get off the table

Me: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES \*dumping bag of fries out on the floor\* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKING LITTLE ONES

What did the employee say after getting hit by a rental car?

It Hertz!

A man asks a shoe store employee for the size of a shoe

The employee replies that it's a size 9, US.

The man asks what the Australian size is.

"Size 6," the employee says.

What grade did the NASA employee get on their exam?

A T-minus

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new employee

A guy starts a new job. His first day is Wednesday, and does a fantastic job. Same with Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick."
...

What do you call an airport security employee?

A volunteer

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

What did the chocolate bank hire when their employee quit?

A Nutella

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I went to a sperm bank today

Me: Sorry, I drank the cup of milk on your table.

Sperm bank employee: What cup of milk?

Me: The one on your table.

Sperm bank employee: You asshole that was my cup of milk.

TIFU by firing the wrong employee

Whoops, wrong sub (ordinate)

Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that ...

Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

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A boss offered his employee a $1000 for a quickie

He told her that it would be real fast so no one would catch them. He'd throw the money on the floor and it would be over before she stands up.

She was reluctant at first, but it sounded so easy and her desperation was enough to consider it. She called her friend and asked her what she though...

What do you call a day spa employee who hates female customers?

A massagynist.

I Need A Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I current...

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A man calls his local Chick-fil-A and asks: "Do you serve gays?" The employee responds "No sir..."

"We serve chicken."

Dating a UPS employee is great

They really know how to handle your package

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

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Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"...

What is the difference between a Walmart employee and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?"

His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this
morning!"

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts

Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?

So they have something to do in the afternoon!

Employee: We need to stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!
Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
...

Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire?

Number 1 shocked him.

My Mexican employee who works on my farm doesn’t like the nickname I’ve given him...

He’s my International Harvester.

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Employee arriving to work just before opening. "Hello, how's it going". Manager replies "I'm a babies butt"

Employee looks confused. Manager " I'm a little behind."

Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas?

Because he was Snowden.

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, thi...

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Boss calls an employee who didnt show..

Employee picks up the phone and the boss said "Get your ass to work!". Employee said "I cant boss I got anal glaucoma" boss replied with "What the hell is that". Guy said "Dont see my ass coming into work today".

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Dropped a dad joke bomb on an unsuspecting game stop employee

In Game Stop yesterday with my teenaged son, the the cashier asked me if I was ok buying a game that was rated T for teen, I replied "Of course, he is Four Teen!"

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

The Epileptic Employee

Three brothers, Tom Meens, Jerry Meens, and Sam Meens, are all managers of a toy factory.

Tom manages the call center reps, Jerry manages the production line, and Sam manages the fulfillment department.

One day in the break room, an employee having lunch at the same time as Jerry, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee and her boss are having sex.

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful

It only covers iDoctors

How did the scare crow get employee of the month?

He was out standing in his field.

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory

What did Google say to the politically incorrect employee?

I can help you search for a new job.

After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise..

When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool

An employee tells his boss...

Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

What did one Apple employee say to the other Apple employee?

We’ve lost our Jobs.

A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business...

It's called counter intelligence.

Did you hear about the employee who was hired by a rival Egg packing factory?

You could say he was poached

What's the difference between a reliable employee and an angry boxer?

One is punctual, the other will punch you all.

What did the dog say about the United Airlines Employee?

Ruff

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

boss-employee

Boss to Employee : What are you doing today?

Employee : Nothing.

Boss : But yesterday also you did nothing.

Employee : Yeah, but I could not finish it yesterday

I won the Most Unreliable Employee award.

I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.

John the employee

John, a very experienced employee, was once having a drink with his boss, and found it a great opportunity to discuss a subject he has always been thinking about.

"Can I get a raise in salary?" John gently asked.

After a moment of thinking, the boss replied: "Of course! No one could re...

How do you know that it really is a post office employee that goes postal?

The bullets hit the wrong building three days late.

What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game

The customer is lava

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An Employee Is Called Into His Manager's Office

The manager sits him down and says "I have reports you have been using your computer for non-work-related activities."

"No sir, that simply isn't true," the man said.

"I have a lot of complaints about it though," the manager replied, unconvinced. "People say they see you playing solita...

I identify as an employee wherever I go.

Now I can use any bathroom I need to.

My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

A new Wall Street Journal employee walks into a bar ...

... but can't because the only one near WSJ headquarters is at the bottom of a giant square-shaped sinkhole.

He asks an older employee what happened, but is just told that it can be accessed with the city's subway station. Still confused, he decides to walk underground to investigate and e...

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A man walks into Radio Shack and sees that they have "The All In One Female Office Bot" now for sale!

The man walks up to the counter and asks the employee, "what is so special about that robot?"

"She is an all in one. If you squeeze her left breast, she will write down anything that you say and if you squeeze the right breast, she will type anything for you." the employee states.

"I'l...

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A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

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