TO WHOMEVER STOLE MY ANTIDEPRESSANTS!...

I hope you're happy now.

A kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl.”

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

**Suitors:** [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you, you have my Word!!

To whomever I got into an argument with about going to the chiropractor,

I stand corrected.

Discount War Medals (True Story)

Once I saw an article about how a person found a Purple Heart in a Goodwill store. They then bought it and tried to locate the family where it came from so they could return it to whomever it belonged.

But I commented on it saying “Wow they found a Purple Heart at Goodwill, that’s is a steal!...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

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Three nuns perish in a bus crash...

...and are whisked straight to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the gate with a warm welcome.

“Sisters, you have all three been paragons of the Catholic faith. The good Lord would like to bestow upon you one last day on earth as anyone you would like to be. Live for a day as whomever y...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

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Why does Tiger Woods have the best swing?

He heard that swinging meant he could have sex with whomever.

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So I go hunting with a bit of a snobby friend of mine...

On a nice summer day I go hunting with my snobby friend (his first time) on the countryside. Almost 6 hours pass and we haven't seen a single bird before we see this pheasant running out of a cornfield into this grass field. My friend doesn't hesitate and and shoots the bird.
My friend runs up to...

Why wives always win the argument

A man and his wife had a dispute. As a result of their spat, the woman left the room in a Huff, refusing to speak to the man. After several days, neither had spoken to the other and there was an unspoken understanding between the two of them at this point that whomever spoke out loud first was the l...

PSA: Don't let anyone tell you how to vote. You should vote for the candidate you believe will be most beneficial for the Country.

Whomever she happens to be.

The Pope is visiting the US when suddenly...

... the phone rings in his room; there is an emergency in the Vatican and he needs to return immediately.

So the Pope has arrangements made for the first available flight back to Rome and a taxi cab.

The cab -unfortunately- takes ages to arrive and time is starting to run short.
...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':

'I...

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There once were three girls who were ugly. So they decided to do something about it.

They went to a plastic surgeon first to see what their options were.
"It's hopeless, " he said," You guys are too ugly."
"We're girls, " they said.
"But...there is a way. There's a magic lake that can change your appearance to whomever or whatever you want to look like. All you have to do...

A third grade teacher addresses her class

..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"

She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remem...

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What makes you think you're so good in bed?

A woman is in a relationship with an abusive man, but for years she justifies staying with him because he is great in bed. Until one day the man hits her and kicks her to the point where he crosses her line. She finally dumps him and tries to move on.

Being out of the dating game for a wh...

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Jack and Sue

The manager of a company has to make a hard choice, whether or fire Jack or Sue. They are both superb workers, but the company has been running into hard times.

The manager decides that whomever drinks from the cooler first will be laid off the following morning.

Sue, who always comes...

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