The 59+ Best Den Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"

I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Some kids broke into Twycross zoo and threw a penguin into the lion's den

It was total carnage. They couldn't even get the wrapper off!

If obi wan kenobi ever made a drug den he would call it..

The High Ground

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

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Marco and Luigi are sitting on a park bench

Marco says, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women with de big saggy titties?
Luigi replies, "No, I donna likea de big saggy titties."
Marco thinks and asks, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women wid de big fat belly?
Luigi says, "No Marco, I no likea de big fat belly."
Marco thinks for a second and asks...

Who is this Rorschach guy???

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

-Rob DenBleyker

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I went to a drug den dressed as HIV.

Nobody fucked with me.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

A nun is standing outside a pub...

...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, ...

I live in a house between a crack den and a brothel.

I guess you could say i'm between a rock and a hard place.

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

The deaf wife problem.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give t...

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A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend...

Practicing

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he ...

A teenage boy shows up to take his new girlfriend on a date

He arrives to her house and is greeted by her at the door. Her father is sitting in the chair in the den, and when he comes in to introduce himself, the father calmly gets up, reaches into his pocket, and tosses him something underhanded, and says ‘catch’.

The boy looks at it and realizes it’...

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

These two lifelong friends are talking...

And one of them says, "Hey, my friend, we're getting up in years now, life ain't forever; you ever, y'know, think about the hereafter?"

The other replies, "Sure thing, I think about it every day."

"Every day?"

"Yep. Not a day goes by I don't go into the garage or the kitchen ...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his house.

In the den, there was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked the host, "When did you bag him?"

The host proudly replied, "Three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex wife."

The visitor then asked, "What is he stuffed with?"

To which the host replies, "My ex wife."

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.

Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the...

Four Nordic men with terrible memories took a trip.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories, Finn, Mark, Lan, and Svee, took a trip.

Together, they travelled far and wide - they sipped wine under the Eiffel tower, climbed Kilimanjaro, met elephants in Thailand, saw the Hollywood sign in California, road tripped across the US, and ended up in Ne...

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My wife always cheats when we play board games

Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.

Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

Because he was Snow'den.

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Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "...

Two girlfriends are talking

"Listen to this" says the first, "I needed some cash so I was rummaging through my husband's pockets, and I found a handful of condoms."

"Wow" says the second, "so what did you do?"

"I took a needle and made a bunch of holes in all of them."

"Well I'm screwed then" says the s...

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady.

Me: You are bi-den?

Why did CIA raid the igloos?

Because they dont like snow dens

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an e...

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

Where do swedish bears sleep?

In their sweDEN.

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A sly fox jumps over a impulsive lioness

Once there lived a sly fox in a vast jungle. He knew every nook and corner of the jungle. One day he went to the lion's den and started calling out the lion for a fight.

The fox said,"Come out, you coward lion. I'm gonna carve out your inside with my bare hands". But the lion didn't move an i...

Happy anniversary

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-hal...

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Q: How do you define duodenum?

A: It’s where shit starts to get real.

When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.

We call it our Con Den session.

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[nsfw] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.

Boy: “can I try that grandpa”

Grandpa: “does your dick touch your asshole”

Boy: “no”

Grandpa: “well you can’t try it”

A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking ...

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud" <...

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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

I was talking to my physics teacher...

Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?
Me: yeah
Teacher: cool, you know what den city is?
Me: no?
Teacher: oh, its mass over volume

Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land

It was a very heavy bird den

What kind of pants does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

Why don't birds live in caves?

It would be to much of a bird den.

A guy comes home from work,

He flops down in his favorite chair and yells, "Honey! Bring me a beer before it starts!" His wife br8ngs him a beer and he chugs it down. A few minutes later, "Honey, bring me another beer before it starts!" She reluctantly brings him a second beer and he chugs it down. Soon, he yells once more, "H...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

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